Music Banter - Musician jokes

[I'm sure this has been done before. I'm trying to compile them all into one thread. Feel free to add your own.]

Child to mother: “Mom, when I grow up, I want to be a musician.”
Mother: “Make up your mind, son, you can’t do both.”

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.

What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.

What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.

What is the definition of a major second?
Two baroque oboes playing in unison.

How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A bad oboist can kill you.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to.

Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.

How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog has better intonation and knows when to stop scratching.

How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high!

Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Why don't viola players suffer from hemorrhoids?
Because all the as*holes are in the violin section.

What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.

Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
Violins don't have spit valves.

Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin?
You might bend the nail.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.

Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?

How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
A flat minor.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.

Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.

Why was the piano invented?
So musicians would have a place to set their beer.

The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"

How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
Shoot one.

How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

What's the definition of "nerd?"
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
1. Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
2. The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
3. The grip.

What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
The exhaust.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

What's the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either.

What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

Why don't gorillas play trumpet?
They’re too sensitive.

What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
1. Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
2. It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.

How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
The doorbell drags.

What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.

What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?
An optimist.

What is the difference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.

How many trombonists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.

How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?
His hat says "Domino's Pizza"

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-At-A-Glance."

How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.

What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
On or off.

How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
Have them miss every other note.

How can you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.

What is the difference between a French horn section and a '57 Chevy?
You can tune a '57 Chevy.

What do you get when you cross a French horn player and a goalpost?
A goalpost that can't march.

How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out.

What's the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.

How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.

How do you fix a tuba?
1. With a tuba glue, of course.
2. You don’t, it comes that way.

These two tuba players walk past a bar.
Well, it could happen!

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.

How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.

Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.

Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
2. Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
3. None. They have a machine to do that.

Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.

What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians?
A tambourine player.

What is the difference between a tambourine player and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.

How do you know when there is a tambourine player at your front door?
The knocking gets faster and faster and faster.

What do tambourine players use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the best thing to play a tambourine with?
A sledge hammer.

If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
1. The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to demand further instruction.
2. Who cares?

What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What's the difference between a soprano and a piranha?
One wears lipstick.

What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
One’s neck chain is gold.

How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One. She holds the bulb while the world revolves around her.
2. Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
3. Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.

What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman?
Stage makeup.

What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
About 10 pounds.

How is a soprano different from a sewer rat?
There might be people that enjoy the company of sewer rats.

What is the difference between a soprano and a cobra?
One is lethally toxic, the other is just a reptile.

How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
The horses seem very relieved.

What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
Puts on her clothes and goes home.

What's the next thing a soprano does in the morning?
Looks for her instrument.

What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.

What's the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sight read.

What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
Tenors don't have hair on their backs.

How many altos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None. They can't get that high.
2. Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes.

What do you see if you look up a soprano's skirt?
A tenor.

How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The booze is still full and the comic section hasn't been touched.

How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Where is a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.

What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, no one would be very surprised.

How do you tell if a bass vocalist is actually dead?
1. Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death).
2. There’s a difference?
3. Who cares?

How many bass vocalists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.

What is the difference between the women's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?
The tennis final has more men.

How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.

What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance?
The war inflicts less misery.

Why do high school choruses travel so often?
Keeps assassins guessing.

What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.

What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
Chimpanzees may someday learn to communicate with the human race.

What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
The chain saw has the greater dynamic range.

What's the least-used sentence in the English language?
"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"

What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise?"

There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
The stage is level.

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.

How do you silence a guitar player?
Hand him some sheet music.

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitarist have in common?
Both suck when you plug them in.

How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
Threaten to give him a guitar instead.

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None—they just steal somebody else's light.

What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He French kissed it and got electrocuted.

What's the best thing for a rock musician to play on a guitar?
Solitaire.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. They depend on the keyboard player to do it with his left hand.
2. Don't bother. Just leave it out—no one will notice.
3. One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
4. Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists trying to hog the light.

How many guitar players will you need to replace a CFL light bulb?
Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
Who cares?

What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

What do you call ten accordions at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What's a bassoon good for?
Kindling for an accordion fire.

What's an accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.

What do you call a group of topless female accordion players?
Ladies in Pain

What do drummers have in common with philosophers?
Both perceive time as an abstract concept.

What do you call a woman on a lead singer’s arm?
Ho.

What do you call a woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
Saves time in the long run.

What’s the difference between a folk musician and a large pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of four.

Why do clarinetists leave their instrument cases on their dashboards during gigs?
So they can park in the handicapped zone.

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage dump and it hits an accordion.

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is finally closed.

What do you call a rock guitarist who knows two chords?
Critic.

What do you call a rock guitarist who knows three chords?
Skilled labor.

How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
Seven if you lay them out right.

Tuba player: “Did you hear my last recital?”
Friend: “I certainly hope so.”

How do you keep a violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.

What’s the definition of a relative minor?
A guitarist’s girlfriend.

Did you hear about the tenor who was such an arrogant a*s that other tenors noticed?

How do you know when a tenor is at the door?
They can’t find the key and always come in at the wrong moment.

If you see a conductor and a violist standing in the road, which should you run over first?
The conductor—business before pleasure.

What should you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around screaming?
Reload.

What’s the perfect weight for a conductor?
Three and a half pounds counting the urn.

What do you throw a drowning bass player?
His amp.

How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

What should you do if you accidentally run over a bass player?
Back up.

What’s the difference between a bull and a jazz band?
The bull has the horns in front and the as*hole in back.

What’s the sure-fire thing a drummer can say to get fired?
“When do we play my songs?”

A cellist and a violinist are in a bar and the violinist gets drunk and says, “The trouble with you cellists is that you’re just a bunch of talentless, stuck-up stupid-as*es!” The cellist stands up and says, “I can see you’re drunk so I’m just going to leave.” With that, the cellist walks away. The violinist yells, “You heard me! You cellists are a bunch of talentless stuck-up stupid-as*es!” A man gets up from a nearby table and says, “Sir, I heard what you said about cellists and I want you to know how deeply I resent it!” The violinist asks, “What are you—another cellist?” The man replies, “No, I’m a talentless, stuck-up stupid-as*.”

An accordion-player left his accordion in his car with the door unlocked while he went to see a show hoping the accordion would be stolen so that he could claim the insurance. When he came back to his car, there were two accordions.

How do trumpet players greet one another?
“Hi and I’m better than you.”

Conductor to 911 operator: “I have an emergency! My oboist has accidentally swallowed her reed while we were recording, what should I do?”
911 operator: “Quick, switch to a muted trumpet!”

Father to his son after his first bass guitar lesson: “What did you learn today?”
Son: “I learned what the E string is.”
Father (a week later): “What did you learn in your lesson today?”
Son: “I learned what the A string is.”
Father (a week after that): “What did you learn at your lesson today.”
Son: “I didn’t go, I already got a gig.”

How many country singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and three to sing sad songs about the demise of the old bulb.

What do you hear when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.

How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
“I don’t know, man, I just do the sound.”

How does a jazz musician end up with a million dollars in only a month?
He inherits two million.

How does a jazz musician change a light bulb?
He fakes it.

Two musicians are driving down a road and notice Mr. Death in the backseat. Mr. Death tells them they had just been in a fatal car wreck and it is his job to cart them off to eternity but first he must grant each one a final wish. The driver says, “I was a country musician so I want to hear Achy Breaky Heart one last time.” The passenger says, “I wasn’t a country musician so please take me now.”

Did you hear about the suicidal jazz drummer whose timing dragged so badly that he threw himself behind the path of an oncoming train?

What’s the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.

A musician calls his orchestra’s office and asks for the conductor. “I’m sorry,” says the receptionist, “but he died last night.” The musician calls up 25 more times in a row and receives the same answer. The 26th time, the receptionist asks, “Why do you keep calling just to get the same answer?” The musician says, “I just love hearing you say it.”