Having a dirty ****ing head?

Turn off your phone?

It's called an alarm clock. They can be dirt cheap and loud as ****. I wouldn't trust a phone to wake my zombie ass up in the morning.

Your "SO" also doesn't like you.

Nah, it's not dirty at all. Most shampoos contain sulphates which strip your hair of natural hydrating oils and dries your hair scalp out, so to make up for it they coat your hair in parabens which traps and coats all the grease and bacteria. I wash with water and do weekly deep conditioning treatments and have perfected my routine, which is why my hair looks so good all the time.

Scratch your scalp.

I don't need to, it's never itchy

No, I want to know what you find under your fingernail. I will not believe that washing with water cleans anything.