I get the feeling that his cooking is pretty mediocre.

I've been to a couple cookouts (many moons ago) hosted by dads who were more or less just subdued versions of Guy Fieri and they were never very good.

How can you **** up nacho burgers and Oreo steaks?

I bet he invites Bobby Flay over so that they can put cilantro and avocado on everything. And I bet that there are more than five types of "salad."

Bobby Flay ruins everything.

I hate that smarmy *******. I can appreciate Guy Fieri on some level because I'm pretty sure he's conscious of what he's doing and isn't just Joe Schmoeing all over the place. Bobby Flay just gets lonely housewives watching. Boring and white as ****.

Bobby Flay is a vile goblin, truly. I want to fight him.

I also hate the fact that Rachael Ray-- a useless toad-- still somehow has a show. (And The Pioneer Woman. She has the screen presence of a potato.)


Anyway, I felt compelled to see if erotic Food Network fanfiction is a thing that exists, and shockingly there isn't really a whole lot out there (aside from stories that were obviously written as a joke, like this one, which is admittedly entertaining)

**** you. As a young 20-something the idea that an adorable milf would cook for me sustained my enforced celibacy.

F minor. Also, F Batlord, F Guy, and F Bobby, AND F Dr. Oz!!!

**** Dr. Oz with a capital Z.