Quote:
Originally Posted by Dayvan Cowboy
yeah. I'm going to go for it. I'm going to post all of my terrible angsty emo poems here and keep correcting them, keep evolving them, making them longer ect. ect.
first up:
Untitled 1
A girl walked across the Antarctican Plane,
Trekking across the desolate ice sheets, waiting for nothing.
She fell to the ground in sheer exhaustion,
The girl couldn't bear it anymore.
She had to give up, as it was the only valid option.
She took her coats and boots off,
and laid to rest in the snow,
thinking her last thoughts, and giving mental goodbyes.
She let the hypothermia kick in, and bid farewell to the frozen world she came to. |
Dayvan, I like your original poem a lot. It's so simple and understated yet the imagery it brings forth is quite amazing. I also think hypothermia is a very beautiful, poetic word that conjures up vivid images of freezing! keep it.
I think that if you took out a few of the more cliche adjectives it would be such a solid and beautiful poem, but I love it already just as you originally wrote it. It's very good.