Woman Under the Influence (John Cassavetes)
zero stars
Good f*cking god. Cassavetes, you did it again. You know, I now fully understand why this guy is considered one of the cinemastic masters, he is the master when it comes to making me NOT GIVE A SH*T.
At least this one has some actual actors and a message that's a little less retarded than "observe these hipster c*nts being c*nts so you won't be as much of a c*nts" but in a lot of ways this is even more of a self indulgent mess. Two and a half hours is ridiculous for a movie where essentially nothing ever happens. Nothing of substance that is, it's people talking and screaming, the dialogue isn't as bad as Shadows but that's not saying much.
First off, the acting, Gena Rolands is undeniably a talented actress, and you gotta love Peter Falk (Columbo ftw) but here they are downright excruciating. To call what Rolands does here overacting is a severe understatement, she tries to be crazy, instead comes off as retarded. I guess she was supposed to be the "lovable outcast in a cruel world" and that's an odd direction for this anti-hollywood director but yeah she makes I Am Sam seem subtle by comparison. She doesn't resemble a human being at all or anyone with a real mental disorder other than just plain retardation. Not to mention she is INCREDIBLY irritating. The way she acts when she's angry is just laughable, sometimes I just keep waiting for her to start vomiting, spin her head around and say "your mother sucks c*cks in hell". You guys hate on Hollywood for it's lack of subtlety but praise this as one of the greatest female performances ever? Ok.
And Falk, what the f*ckng hell man? Did Cassavetes specifically tell him to do absolutely nothing but scream at the top of his lungs at random throughout the entire f*cking movie? Could you not tell subtlety to f*ck off any more clearly? He yells like a maniac even when he's not f*cking angry. What the hell is his problem? And how am I supposed to believe that for one second that a guy who is so easily irritable would marry a woman that's so f*cking loud and over the top?
I blame this on bad writing and directing more than bad acting but I can only say that for the two leads because the rest of the acting is just terrible, most notably the mother of Falk's character. I mean holy f*cking god, if you took the DNA of Judge Judy, Dorris Roberts and George's mom from Seinfield you still wouldn't get something quite as obnoxious. If I was Nick I would have f*ckng sent
her away first.
Falk's character makes no sense, he treats his wife like sh*t and sends her to the nuthouse for a few months and THEN he tells her to be herself and that she was never crazy? Man, F*CK YOU. How are we supposed to sympathize with a character like this? Then again, I don't truly feel sorry for this Mabel character because she's like a ridiculous caricature, you're too weirded out by her to ever feel any connection towards her whatsoever. Again, why is this just NOW starting to bug Falk's character, was she always like this? If not then WHY is she acting like this? I'm sorry but sometimes exposition is f*cking necessary because this entire film has been one confusing, unbearable scene after another.
There is not a single thing about this movie that I don't hate, the cinematrophy is sh*t, the music selections are f*cking laughable and how Cassavettes pairs up mundane images of Gena and Peter doing NOTHING to overbearing opera music is just mind boggling, pretentious arty bullf*ck if I've ever seen it.
Even the little things like how they decorate their f*ckng house, even THAT infuriates me, there is absolutely nothing interesting about these characters and nothing that makes their constant screaming matches poignant in any way whatsoever. And no, throwing in a few scenes where Falk quietly says "I love you" doesn't work. Seriously, this is way more manipulative than anything hollywood does and in a way that would insult anyone's intelligence.
The pacing is HORRIFIC, it was a huge challenge just to finish this and after watching it I felt like I haven't achieved anything other than a complete waste of my time. There are scenes that are long and drawn out that serve no purpose, teaches nothing about the characters, yeah, they build up to things, but it's always the same f*ckng thing. You see a bunch of people having diner and talking about stupid sh*t for 5 MINUTES and then Mabel acts crazy and Nick screams, and that sums up the movie in a nutshell, boring sh*t happening, Mabel acting like a coked up 5 year old and Nick screaming like he just got f*cked in the ass by a bear. It got to a point where I had to turn the volume down because all the characters just keep screaming at random.
There are so many painful scenes in this movie I could make a top ten list of the worst scenes in this movie and write a long f*cking rant about each entry in the list.
Well, I do have a list but I'll keep it short.
1. Nick has Mabel committed, and they both start going apesh*t on the shrink, and then Nick's mother starts ranting and it's basically the sound of 3 dying cats all at once. There's less emotional depth here than a f*cking Olive Garden commercial.
2. The scene where Nick gets into a fight with that guy. Whoever played that guy was really damn bad. This is another example of Cassavetes mistaking a bunch of people acting like monkeys for hard hitting emotion.
3. The whistling on the bed scene. Was this supposed to be endearing it? It isn't, it's irritating.
4. The aforementioned spaghetti scene with Nick's coworkers.
5. Nick gives his kids beer, yeah, I guess John figured he needed at least one scene where Nick wasn't being a total c*nt so he thought a great way to show his sympathetic side is.... for him to give his kids beer.
6. The opera music scene
7. The ending meltdown scene. So this woman breaks down and starts humming swan lake for some reason, the guy beats the sh*t out of her and terrifies their kids. This should be a big dramatic moment but it's downright comical, I'm not feeling anyone's pain other than my own because it's just torture at this point. Most annoying child actors I've ever f*cking seen in my life. Like did we really need to see Falk drag the kids upstairs only for them to run back down TWICE? To see the kids get the sh*t beat out of them would have been an uplifting moment at this point, they have no personalities at all they just scream and scream and scream. BECAUSE THIS MOVIE DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH F*CKING SCREAMING DOES IT?
8. Nick celebrates Mabel's coming home party, screams at everybody
9. Nick goes to work, screams at everybody.
10. Nick takes kids to beach, screams at everybody.
I am even more convinced now that Cassavetes is the worst director of all time. He isn't "raw", he just isn't talented at all, he uses sh*t photography because he thinks that's "real" but his characters are anything but real, they are not subtle and yet they are boring, and to be both boring and unsubtle isn't f*cking easy but this hack found a way.
Now, you all know that of all people, I don't give a sh*t about something being unsubtle, unrealistic and exagerated. But this is a director who based his whole style on realism and objectivity and filming sh*t without adding anything to it, he has no vision, no ideas, no anything. He exagerates things but never things that should be exagerated, he doesn't exagerate for entertainment or to express something or to hit home a certain message or bring about a certain emotion. He exagerates things purely to make his films as offputting as f*cking possible.
This is without a doubt the worst movie to ever be added to the criterion collection. Yes I realize that includes Armageddon.
Now I need to get this awful taste out of my mouth.