I need some social skills help...
 

Dunno if there's a thread for this thing, but I did look. Here goes...

Anyway, I'm 22, female and my major problem is that I find it hard to relate to anyone my own age, or make friends.

I'm honestly trying not to sound arrogant here, but the girls I've come across my own age are vacuous idiots who aren't interested in anything of remote depth. I also don't hold most of the same interests as most (if not all) girls my age either, meaning I can't relate to them even on a shared-interests basis. I don't go to clubs, I'm not interested in make-up or clothes that much, I'm not into celebrities or TV or any 'popular' films one bit.

The whole thing though has left me pretty much friendless all my life and now is making me more and more depressed as time goes on. What has not helped is that I only recently returned here after spending some 5 years away in another part of the country, and this is a small place, where everyone seems to know everyone else. Most of the people I once knew have moved on and have kids, their own lives.

I really don't know what to do. I've tried going to different activities and classes and trying to talk to people, but I'm hitting these problems time and time again. It's hitting my mood big-time and it's not helping my depression one bit.

I'd appreciate some advice 'cause at the moment I really have no idea what to do.

It sounds to me that you might be more comfortable with more mature people, possibly ones who are older than yourself. I know you can only base your opinions on your own personal experiences, but try not to group all people your age into the category you have described. Having the internet at your disposal is a good way to hone your verbal skills, but lacks in comparison to human-to-human contact. I'd suggest maybe doing some volunteer work or possibly joining a sports league. Go to some concerts of bands that you like, you're more likely to meet people of your liking if you already have some tastes in common.

My major problem is that I already have friends who are older/more mature, but it's a huge concern to me that I cannot relate to people my own age.

I already do a volunteer placement and I've been having huge amounts of issues with some people because of this inability to relate to them in anyway, both socially and mentally. I'm among the only uni graduates there, I'm not a first-language English speaker which doesn't help and generally I just don't think or act in the same way they do.

Why is it such a huge concern?

If I'm understanding this correctly, your goal is to be able to relate more to people in your own age group or social circle, NOT to be able to find other that you can relate to (regardless of age).

I feel that if others cannot relate to you, the onus should not be on you to change yourself to accomodate them.

But I do realize that everyone wants to fit in and have pleasant and enjoyable social experiences. What seems to be the problem, specifically? Is it that you don't have things in common (music, films, interests, etc), or is it the inability to communicate those like interests? Every social group, regardless of age or location, is going to have the airheads and brain-dead morons, that's a given. But according the law of averages, there should be some people with genuine intellects which may appeal to you, it may just take some digging to pry it out of them.

Often people who share your interests, will share parts of your character.
Find people with hobbies or interests you like too, it really works.
Go... Join a forum or something :D.

The problem is that it just seems that I have nothing AT ALL in common with anyone I've met my age, both with the actual interests themselves and also the way these people think. As I said, most girls to me seem to be superficial- they're interested in their clothes or hair or whatever, yet show little ability to show interest in anything else.

@Plum: It's a problem because at the moment I look like a pretentious asshat and as a result, people my age think I'm snobby.

It's sounds like you're getting hung up on the social norm of having to have friends that are your own age. If you don't really want to be friends with people your own age that go clubbing, etc. then you shouldn't try to. If I'm wrong then tell me, but it sounds like you want to make friends your own age just for the sake of having friends your own age, even if they don't share the same interests as you, which I don't think is the right way to go about it.

If you're trying to meet people your own age that SHARE the same interests as you, I'd agree with oojay's first post.

i think if you just be yourself, and be really happy that you are blessed with Life (like, let the feeling of Life As Gift course through you), then REAL friends will be provided for you courtesy of the Universe. sounds crazy, but it works for me, and i used to feel just like you. real friends don't give a flying f*ck if you are anything like them at all. they just love you because you are you.

those vacuous idiots you mentioned are very real. they need help too. so if you want to be their friends, be prepared to be patient and to lead by example.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pronoia_(psychology)

The problem is that you have these ideas that these other girls and peers are idiots. You don't know them, you're just making this assumption off of the clothes they wear, their interests, etc. Of course there are morons everywhere but I feel like you might be kinda of looking for an excuse to NOT get along with these people. Know what I'm sayin? Maybe instead of looking for reasons to be friends you are looking for reasons to not be friends.

3 of my best friends I met in college and we couldn't be much more different. They like cars and computers, I like sports. Drinking and drugs were a big factor in us being friends, and I'm not suggesting you should become an alcoholic or a pothead but just let loose a little bit. TheCunningStunt would say in shoutbox about how he hated parties because people there would be having stupid conversations and stuff. I guess I'm just trying to say dont take life that seriously. Who cares if people aren't similar, just have fun regardless, laugh as much as possible. Don't be uptight about doing stupid stuff yourself. The only people judging you are the type of people who stand in the corner at parties and make fun of the other people who are actually having fun.

As for meeting people, I'd suggest joining intramural sports if your college has them.

You're going to meet common people in common places. Go to less common places.

So? As long as you have someone you can relate to, no matter what the age, then it really shouldn't matter. If they're superficial, why do you care what they think? **** em

Try not to worry about what people your age think. I know it's easier said than done, but who cares if they think you are pretentious. Why does their opinion matter anyway.

If there are older people with who you enjoy spending time with, don't let the opinions of others, who clearly don't have your best interests at heart, dictate whether or not you find friendship...no matter the age. :)

Sounds similar to my situation. But I make due. The internet helps me get in touch with people that have like interests. I have a couple friends here in my little town, but it's kinda hard to relate to them. Not because I think they're inferior or anything, but just that I think differently. It's not an age thing. I'm just uh.. quirky? Or weird. Yeah I'm just weird. You get used to it in time.

Why is this a bad thing?
If you ask me, I wish there were more girls like you. I think you should see this as a sign of evolution, and enjoy your position on the top of the social-intellectual chain. It may net you quite a lonely existence, and nerdy boyfriends (Me!!! Please?), but you'll be far more fulfilled even at the prospect of connecting with someone on your level, than dumbing yourself down for the sake of a connection that really doesn't mean anything to you.

I think you should worry less about you not relating to most other chicks, and more about them not relating to you.

I want to hang that on my wall...

this.

+ Nerdy boyfriends make the best boyfriends

.

I've had that same kind thing happen to me. In my one art class, someone said that hearing me talk made them think that they "should read a book". And then when I was hanging out with my friend Johnny, he was skyping with one of his friends from Jersey. After awhile she said that I sounded "very white". I occasionally feel the need to change my wording, because I really don't want people to think of me like that. But then I realized that I shouldn't go DOWN to their level, they should be UP on my level. And my level isn't even that high. I take the stairs. It's not my fault.

I can somewhat relate. For a long time I was very tomboyish but thanks to my excellent social skills I can befriend anyone with any type of interests. Obviously for most people it's not that easy. You want someone you can connect with on a deeper level and I'm looking for that myself right now. Most of my friends are club crazy, boy crazy and listen to crap music. I've really grown past that - hate clubs, hate men (jokes but I am not obsessed with getting a guy or even interested at all right now), and listen to music beyond the so called normal crap.

I just moved cities and the place I'm staying is a tiny piece of ass town which is over an hour away from everything decent. But it's only temporary and I have the luxury of making new friends in the manner I want to, not the ones I had from school.

My advice for you is fine someone musically compatible with you. Whether it be a drum lesson, a band at the local pub or someone who's interested in collecting music. I'm saying this on the basis that you're a music elitist like us.

**** friends who needs em

Good friends are like looking for a lego block you need. You only find them when you stop looking for them.

If you want some advice from my experience, if you wanna get along with people better, just pull back a bit. Don't hold them to the same standards you hold yourself, just you do your thing, they do their thing. Cos generally speaking, most people have ****ty standards. Then again I'd call that getting along, I wouldn't really call that friends. It's just that a few people might surprise you by not being complete ****s.


But personally I'm in the same situation you are. Had no solid friends since I left school. To be honest I don't really care anymore, I learnt to be my own friend.

It's not for want of trying that I've not got along with people. It just seems that all a lot of people my age want is instant pleasure. They don't want to think of anything beyond the next 5min, and they certainly don't appreciate anything outside their own narrow little mindset, and certainly not anything that I would enjoy.

I've had friends with VERY differing interests to my own, and the main thing was that we could respect, appreciate and consider each other's opinions and ideas. We could actually have something approaching a conversation, and this is why we got on so well together.

It matters because the people who are close to me (mostly family) are really beginning to question my mind and whether I'm actually 'all there' or whether I have some serious emotional/mental disability.

Also, I love you!!! :D

Sometimes I think I'm a 52-yr old guy in a 22-yr old girl's body...

Unless you're giving them some kind of glaring reason for their alarm, you should be able to simply let them know what's going on, and if they're worth being close to, they should understand and respect your position. At the very least, they should try.