12-02-2009, 06:31 PM
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#5 (permalink)
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Facilitator
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Where people kill 30 million pigs per year
Posts: 2,014
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Hi miss_cupcake,
I'm glad you are having such fun singing and making music. It is fun, isn't it?  I have a few suggestions for your song. I hope it is okay with you that I make these suggestions right in your song in bold below. Most of my suggestions involve streamlining the lyrics by getting rid of words I feel are unnecessary based simply on reading the lyrics. If I heard the tune I might change my opinion, so yes, it would be nice to hear a recording. If you have a myspace page, then you can post the link to the page in your "contact" information of your profile.
Quote:
Originally Posted by miss_cupcake
Verse 1
When I was young
I thought that I had known much better
[here you could say, "I thought I knew better"]
Now I know it was just a part of my imagination
Don’t know right from what’s wrong anymore
[You could say, "Don't know right from wrong anymore"]
I’ve realised, I was wrong all along
Chorus
You’ve changed, you’ve gone
Everything I’ve ever known
Don’t know who you are
Like a shadow hanging in the dark
Where have you gone?
[Since you use "gone" four lines up, I find myself wishing for different wording for the line directly above, such as perhaps, "Where did you go?" That does destroy the rhyming of "gone" with "gone" which probably will sound better in the song than non-rhyming lines.]
Feels like a piece missing from my heart
Take this pain away
[I think I prefer "Why'd it have to go this way?" because when you write "take this pain away" I'm not sure whom you are addressing]
Verse 2
How could I
Not have seen it coming sooner?
[You could say, "Why didn't I see it coming sooner?"]
Our memories are merely dreams I’ll only remember
You closed the door, without saying goodbye
It was then I knew, our love was make-believe, not made to fly
[This line seems to have a lot of syllables in it. I suggest simply saying "I knew then our love was make-believe" without the "not made to fly," which feels to me as if it were added mostly to create a rhyme with "goodbye." Your Verse 1 does not have two rhyming last lines, so I feel it would be acceptable if the two final lines in verse 2 don't rhyme.]
Chorus
You’ve changed, you’ve gone
Everything I’ve ever known
Don’t know who you are
Like a shadow hanging in the dark
Where have you gone?
Feels like a piece missing from my heart
Take this pain away
Bridge
All I ever wanted was for you to see
How a match made in heaven we were made to be
[Instead of the line above I might say, "we were a match made in heaven. We were made to be."]
Picture perfect, was it worth it?
Chorus
You’ve changed, you’ve gone
Everything I’ve ever known
Don’t know who you are
Like a shadow hanging in the dark
Where have you gone?
Feels like a piece missing from my heart
Take this pain away
Chorus (soft)
You’ve changed, you’ve gone
Everything I’ve ever known
Don’t know who you are
Like a shadow hanging in the dark
Where have you gone?
Feels like a piece missing from my heart
Take this pain away
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__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Neapolitan:
If a chicken was smart enough to be able to speak English and run in a geometric pattern, then I think it should be smart enough to dial 911 (999) before getting the axe, and scream to the operator, "Something must be done! Something must be done!"
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