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VEGANGELICA · 04-15-2010, 02:28 AM

You are branching out into love songs, APCTOOL!

The song below seems to show admiration for a person's way of being within the context of a warlike situation. I've included comments in bold. The additional poems/songs that follow it show the feeling of being "in love" with someone, an experience that (as often happens!) leads the speaker of the poems (who may or may not be you) to describe the powerful effect the person has on him and his life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by APCTOOL91

I'm still rewriting the songs but I've been working on a song for about a week and just have this so far but I would like to hear any feedback!

Born in the graves
Of many lost men
Victim of the shockwaves
That threw to the city
("Threw to the city"--what does that mean?)

Walked through her journey
Alone and brave
Although dark (perhaps "darkness" to smooth out the meter?) blinded her
She never strayed

Saw many of sins (I'd omit "of" or turn this line into "saw sin")
War and the unpure (would "impure" be better?)
But she was the light
That kept it all going
(what does the "it" refer to...I assume not the war and unpure. These lines confuse me...how she could be the light, someone who does good, but also perhaps contribute something bad.)

A push then a shove
A spoken silence
Shelter the graves
Of the innocent
("A spoken silence" confuses me. I like the oxymoron but don't know what it refers to and how it relates to the innocent dead, and how it shelters them. This poem seems to have religious overtones, but I'm not sure of the whole meaning. Is the woman a symbol of something? Or an actual person? I'd prefer to understand more of the setting in which the story takes place.)

And on to your newest:

Quote:

Originally Posted by APCTOOL91

Here's some random-ish short liners I would love to turn into songs but just haven't felt how to transition them.

"I'm beginning to find another point of view, one that's even better with you."
(A break-up song?)

"When this place burns, it rains ashes, and the sun dissapears."
(Reminds me of the Holocaust...I'll be curious to see what you make of this line.)

"I'm Mr. Copacetic, but I'm a lack luster ****in' ***got, and no one can respect that."
(Well, this line is quite different! I had to look up what copacetic means: "Fine, excellent, going just right." I squirm a little with concern at the terminology hidden by the ****...and wonder what you'll perhaps turn this line into. I was just watching a video of the duo Erasure and thinking how nice it is to have bold, in-your-face people who don't fear showing their sexual preference however they wish to do so. Your line above is definitely bold!)
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Here's some poems I've written

"Be Still My Heart"

My heart is pounding
Racing at 1,000 miles per minute
My body quivers at your touch (I recommend "trembles" instead of quivers, which reminds me of jello!)
And my breath shortens with each inhale
(with each "inhalation" perhaps?)

I become encaptured (should it be encaptured "by" or "in")
with your soft almond eyes
Your lips are satin with a bite of taste
You are the apple in Eden
Forbidden, but be still my heart
("Be still my heart sounds very cliche to me and rather flowery for a modern love poem that describes the age-old experience of infatuation and desire.)

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"A Slip Of Sand Through The Hourglass"

I feel her prescence in my every step
Like waves in the ocean
That beat against the tired beach
Every motion, every current, it can feel
("it can feel" sounds generic to me; you could instead say,
"That beat against the tired beach
feeling every motion, every current.")

A lighthouse's beam scatters across the ocean
Coast to coast it fills my empty space
I sweat and I ache
As her love radiates through the undertow
(I like the imagery! One of my favorite sights in nature is when you are underwater and the light plays down through the rippling surface ripples, radiating into the depths.)

Clouds burst into eons of melacholy rain
It fills the river as it's sediments
Flows into it's tributaries
As my soul is released from this Hell
(This stanza departs from the ocean metaphors and gets more melodramatic...so I wouldn't mind if it were omitted.

I'd prefer the poem to focus on the ocean, light, and beach metaphors without introducting yet another metaphor.

An example of using one metaphor to make a poem/song stronger is my favorite love poem, "The Silken Tent," by Robert Frost The Silken Tent by Robert Frost. I recommend you read this poem if you haven't read it yet, APCTOOL91, because I think all poets can gain a lot by analyzing how Frost constructed it. I feel "The Silken Tent" is a work of great beauty because of its deceptive simplicity, single-minded focus, and intense craftsmanship!)

I'm like a grain of sand
Slipping through the hourglass
But in the end
Aren't we all?

Yes, we are. This final stanza in your poem seems to be about a different topic than the rest of the poem, which is a love poem that at first seems to focus on the feeling of hope inspired by the person described. "Slipping through the hourglass" introduces a cliche metaphor that is very different from the ocean metaphors your song started with, so I advise trying to express the passage of time using an ocean metaphor...perhaps relating life to the ocean tide washing up over the beach and then ebbing away. This would necessitate a title change, of course!

I am now noticing that your poem has the speaker being both the beach and the ocean, which makes the poem a little muddled, I feel. Of course, when one is in love, part of the joy of that is feeling the boundaries between two people's lives have disappeared to some extent. I don't think that is the reason, though, that your poem shows the speaker to first be the beach, and then the empty space of the ocean through which the beloved's light radiates.

I like many of the images in this poem above...and the overall feeling of it. I just wish the poem were a little "tighter" and cleaner in its handling of the metaphors.

~ Erica