Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA

Yes, I've been in love before. Yes, I "got over" being "in love" with some of those people. However, there have been people I was "in love" with whom I also loved...and I did not "get over" those people. The feeling of love lingers.

I see a distinction between feeling "in love" vs. "loving" someone. Being "in love" focuses on how you yourself feel about another person: excited, admiring, etc. etc. Being "in love" is not a bad thing...it is the first rush of breaking psychological barriers that exist between you and someone you admire.

In contrast, when you love a romantic partner, I feel this means you shift the focus of your attention so that you are approximately equally interested in helping the person you love have a satisfying, meaningful life as you are in seeking happiness for yourself. I definitely believe love is a physiological/psychological reality. The feeling of "love" for a romantic partner, to me, is the same as the feeling of "family love"...like love for a parent.

People, especially those new to love, are often in love with the feeling of being in love, rather than primarily loving another person and loving themselves at the same time. My observation is that romantic partners start out "in love" and then, if they work at it, transition to just plain "love."

One of the positive experiences I've had regarding love is when, even after a break-up, years later you remain platonic friends with the person. You realize that underneath the more turbulent romantic aspects of the relationship, you actually were and are friends...and that lasts.

I feel Paloma gives a very good description of what it feels like to feel loved by a significant other:



jayfin3, you then wrote:



I feel you *can* have one-sided love...but unless it is requited in some form then it is obsession, like Paloma wrote. Sometimes one person loves another more intensely than that other loves her or him. Sometimes one person feels romantic love and the other platonic love. If you ever find yourself doing something that might hurt the one you feel you love, then you are probably acting out of obsession: stalking is an example.



littleknowitall, I'm sorry your former significant other treated you so horrendously. I feel your experience shows one reason people can be afraid of loving, because it means you can get hurt emotionally, since to love someone does involve forgiving and trying to work out a solution to problems or find a compromise. In your case, the effort was one-sided. I think the important point never to overlook is that you have to know for yourself what your boundaries are....at what point will you no longer tolerate ill effects on yourself when in a relationship. You wrote about concerns about future relationships. If it helps, I've found that different people are really extremely different. Each relationship feels unique. Your bad experience with your ex does not mean every future partner will be like that.

The test I used to give myself, when thinking about whether a relationship was working, was this one: "Am a lonelier in the relationship than I would be if I were alone, by myself, not in the relationship?" When I realized that I felt lonelier by being with a person than I would be if I were alone, then I knew it was time to rethink the relationship.

One relationship rule I developed was this one: never seek a relationship with someone because you feel lonely. Learn to have a satisfying life by yourself. Then you will be able to keep your balance (more or less) when you open your life/mind to someone else.