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Originally Posted by VeggieLover
When i logged in and saw that you had commented on my writing I was very glad... you always give the best critiques and i really feel that you help me to improve my writing.
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Thank you for the compliment, VL.
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I did intend a theatrical effect, especially in my expostulation to my fellow band members. We were, after all, performers. Same with "nay," i feel it not only adds my personal voice (which tends to get a bit dramatic at times) but also emphasizes the point of my epiphany, if thats what you wish to call it. However, the essay is serious and personal, does this kind of voice create and unpleasant contradiction of tone?
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I feel that since your personal voice is dramatic, then it is best to stick with what feels comfortable to you. I do feel that theatricality adds humor and perhaps puts up a small, unintended barrier between the reader and the meaning of your essay...so to me at least it does make the essay seem a little less serious and personal than it sounds like you intended.
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The metaphors, and my over-use of them, is much needed advice. The skinned knee metaphor was actually an allusion to one of my memories of me and my dad, he taught me to ride a bike. But there is no way for a reader to know that.... i think maybe I could find another way to say what i mean while still avoiding the obvious way of saying it.
The stage of my heart was meant to add to the dramatic aspect of my voice, and the fact that i've always kind of felt like I was wearing a mask and putting on an act for my family, in some sense in order to protect them. Now, im starting to take off that mask. Is the cliche quality of this section overpowering to the meaning behind it?
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Your experience with your dad reminds me that metaphors often emerge out of a common human experience (skinned knees in childhood), and though it may seem cliche, it is also sweet because it is something we all share (well, those billions of us who have skinned knees as children). Since your essay seems to be trying to describe how you feel using analogies that are unexpected, my vote would be to use a metaphor that seems fresher because it is either less often used or is one you make up. I like the idea of you removing the mask, especially the idea that you had it in place in order to protect your family, since this builds on the theatrical quality you want. Your comment about protecting the family makes me then wonder if the mask was there to protect them from the hurt of seeing your hurt? I usually think of masks as being in place to protect ourselves from others knowing who we really are, because we fear they will not like what they see when we don't wear a mask. The idea of wearing a mask to genuinely protect someone else was interesting to me, because it is not the meaning I usually associate with mask-wearing. Wearing a mask to hide one's true self in order to protect others sounds self-sacrificing (literally?) and heroic!
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Now for the problematic "gathering the loins of my heart" sentence :O
What I meant was more "girding my loins" as in preparing for a journey. by setting this language (which i first read in A Pilgrims Progress btw) in my heart, i am preparing not for a physical journey but an emotional one. By changing that one word ( gathering to girding) do I fix the problems of the sentence?
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Let's see..."gird one's loins" is an expression meaning "prepare for action" as knights did when surrounding their loins (genitals and lower abdominal region) with all sorts of protective and fighting equipment...so I think using "girding" would be the theatrical way to describe preparing for journey and action. "Loins" is the word that I feel is perhaps not appropriate, because when I read it (since it means genitals) I always start to giggle a bit! :-)
You could say "gird my heart" (leaving out the word "loins") which could perhaps then mean simultaneously surrounding and protecting your heart while also preparing for action!
Now that I know you want a theatrical effect in your essay, I would say that the theatrical phrases you use in general mesh well with the fictional/metaphorical introduction and conclusion.
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Thank you so much for your help. I am going to edit my original post of the essay, so please feel free to re-read it and let me know if i improved it.
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You are very welcome, Veggie.