vittra

i don’t know if this is the right place to write this type of stuff considering it’s a music forum, but i really need somewhere have myself heard so i don’t feel completely useless.

all i feel is yearning, emptiness, coldness, pain and suffering. i do have my happy moments but it’s not enough and when i talk to people about it it seems like either they don’t understand, or im not good enough to put my thoughts into words.

i tried to kill myself around a month ago, it felt a bit childish but it was over an argument with my best friend who i also happen to be in love with. we argued about how i forced her into a relationship. i do feel bad about it but i never knew that i forced her, i really thought she loved me too because she would say she loved me so much and go in detail how much she loved me but she said she gaslit herself that she loved me. i never meant to force her into a relationship. i did talk about my problems and mental health with her a lot and how our situation affected me and i guess she felt like she had to be with me because of it. that night she said she hated me a lot, i already had lots of reasons why i didn’t want to live but this broke me so i tried to overdose and i left the house to find a place where i could die because i didn’t want my mom to find me. coincidentally around 15 minutes later my mom comes up to me outside because she saw i wasn’t in my room so she went looking which is why im alive.

my best friend visited me in the hospital and i could feel the tension between my mother and her. i did not feel deserving either of having her visit me. i’m so closely connected to her but at the same time i hurt so much from her, and i hurt her. we always argue and i always do or say something wrong. i’m always wary of our conversations to make sure it doesn’t lead into an argument and i avoid certain topics to prevent arguments. but somehow they always end up happening. i feel completely hopeless like there’s something wrong with me, i want to blame her but deep down i know it’s that it’s me. i suffer so much from being close to her but when im far away i just feel empty it’s like a drug. i always try to hide my feelings whenever i get sad because she says im pathetic and that i act like the victim. i’m usually in the wrong but never on purpose and i can’t help it i cry and i feel like whatever i do it will never be enough or the right choice im so close to a breaking point. not only in our relationship but in life.

i’m not who i want to be. i hate the way i look, i hate the way i haven’t done something commendable or special yet, i hate the way i always cry, i hate the way i need to cling onto something to feel important, i hate the way im never enough, i hate the way how i can never be understood by anyone, i hate the way i can’t understand or do something that others can do easily without thinking. i just can’t see myself living in the future or working, im also failing school and i can never focus. in class i either take up to little space or too much when i do talk. i hate myself so much i do.

the only thing i wanna do when i grow up is be a musician or make it with my band but i know only a very small percentage of people make it. so either i become a musician which is such a small chance or i end up working with something i don’t care about at all which feels like a failure, is life even worth living if i could be something so much more but end up doing something that is just a compromise for something much greater?

i just hate myself and i needed to write this somewhere that isnt my notes so i know that people hear me and see this. i truly am miserable and i get so easily upset and sad. i feel like noting can save me and i have to drag my body through the days. i feel done with life and i don’t wanna keep wasting my time here it feels pointless. do i need to scream for people to hear me?

jadis

You know the cliché about how "it gets better"? It's absolutely true. The only thing you can do is wait it out and life will do its thing.

The one thing suicide achieves is to foreclose every one of the countless avenues life has of getting better, richer, more unpredictable, more pleasurable than you are capable of imagining right now. You meet new people and get obsessed with them, you discover new passions and talents, you spend countless quality nights on your own reading or watching films.

But to get there you need to thug it out, as I think kids of your age say(?)...

__________________
You hide behind a borrowed chase for the sake of future days

mattrixs

Im sorry your feeling this way... I am also feeling bad,Im sick of this stupid world........

Ya go somewhere and just be yourself and friendly and they bother the cops wanting a "Wellness" check..... EVEN THOUGH THEY SAW ME GET IN OUR CAR WHEN I LEFT THE BEACH!

People cant mind thier own fucka business!!!!!!!!


THEY GOTTA BOTHER THE POLICE ABOUT EVERY LITTLE THING BECAUSE THEY ARE TO FUCKED UP TO BE A PERSON THEMSELVES.......

I am tired of being here..........


Im sorry to take your thread off topic... I feel bad for you Vittra!!

Drjohnrock

You don't need to second guess yourself for starting this thread. You are among friends here.

Please don't hurt yourself. You deserve to be in this world just as much as anyone else. I don't want to suggest that I've had excatly the same struggles, or ones as serious as yours, but I have had very down periods in my life, including one when I was around your age. But although it might not seem so now, things really will get better. I agree with jadis about how suicide would deprive you of so many good things. However, I recognize that just trying to tough out depression isn't enough. I encourage you to seek out help. Maybe there's a counselor at your school, or a family member who is close to you, who can help put you in touch with some counseling resources.

I know a lot of people don't understand mental health problems. But your need for help for them is every bit as valid as a person seeking medical attention for a broken arm or leg. Please get some help.

vittra

thank you all for the messages, i’m still in a bad place and can maybe not see yet what you mean jadis but thank you both it means a lot.

Drjohnrock

I also posted a message you might not have seen since I posted at the same time as your reply to jadis.

vittra

thank you drjohnrock, maybe i should talk to someone. it’s just that the ones i’ve already talked to doesn’t seem to understand, it just feels easier if i found a friend to talk with. but i will think about it. thank you.

Drjohnrock

Not all counselors--or psychiatrists or clinical psychologists for that matter--can be all things to all people. Sometimes you have to try two or more to find a good fit. I would encourage you to keep trying.

mattrixs