Let me say first that while I don't think my opinion is absolute law, I am a potential "listener" and so here's my 2 cents.
1. Rhyming. Its a crutch that only keeps your leg broken. Rhyme when it happens, don't rhyme because you must.
2. Theres not much separating you from anyone else here. This is your standard break-up song. Give me a little more plot, give me who the hell she is. I don't need a novel, but I don't want the same bumper-sticker platitudes I hear in every other nu-metal/alternative song.
3. This isn't too important but its Verse, not Verce.
4. You've got a decent base, but write what happened.
If this didn't actually happen to you, you're doing it wrong. Don't write what you think people want to hear, because it comes out like descriptive mad libs. Even if you think what you went through is boring. Break-ups, gardening, white water rafting.
If you're writing someone else's song, its always going to suck.
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