mmmk. well...first of all there is this thing called "spellcheck" I think maybe you need to learn how to use it. Not a diss...just an observation. It makes poetry especially hard to read when all kinds of words are misspelled.
Second, i have no idea how old you are, but im gonna take a wild guess and say middle school. People in other contexts don't ask ppl out through their friends.
BUT that's really beside the point. Assuming I'm right, the goal right now is not to write the best song ever...but more to explore yourself and your world through poetry and lyrics (and if you play an instrument or sing..music). Which it sounds like you are doing. Keep it up.
On the poem itself... not bad. You've captured the "quaint" inner drama of the whole experience quite well. It's very literal, which isn't neccessarily bad. Some of your word choice is strange (im going to blame an ill-used spell check or just not knowing how to spell) so it needs to be edited. Try looking for and replacing "tired" words -- that is, words that are used so often that they get tired and lose effect. Strong words don't have to be big to be powerful...sometimes the power comes in combination of words that aren't usually associated with eachother.
Anyway, enough of my writing lecture.. Keep up the good work and keep posting (in a thread just for you). You're gonna go far if you keep practicing.
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"Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."
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