Music Banter - WolfAtTheDoor's X Factor Live Final Commentary

Those that are a fan of overwhelmingly hateable 'talent' contests that thrive on pedalling vaccuous pop to the masses will probably be sitting around their televisions, waiting for Joe McElderry to win this thing and finally get it out of the way. Personally, I have found myself becoming more and more attached to this smug shitfest and I am therefore one of the many that currently has Dermot O'Leary gurning at me, insisting that my vote is important. I've voted for Olly. Smash the system.

19.35 Things kick off with a childrens choir. Need I say more? Jedward flop onto the stage and their haircuits immediately invade my personal space. The audience applaud accordingly. Joe and Olly's suits appear to be sponsored by Daz. Well, it beats Disney's subliminal endorsements every week.

19.49 Olly's performance of Twist And Shout has somehow managed to incorporate the Thriller dance. Minds boggle, pre-pubescent girls scream.

19.50 Louis Walsh describes Olly as sexy. Again.

19.52 That bloke who looks like the bloke from Red Dwarf interviews a child from Essex who claims she will marry Olly. No one is interested. Other than Louis Walsh, who fears competition.

19.58 If I had a HDTV Joe McElderry's teeth would have punctured my eyeballs.

19.59 Joe performs "Don't Stop Believin'" and as per usual it leaves no impression upon me. He's like condensation on your soul, except opening a window won't get rid of him. Simon Cowell says that if he released this as a single it would be a hit, meaning that it will probably be a B-Side for the Winners song. I have no idea how Journey found their way into X Factor but I don't fucking like it.

20.09 JLS take to the stage, accompanied by a horse that is standing in for Alexandra Burke. Oh wait, apparently that is Alexandra Burke. They perform both of their hit singles because clearly we haven't heard enough of them already.

20.14 Louis Walsh is wearing a little bow tie again. Aww.

20.17 Leona Lewis sings her cover version of Oasis' Stop Crying Your Heart Out whilst 'humourous and heartwarming highlights' from this series play in the background. The smell of the Gallagher's credibility is oozing out of my TV set, making its way towards the window I opened to get rid of Joe Condensation.

20.27 The Winners song is... Miley Cyrus.

20.30 Initially I was incredibly agitated that X Factor could so blatantly be endorsed by Disney and expect the public to fall for it. But after listening to that awful, AWFUL cracked concrete slab of pop blasphemy I am overjoyed that it was chosen.

20.34 Olly's Nan conjures up a creepy image by telling Olly to imagine her sitting on his shoulder.

20.35 Simon states that he feels emotional. His nose grows by three centimetres. It is completely visible on camera.

20.37 Joe Condensation takes to the stage to perform his variation of Miley Cyrus' masterpiece. Beautiful, magnificent, tremendous, outstanding! Oh sorry, my quiche has just finished cooking. The performance? A complete and utter pile of cunt.

20.42 Next Chart Hit? Cheryl Cole - Fight For This Slightly Above Average Singer By Nearly Crying Every Weekend.

20.46 Now Cheryl is actually crying. Get on them phonelines!

20.51 George Michael takes to the stage with a paedophile beard. Apparently this is his latest single that he's performing. It's a crock of shit but it's an actual Christmas song, meaning I immediately want it to be Christmas number one at Christmas... Christmas.

21.03 Paul McCartney takes to the stage to perform 'Drive My Car'. All the 12 finalists from this series join him on stage. It is fitting that on a night where the final nail has been wedged in the Gallagher's coffin, a big, Cowell-sized dump has also been taken in the graveyard of their idols.

21.08 Our Paul's now performing Live And Let Die. Even though it is somewhat disheartening to watch one of The Beatles' cave in to the power of Cowell's bank account, it must be said that I actually quite enjoyed his performance. He pulls it off like a charming, crazy uncle. Simon hilariously says that he's 'through to the next round' and Paul feigns excitement.

21.14 We are shown the support in Olly's hometown of Colchester where two kids are dressed up as him, claiming they are tribute act 'Mini Murs'. It is evident that if Olly wins, he could possibly become quite successful and actually sell a few records. No one will remember Joe Condensation by March.

21.17 Joe won.