Music Banter - View Single Post - VeggieLovers Journey into Lyrics and Poetry
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Old 01-25-2010, 05:28 PM   #45 (permalink)
VeggieLover
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA View Post
Hey VeggieLover,
I agree with AwwSugar that your vivid description of a character shutting herself off from life seems very realistic, due to all the details. The story is also compelling. I want to know why this girl wants to die and is emotionally barely alive!

Two questions/suggestions:

I was surprised by her retinas being described as black, since retinas are actually reddish (when light shines on them). Do you mean her pupils are black? Or that there is so little light getting into her eyeballs that the retinas seem black?

Also, I feel you could leave out the final sentence, "Was there a possibility that these remnants of a girl were even still alive?" because it breaks me out of the voyeurism of this girl's life and restates blatantly what you have just shown in your description of her. It sounds like a narrator's commentary on what we, the readers, have just observed and concluded ourselves by reading everything that came before. I would rather be led by you, the writer, to this conclusion without you having to state it so openly.



What a privilege to read a first love song! It describes well a long-distance relationship, the yearning for togetherness, and I think a relationship between people of different ages (all the calender references make me think this).

When I read "alpha wolves," the first image that popped into my mind was the "Twilight" vampire series books with Jacob as the alpha wolf. If I were you, I'd nix that description because it sounds so "Twilight"-ish. I'd modify "until your paw in mine I hold" for the same reason, and, if it is used, say "until I hold your paw in mine" to avoid convoluting the grammar. However, my quibbles might disappear when I actually hear the lyrics with the music, since the music may make the word order seem less obvious!
I always appreciate your critisism Vegangelica, but I must say first and foremost that I absoluetly refuse, as an artist and an admirer of the beautiful animals we have almost exterminated from the planet, to eliminate a referance to wolves because of the juvinille and frankly ridiculous series Twilight. Sooner or later our nation's obsession with it will cease, and when it does, my song will be no less or better for it. Even if the image of a werewolf comes to mind, I would suggest to anyone who sees "Jacob" as the first image when hearing that line to please expand into some legitimate werewolf and vampire literature and to please stop corrupting this particular ancient legend with a mockery of a triology.

now that my little rant is over, I can move on. I'm very glad that you enjoyed the song, and yes, it is about a long distance relationship between two people seperated both by physical distance and by a substantial (at least for the time being) age difference. And you know me and word order



And thx for the retina clarification... I will edit that word to be more appropriate. And the last sentance was left over from an earlier version that ended in a much more cliche way... so that gets edited too! thx.

Here's the video for "Inbetween Time". You can't see me at all cuz it's so dark, but that's ok. Also, i had just gotten over being way sick, so that's why my voice cracks. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkS5p...safe_search=on
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Last edited by VeggieLover; 01-25-2010 at 05:36 PM.
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