Music Banter

Music Banter (https://www.musicbanter.com/)
-   The Lounge (https://www.musicbanter.com/lounge/)
-   -   Rants - post em (https://www.musicbanter.com/lounge/47699-rants-post-em.html)

Vancouver 02-16-2010 04:54 PM

Rants - post em
 
TAKING YOUR COAT OFF WHILE SITTING AT THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS.

You're stuck at the traffic lights, sweating bullets in the heavy overcoat you knew you shouldn't have worn, when the stupidest idea you'll ever have dances through your brain like an epileptic on roller-skates: "Maybe I could take my coat off! Here! In the car! In this tiny, enclosed space! Even though I've only got, say, 10 seconds until the lights change!"

So you go for it. You've got one eye on the lights, the other on the zipper. You're undoing the seatbelt with the left hand, frantically tugging at your sleeve with the right. Arms flail. You're knocking the windscreen wipers on, resetting the radio presents, altering the angle of the interior mirror.

And then - somehow, someway - you wriggle your way free. The truth is, no one's actually sure what happens if you don't remove your coat before the lights change.

All I know is, I don't want to be the one who finds out.

AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION.

Trust me -- you don't want to be standing between me and the exit during pantomime season. Because I will literally scratch a child's eyes out before I get up on that stage to perform the Macarena.

I don't give a **** who you are -- Puss in Boots, Dandini, Prince Charming -- if you come at me with that microphone and try to drag me up on stage, I'll drop you like a used condom.

And mother****er, don't even think about trying the whole "Come on ladies and gentlemen, give him a bit of encouragement" bull****.

Just know this: touch me one more time and -- panto or no panto -- I will bite your face.


THE 'I'M-NOT-YAWNING' FACE.

You're in an important meeting. You feel a yawn coming on. But you can't yawn. That would mean disgrace. So you strike on an ingenious idea: yawning while keeping your mouth closed.

Because then no one could possibly suspect that you're yawning. Never mind the fact that your entire face is stretching out like cling-film over a toilet basin, or that your eyelids are voilently flickering, or that your nostrils are flaring. You can't be yawning.

After all, your mouth is closed, so...


TAXI DRIVER SMALLTALK.

I'm uniquely appalling at Taxi Driver Smalltalk. I want to say: "There's an extra two bucks in it for you if we can just sit here in silence." But I don’t. Instead, just to avoid the awkward silence, I unleash my one and only piece of taxi-based chit-chat:

"So, what time are you on until?"

I barely even understand the significance of this question, I just heard my dad ask it once. And despite the fact that I've asked it literally hundreds of times, I can't remember what a single one of them has said. Which means I have no frame of reference. What is a respectable time to be on until? 3am? 4am? 5am? I don't know. So when they reply, I just have to wing it.

"Oh, that's not too bad," I say, like I'm some kind of expert in the field of taxi driver working hours.

Then I make a big play of getting my cell out, and I do some pretend-texting for a bit.

PEOPLE WHO'D PREFER IT IF YOU SLAGGED THEM OFF TO THEIR FACE.

Because let's face it, there's no way I'm going to do that. For one, I don't dare, and for two, it'd just be awkward.

Let's say I do happen to think you're a prick. Let's say your name's Tim, and you're loud, and obnoxious, and you're one of those people who's really into fancy dress parties, and you overuse the word 'random', and you do that thing where you 'drink' the last crumbs from a bag of chips, and you're always the first one to start up a 'rubbish bag' during long-distance car journeys, and every time I have a cup of coffee you comment on how many sugars I have, and you're always going on about how you haven't got the internet at home like that somehow makes you better than me, and you roll the sleeves up on all your shirts even though it makes your head look way too big for your body. Let's say all that. Well, I can't just tell you that to your face.

Which is why I'll either: A) slag you off behind your back, the good old-fashioned way, or B) change your name and write a face book entry about it.

You know, like a real man.

OLD WOMEN WHO THINK I GIVE A **** ABOUT THEIR CRAPPY PIN NUMBER.

Hey, old women -- I officially don't give a **** about your crappy pin number. To be honest, I have enough of a struggle remembering my own, without wanting to look at yours.

So you can stop doing the whole 'hand shield' thing. Also, just so you know, those fake-presses aren't fooling anyone. In case you hadn't noticed, when you actually press a button, it makes a sound.

Jesus, what's so special about your pin number, anyway? I wouldn't mind if you were trying to stop me from seeing, say, a Stuart Little-type rambunctious CGI mouse. But you're not.

So pack it in.

THE FANTASY DINNER PARTY.

Which five historical figures -- living or dead -- would you invite to a fantasy dinner party?

Well, I'll tell you, since everyone's answer is the same anyway: Jesus, Elvis, Oscar Wilde, JFK, Einstein.

Brilliant. Five of the biggest show-offs in human history. I thought this was supposed to be my dinner party. I'm the one who's supposed to be showing off, not John F. ****ing Kennedy. Oh, "Bay of Pigs" this, "Marilyn Monroe" that. Why don't you just sit down, shut the **** up and listen to what happened to me when I was playing NCAA football online the other night?

And guess who's going to end up clearing the plates away? I'll give you a clue: it won't be Jesus.

Thrice 02-16-2010 06:23 PM

I like to drink the last crumbs from the bag of chips.

CanwllCorfe 02-16-2010 07:51 PM

It really gets my goat when people try to sound fancy and say words like "thou", "thee", "thy" and "thine". Look up how to use them.. it's not hard. Thou and thee are both "you" depending on whether you're the subject or not. Thy or thine are the possessive forms of you, depending on whether the noun begins with a vowel or not (exactly like my and mine).

People who eat with their mouth open.. come on now. It's not that hard to keep your mouth closed goddamn it. It's annoying most of the time, but when the person is fat and is actually eating so fast that they're breathing heavily.. then it's straight up disgusting.

Janszoon 02-16-2010 07:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vancouver (Post 827311)
THE 'I'M-NOT-YAWNING' FACE.

You're in an important meeting. You feel a yawn coming on. But you can't yawn. That would mean disgrace. So you strike on an ingenious idea: yawning while keeping your mouth closed.

Because then no one could possibly suspect that you're yawning. Never mind the fact that your entire face is stretching out like cling-film over a toilet basin, or that your eyelids are voilently flickering, or that your nostrils are flaring. You can't be yawning.

After all, your mouth is closed, so...

:laughing:

I this is one of my favorite things I've read in quite a while.

Sansa Stark 02-16-2010 07:58 PM

I really hate it when people bump into me in stores and such and don't say excuse me, it aggravates me no end. I've called complete strangers ****s because of this. It is really ****ing rude and it won't take that much time to apologise you ****ing ****

Or people who bring their baby strollers and **** to fairs and whatever. Like the baby gives a ****, save the money you're spending on elephant ears and whatever other fattening **** you're going to buy and hire a ****ing baby sitter.

Psy-Fi 02-16-2010 10:27 PM

People who use office jargon at work. There are too many examples to list here, but one that's always annoyed me is "thinking outside the box." I once had to sit in on a meeting with some supervisors and managers at a company I was working for, and a manager from the HR dept. used that phrase and as he uttered the word "box" he put his hands up in front of his face and drew an imaginary square with his index fingers. I had to bite my lip to keep from bursting out laughing!

+81 02-17-2010 01:10 AM

People who need to turn at the intersection as I'm trying to cross the crosswalk. There's a designated time for you to go clearly marked on the bright ****ing light ahead of you. Either go when you're suppose to or wait it out. I'm you have some apologetic or angry look going on as you're forced to stop a foot before me but I honestly can tell in that split second reaction glance, nor do I really care as you clearly don't because you have places to be.

Vancouver 02-17-2010 09:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CanwllCorfe (Post 827452)
It really gets my goat when people try to sound fancy and say words like "thou", "thee", "thy" and "thine". Look up how to use them.. it's not hard. Thou and thee are both "you" depending on whether you're the subject or not. Thy or thine are the possessive forms of you, depending on whether the noun begins with a vowel or not (exactly like my and mine).

People who eat with their mouth open.. come on now. It's not that hard to keep your mouth closed goddamn it. It's annoying most of the time, but when the person is fat and is actually eating so fast that they're breathing heavily.. then it's straight up disgusting.

or say mature like.."mat-urre"...

bandteacher1 02-17-2010 01:10 PM

I hate it when parents assume that they know more about my grading system than I do.

Freebase Dali 02-18-2010 01:07 PM

  • I can't stand the sound of other people typing. My typing doesn't bother me, but everyone else's does. It's so annoying at school that I literally can't even think. All I can do is focus on how annoying it sounds and I fantasize about going across the room and repeatedly beating them in the face with the keyboard. I know it's irrational, but the sound... it's So. Fucking. Annoying. And I don't understand how my own typing doesn't produce the same effect. It's the same sound. Strange.

TheCunningStunt 02-18-2010 01:23 PM

Facebook, well, what can you say about that?

It’s a chav infested site what awful people on it, I know what you’re thinking “well you’re friends with them.” And yes that maybe the case, but it’s not my fault a load of dribblers from school decide to find me and say “omg nt spoke 2 u for tyme” I really do wish most of the people from school and other aquentences that I loath will all have a mass orgie with each other, so I can gas the ****cakes. I don’t know how I will aquire the gas and make them all sexually attracted to each other but I will manage it because the world will be a better place.

Why do people feel the need to join 10,000 groups in one day? I see people joining groups like “I go out of my way to step on a leaf” and I’m thinking thank you very much? What the fuck can I do with that information, you total wanker.

People who go out on nights out just to take pictures, to show their popularity need a shot gun up the arse, and someone with some moral decency to pull the trigger.

“Write something about yourself?”...No.

The part I don’t mind about it is the interests and favourite music/films etc. However when people fill it out with “wtevr swnds good init” (Whatever sounds good, innit.) They make me want to cunt them in their bastards, the whole point of music is your perception, what may sound good to you, may sound bad to others. Hence why there’s a column for you to express your views.

And finally, you may be saying well you know where the cancel account button is? And all I have to say is fuck you, you smart arse cunt.

Vancouver 02-18-2010 02:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheCunningStunt (Post 828103)
Facebook, well, what can you say about that?

I don’t know how I will aquire the gas and make them all sexually attracted to each other .

LMFAO...wicked.


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 05:12 PM.


© 2003-2024 Advameg, Inc.