Hello TheCunningStunt,
I've read your thread and have some feedback to give, but first I want to say that only recently did I realize the "St" in your name isn't a "C." Or is there a member who has a "C" instead of an "St" and I'm just confusing you two?
I like the simplicity of your first song, which describes people who abuse their power. If you do write a chorus, like right-track suggests, I imagine that its main topic would be people who abuse their power (hurting others) and then get their comeuppance. I've posted additional comments in bold below:
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheCunningStunt
Hey there Mr Lawyer
Where did all your money go?
Did you gamble it away like a Gambling man
Well, I guess you reap what you sew
(I'm not sure what the lawyer reaps like he sows...do you mean that just like he charges clients outrageous money sums, causing them to descend into poverty, the lawyer himself has now lost his money? If this isn't the meaning of the final line, then I am wondering what is and whether the line was used more because it rhymes with "go" than because of its meaning.)
Hey there Mr Dealer
Are you spendin' the night in jail?
You'll get out and comit another crime
And go back til you're old n frail
(This stanza has fewer syllables than the ones that follow; do you want to make sure your stanzas have patterns of syllables and line lengths that match?)
Hey there Mr Politician
Sitting there pretending to care
The country's in a state
But that don't matter to you
As long as you get a share
Hey there Mr. Teacher
Making their lives like hell
Does it make you feel like a man?
When you stand there and you yell
As they
Wait for the bell
(I recommend you omit the "you" to make the lines flow more smoothly)
Hey there Mr Vicar
You're doing the best that you can
Your moral worth is the cream of the crop
But you only preach because you can
(What do you mean by the vicar's moral worth being the cream of the crop? I assume you are using sarcasm. And what do you mean by you only preach because you can...do you mean only because the vicar is in a position of power he is able to preach at people? Rhyming "can" with "can" is repetitive. Sometimes I feel the rhyming of your lines is taking precedence over the meaning of them...but maybe that's just because I'm not exactly sure of the meaning behind every line.)
Music isn't finalised, working on a solo for it. Your thoughts would be appreciated. 
The song is just me basically listing the things that I hate/don't really like. Simplistic but meh, simple easy to understand songs are nice.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by right-track
At last, something real with what I'd call proper lyrics.
Straight forward, down to earth and actually pretty good.
I could easily imagine this being a song.
Much better than that poncy, pretentious, emoesque and angst ridden nonsense, written by that Whimper (or is it Kimber?), kid.
I mean, really...what's all that shit about?
On the down side, this song needs a chorus and a bridge.
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Right-track, I wish when you have something so harshly negative to say about someone else's work, you would say it to him (I'll assume him) directly rather than talking behind his back, since I feel it would especially hurt his feelings to read such a slam in someone else's thread. In other words, I wish you'd go for the direct stab instead of one that is behind the back!
Being direct with your criticism would give kimber a chance to deal with it directly and reassess his work. I feel the indirect way you responded to kimber makes it harder for people to feel comfortable sharing their work in the songwriting section. I want them to feel comfortable sharing their work. (I'll PM you this comment, too, so that I'm not hypocritical!
)
Like TheCunningStunt says below, I can understand angst love songs...and they are probably popular with many people because so many people go through tortured feelings during some experiences of love.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheCunningStunt
I can understand the angst love song songs though, when I was 16, pretty average lad life, football, school etc.
Met a girl it all changed, a while down the line it ended. You wanna get it out your system so you write pretentious s hite and you think it's good because it reflects how you're feeling.. then you grow up a bit and realise no ones wants to hear about it. Maybe the odd song as an ode to your first love, or what you think is your first love. But some of these emo kids, it's every song where love has a simarly, a metaphor they wondered what they were fighting for, she crushed me, like a rose, just like jesus our love rose. etc.
Pathetic attempts = you may as well just not even bother. If I do something crap that I initially think is good, I feel embarrassed as I scrap it.  |
I agree with you that over-used metaphors can be painful to read because they sound so unoriginal. Trite cliches in love songs also make me feel the writer is more infatuated with his feelings than filled with caring for the actual person who inspired the song.
I think what is embarrassing about our early love poems is that they make us realize our experiences of love aren't unique and novel...and we were overwhelmed with emotion that went beyond the reality of the relationship. Using unique descriptions of love when we write about it in songs at least lets us imagine (or delude ourselves into believing) that we are going through something fresh and special rather than ordinary.
Must a song be novel to not be pathetic? For example, do you feel it would be better to avoid the cliche phrases "reap what you sow" and "cream of the crop," which you used in your song above, because these phrases are so overused? Or do you feel sometimes cliche phrasing works specifically because it
is a shorthand way of expressing an emotion or concept very quickly to the listener?