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Old 12-19-2009, 11:08 PM   #9 (permalink)
OceanAndSilence
i write and play stuff
 
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 239
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think of a song like this;

|`````````````|
| verse 1
|_____________|
|
chorus
|
|`````````````|
|
| verse 2
|
|_____________|
|
chorus
|
|`````````````|
|
|
| verse 3
|
|
|_____________|

in other words, the chorus is the main point while the verses expose the events of a story. start, problem, resolution. you can add a bridge, only have one chorus, start the song with a resolution and finish with the problem etc, just make sure that you take the story somewhere, so that you guide the audience when they listen to the song. right now all i get is "i saw you once and i was too nervous to talk to you, i saw you again a few weeks later, and i'm still too nervous to talk to you." nothing's changed. BUT you could use that; the point of your song could be "if i'm here two weeks later why do i still feel the same way i always did?", and so on. it's really up to you to explore your own emotions. that's what makes a good song... knowing yourself well enough so you can say and play the way you feel succinctly, if poetically.

the words themselves aren't bad. not fantastic, but i've seen WAY worse (including my songs) so i have to give kudos since it's your first song. experiment with metaphor and your imagination. songs do not have to be based in reality and that is what's so great about them. you have the artistic freedom of doing whatever the **** you want, so make it as interesting as possible.
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