While there are probably far better teachers than me, I figured it would be nice to have a comprehensive guide for new folks around here to benefit from. After all, who needs creativity when you've got a bland, formulaic lyrical template to adhere to anyway?
- Don't stray from the list of approved topics. While you might have some lovely ditty you've been working on about tea with your grandmother, it's important to maintain consistency in all your songwriting. Try these topics instead: pain, sadness, death, sadness, depression, love, sadness, insanity, sadness, and sadness. Stick to your guns!
- Avoid the use of specific words or phrases. It's better still to leave the meaning ambiguous, churning out dull phrases for appropriate, non-directional entities. If you're having a blank you could always substitute "I've lost control" or "I feel nothing" for anything you would have ordinarily written. They're really versatile.
- Don't worry about your lack of experience. Who cares if you're a thirty-something virgin living in your parents' basement, you can always write about the profound sexual relationships turned wrong that you thought you ought to have had. Although it's best to keep your monologues as vague as possible, there's no sense in scaring listeners with your unimaginative pillow talk.
- Go for the obligatory political shout. Hey, you might not actually give a shit, but you can at least pretend to care. There's nothing audiences love more than a self-righteous declaration of radical liberalism. Better yet, provoke the audience by attacking an otherwise normal practice for most, like eating meat. They'll appreciate you all the more for your courage to call them assholes.
- Recycle! Not going to use a cool phrase from your most recently abandoned song? Save it for later! Nobody will ever notice; they're all far too busy enjoying your latest whimsical pop hook. Better yet, chant it repeatedly, someone might mistake it for something meaningful.
Hopefully these tips will set you well on your way onto becoming the next Matt Bellamy or Moz. Good luck!