Quote:
Originally Posted by gunnels
^Ostriches are deadly mofos.
If I were in the pursuit of a rabid Capybara, I'd be prepared to engage in mortal combat.
Maybe a wolverine if I had my steel toe boots on.
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Reminded me of this:
Just The Facts
- Average height: five- to six-feet.
- It has no fear of death.
- Is not an ossuary. Dumbass.
How It Can Kill You
The cassowary has the ability to run at speeds of up to 50 kilometers per hour, shredding through branches, sharp leaves and the elderly with its bitchin helmet (called a
casque). Think you can get away? Guess again--it will
run you the **** down. On top of that, it can jump up to a meter in the air; or, high enough to kick a grown man right in the tits. The cassowary is an accomplished swimmer, excelling at both the breast and butterfly stroke. Once within range it will attempt to gore you with its hideous velociraptor talons, or touch you with its hilarious chin-balls. Biologists have failed to confront or acknowledge the cassowary's ability to transmogrify into the thing you fear most (which somehow looks exactly like a cassowary). Who are you going to believe,
some ****ing scientist?
How You Can Kill It
So you've angered a cassowary:
- Go closer.
- Threaten the bird, either verbally or by making obscene gestures
- Continue to approach
- The bird runs at you suddenly. Let it.
- The bird's claws inflict a horrible wound in your stomach
- Die
Failing this, attempt to:
- Wave a stick at it
- Feed it a drama student, or small child
- Kick it in the penis
X 17.5