I have social anxiety disorder. I have medication, but I am afraid of becoming dependent on it, and so is my doctor, so I use it "as needed". It's like a high dose of mental relaxers when I know I'm entering, or realized I entered, a high anxiety situation. I only go through approx 60 pills a year.
I use to see a psychologist but she was a twat.
I don't like people judging me. A lot of this is rooted in my weight issues and low self esteem because my father always commented on my weight, despite his own problems, and said I looked like a lesbian when I cut my hair short and wore baggy clothes. If my own father could say those things, what do other people think and not tell me? When I do let people close to me, specifically men, in the end when everything goes sour, they admit all their little thoughts about me, which only strengthens the fear of constant judgment.
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So here's to living life miserable.
And here's to all the lonely stories that I've told.
Maybe drinking wine will validate my sorrow.
Every man needs a muse and mine could be the bottle.
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