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VEGANGELICA · 10-28-2009, 09:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by APCTOOL91

Hey everyone this is a song I've been working on under my project name, "Dreamin' of Foxglove." Its called "What I Have Become" and its about some depression and other issues I had a couple years ago. Please comment I really enjoy constructive criticism and just comments thanks.

Hello APCTOOL91,
Thanks for sharing a song that describes the feelings you had while dealing with depression several years ago. I have some comments about, and suggestions for, your song and will put them in bold below:

Quote:

We are free like the energy that surrounds us now
Breathing life in as we slowly, slowly start to progress
Revive me to let me breathe again
Rejuvenate me so I can start without my sins

I’m feeling down
But I know what I will be tomorrow
Another slave to the countless dependency I’m on

(I might get rid of the "But," since I think the singer's awareness of feeling doomed to become a slave again is part of the reason for feeling down. Is someone "on" dependencies, or does someone *have* dependencies? I don't know the flow of your tune, but just looking at the words my thought is that you could simplify this line by saying: "Another slave to countless dependencies," or "Another slave to my countless dependencies," or "A slave again to my countless dependencies." Saying "another slave" makes it sound like the singer is one of several slaves.)

Cuz I’m just too deep to get back up again

(chorus)
So here I am!
Heal me now!
Come down and save me now

(Saying "now" at the end of sequential lines feels too repetitive to me. I feel this line works well without the "now":
So here I am!
Heal me now!
Come down and save me

If you are real, then save my soul from what I have become!

(Again, since you just said "save me" in the previous line, I would probably want to use a new word in this one, such as "If you are real, then free my soul from what I have become.")

I am too out of it
To comprehend where to begin
So where I am, is where I’ll always be
In a Hell of what I have become!

(Perhaps you could say "in the hell I have become"...grammatically, "In a Hell of what I have become" sounds odd to me)

And so I must start again (x4)

Test after test
I’ll lose my faith
Down on my knees slave to my own enemy
I know I will lose this battle again

And so I must start again
New body, new skin
Cut away what I am
Loose all of this fake, mirrored images

(I think you mean "lose all these fake, mirrored images." I notice in the last two stanzas that you use "lose" three times and "again" two times, before which "again" was used x4. My recommendation is to skim down the repetition of individual words by finding synonyms or other ways to express the ideas. For example, "once more" could be used instead of "again."

(chorus)
So here I am!
Heal me now!
Come down and save me [now]
If you are real, then save [free?] my soul from what I have become!

So go ahead “God” save from me myself
Strike me down
Cuz I cannot be saved
Because I don’t wanna be a burden anymore.

(I'm thinking about this last line: does it mean that the singer wants to be struck down because s/he feels s/he is a burden and has no hope for salvation, *or* does the singer feel that because s/he doesn't want to be a burden anymore that s/he can't be saved? Perhaps you could just omit the last "Because" since the line still works without it, and it seems odd to use "Cuz" in one line and "Because" in the next, since if one is using a shortened version of "because" it seems one should be consistent:

"So go ahead, God, save from me myself.
Strike me down,
Cuz I cannot be saved.
I don't wanna be a burden anymore."

Say, what is the reason for "God" being in quotes? Is it fear of saying the word "God," or does it mean the singer is being ironic, saying "God" because the singer doesn't feel there is a god? Also, did you mean to say, "So go ahead "God" save from me myself," or "save me from myself?" Saying "save from me myself" is interesting, because it seems to show the singer wants the "true" self to be saved or recovered from the rest of the self that is unwanted (the feeling of "sins" and dependency). I wasn't sure if this was the intended meaning or a typo.

"Cuz I cannot be saved": since you just said "save from me myself," perhaps you could say (to avoid using the word "save" so often), "Cuz I'm beyond salvation":

So go ahead, God, save from me myself.
Strike me down,
Cuz I'm beyond salvation.
I don't wanna be a burden anymore.

I hope my suggestions are helpful to you!

--Erica