Music Banter - favorite hospital story

so a conversation at work sparked the idea for this thread when me and one of the guys that i work with (and ski with), were relating our favorite hospital stories. so here's a few of mine.

back in high school, i was afflicted with a nasty little illness called the norwok virus. So there i was, sitting in the emergency room, incredibly sick, on the verge of passing out because of he horrible painful stomach cramps and vomiting regularly about every half hour. My breathing started to get pretty fast because of all the pain i was in, and i guess i started o hyperventialte. now, since all the oxygen had gone from my extremities, my hands started to contract into wierd, claw-like positions, and i couldnt for the life of me relax my muscles. now, being in the pain induced altered state of mind that i was, i found this wildly funny. So there i am, curled up in a fetal position on a plastic chair, vomit bucket at my feet, hyperventialting, hands all creepy and claw-like, and i'm laughing hysterically. i apparently passed out just as the triage nurse got to me. now i bet you're thinking they must have admitted me at this point. nope. just then, not one, not two, but three stabbing victims were rushed in, apparently in much worse condition than i was. so i was given a pat on the head, a paper bag to breathe into, and told to sit tight. luckily, i was not without some interesting scenery. a guy who couldnt be more than a few years older than me was O-D'ing on the floor a few feet away from me, screaming and crying about the leprachauns (seriously, there's some sh*t you just can't make up). He was eventually joined by his mother, who managed to calm him down with the help of two large police officers. now at this point i'm so dilerios i can't even tell if the hands in front of me are attached to my body (turns out they were, and i had grown fascinated with my claw-like hands once again). Along comes a sweet looking little old lady, who looked at me, and made a bee-line towards me and my mom. she looked at my mom, and asked "what's wrong with her?" my mom answered politely enough, "uhhh, she's just very sick." "oh", replied the nice old lady, "is she going to have a baby?" "uummm, no, no she's not." "don't worry, it'll be a beautiful baby." the nice old woman then proceeded to ask the mother of the druggie who was still O-D'ing on the floor if he was going to have a baby, and reasurred her that is was going to be a beautiful one. did i mention she also spoke with a very fake australian accent? nothing else really memorble happened after that, mainly because i passed out once more, and by the time i woke up i was in the emergency ward hooked up to a saline drip and a unit of morphine. hospitals are fun arent they?

now, i could relate my surgury debacle from last summer, but that would take too long. Instead i'm just going to provide some insight into the mental capacity of the nursing staff of one of our hosptals. lets's see, there was the one nurse who sat checking her e-mail for 10 minutes after i asked for nose drops that would allow me to breathe, while i was in bed, not able to breathe through my nose. and since my jaw was wired shut at the time, my lips swollen to 3 times the normal size, it was incredibly difficult to get oxygen into my lungs. or there's the nurse who tried to wheel the blood pressure machine out of my room, while it was still strapped to my arm, and only noticed when she pulled me halfway out of my bed. or there was the nurse who mixed up my pain medication, and gave me demorol (which i'm allergic to, as it said on my file), and caused me to break out in hives, and spend the rest of the day throwing up violently after a heavy dose of benadryll, which is none too easy with your jaw wired shut.

or i could talk about the times i've accompanied my friends to the emergency room after skiing accidents, like when my ex landed on his head, and his best friend tried to teach me how to do kick-flips in the hospital waiting room while he got his neck ex-rayed. apparently that's frowned upon.