A Prose Skyrim Playthrough: The Continuing Adventures of Dikheth J'urkfaze
 

Hear ye! Hear ye! Gather round as your illustrious OP plunges yet again into the grim, frostbitten forests of Skyrim, land of Nords and possibly even a dragon or two! And never was there a host more worthy to bring our tale to life than Dikheth J'urkfaze, dark elf conjurer of extraordinary adequacy and thief of everything not charmed to the floor. See him brave the depths of Dwemer ruins in search of fabulous treasure, marvel as he toboggans down troll-infested mountains on the backs of his lifeless comrades, cheer to his cries of desperate triumph while desperately dog paddling from a school of ravenous slaughterfish. Also something about a human war he cares not a wit for but I'm sure it won't matter.

Yes, dear reader, all this and more coming to a thread near you. Namely this one.

Oh my god yes

ftfy

+1

Yes. Let's play vids with drunken commentary!

Rise and shine gamers, let's get this bread

Not in the cards unfortunately.

Here I am on some Azura forsaken ox cart in the middle of frostbite land, shackled like an animal with a gaggle o' paper-faced monkeys who haven't bathed since five minutes after the priest pulled em out o' their mums' nethers and slapped em on the arse. I swear I don't know what I did to piss the Legion off but those wankers called me a thief anyhow and shipped me off with some Sven rebels who think they can take on the bleedin' Tamriel Empire. Good luck with that, mate. The gagged one is supposed to be a lord or summink what killed the High King o' Skyrim and started the whole war. Ulfric Stormcloak. Looks a right twat.

Some boring cunt tries making conversation with everyone in the cart but everyone averts their eyes cause he's such a pompous slag whinging on about Nord pride and by Boethiah this is one long cart ride.

"Is this buggy gonna stop anytime soon? I gotta piss!"

"Shut up back there!"

"Sod off, monkey!"

The soldiers kicked me a bit after that and we were back on our way. We pulled up to some backwater crapsack of a town called Helgen soon after and were shoved off the cart. A Legion prick with pen and paper asked me my name.

"Your mum."

He jotted that down like a daft prick.

"Another refugee? The gods truly have abandoned your people, dark elf."

Cunt.

"Captain, what should we do? Your mum's not on the list."

A sharp one he is.

"Forget the list, he goes to the block."

Block?

"I'm sorry. We'll make sure your remains are returned to Morrowind."

What are you gonna do with the remains of me bollocks down ya throat?

"Follow the captain, prisoner."

I don't like where this is going. Hey, who's that bloke with the hood and the axe? Don't like this one bit.

Some Grand Marshall cock sucker name of Tullius is talkin' like this Ulfric guy deflowered the Emperor's daughter and now one o' them rebel blokes is getin' marched right down to the headsman. Blimey I think they're gonna cut his bloody head off.

Yep. Bad luck, mate.

"Dark elf, step forward."

Bugger.

I guess you'd think this was the end for poor ol' Dikheth. Well you'd be wrong. Cause no sooner had I laid my pretty head down on that block then out of the sky should drop a bloomin' dragon. Yeah, that kinda dragon.

Well I'll see you cunts in a little while. Bit of a situation here.

So this dragon, right? Who even thought they were a thing? Here I am about to get chopped and right out of the sky comes this winged gecko that scares the piss out of, well, everyone. Except me of course.

"Hey, dark elf. Get up! Come on, the gods won't give us another chance!"

Don't gotta tell me twice, mate.

Get to the fuckin' tower, move, up the stairs, mind the dragon! Its head through a wall, burned me bum, but all good, now out the hole in the wall, into the burned out house, put out me britches, through the door, shove the kid out of me way. And there's the dragon again like a hemorrhoid. Duck the fire!

"You saved that boy!"

Yeah sure I did.

Run for the alley. Bollocks. Dragon. Flames. Shame about the bloke. Run again.

Through another building, out the building, buncha dumb twats trying to shoot arrows and magic at the dragon, fair play, out into the courtyard, duck and cover dragon overhead, and...

Hey, it's that long-winded Sven cunt. I'll go with him into the fort cause he wasn't trying to cut me head off.

Phew. Well that was a thing. Talk to you later, twats. I gotta catch me breath.

I've been trying to get him to do this again for a while.