Quote:
Originally Posted by primo
I've only written one verse and a chorus.. It's written as a mid-tempo R&B song. If you critique my lyrics, I will do so for your's - just leave a link and brutally honest constructive criticism!
Verse 1
I see her, then with him
bite my lip, as I think
Will I always be alone?
So I slip that mask on
Which tells the lie, i’d
Rather be on my own
Don’t know which part’a the equation I am,
But know that I will grow, stronger
When I know who I am
Wanna fell how you’d touch me,
when I touch you, intimiacy
just can’t see who i’m looking for
Chorus
I...
Wanna be able to love
But there’s no drive
Pulling you or pushing me, closer
If you... throw yourself
Then darling,
I won’t catch you before you fall
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Hi Primo,
The portion of the song you have written creates an interesting situation that I'd like to see resolved in the rest of the song. The singer appears to feel ambivalence about the person s/he is infatuated with. Will the singer remain ambivalent or not? The last three lines, "If you...throw yourself/Then darling, I won't catch you before you fall," make me wonder if the rest of the song will show the singer getting to know him/herself better enough to be able to love and feel the drive that might bring this couple together. Or, will the writer stand by aloof, even if the girl/woman were to fall for him? This, at least, is how I interpret the song.
I like the line, "bite my lip," because it suggests some inner turmoil reflected in a physical motion.
You introduce the idea of the relationship "equation" in the second verse, then leave that idea hanging. I'd like to see it resurface in the rest of the song somehow. When you mention the equation, I want to learn more about how the two individuals *do* relate. I don't feel the song is about unrequited love but more yearning and wrestling with feelings of restraint and desire. Saying that you won't catch someone who is falling is intriguingly harsh, and doesn't seem to mesh with the infatuation expressed in the first stanza, so I wonder what is going on between the two people.
Quote:
Don’t know which part’a the equation I am,
But know that I will grow, stronger
When I know who I am
Wanna fell (tell?) how you’d touch me,
when I touch you, intimiacy
just can’t see who i’m looking for
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When you write, "but know that I will grow stronger," is this addressed to the woman or is the writer addressing herself/himself?
Finally, the line "just can't see who I'm looking for" confuses me somewhat, because I felt the writer was interested in the woman described in the song. You have introduced lots of unanswered questions in the first section of your song! I'll be interested to see how you deal with them in the rest of the song.
--Erica