How To: Win At Life!

[Plankton]

How To: Win at life!

A condensed comprehensive guide to being the baddest ass on the internet or anywhere else you might go, should you choose to leave the comfort and responsibility free confines of your mothers home. Using this 38 step plan, you'll gain the ability and grandeur of a self proclaimed stealth word ninja for years of enjoyment and trolling, or until the gravy train finally runs out. Either way, I'm eager to start on this fantastic journey of cavalierness and self deprecation, so let's begin...

Step 1: Moving in with Mom - A Foundation for Success!
Living with Mother while you're well into your 30's will instill a true sense of failure, self loathing, and if you're lucky, a fear of intimacy. Even better if she constantly ignores you and treats you with indignant contempt. Of course this can only work if you have a Reese Bobby for a Dad, so if he's around, send him packing. You don't need his fake love and failed attempts at making up for not being there gumming up the program when we're just getting started.

Step 2: Fast Food - A Corporate Strategy
If you have a career and/or gainful employment, quit or try to get fired right now! You'll only need a solid understanding of how fries and burgers are made for this journey. To achieve this, simply walk into any fast food establishment and grab an apron and a little hat. Take extra care in spitting on those burgers as you feel the indifference to every other person on the planet start to seep into the core of your being. Once you feel the crippling realization that you'll probably be doing this until you ultimately collect that four hundred dollars a month from all those years of handing over more than half of your measly check to social security, you're on your way!

Step 3: Comic Books & Video Games - Distraction Jackson
In order to insure financial instability and years of irresponsibly living off your mothers dime, you don't need to deal with pesky things like school, a vocation, or even a career for that matter. Hey, you're in your 30's, and the gravy train has left the station with your ass firmly planted on a seat with ticket in hand. Make sure to take the garbage out plenty and vacuum as much as you can to retain those allowance dollars for plenty of video games and comics to keep you busy for thousands of hours while your pathetic existence slips away into the abyss. Bonus points for getting Mom to pay for a semester of school and not finishing, leaving her to clean up the mess. I think you're ready for step 3 now!

Step 5: Dicks - They Don't Suck Themselves
Nothing says detachment from a socially appropriate situation more than sucking another mans dick. Sorry ladies. If you're a female then this guide isn't for you since this kind of lifestyle is rampant with misogyny a plenty. I should point out that the "No Homo" clause should be invoked here, but not absolutely necessary because hey... who are we to judge? No, wait, of course we're gonna judge, silly! That's what this guide is for. That taste in your mouth is likely gonna be there for a long time, so why not take it out on others by mocking their music, clothes, and/or general appearance (calling something "Gay" is a preferred method), while you slip comfortably into a dellusional state of self aggrandized bliss. Ahhhhh... Let's move on, shall we...

Step 8: Shippin you off to Military school with that Finklestein shit kid
In order to instill a firm fear and paranoia of any leadership position, you'll need to get your information on this step from the inside. Having your mother ship you off to any ROTC or junior military installation of these sorts will get your foot in the door, but it's up to you to build up a solid hatred and contempt for anyone who tries to tell you what to do. After all, it's kind of pointless, since you already know everything. What do they think you are, stupid? I really (ha ha) don't think so.

Step 43: The Bitch In Me - Putting it all together
Armed with no life, no prospects, and no foreseeable future in anything other than living with your Mom until she ultimately dies and you end up homeless, you have to seek out people to annoy. This step is crucial. A good way to initiate this final step is to seek out unsuspecting people that have proven themselves unmatched by your superior abilities and go into super restrained troll mode. This will draw out the plebs and noobs for you to have your way with as they scratch their heads wondering what superior intellect has happened upon them. An intellect so superior it has to remain in the obscure confines of a remote section of the dregs of the interwebs because if it were ever to be discovered... people would just move on with their productive lives, leaving you in obscurity holding onto only the scraps of your miserable existence. Gasp!

Summation:
If you've followed these 228 steps correctly, you'll be well on your way to tackling the more unsavory issues in casual conversation. In no time, you'll be throwing around topics like Racism, Misogyny, and Genocide like the whimsical party favors they were meant to be. And don't forget to tell your Mom to make you another Hot Pocket, because you're being a badass on the internet and winning at Life! But, she probably won't because of her indifference towards you since you were a mistake and ruined her life.

[Frownland]

[Key]

huh?

[Ol’ Qwerty Bastard]

this is weird

[Tristan_Geoff]

Originally Posted by Plankton

With all your accomplishments and life experience, I'd have to be a simpleton to not follow your suggestions. If I were to ever grow a man-bun, and start wearing glasses ironically, I'd make you my life coach. You've already won at life.

Oh, ah. I understand now. This is gold.

[ChelseaDagger]

This is why Plankton is the only mod to whom I answer.

[Ol’ Qwerty Bastard]

[DwnWthVwls]

Dear Plankton,

I read your guide, and I have to say, this sounds like the exact opposite of how to win life.

Sincerely,
Worried Consumer

[The Batlord]

God damn. I can understand trolling, but putting this much time and effort into it makes you look way worse than it does me. Are you drunk or just off your meds, cause... yeesh.

also tl;dr

[Tristan_Geoff]

Originally Posted by The Batlord

God damn. I can understand trolling, but putting this much time and effort into it makes you look way worse than it does me. Are you drunk or just off your meds, cause... yeesh.

also tl;dr

It's still hilarious though.