Ki: Schizo
 

I've been wanting to make a journal like this for some time, and the only thing that was keeping me from doing this was coming up with a title. So now that that's out of the way, it's time to make a journal based on something that has been a part of my life for a number of years. First off:

This journal will be to document my experiences and things of that nature. I do apologize if none of this makes any sense, or if it looks like i'm bullshitting. Believe what you want.

A few months ago I remember sitting in my friends living room staring at the walls for a long time. It wasn't because I was zoning out, but it was more because I was staring into the eyes of someone who was staring back. I had asked my friend who was sitting there at the time if she saw the face on the wall as I pointed to it, she said no. At this time however I already had fully accepted the fact that I do see things that aren't actually there. A few minutes later, the face was missing, I couldn't find it anywhere. I kept looking around for it, as if I had some sort of connection to it. I was left staring at the wall in the same area where the face showed up a few minutes before, and then the walls starting getting bigger and bigger. Took me about an hour to return to reality and realize that it was just my mind playing tricks on me.

I remember when I was a kid, I used to wake up in the middle of the night, screaming and in tears. I was being closed in my human figures on my left and right sides. I used to hide in the corner of my room, because everything was closing in on me. I was always leaving the bedroom to head downstairs to get to my parents bedroom, but going through the dark hallway to their bedroom was far too terrifying. The whole house would hear me sobbing because of what I was seeing. My throat used to get tighter and tighter. I also remember big round figures that would just get bigger and bigger that would add to the feeling of suffocating.

That all sounds terrifying. If I was to guess I would have said you were maybe suffering from early claustrophobia (as things seemed to be closing in on you, feeling of being crushed?) --- does this still go on, did you grow out of it? Does/did your family/anyone know, and was any help sought?

A couple times a week. I've come to accept it for what it is.

Refer to the answer to your first question

My whole family knows.

I went to a therapist for a couple days, and was prescribed with anti anxiety medication. I left therapy because I didn't like it. And I quit the medication because it was making things worse.

Last night, me and a friend of mine were getting ready to head out for a night of fun. When I suddenly just...stopped. I sat on the bed just sitting there, as she was getting ready to head out. She came over to me a couple times asking if I wanted to go out, obviously I knew I wanted to, but for some reason, I couldn't think. Nothing was allowing me to come to a decision. There was a voice in my head telling me to just sit there and do nothing. So I did. My anxiety level went up a bit so I couldn't fight it without going crazy, so I took the easy route and just listened to what I was hearing, even if the voices weren't there to begin with.

I'm constantly pushed into a state of anxiety where the voice inside my head does more of the talking than I actually do.

I wake up some mornings, tired, sore.

Just last night, while I was in a state of sleep, I was active, very...active. The sorts of activities are kept quiet, mostly for the fact that my only source of knowledge is from the person sleeping next to me, even then, I can't seem to remember being awake. I am told that around 1am last night, I woke up, started leaning up out of bed, and after more activity, I was pulled back down to be put back to sleep.

It's scary that the only memory I have of this, is not my own memory.