he says some smart ass **** at times like:
Acid Jazz: Another one of those confusedly named genres as it is neither Acid nor Jazz. Well, sort of. Sandwiched between Deep House and Trip Hop, this is the Downtempo genre with soul. And groove. And rhythm. And funk. And Jazz.
This kind of music is best meant for late-night coffee houses and alternative culture eateries where the waitresses are all short-haired lesbians, the coffee comes in tall glasses, and there's a small smokey stage where a crowd of intellectuals wearing dark-brimmed glasses are listening to some guy in a turtle neck reciting crappy poetry like a bunch of pretentious post-ginsbergian beatnicks. Ooh yeah! Gotsta love that post-modern poetry.
lol
and
2-step: God, this stuff is so ****ing boring. Retaining the idiotic basslines of Speed Garage, the hiccupping stacato beats of that derivative Nu Soul schlock that dares call itself RnB, and even worse: the endless crooning by 'guest' popstars (hence all the 'featuring' accolades in playlists), divas, and whiny narcissists who like to think of themselves as just too damn cool to be listened to by you. They're all style-biting Mariah Carey, so it's pretty much her fault. The only good thing about 2-step is, unlike Speed Garage, it won't be used by invading alien armadas to their high councils as grounds for turning the Earth into a giant ashtray.
Speed Garage: How did this music get past the censors? Who greenlighted this project at the Official Electronic Music Genre Standards and Classifications Consortium? I'm still at a loss as to what it's trying to do. Is it funky? No. Those dulled basslines sound like someone farting into a pillow. Or like the school teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoons scolding some child for his inability to spit, sing and gargle at the same time. Is it soulful? No. Time-stretched vocals never had any appeal, ever. There's no real hook, no real melody. It doesn't even pay any decent homage to Classic Garage. So what the hell is this stuff doing?! Sucking, by the sounds of it. But as bad as it sounds, it has actually managed to find a way to get WORSE over the years, dumping the time-stretched vocals in favour of......you guessed it: those annoying, crooning Mariah Carey wannabe diva hooks. Oh, ****ing hell.
Gabber: Holy **** is this ever cheesy. What is this even doing in Hardcore? It sounds like a house genre that kinda wandered off and now has gotten itself lost, with Rave hoovers and mental ****up cheesiness. This is the cheesiest cheese that you will ever cheese on. Even the cheese of the cheese who make this cheese are cheesy. The cheesiest of cheesy cheeses abound. It's cheesy even for euro cheese. Most wouldn't even cheese this cheese. Absolute cheese cheese.
J-pop: s anyone even surprised that this kind of stuff would come from Japan? That whole country is like Bizarro world. They do everything we do, just in a really strange way. It reminds me of that scene in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" where they go near Toontown, and you can see clouds of smoke and yelling and fighting and all sorts of haywire **** happening above the horizon to signify the complete and total lunacy of the place. Japan is just like that. The whole world continuously scratches its head at the far east, then sits back and watches to see what wacky thing the Japanese will do next. I mean, I'm sure the culture is swell once you get past all the incest and pedophilia and giant robots and all, but after that--huh? Japan is super crazy place, 100 PERCENT! Note: there's actually two forms of Jpop. The faster kind which gives the hardiest Dance Dance Revolution masters a run for their money, which is indistinguishable from Eurobeat, and the more bubblegum kind, called Shibuya-kei. You can tell which is which.
near offensive
NRG: It's actually really decent in small doses. Being forced to endure an entire set of it will grate on you, however, and having to go through an ENTIRE NIGHT of it--as I was victim to, many many times--gets excruciatingly mundane. The problem is the music just doesn't let up--ever--and no, you stupid ravers, that is not a good thing. Parties build on tension and release; NRG's go-go-go ethic just flatlines the entire experience, with track after track after track of the same idiotic ****. There are a group of genres that pride themselves under the monicker Hard Dance (which includes Happy Hardcore, Trancecore, Freeform, and Stupid House) and are harbingers of a culture infatuated with its own attitude that, given the chance, will set your teeth on edge even more than the music will. Best to just ignore them. They're too high on crystal and nordic-tracking to NRG music to pay much attention anyway.
I'll stop there but it's pure jokes