random hilarious stories.
 

pretty simple... just tell a random hilarious story of yours.

i'll start.

so, me and a bunch of buddies are at a bar/night club. we were drinking all sorts of different things and one drink included red bull and vodka. we had two of these in a row nearing around 1am.

we're all standing in a circle, you know, yelling (because the music is so loud) at each other enthusiastically about stuff i can't remember, when my one buddy kind of leans into the middle of the circle, crouches a bit, spreads his arms like a bird about to fly, looks up at us all like a deer caught in headlights, and sorta half yells that he's gonna puke. darts to the bathroom.

i wasn't present for what happened next, cuz, well, generally i don't need to see people puking.

upon running into the bathroom, he neglected to wonder if anyone was in the first stall that he burst into and puked all over this dude taking a deuce. so, allowing himself the time to think of the possible repercussions of doing this, he very quickly comes to the conclusion that there's a possibility that if this guy is given the time and allowed the facility, he's gonna wipe his *ss, pull up his pants and in all likelihood beat the living hell out of my buddy. so my buddy decided that the thing to do (god bless him) is look out for himself.

the poor bastard taking a sh*t... he was just taking a sh*t and this totally random dude bursts in on him, pukes all over him, and then beats him senseless. and i mean senseless. we had time to pay our tab and very nonchalantly make a getaway.

as much as i feel sorry for him, if it happened to me, the sheer unlikelihood would stir laughter for weeks to some.

haha. f*cking humans.

Got quite a few of these.

Driving through some woods with a friend, a dear crossed my path, so I slowed down a bit, and as soon as I started going again (since the deer was just standing on the side of the road), the deer jumped out in front of the car. I had deer snot all over my hood, and we could clearly see that it's front left leg had been broken. Now, my buddy isn't the brightest bulb in the closet, so he starts screaming "Stop the car!" and jumps out with a tire iron screaming "WE gotta catch it and kill it!" I wanted no part of it, as I rolled my eyes. About ten minutes later I see him coming through the tree break, head down and desheveled. I asked him, "Did you get it?", "No." was his reply. "Can we go now?", I asked. "Yeah." he says. "Pull over so I can grab a beer".

I know. A bit anti-climactic, but it's pretty funny to me.

So, I used to go to a military boarding school back in high school, and I had this one dipshit roommate. Dude was an asshole and was always pissing someone or an entire group of people off. There was the time he supposedly called the football coach a nigger and basically had a revolving door of black kids coming into our room and beating the shit out of him. My particular favorite time was when he snitched on some crazy motherfucker for cheating on a test. Everyone knew he'd done it, and he was basically shitting himself the entire day waiting for this dude to do something. Like I said, he was a dipshit because apparently in his terror he never thought to lock our door, so that night in walks this crazy dude just as calm as can be. My roommate gets up from the bed that he was sitting on and tries to BS his way out of this, but the crazy dude doesn't bother to listen. He kicks my roommate in the chest onto his bed, kneels down onto his stomach, pulls out a butterfly knife, holds it to my roommate's neck and basically tells him that if he ever hears about my roommate doing anything like this again that he's gonna slit his throat. Dude never even raised his voice. Then he turns to me and says, "Did you see anything?" and I'm like, "See what?"

Maybe not funny-ha-ha, but it was military school funny.

I'm not implying anything here. Just wanted to point this out. Your story and this story are very similar.

QDB: Quote #608100

Just sayin' bro.

that is some messed up stuff right there. seriously. this isn't the first place i've told this story, so either someone punked my story, or someone had a near identical thing happen. so weird.

When did your story occur?

8 or 9 years ago probably.

Well that story has been on that website for quite some time after yours occurred so I guess it's possible somebody on the Internet robbed your story. I guess.

It all started out on a beautiful sunny day in Southern California. Birds were chirping, bees were stinging and you could smell the napalm in the air otherwise known as smog. I had decided this was the day to organize a game of softball between friends and enemies, always invite your enemies. And so it began, lots of beer drinking ensued, I smoked a big fat joint of some bull**** og whatever the **** lame name some guy named Jordan decided to call it to make it sound hip and lung worthy.

So I called all the girls too, told them to wear bikini tops and look good. Called all the fat dudes that could bomb a softball into the 7/11 a few blocks away. Called the wimps that would be on the other team and told them to bring extra big bats so they could hit flyballs to second base. About 6 stone ipas into the game I was feeling it, not quite sure what, but it was going good. I'm playing second base and some fat dude named robb, at least thats what everyone called him because he was pushing maximum density comes rolling into second base. He slides and ends up with his tighty whities pulled all the way up to his kidneys. I heard a scream and thought holy **** is my girlfriend here?

Turn out ol fat robb had slid over a sprinkler head and sliced his ball sack wide open. He whimpered about someone giving him a lift to the hospital which conveniently enough was a block away so he walked.

The End.

Good Times.

:yikes:

It still hurts to this day man, about 20 years later. :yikes:

Dude! Thats not funny at all!

*kicks dirt*

Ok... it is.

I'm not exaggerating when I say I seriously had some sort of lurching physical reaction to reading that.

Think of his story. Ol Robb has got everyone beat with the Mel Gibson scar routine from Lethal Weapon. Oh yeah **** you Mel take a look at my ballsack you bitch. :rofl:

You could of just said "some fat ass sliced his sack open".














































Just kidding. good story

Uncool story, bro.

This isn't so much "haha funny" as "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WTF funny".

Most of the stories I have to tell wouldn't translate as well through words, and you really would have had to be there.

Dean Koontz says:

"You really need to tap into your inner Dean Koontz."

He also says "Dean Koontz Dean Koontz Dean Koontz. Did I mention I'm great? Dean Koontz"

I've got a small story.

One time in high school four friends and I decided to skip school and drink and smoke weed all day. My school, probably like other schools, always calls the parents of people who didn't show up to school to make sure they're not ditching. Most of my friends either didn't care or had parents who didn't care but I had one friend that was paranoid about it and asked another if they could call the call pretending to be his father. The following exchange with the school secretary made me laugh...

Alright I'm going to call them now. I'll just tell them I'm your dad and that you're sick.

Alright just make it convincing.

Phone is ringing...

Wait, what's your dads first name again?

Robin

Okay.

Yes hello this is uhhhh....umm...Eugene Sharp. My son won't be coming in today. Yeah. Eugene. Yes Eugene. Okay then bye. Yeah they didn't buy that.

...

I laughed so damn hard. My friend ended up just telling his dad what happened who actually found it pretty hilarious. The friend who made the call still calls him Eugene whenever he sees him.

^from a couple years back

I used to be show director and Frank N. Furter for a Rocky Horror Picture Show shadowcast. In the RHPS cast circles, we were pretty well-known, and casts traveled from all over (Vegas; NYC; Cincy; Cali; Rhode Island; you name it) to see our show.

I have loads of stories from that time, but one involves a few cast members from another show, and a trip to Camden Park, the only amusement park in the state of WV. (I'm from KY, but my city directly borders both OH and WV; Camden Park is a twenty minute drive from my house.)

Anyway, we decided to have a hotel party, organized by me, the the cast leader. My debit card was all kinds of ****ed up and wouldn't work in an ATM, so I'd withdrawn a fairly significant sum from my bank, and put us all up in ONE ROOM in a Holiday Inn in Huntington, WV. Since I was paying for the room, a simple double room, the 25+ folks who decided to attend (my figured head count would have been around 11 tops) decided to pay their admission with copious amounts of booze.

Now, I wasn't driving at all, so I decided that drinking as much as possible was definitely all right and in my best interest. False.

That evening, there was a 400+ lb drag queen at the party. When I'm drinking, I love everyone, regardless of gender, size, personality defect - you name it. Anyway, I apparently ended up making out with a massive drag queen, before passing out on one of the two beds. I'm glad that I passed out early, because that meant I got a bed.

Anyway. I'd snagged a bottle of Cuervo, deemed it as my own, and wouldn't let anyone else touch it, even though I was way too drunk to drink anymore. I set it on the night stand, and have been told that I would wake up every twenty minutes, like clockwork, take a swig of Cuervo, and then fall back, hitting my head on the headboard. This continued until there was no more tequila, and I decided to stay awake with the rest of the party.

The gigantic tranny had vomited all over the tile portion of the floor, near the bathroom, and another close friend ended up stepping in it. He'd been asleep in the same bed as me, got up, and my best friend said, "No, Tom, don't walk there, it's---"

To which Tom cut him off and was all, "**** you, dude, I don't care. I have a headache, and..." promptly stepping in copious amounts of tranny vomit. He decided he needed to take a shower at this point. Roughly five minutes later, I finally realized I had to vomit.

I rolled off of the bed to the floor, crawling towards the bathroom. I would later be told that my vagina was accumulating plastic cups which had been discarded on the floor, as though it was some sort of plastic magnet. Anyway, I reached for the bathroom door, hoping to God that Tom had left it unlocked, but alas, no. I vomited right outside the door.

When Tom got out of the shower, after cleansing himself of tranny vomit, he promptly slipped and fell in my vomit, just outside of the door.

An hour or so later, we left for our trip to Camden Park. I was too drunk still to appreciate the experience, and the fact that roughly 90% of the Park's rides involve spinning in some way-shape-or-form was not good to me. After riding The Scrambler, we decided to ride The Log Flume. I almost vomited three times in line.

I DID vomit as we were coming down the final hill in our log. The water splash which ensued cleansed our bodies, but the log itself was definitely unfit for later park patrons.

That was also the day the Big Dipper was on fire (wooden coaster; one of the oldest in the country. No, I don't know why or how it had any manner of fire.) And we all rode it. ACE (American Coaster Enthusiasts) were there that day, and they were all, "Nah, we'll wait 'til later to ride." My drunken Rocky friends and I were all, "**** yes, the Big Dipper is on fire! Let's ride this ****!"

It was actually kind of frightening. There was a dude trying to put the fire out as we rode with a cup of water. One would think it wouldn't be very effective, but that coaster is still there today.

EDIT: This is the coaster in question. That second drop, and the bit after the tunnel causes one to completely leave their seats. I'm not sure how no one has ever flown out of this particular 'coaster and died.



No inversions, no real banked curves or anything, but it's hella fun. I've ridden some of the top coasters in the US of A, and this is still high on my list of favorites.