Quote:
Originally Posted by APCTOOL91
Okay so I did some tweaking to my song thanks to the advice you gave me, hopefully it flows a little better.
We are free like the energy that surrounds us now
Breathing life in as we slowly, slowly start to progress
Revive me to let me breathe again
Rejuvenate me so I can start without my sins
I’m feeling down
But I know what I will be tomorrow
A slave again to my countless dependencies
Cuz I’m just too deep to get back up again
(chorus)
So here I am!
Heal me now!
Come down and save me
If you are real, then liberate my soul from what I have become!
I am too out of it
To comprehend where to begin
So where I am, is where I’ll always be
In this Hell I have become
And so I must start again (x4)
Test after test
I’ll lose my faith
Down on my knees slave to my own enemy
I know I will lose this battle once more
And so I must start again
New body, new skin
Cut away what I am
Lose all of these fake, mirrored images
(chorus)
So here I am!
Heal me now!
Come down and save me
If you are real, then liberate my soul from what I have become!
So go ahead God save me from myself
Strike me down,
Because I cannot be set free
I don’t wanna be a burden anymore
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APCTOOL91,
I *do* feel your rewrite flows better and has fewer unnecessary words or little complexities that distracted me slightly when reading your original version. I feel your meaning is clearer now...more piercing, more of a direct plea...and when I read your rewrite more of the sadness and the yearning come through. I especially like the last line now that it does not have the "because" to start it off. Everytime I read "I don't wanna be a burden anymore" I feel sad because that single line expresses the self-regret and recriminations and hopelessness of the singer (who still has enough hope to ask for help). How do you feel about your new version?