The Return of the Kings of Metal: Part V continued...

` ` `"Well, whatever the fuck is going on," I declared, "Now we know who the enemy is, and now it's time to properly wreck Tipper Gore's shit!"

` ` `"That-"

` ` `"Yeah, yeah, we know, Kerry," I interrupted, "Tipper Gore is indeed a bitch." Turning to the oracles I inquired, "Great ones, where can we find this poseur skank?"

` ` `"First you must go east across the Desert of Nephren-ka and come to the Mountains of Madness," replied Al Cisneros, "Beyond is the haunted Dunwich Forest, which you must cross to reach the city of Innsmouth. From there you must travel by boat to the forbidden island of Thergothon. It is there that you shall find R'lyeh, the false metal tower of the poseur sorceress. It is there that your journey shall end."

` ` `"Wait, wait, wait!" cried Joey, "Mountains of Madness? Dunwich Forest? Forbidden island of Thergothon? R'lyeh?! Just how much can you rip off Lovecraft? Whoever named these places sounds like a fucking moron."

` ` `"Shut up, Joey," I said.

` ` `Turning my attention back to the oracles I addressed them, "Dudes, we can't thank you enough for your help, and I promise that we will never forget Metaliana. Now we have to go kick some fucking poseur ass. Peace out."

` ` `But as we turned to depart, Chris Hakius leveled his finger at me, "Never has there been a True Metalhead the likes of those that once walked the streets of Kadath. But within you is reborn the spirit of the king. Within you resides the most powerful affinity for True Metal that has walked the Earth for millenia. The First sees this and ever is his eye upon you. One day, there shall be a reckoning, and you and he shall meet again on the field of battle to decide the fate of True Metal, and this time one of you shall perish forever."

` ` `And then the oracles spoke no more.

` ` `With many questions left unanswered, we had little choice but to turn around and go back from whence we came. We passed again the gilded doors, we passed the wall carvings whose scenes now seemed as tragic as they had once seemed grand, we passed the great statues still weakly glimmering with the Light of True Metal, all the while longing to see them ablaze with Light as they had been thousands of years ago, and finally we came to the staircase, which we had left less than an hour ago, though it felt like an eternity.

` ` `"Je-sus," remarked Joey while we were ascending the staircase, "What a mind job."

` ` `"Indeed," replied Oscar sadly, "Never had I dreamed that such magnificence had ever existed. Or that it could be turned into such nightmare."

` ` `"No, I mean that this douche could be some kinda True Metal chosen one," he quipped, jerking his thumb at me, "Dude can't even stand up to his psycho bitch wife."

` ` `"Shut up, Joey," I snapped, "And if you wanna start sucking my dick from the back then be my guest. Otherwise I'm willing to put up with my psycho bitch wife."

` ` `"You should not speak so of your lady wife," scolded Oscar, "A Truer Metalhead you shall never find. Her devotion rivals even your own, my friend."

` ` `"Yeah," said Kerry, "Remember when she broke that dude's jaw in the pit at that Autopsy show?"

` ` `"Hey, that was me!" yelled Joey.

` ` `"I know," chortled Kerry, "That shit was awesome!"

` ` `Joey silently fumed as we all pointed and laughed at him.

` ` `We were still chuckling as we reached the top of the staircase and emerged into the pre-dawn light of the desert. "It appears that we have been away for longer than we had believed," observed Oscar.

` ` `"It appears so," I replied, "Fuck me, I was hoping to get a few hours shut eye and maybe rub one out before we had to leave." At the very least I could finally have a cigarette, but before I could grab for my pack, Joey, as always, had something to say...

` ` `"Uh...dude?" asked Joey.

` ` `"Yeah?"

` ` `"We have to get to the Mountains of Madness, right?"

` ` `"Yeah."

` ` `"And to get there we have to get across the desert, right?"

` ` `"Yeah."

` ` `"And the desert's still filled with sandworms, right?"

` ` `"...Yeah."

` ` `"So we're still just as fucked as before, right?"

` ` `"...Fuck me."

` ` `Then, seemingly from every direction at once, erupted a woman's wild, scornful laughter, "What fools these brainless apes be! Defeated by annelids! It seems that that the only things that True Metalheads are good for are growing unfortunate facial hair and mating with overweight women in need of father figures."

` ` `The insults had hit rather close to home, but that bitch didn't need to know that.

` ` `"Hey!" retorted Kerry, "My beard is fortunate as hell! Do you have any idea just how many fine ass bitches would love to sit on my chine?"

` ` `Frantically we scoured the area in every direction for the source of the voice, but it seemed to be coming from out of thin air. "Show yourself!" challenged Oscar, "You are brave enough to hurl insults while hiding like a rat! Let us see if you have the mettle to do so to our faces!"

` ` `"As you wish, ape," replied the voice with contempt, "But if you'll forgive me, I have more pressing matters to deal with than conversing with cretins, so we'll have to do this by...Skype."

` ` `No sooner had her smug tittering died when suddenly the desert in front of the rocky outcropping where we stood erupted into a rapidly intensifying maelstrom of sand. Wailing, gale-force winds buffeted us mercilessly with dust and grit, forcing us to desperately throw our arms over our faces in a vain attempt to protect ourselves.

` ` `"You sure told her, Oscar!" cried Joey over the shrieking winds, "Way to bring the hammer down!"

` ` `"Be silent, Joseph!"

` ` `Soon the sandstorm died down, leaving only a thin sandspout no wider than a man swirling in front of us. And floating in the middle was a crude face fashioned out of sand that sneered at us in amused scorn. "Is this more to your satisfaction, my sweet little troglodytes?" mocked the voice, "Please forgive the dramatics, but I'm sure that any True Metalhead of the Highest Caliber should be used to a face full of powder."

` ` `"Damn fucking right, bitch!" I countered, spitting out a mouthful of dirt and wiping sand from my eyes, "I'm guessing you're Tipper fucking Gore?"

` ` `"I see you have been hearing tales from Braindead Fred and Piss-Test Dread Ned," replied the sorceress in amusement, "I am indeed she, and I am indeed the one who has raised the poseur army, and I am indeed the one who shall soon grind your pathetic little kingdom into the dust, and I would like to know what you intend to do about it," she finished with a contemptuous smirk.

` ` `"Well, first and foremost I think we're gonna kill the fuck outta you", I casually retorted, "And then it'll be time to do away your bitchass master. After that I imagine I'll be needing a blow job and a pizza."

` ` `The sorceress hooted with laughter, "'Do away'?! With the First?! Have you been dropped on your head one too many times crowd surfing? Even the greatest, or at least the least pathetic of your kind, couldn't 'do away' with my master. Do you really think that trash such as you stand a chance?"

` ` `"Hey! One man's trash is another man's treasure!" Joey shot back, "And we're gonna fucking bury you!"

` ` `"Um, Joey..." I said, looking at him in puzzlement, "I'm pretty sure it's the treasure that gets buried."

` ` `"Man, why're you siding with her?"

` ` `"Why are you so stupid?"

` ` `"Shut up!"

` ` `"Fuck off!"

` ` `Snorting in derision, Tipper Gore declared, "Well, I'm certainly shaking in my boots now. But I certainly wouldn't want to see such 'determination' end up in the gullet of a sandworm, so I'm going to be magnanimous and give you all a 'helping hand'."

` ` `"The fuck are you talking about, you old whore?" I asked suspiciously.

` ` `"I'm going to give you...a lift," she replied with a chuckle, "I believe you are headed to the Mountains of Madness, correct? I'm such a wonderful person that I'm going to help you cross the desert."

` ` `And suddenly the sandstorm returned with even greater violence than before, surging wildly around us, but this time we were in the center of the maelstrom.

` ` `Cackling with demented glee, Tipper Gore called to us over the keening winds, "Don't worry, my little alcoholic chimps! You're in good hands, so to speak! Is there anything that you would like to say before we part?"

` ` `"Yeah!" I retorted, arms thrown over my face, "Tell your husband I like to take thirty-minute showers and leave the lights on even if I'm not in the room!"

` ` `Her burst of scornful laughter was drowned out as the winds began to intensify even further. I tried to find my companions in the tempest of sand, but I could barely even walk through the ever-strengthening gusts. Soon I was nearly unable to stand when a furious burst of wind hurled me into the air, but rather than hit the ground I was swept up into the vortex and tossed about like a ragdoll, rising higher and higher into the air.
` ` `I quickly became disoriented as I was being violently flung to and fro in the storm, and the contents of my stomach were emptied into the sand. Slowly I began to lose consciousness as all of the blood in my body shot to my brain, and the last thing I remembered before everything went black were the gales of cackling laughter of Tipper Gore.

Gotta ask you, how much time do you take in choosing the music for these stories? As most of the time the song choices are spot on and go with what's being written. There is an interesting mix of extreme metals on this thread and really dig that Nile song.

Usually it's actually pretty easy. For the last two I obviously needed something "epic" and preferably ambientish. Skepticism was an obvious choice, and Om just happened to fit perfectly and be relevant. The Nile one was slightly a pain in the ass though, since I knew that only Nile would do, but I'm also not that up on Nile, so I had to do some searching. It is a great song though.

Ok now hurry up and write the next chapter for us.

Shut thy face! I needed a week to recharge my batteries, but it's mostly done and should be up sometime next week.

The Return of the Kings of Metal: Part VI

` ` `I awoke to the musical warbling of a myriad of birds, the sweet smell of fresh and rotting vegetation, and the feel of warm sunlight caressing my closed eyelids. Blinking against the glare, I opened my eyes and saw that I was staring up at a crystal blue sky through a veil of pine branches. The extreme heat and cold of the desert had been replaced by an invigorating chill. I slowly sat up with a groan at my stiff, aching muscles, and surveyed my surroundings: I appeared to be laying on a blanket of dirt, grass, and pine needles on the gentle slope of a thickly-wooded hillside, though the screen of trees blocking out much of the view made it hard to be sure.

` ` `Alas, there were no slutty farmgirls in sight.

` ` `Laying about me, unconscious, were my companions, Oscar and Kerry. And Joey. Unfortunately. Quickly, I roused them, shaking Oscar and Kerry, and throwing dirt at Joey until he awoke, thrashing and cursing my name.

` ` `"Where the fuck are we?" asked Joey, standing up groggily, and spitting out a mouthful of dirt.

` ` `"If I was to hazard a guess," replied Oscar, "I would say that Tipper Gore has dropped us into the Mountains of Madness as she promised."

` ` `"Why the fuck would she do that?" demanded Kerry in puzzlement, "She's a fucking poseur."

` ` `"Cause she doesn't give a fuck about us," I declared, "She wanted us to know that we are beneath her notice by putting us in her power and not destroying us. Tipper Whore is playing games with us."

` ` `"That bitch!"

` ` `"So what are we gonna do now?" inquired Joey.

` ` `"We proceed as planned," I replied.

` ` `"But isn't that, I don't know, kinda fucking retarded? If she knows we're coming, then isn't just going straight toward her gonna lead us into a deathtrap?"

` ` `"I'm with Joey," murmured Kerry, "There's no sense in just walking straight down the dragon's throat."

` ` `Smirking, I remarked to Kerry, "First the sandworms, and now some fucking witch? Don't tell me you're losing your nerve, you pussy."

` ` `With a glower, Kerry growled, "There's nothing wrong with being...cautious, when fucking with some shit. Shit that can eat a building and shit that can suck you into a fucking tornado count. I'm just saying, why not come up with a new plan?"

` ` `"Cause we don't have time for a new plan," I sighed, "We don't even have enough time for this 'plan' now that we've lost our horses. We don't even have enough fucking time to hang around here sucking each other's dicks, so let's make sure we have all our supplies and get the fuck out of here."

` ` `Joey and Kerry traded uncertain looks, but they still moved to check their baggage. "How the hell do we even have any supplies?" asked Joey, "Our horses must have run off with most of them, the river should have washed away or ruined the rest, and if by some miracle something had actually survived, then it should've been used up when we were in the desert for Dio knows how long."

` ` `"Shut up, Joey," I snapped.

` ` `"Don't tell me to shut up, you crusty old tampon! If I can keep making all this self-deprecating, fourth wall humor, then what does that say about this whole 'plan'? If we can't even figure out how to make provisions believable then how the hell are we gonna take down a sorceress? 'Don't have time' my ass! That just sounds like we're so concerned with making dumb metal jokes we can't even be bothered to come up with a plan better than, 'Alright, see this spot on the map labeled "Point A"? We'll use this as our starting point, and then make our way more or less in a straight line until we reach our objective, which shall henceforth be referred to as "Point B".'"

` ` `"Joey, shut the fuck up. You're fucking with forces best left unfucked with."

` ` `"Oh, what's gonna happen?" he taunted, throwing up his hands in mock horror, "Am I gonna meet an untimely death set to a Manowar song?"

` ` `Glaring daggers at Joey, I balled up my fists and stepped forward, intent on beating his ass into next payday, when Oscar stepped between us, holding up his hands to keep us apart, "Please, my friends," he soothed, "We have already had enough strife between us in the last two days. We must not fight amongst ourselves."

` ` `"He's right," remarked Joey, "This whole scene seems suspiciously familiar. Perhaps even a bit, I don't know...rehashed? Next, you'll be threatening me with some cheesy Anthrax reference."

` ` `Expressionless, my voice the whisper of steel, I lightly grasped Gram's hilt, "Shut up. I don't wanna hear your mouth. I am the law here, and if you wanna stay among the living then don't tell me how to do my job."

` ` `"Wow...I'm speechless."

` ` `This is over. Now hurry the fuck up and get your shit together," turning away from him, I addressed everyone, "We move out in five."

` ` `Dissent quieted for the moment, we set off to the top of the hill to survey the land around us. The summit was much less densely wooded than the slopes, and so when we reached it we were afforded a relatively unobstructed view. To the west were the sands of Nephren-Ka from whence we had come, now distant. Where it ended began the foothills of the Mountains of Madness; wooded, rolling mounds of earth that grew higher and steeper the farther east they crept. And immediately to the east, starting at the foot of the large hill where we stood, rose the towering heights of the Mountains of Madness. Shrouded in mist, and capped with snow and ice, they were an imposing obstacle made of jagged rock and unscalable cliffs that promised at the least great hardship...and possibly death.

` ` `Shading his eyes against the glare of the afternoon sun reflecting off of the snow cap of the nearest mountain, which towered menacingly over us, Oscar proclaimed, "Behold the Mountains of Madness. Their nearness to Nephren-Ka means that no trade routes exist through their few passes, so their primordial wilderness is largely unexplored and untamed. The dwarves, in ages past, once mined for gold in their reaches, but the veins have long since dried up, and the mountains have since swallowed up any trace of civilization. It is said that now they are infested with goblins...and worse. I suspect that our crossing shall be perilous."

` ` `"Dwarves? In Poland?" asked Joey, perplexed, "Or is this Belarus? Or maybe Ukraine? Nah, I'm pretty sure we're too far north to be in Ukraine. Still, I don't remember hearing about dwarves in any of those places. Maybe in Latvia..."

` ` `"Anyway," I growled, glaring sidelong at Joey, who pretended not to notice, "I don't see any passes around here, which means we're gonna have to scale that big motherfucker," I said, gazing up at the mountain, "There's no way I want to start going up that bitch in the dark, but we've lost too much daylight already today, so I wanna get as far as we can in whatever light we have left."

` ` `We made camp at the base of the hill, between it and the mountain, which we had dubbed "The Great Tit" in honor of Kerry's favorite songbird. Our sleep after Tipper Gore's "help" had evidently not been particularly restful, because we fell fast asleep almost immediately after a supper that was rather meager since our supplies were now apparently running low. At dawn, we awoke and quickly resumed our journey.
` ` `Our ascent began easily enough; the wooded lower slopes were pathless, but the undergrowth was relatively light, and the incline gentle. We made swift progress for the first hour or so, but soon, great stone crags began to block our path, forcing us to make long detours. As we climbed ever higher, the terrain became more and more rugged and steep, until it was all that we could do to make any headway through the maze of rocks. Eventually, we stumbled onto a cliff that rose almost straight upwards, soaring high above our heads, and blocking our path completely. Fearing that we would be forced to double back, we conducted a quick search of the surrounding area, and discovered a narrow shelf of rock that ran along the cliff on the left side, and abruptly dropped straight down into open space on the right, plunging hundreds of feet before terminating in a boulder-strewn ravine in-between this and another cliff. With no other choice, we cautiously stepped out onto the narrow ledge, our eyes averted from the dizzying drop to our right.
` ` `The shelf was even more treacherous than it had first appeared; it was barely five feet wide, and while we were able to walk without pressing ourselves against the sheer cliff face, strong, howling winds pulled at our clothes, and the uneven ground, which was weak and crumbling in places, meant that we had to be constantly aware of where we placed our feet.

` ` `"God damn it!" exclaimed Joey, about ten feet in front of me, "Why can't this be the Plains of Madness? There's always gotta some fucking desert or a mountain or a haunted forest. And what's with this cliff? This just seems like an obvious plot device for someone or something to fall or almost fall."

` ` `With an exasperated sigh, I rolled my eyes and reached into the left front breast pocket of my jean jacket for my cigarettes...but they weren't there. Nor were they in the right pocket, or the pockets of my jeans. In growing panic, I frantically searched every inch of my clothing, but they were nowhere to be found. "Where the fuck are my cigarettes?!" I raged.

` ` `"Oh, I think I have them," I heard from in front of me. Snapping my head up, I saw Joey holding up a beautifully sensual, red and white pack of Marlboro Red 100 cigarettes, and looking slightly unnerved by the feverish glint in my eyes. "You, uh...let me have them a little while ago when I asked you for a smoke. I...I guess I just forgot to hand them back. Sorry."

` ` `Give them to me," I growled, "Now."

` ` `"Um...sure," and then he made to toss them over to me.

` ` `"NO, DON'T!"

` ` `But it was too late. He lightly tossed them with an underhand throw, and, as if in slow motion, they ever-so-slowly sailed through the air towards me. I held out my hands to catch them, but just as they reached the top of their arc, a sudden gust of wind caught the cigarettes...and blew them out over the edge of the rocks. I watched in horror as they plummeted down and down, until they disappeared from my sight hundreds of feet below. I slowly craned my neck upwards, and fixed my eyes on Joey, gaping at him in shock and disbelief.

` ` `He was now looking downright alarmed under my blank stare, and offered up a weak smile.

` ` `"Oops?"

` ` `"Oops?" then set off a chain reaction, starting with my full return to the planet Earth, and ending with my hands forming into claws intent upon seizing Joey by the neck and hurling him off the side of the cliff, so that my ears might drink in the sound of his screams before they were abruptly cut off as his body was pulped against the rocks below.
` ` `But I was brought up short by Oscar, who, anticipating my reaction, had rushed up from behind me and was now restraining me as I kicked and spit, trying to escape, "Get the fuck off me! He must die for what he's done! They were innocent!"

` ` `"Please calm down, my friend!" pleaded Oscar, "This is neither the time nor the place for this. You will only kill the both of you!"

` ` `"I don't care! He dies!"

` ` `"Joseph!" cried Oscar, "Perhaps you should continue on and scout ahead while I attempt to calm him."

` ` `With a frightened nod of his head, Joey turned around without another word and scurried off down the path, occasionally casting fearful looks back over his shoulder, until he rounded a bend in the cliff and disappeared.

` ` `When he had scampered out of sight, my blinding rage deflated and I slumped in Oscar's grasp, sighing in resignation, "You can let me go now. Now the only thing I want is a smoke."

` ` `"Well," Kerry piped up from behind us, "I got one out of your pack from Joey earlier, and I was saving it, but it looks like you need it more than I do."

` ` `"Bless you," I breathed, in profound gratitude, as I accepted the cigarette from Kerry with trembling fingers after Oscar had released me. Holding it up, I passed it under my nose and inhaled the scent of rancid chocolate in ecstasy. Putting it reverently up to my lips, I raised my lighter to the tip and savored the moment of anticipation, before finally lighting the end and inhaling a hot cloud of pure joy into my lovingly charred lungs. I closed my eyes in rapture and held the smoke in for several long seconds, finally exhaling through my nose.

` ` `Is there anything more beautiful than a softly billowing cloud of cigarette smoke as it wafts through the crisp mountain air of a cloudless, blue day? No, there isn't.

` ` `Perhaps you were a tad...hard on Joseph," ventured Oscar, when I had returned to myself.

` ` `"Fuck that," I grumbled, "Dude dropped my last pack of smokes. My last pack! I've teabagged men for less. It's always something with that asshole. He always finds a new way to piss me the fuck off."

` ` `"He can certainly be...vexing," admitted Oscar, "But as with a younger brother, your ire shall soon pass. I only ask that you refrain from murder until then."

` ` `"I make no promises," I stated, "Well, we've wasted enough time on this bullshit. It's time we got this show back on the road."

` ` `Nodding, Kerry and Oscar followed me as we continued on our way. After nearly an hour, the ledge began to rise and widen, eventually reaching the top of the cliff, where there was a relatively level meadow full of dry, brown, waist-high grass, and numerous large, granite boulders. About fifty yards ahead, the meadow became a stand of trees that rose steeply before seeming to pass around the side of the mountain and come out on the other side. It seemed that we had finally reached the home stretch.

` ` `Until the next mountain.

` ` `In our relief, we almost failed to see the winged form lazily soaring high above our heads, obscured by the bright rays of the sun.

` ` `Shading his eyes, Kerry pointed up at the dark shape gliding in a circle over us, "Hey, what the fuck is that?"

` ` `"It appears to be a vulture," observed Oscar, squinting up, "Though its great height makes it difficult to be certain."

` ` `"Then that must be one big motherfucking vulture," I declared, putting my hand to Gram's hilt.

` ` `As we gazed up in trepidation, the flying creature slowly began to descend in wide circles, drawing closer and closer with every loop. Soon we were finally able to make out details; it was far larger than any vulture, and seemed to be at least forty feet long; rather than feathers, it was covered in a layer of dark green scales that glittered like emeralds in the sun; the pale green wings were like those of a massive bat, and fluttered in the wind like the sails of a ship; it had no front legs, but its powerful back legs ended in cruel talons that could easily pluck a man into the air in the blink of an eye; it ended in a wicked tail that was held stiffly out behind it, guiding its descent; and its head, at the end of a long, sinuous neck, was the triangular shape of a reptile, with rows of sword-like teeth in its mouth, and was topped with several six-foot long horns.




` ` `"That's a fucking wyvern," I murmured, eyes wide in shock, as it turned toward us and folded its wings against its long, scaly body, before abruptly plummeting through the air toward us like a comet.

` ` `"Run, you dumb cunts!" I screamed, sprinting for the nearest boulder, quickly followed by Kerry and Oscar.

` ` `At the last possible second, the wyvern spread its leathery wings with a snap as they caught air, bringing it out of its dive to glide through the air toward us. It then opened its jaws with a great intake of air and unleashed a torrent of flame down upon us as we cowered behind the rocks, raking the ground in a long line as it soared over our heads. The blast of burning wind that buffeted us at its passing only served to fan the searing blaze that was now consuming the desiccated grass like a tinderbox, blowing noxious smoke all around us.
` ` `Its strafing run complete, the wyvern let loose a bestial shriek of triumph that reverberated off the walls of mountains stone, before banking right and disappearing around an outcropping of rock.

` ` `"Sweet, merciful fuck!" I exclaimed, coughing and gasping for air in the choking fumes, "Is everybody okay?"

` ` `Oscar nodded, struggling for breath, and Kerry, putting out several embers that had nearly set his beard on fire, called out, "Fuck yeah! Finally something I can actually fight!"

` ` `"Good idea, Kerry!" I replied, "How about I lure the wyvern to the ground with several cutting remarks about its mother, and then you hit it in the head with an ax? It's brilliant!"

` ` `"Then what the fuck do you think we should do?" he growled.

The Return of the Kings of Metal: Part VI continued...

` ` `I quickly surveyed the area around us; we had reached the boulder just in time to escape the flames, but the bone-dry grass around us was swiftly becoming an inferno that was surrounding us and blocking my sight.

` ` `I quickly surveyed the area around us; we had reached the boulder just in time to escape the flames, but the bone-dry grass around us was swiftly becoming an inferno that was surrounding us and blocking my sight.

` ` `"There!" I proclaimed, pointing toward the trees, "The trees don't look nearly as dry as the grass."

` ` `"And hopefully we can find Joseph and put his bow to good use against the wyvern," interjected Oscar.

` ` `"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

` ` `"Man," mused Kerry, looking at me, "We get attacked by some monster, and then you point to some place we gotta run to? Joey was right. This is some rehashed crap."

` ` `"Shut up, Kerry."

` ` `"What?"

` ` `"Uh...nothing. Let's get outta here."

` ` `Wasting no time, we hurtled through the brittle grass, desperately trying to keep ahead of the flames licking at our heels. The conflagration was spreading like...well, wildfire, but the Light of True Metal imbued our legs with a fleetness of foot that kept us just ahead of them. It wasn't long before the line of trees began looming over us. But just as we thought that we were home free, from above came an ear-splitting shriek.
` ` `I snapped my head up to the sky only to see the wyvern dropping from the sky directly above my head, unfurling its wings and with razor-sharp talons extended, stretching out towards me. I had just enough time to raise Gram in defense, before the beast was upon me.
` ` `A claw like iron seized my torso in a vice-like grip, and in an instant, I had been snatched from the ground and carried off into the air. My arms were crushed against my sides and unable to move an inch, but I still managed to keep hold of my sword. I frantically kicked my legs, but the wyvern's other talon clamped down on them, and I was completely unable to move.
` ` `The creature seemed content to hold me motionless, and made no other attempt to harm me, but I had no idea where we were headed; I could just crane my head around to see in front of us, but all there was to see was sky and stone and trees, otherwise I was reduced to gazing at the jagged terrain under my face flying past me. I tried to shout several cutting remarks about the wyvern's mother, but my voice was lost in the frigid, biting wind, and soon my teeth were too busy chattering for me to say much of anything.
` ` `All of a sudden, the wyvern was rocked by an impact and let out an angry screech, but no matter how I turned my head, I couldn't make out what had happened. The beast soon recovered though, and continued flying on, but now it was gliding downwards, and started making slow spirals just as it had before it had attacked. Eventually, I saw that it was drifting down to a high, isolated spire of rock jutting up from between two mountains that towered over it. The very top of the spire was relatively flat and quite broad, over a hundred feet in diameter. Our lazy spin kept me slightly disoriented, so I wasn't able to discern any other details.
` ` `Without warning, the claws holding me retracted, and suddenly I was falling headlong toward the ground at an alarming speed. I gave a startled cry and was barely able to bring my arms up to cover my face before I hit the stone floor of the spire with a bone-jarring thud. Groaning, I rolled onto my back just in time to see and object drop right on top of me.
` ` `Wasting no time, we hurtled through the brittle grass, desperately trying to keep ahead of the flames licking at our heels. The conflagration was spreading like...well, wildfire, but the Light of True Metal imbued our legs with a fleetness of foot that kept us just ahead of them. It wasn't long before the line of trees began looming over us. But just as we thought that we were home free, from above came an ear-splitting shriek.
` ` `I snapped my head up to the sky only to see the wyvern dropping from the sky directly above my head, unfurling its wings and with razor-sharp talons extended, stretching out towards me. I had just enough time to raise Gram in defense, before the beast was upon me.
` ` `A claw like iron seized my torso in a vice-like grip, and in an instant, I had been snatched from the ground and carried off into the air. My arms were crushed against my sides and unable to move an inch, but I still managed to keep hold of my sword. I frantically kicked my legs, but the wyvern's other talon clamped down on them, and I was completely unable to move.
` ` `The creature seemed content to hold me motionless, and made no other attempt to harm me, but I had no idea where we were headed. I could just crane my head around to see in front of us, but all there was to see was sky and stone and trees, otherwise I was reduced to gazing at the jagged terrain under my face flying past me. I tried to shout several cutting remarks about the wyvern's mother, but my voice was lost in the frigid, biting wind, and soon my teeth were too busy chattering for me to say much of anything.
` ` `All of a sudden, the wyvern was rocked by an impact and let out an angry screech, but no matter how I turned my head, I couldn't make out what had happened. The beast soon recovered though, and continued flying on, but now it was gliding downwards, and started making slow spirals just as it had before it had attacked. Eventually I saw that the wyvern was drifting down to a high, isolated spire of rock jutting up from between two mountains that towered over it. The very top of the spire was relatively flat and quite broad, over a hundred feet in diameter. Our lazy spin kept me slightly disoriented, so I wasn't able to discern any other details.
` ` `Without warning, the claws holding me retracted, and suddenly I was falling headlong toward the ground at an alarming speed. I gave a startled cry and was barely able to bring my arms up to cover my face before I hit the stone floor of the spire with a bone-jarring thud. Groaning, I rolled onto my back just in time to see an object drop right on top of me.
` ` `The force of the fall, the impact of the unknown something, and its full weight now crushing my chest left me agonizingly gasping for air as I desperately struggled to disentangle myself from whatever had just crashed on top of me and was now frantically thrashing about. Finally, with one great heave, I managed to shove it off, and then roll to my feet, Gram held at the ready, and was met by the point of an arrow.

` ` `"Joey?!" I cried in astonishment, "What the fuck are you doing here?"

` ` `"Well, I was just strolling along, minding my own business," he quipped, lowering his bow, "When I just happened to see below me a wyvern carrying what appeared to be some bitchfit-throwing twat I knew, so I figured I'd jump off a cliff and hitch a ride."

` ` `I didn't know whether to punch him or hug him, so I settled for punching him.

` ` `"Ow! What the fuck's wrong with you?!" he cried, "You know, one of these days, I'm gonna shove a chill pill so far up your ass, happiness and joy are gonna kick your teeth out!"

` ` `Before I could reply, an ear-piercing shriek and a powerful gust of wind announced the return of the wyvern. We both snapped our heads around to see it beating its massive, leathery wings to brake for a landing on the edge of the platform of rock. Once it had settled to the ground, the dragon-like creature simply squatted on its haunches and stared at us expectantly.

` ` `"Uh..." murmured Joey, while keeping his eyes on the motionless reptile, "So, is that thing gonna eat us or what?"

` ` `"Do I look like I know anything about dragons?"

` ` `"Dude, wyverns aren't dragons."

` ` `"Who gives a shit?"

` ` `"The wyvern, I assume."

` ` `And then, from behind us came a sound halfway between a chirp and a croak, followed closely by several more just like it. Spinning around, weapons at the ready, we were confronted by what appeared to be three juvenile wyverns. Far smaller than the parent, they still towered head and shoulders above us. Their wings weren't fully developed and were kept folded at their sides, but their hind legs were perfectly formed and powerful. They gazed at us inquisitively, and bobbed their heads as if nervous.

` ` `"Oh," muttered Joey, "So those things are gonna eat us. It's always nice to take an active role in the molding of today's youth."

` ` `"I don't know what you're talking about," I retorted, "I've always thought kids were better at the bottom of a mass grave."

` ` `Our attention was brought back to the juvenile wyverns as they seemed to gather up their courage and begin stalking toward us, heads down, tails held straight out, with empty, reptilian eyes that stared intently at us with quiet menace. One leisurely prowled straight toward us, all traces of fear gone in the instinct of the hunt, while the other two circled around to our right and left.

` ` `"Joey," I whispered insistently, "I'll deal with these dudes, you keep mom at bay. I imagine she's gonna be pretty ticked off when I start disemboweling her kids."

` ` `Joey nodded and turned around, and I returned my full attention to the three creatures in front of me. Now within ten feet, the lead juvenile released a low growl and tensed, readying to pounce.
` ` `Taking a deep breath, I lunged forward with the speed of a panther. The wyvern, inexperienced hunter that it was, jerked back in surprise with a startled grunt. I gave it no time to recover however, lashing out with a lightning-quick strike that sheered off the top of its skull between its jaws, sending the top half spinning through the air in a shower of blood and brain matter as the wyvern's corpse collapsed to the ground in a heap.
` ` `The feral snarl to my left was my only warning of the dead creature's sibling as it attacked. Spinning around, I barely managed to bring up my sword and plunge it straight through the raging beast's throat, severing its spine, before it slammed into me like a freight train. It was killed instantly, but the force of its rush sent me crashing to the ground, where I was pinned by its hulking weight.
` ` `Sensing the imminent kill, the remaining juvenile charged with a savage shriek and dove at my helpless form with its slavering jaws agape. But so frenzied was the beast's bloodlust that it missed me entirely and sank its fangs into its sibling's neck instead. It was either unaware or uncaring, for it viciously shook its head back and forth, snarling all the while, and tore a hunk of flesh free with a wet rip.
` ` `As it gnawed at its prize I managed to roll the carcass off of me and retrieve my sword. But no sooner had I grasped the hilt, than I was struck from the side by the creature's whip-like tail, sending me sprawling to the ground. I labored to draw in breath through the stabbing pain in my battered lungs as I barely managed to stumble to my feet, Gram held weakly out in front of me.
` ` `The wyvern choked down the last of its sibling's flesh and casually leered at me, completely fearless and at ease. It sensed my weakness and, foolish youngster that it was, believed me to be easy prey. But it wasn't wholly wrong: the beast's vicious blow had shattered several of my ribs, making breathing a torment, so I was as weak as any True Metalhead of the Highest Caliber such as myself was likely to be. With a triumphant snarl, the beast reared back on its hind legs and launched itself through the air toward me with its legs extended forward, claws ready to tear flesh from bone.
` ` `Summoning my last reserves of strength, I pivoted on the ball of my left foot, turning aside just before the creature ripped through the space I had stood only a moment ago. I struck like a viper, and sank Gram into its armored flank, stabbing through the thin membrane of its unformed wing, and piercing its thick scales with a sickening crunch. Metal sliced through skin and scraped against bone, before passing through internal organs like a hot knife through butter. The wyvern shrieked in shock and pain, and then sailed past me, tearing Gram from my hands as it went, to strike the ground in a heap.
` ` `Now laying on its side, with Gram protruding from its chest straight into the air, the wounded juvenile screamed in anguish and frenziedly thrashed about and snapped at the air in its panic. As swiftly as my injured body would allow, I rushed forward and seized Gram's hilt. I then planted my left foot on the wyvern's flank and pulled the sword out with a wet, sucking sound.

` ` `And then I plunged it back into the creature's chest. And again. And again. And again. And again, and again, and again, and again, and again.

` ` `The flurry of frantic stabbing tore into the beast's belly, and ripped a wide gash from which spilled a squirming mass of shredded viscera, flooding the air with the stench of bile and shit. With a hysterical scream of pure agony, the creature violently convulsed and sent me reeling, causing me to slip on its entrails. I crashed to the ground on my back, sending pain lancing through my body, and my sword clattered to the rocks beside me.
` ` `With a wince, I managed to sit up and watch as the baby wyvern died. Its throes were beginning to weaken, and its shrieks had become pained, keening cries of terror. At the last, it struggled to raise its head, searching around with eyes already glazing over, and gave a long, pitiful, mewling cry for its mother. Then, as if falling asleep, it became quiet and slowly lay down its head. With one last twitch and a rattling breath, it was dead.

` ` `My victory was short-lived however, for as its last child died, from the mother wyvern burst forth an ear-shattering roar of pure grief and hate. As I fought its young, I'd forgotten about the monster, and now I brought my head around in shock to find it glaring death down on me from the edge of the spire, only being kept at bay by a steady barrage of joey's arrows. But the beast was now maddened with rage and thundered forward, screaming it's revenge and taking no notice of Joey whatsoever. In my condition I would have been able to put up no resistance, and would surely have been devoured, but for a lucky arrow that pierced the wyvern's right eye. Violently shaking its head, it howled in pain and fury before turning around and hurling itself off of the edge of the spire. It dropped only a short distance and then unfurled its great wings and rose high into the sky.

` ` `Using Gram as a cane, I somehow managed to climb to my feet and stagger over to Joey, who was watching the wyvern as it rose into the air above us in swooping arcs. "Nice shot, fuck twat," I quipped, wincing at the pain in my chest as I spoke, "This is the most useful you've been since the first chapter."

` ` `"Hey, fuck you," he shot back, "I found that doorway in chapter five didn't I?"

` ` `"I'd mock you some more, but I'd rather waste the last of my breath on a cigarette. Oh wait, I don't have any cigarettes!"

` ` `"Sweet, merciful Dio! That shit again? I think we have more pressing concerns at the moment. Such as being consumed alive."

` ` `"Dude, you don't have to worry about that."

` ` `"Why not?"

` ` `"She breathes fire."

` ` `"Oh. That's actually kind of comforting."

` ` `"Don't be such a woman. Just shoot the fucking thing down already."

` ` `"Are you on jenkem? How the fuck am I gonna shoot a fucking wyvern out of the sky in the two and a half seconds we're gonna have when that thing decides to dive down and roast us like Jews?"

` ` `"How do you think, ass face? The Light of True Metal.

` ` `"Oh. I don't have to do the whole 'chanty-trancy" thing do I?"

` ` `"Yes."

` ` `"God damn it. That shit's totally dorky."

` ` `"I will stab you in the face."

` ` `But we were interrupted from our tête-à-tête by a great roar, as the wyvern neared the top of its climb and prepared for its descent.

` ` `"Alright, alright. Chanty-trancy coming up."

` ` `And then Joey nocked an arrow onto his bow and raised it high into the sky, before closing his eyes. His lips began to form inaudible words that somehow made the air reverberate with silent, thunderous power. He began to shimmer, and even in the bright sunlight, a faint luminescence could be seen radiating from his motionless form.
` ` `I was musing about what bitchin' song he could have been reciting, when my attention was torn back to the sky by another shriek as the wyvern furled its wings yet again, and plummeted through the air toward us like a bolt of lightning. Farther and farther it fell, gaining speed and drawing nearer and nearer in its reckless dive, until I was sure that it would reach us before Joey could be ready to fire.
` ` `Suddenly, no more than fifty feet above us, the wyvern unfurled its wings like some loathsome flower, and brought itself out of its mad dive. With a malignant expression of triumph on its scaly face, it spread wide its gaping maw and sent forth a roaring column of flame whose intense heat made the very air above our heads seem to melt.

` ` `"JOEY!!!" I screamed, "NOW WOULD BE GOOD!!!"

` ` `But just as we were about to be consumed by the inferno, I felt the Light of True Metal flowing from Joey swell, and his eyes snapped open. Without hesitating he let loose his arrow and it streaked through the air as a bolt of pure Light, shooting straight for the wyvern.
` ` `When the shining arrow met the wall of falling flame, it passed through unharmed, dispersing the blaze into a cascading shower of glowing embers as it raced along the burning column. Before our very eyes, the bolt pierced through the jaws of the beast and we were blinded by an incandescent burst of pure Light, followed by the deafening crack of a powerful explosion that almost hurled us to the ground.
` ` `We had thrown our arms over our faces to protect our eyes from the Light, and after several seconds of standing, dazed, we lowered them and gazed up at the sky in wonder...

` ` `The wyvern was gone. In its place was a rain of ash and sparks that swirled and fell around us, coating the rocks like snow.

` ` `"I love the smell of burning wyvern in the morning," declared Joey, "It smells like...burning wyvern."

` ` `"Shut up, Joey." But this was said with tolerance rather than withering contempt.

` ` `"Who knew I had it in me?" he asked, as if he hadn't heard me.

` ` `"Dude, you might be the most annoying dipshit I've ever met, and sometimes you make me wanna wrap my fingers around your scrawny little chicken-neck and beat your head against a wall till your head cracks open like an egg."

` ` `"...But?"

` ` `"But what?"

` ` `"But you were gonna say something else?"

` ` `"No."

` ` `"Asshole."

` ` `Sigh.

` ` `"But you're still one of the Truest Metalheads alive. Happy?"

` ` `"I'm slightly less offended."

` ` `"Get bent."

` ` `"Alright, I'm a little bit more offended now."

` ` `"Dude, don't mess around and get half a peace sign."

` ` `"How 'bout we drop it? I rule, you love me, now why don't we find a way off this rock already?"

` ` `Looking around I couldn't see any particularly good way off the spire. "Looks like we're boned. I guess we're just gonna have to start climbing."

` ` `"Oh. Goody. Well, no time like the past I guess."

` ` `And so, we started walking toward the edge of the spire to begin the long climb down.

` ` `"You know," remarked Joey, "With all that fourth-wall shit-talking I was doing, and the whole almost-getting-burned-alive thing, I was starting to think I was about to get written out of the story."

` ` `With that, Joey tripped on a rock and fell face first into the ground.

` ` `"Ow! My tooth!"

` ` `Turning toward your computer screen, I lock onto your eyes with a burning stare and declare...

**** it's going to take me ages to read all this ****, this is getting more like the Wheel of Time everyday.

Be careful what you wish for, bitch.

You really are the master when it comes to these witty games:laughing:

Just out of curiosity, how long does it actually take people to read these things? I wouldn't know as after I've slaved over and edited these things for days on end I have no desire to ever look at them again.

The Return of the Kings of Metal: Part VII

` ` `The climb down from the stone spire after the battle with the wyvern was long and arduous, but afterwards Joey and I quickly reunited with Kerry and Oscar, and we all resumed our journey to find the poseur sorceress Tipper Gore. For over a week we trekked through the untamed wilderness of the Mountains of Madness; traversing over jagged mountains and raging, white rivers; down into lush valleys to roam through trackless, primordial forests that had not felt the presence of humans in centuries, where we were hunted by wolf and bear and mountain lion.
` ` `Even the weather itself seemed intent upon our destruction. For the first four days, a cold, drenching rain had fallen without respite that soaked what remained of our provisions, not to mention our clothes and our bedding. In the mountains, the torrential downpour caused mudslides that almost buried us on numerous occasions. In the valleys, the ground became flooded, forcing us to take long detours around temporary lakes while slogging through ankle and even knee-deep mud. By day five, the rain turned to sleet with then became blinding snow. The mud and water froze, but so did our supplies, and now we trudged through ever rising snow drifts that threatened to turn us to ice as we slept.

` ` `It fucking sucked.

` ` `But mercifully, come dawn on our eighth day in the mountains, we awoke to a clear blue sky with not a cloud in sight. The temperature was still well below freezing, and a blanket of waist-deep snow lay over the ground, but our spirits soared at the relative change in our fortunes. The fresh rabbit that Joey had caught also helped.
` ` `After we had eaten breakfast and beaten the ice crystals from our clothes, we broke camp and continued on our way through a heavily-forested valley on the western edge of the mountains. The woods were nearly impenetrable, and our progress was slow, but the cover of the trees had given some protection from the blizzard, so the drifts barely came up to our knees.

` ` `"So he was all like 'Fuck you, you midget-dragon son of a bitch!' Wahah! Stab! Stab, stab, stab!" exclaimed Joey, waving around an imaginary sword as we hiked through the trees, "'I'm gonna fuck your shit up, and your bitchass mom too!'"

` ` `It could have been worse. This was only the second time today that he had related the events of a week ago. So far...

` ` `"But then the momma wyvern flew all up in the air and was about to fry us and shit, but I was all like, 'Step aside, dude. I got this,' and then I was all chanty-trancy, and then...whapow! And then, BIZZANG!!! Shit was awesome. You guys shoulda been there."

` ` `"I feel as I had been, Joseph," replied Oscar dryly, while Kerry consoled himself by longingly fingering his ax.

` ` `"Joey," I snapped, "If you tell that god damn story one more fucking time, I'm gonna tie you to a tree, wrap your dick in beef jerky, and leave you to the wolves."

` ` `"Dude, don't be such a buzzkill. You're just mad cause you got all fucked up and I had to save you from certain death. It's okay, man. I'm sure you'll do better next time."

` ` `Sigh.

` ` `Time for a cigarette.

` ` `As I exhaled a white cloud of smoke, I was reminded of the bane of every smoker in winter: you can never be sure when you've breathed out all the smoke.

` ` `"Hey, where'd you get that?" asked Kerry, "I thought Joey threw your last pack over a cliff."

` ` `"I have my ways."

` ` `"And what happened to your broken ribs?" asked Joey, "I thought you were all fucked up."

` ` `"A few broken ribs are insignificant next to the power of True Metal."

` ` `"My friends," interjected Oscar, "I am loathe to spoil the mood, but I believe that there is something that you should all see."

` ` `Oscar had stopped, and was now pointing into the trees to our right. Following the direction of his finger we all peered into the thick undergrowth. Soon, we noticed that the snow not ten yards away had been disturbed as if by the passage of some large animal. But even from here we could tell that the tracks hadn't been left by any animal.

` ` `"What the fuck?" muttered Kerry.

` ` `Approaching the tracks, we saw that whatever had left them had walked on two legs, and had been wearing heavy boots. In the dense trees, it was impossible to tell where they had come from or where they had gone, but since the snow had continued to fall until the early hours of the morning, the pristine tracks could have been no more than a few hours old.

` ` `"There aren't any people in the Mountains of Madness, right, Oscar?" I queried.

` ` `"Correct."

` ` `"So...goblins?"

` ` `"It would stand to reason."

` ` `"Fuck yeah, goblins!" bellowed Kerry, "I've been itchin' for some proper asskicking ever since Danzig!"

` ` `"Would you shut up, you dumb fucking oaf?" I ground out, "These could've been left ten minutes ago. He and his butt-fugly friends could be twenty feet away and we'd never know in these fucking trees. For all we know they're tracking us right the fuck now."

` ` `"I fucking hope so!" he exclaimed, barely any quieter than before, "Don't tell me you're scared of some pussyass goblins."

` ` `"No I'm not scared of goblins, but that doesn't mean we need to invite trouble. Why don't you use that empty specimen cup you call a head for once. No talking from here on out. Everyone keep your eyes peeled, and for the love of Dio, Kerry, if you're gonna fart, do it quietly."

` ` `"I make no promises."

` ` `"Hey," interjected Joey, "Doesn't that mean you should put your cigarette out?"

` ` `I glared daggers at Joey.

` ` `"Well, doesn't it?"

` ` `Still glowering at him with loathing, I flicked my cigarette into the snow, and we continued on our way.

` ` `With our hands on our weapons, and our heads on swivels, we silently and cautiously crept through the forest. The only sounds we heard were the chirping of birds, and the only living thing we saw was a rabbit that bolted from a bush right next to Joey's feet that sent him sprawling to the ground in startlement.
` ` `After walking for much of the day, we came upon a small, but deep and swiftly-flowing river flowing north to south across our path. Unable to ford it without risking hypothermia or being swept away by the strong current, we followed the river downstream to the south, searching for a way across.
` ` `As we traveled along the snow-covered west bank of the river, we began to see more of the same tracks that we had seen in the woods. More ominous still, the further south we went, the more the tracks increased in number. It was impossible to be tell, but we were sure that they had been made by more than one individual. Many more.
` ` `We were about to turn back and try our chances to the north, when we caught sight of a tall tree that had fallen across the river, making a crude but functional bridge.

` ` `"We should approach with caution, my friends," warned Oscar, "We are not the only ones to use this bridge. See how the snow teems with goblin tracks at the base of the tree."

` ` `"Duh," mocked Joey, "We have eyes. So if there are so many fucking goblins in these here woods, maybe it would be a good idea to turn around and find another way to cross."

` ` `"And maybe it would be a good idea for you to clean the shit outta your diaper, you fucking pussy," sneered Kerry, "I say fuck the goblins. I'm hungry, and the sooner we get over that bridge, the sooner we get to eat."

` ` `"Unfortunately, Kerry's right...sort of," I said, gazing at the quickly setting sun, already touching the horizon, "We need to make camp soon, and I'd like to get across the river and as far away from those tracks as possible before it gets dark."

` ` `So, with weapons drawn, we approached the foot of the great tree trunk, alert for even the slightest hint of danger, but still we saw and heard nothing. Yet there seemed to be a hush over the entire forest, like the calm before the storm.

` ` `"Dudes," said Joey nervously, "Does anybody else notice that the birds have stopped singing?"

` ` `"Aye," replied Oscar tensely, sweeping his eyes over the trees, "The hairs on the back of my neck tell me that we are being watched by unfriendly eyes."

` ` `"Well it's too fucking late now," I declared, "If those assholes want a fight, then there isn't a whole load of fuck we can do about it besides giving them a steel enema. Now, up onto the bridge. I'll take point, followed by Oscar, then Kerry, and Joey has rearguard."

` ` `"Oh. Goody."

` ` `"Shut up, Joey."

` ` `That's bullshit," grumbled Kerry, "Why the fuck can't I take point?"

` ` `"Cause you fart."

` ` `"Fuck you."

` ` `"Alright, fine, if you wanna take point so bad, then you can stay in the back in front of Joey."

` ` `"Oh, hell ye-hey! Fuck you!"

` ` `"If you want, you can take my spot."

` ` `"Shut up, Joey."

` ` `So, one by one, we climbed onto the broad trunk and started to make our way across. The going was treacherous, so we were forced to tread carefully; the tree was sound, but the spray from the river had coated it in a slick layer of ice that threatened to send us tumbling into the freezing current with every step. But that was soon the least of our worries...

` ` `When we were halfway down the makeshift bridge, from the trees on the far bank poured no less than a score of goblins waving crude axes and swords in the air and jeering at us in their uncouth language. From behind, Joey called out a warning, and we turned and saw a like number of goblins on the other side, effectively surrounding us.

` ` `"Well, Kerry," I said, "It looks like you got your wish. Are you fucking happy now?"

` ` `"Pretty much," he replied with a wolfish grin.

` ` `In a harsh, ugly form of English (or should we be speaking German?) one of the goblins on the far, east bank, presumably the leader, called out to us, "What are humans doing in these mountains? This is our land, and you are not welcome here! So fuck off!"

` ` `"We are True Metalheads," I declared, "And we are passing through the Mountains of Madness to find and kill the poseur sorceress Tipper Gore. All we ask is that you let us pass, and we'll be off of your land as soon as we can."

` ` `"'True Metalheads'?" the goblin sneered, "I see your shirts. Morbid Angel? Dio? Iron Maiden? You're nothing by poseur faggots! You come onto our land, spreading your poseur lies, and you think we're just going to let you go? Hah!"

` ` `"Look at their shirts, my friend," murmured Oscar, "Mayhem, Darkthrone, Behexen, Orcustus. These are Trve Kvltists; mindless fanatics who would deny the glory of all but the purest black metal. They consider us enemies as surely as they do the poseurs."

` ` `"Oh, fuck me," I muttered, and to the goblin I shouted, "Dude, come the fuck on with this bullshit, you small-minded turd! Morbid Angel rule and you fucking know it!"

` ` `"Fuck your faggotass death metal, you poseur bitch!" he shot back.

` ` `"I'd rather listen to death metal than some two-bit Darkthrone ripoff, you retard! Behexen fucking suck!"

` ` `"Way to diplomacize, dude."

` ` `"Shut up, Joey."

` ` `"Fuck this shit!" roared the goblin, enraged, "Nobody insults Behexen! Kill them in the name of the Prophet!"

` ` `With savage battle cries, the goblins surged onto the bridge, but they were no more steady on the ice than us, so we had precious seconds with which to act. I rushed forward, the Light of True Metal granting me speed and agility, and aimed a slash at the first goblin in line. It clumsily parried the blow, but in doing so lost its footing, and toppled into the swiftly-flowing river with a cry, taking the next goblin with it. The third hesitated, brandishing its rusty ax uncertainly, so I feinted towards its head, and then cut at its feet, severing its legs at the ankles, sending it into the frigid water shrieking in agony. The remaining goblins fled in terror to the safety of the riverbank, knocking several of their fellows off of the log and into the river in their panic.

` ` `"What'd I say, dude?!" bellowed Kerry, "Pussies! Now let's hurry up and get off this fucking tree so I can kill some of my own!"

` ` `"Hold the fuck on!" I shot back, "I gotta make me a good entrance!"

` ` `And with that I dashed forward and leapt off the edge of the trunk, flying high over the heads of the dumbstruck goblins. Directly before me, the goblin leader gaped at me, a look of shock on its sallow, hideous face, as I buried Gram into its skull, splitting him from crown to navel, before landing in a crouch in front of his toppling corpse.

` ` `"Behexen. Fucking. Suck." I declared, before spitting on the goblin's steaming entrails, "Bitch."

` ` `After that it was the chaos of battle. My reckless leap had dropped me right into the middle of the cluster of goblins, and they quickly recovered their courage in the face of their overwhelming numbers. But though they may have been metalheads, they were still goblins, and Trve Kvlt fools besides, so they were unprepared for the assault of a True Metalhead of the Highest Caliber such as myself.
` ` `They charged in a disorganized mass, aiming clumsy slashes and thrusts that I easily parried and danced away from. From behind, my sword arm was seized in a two-handed grip by a particularly ugly goblin wearing a Horna t-shirt. Its mocking expression turned to surprise when my left fist smashed into its face, spraying me with foul-smelling black blood. It let go of my arm to bring its hands to its shattered nose and teeth, and I swept my freed sword in a horizontal arc that gutted another goblin with its sword held high in the air for an ill-considered two-handed, overhead strike.
` ` `Already spinning away, I readied myself to take the head of a charging goblin, when the top of its skull exploded in a hail of blood, bone, and brains.

` ` `"God damn it, Kerry," I snapped, spitting out grey matter, "That fucker was mine!"

` ` `"If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it, asshole," Kerry shot back with a grin as he shook gore from his mace, "Now this is what the fuck I call a party!"

` ` `"Fuck yeah! Now, less talky, more killy!"

` ` `But it was already over. The goblins that hadn't already been slain were fleeing into the woods in terror, dropping their weapons in their haste to escape.

` ` `"Your little 'stunt' certainly had the desired psychological effect, my friend," observed Oscar, while planting a foot on a dead goblin to wrench his sword from the creature's rib cage, "Foolish though it was."

` ` `"Yeah, whatever, it was all badass and shit, but we got a fucking situation on the other side of the river," interrupted Joey insistently.

` ` `I turned toward the far bank and saw that he had not been idle. Several corpses lay dead, arrows protruding from their throats. Other seemed to be missing, presumably carried off by the river with matching arrow wounds after attempting to cross the bridge. The remaining goblins, numbering around a dozen, cowered behind rickety shields of wood and animal hide, slowly retreating backwards toward the trees while Joey sighted in on them with his bow, a frown of concentration on his face.

` ` `"The fuck are you talking about?" I asked in confusion, "Are you running out of arrows or something?"

` ` `"No," he replied, still hunting for a clear shot, "But I'm pretty sure one of those fuckers has a war horn."

` ` `"Are you certain?" demanded Oscar in alarm, "We can't allow them to call for reinforcements. Goblins are like vermin, and there are certain to be hundreds of them in the vicinity. We could be overrun in minutes!"

` ` `"Thanks for the update, Mr. Cronkite," snapped Joey, "Now you scrotal avengers need to get your asses over there and kill those little SOB's, cause I can't get a clear shot."

` ` `But it was too late.

` ` `From behind one of its shield-bearing cohorts, a goblin raised a bone-white war horn to its lips and blew out a long, deep blast that reverberated off of the surrounding mountains, filling the entire valley with its call to arms.
` ` `We froze in dismay, and waited with baited breath for an answering call while the echoes of the first slowly died away. Almost an entire minute passed with no response. The goblins on the far bank regained some of their confidence when the horn was sounded, and hurled taunts and threats over the water. But as the seconds passed with no reply, their anxiety returned, and the insults trailed off.

` ` `"I guess they're not at home?" ventured Joey nervously.

` ` `"And you girls were scared," said Kerry in poorly-concealed relief, "I told you goblins were pussies."




` ` `I was about to tell them both to shut the fuck up, when from the north came the answering call of another goblin war horn. The way the sound bounced off the walls of the valley made it impossible to be sure, but the call seemed to have come from barely a mile away.
` ` `While we were still recovering from the first, a second, even closer horn echoed it from the south. And then another from back across the river to the west.

` ` `"It's a fucking trap," I exclaimed in frustration, "They've probably been tracking us for days!"

` ` `"What about to the east?" asked Joey, "There weren't any horns from over there."

` ` `"Why would they leave us an out like that?" asked Kerry.

` ` `"Perhaps the cat would like to play with the mice before he devours them," grimly replied Oscar.

` ` `"Well, whatever the fuck, there's no time for anything clever," I stated, "It's time to run. Fast."

` ` `Wasting no more time, we bolted into the trees opposite the river to the east as the last light of the sun started to fail. Under the dense cover of the trees the darkness was almost absolute, and becoming ever more so with each passing second. Unseen branches struck at us from all directions, and the undergrowth grabbed at our legs with every step of our headlong flight. The only things that gave us any sense of direction in the disorienting gloom were the war horns that were constantly blaring from the north, south, and west, herding us into the unknown. Soon, the flickering light of countless torches could be seen approaching through the trees from all around us, and we put every last ounce of speed we could muster into our burning legs.

` ` `And then suddenly, the trees came to an end. In the pitch black night the only light came from the full moon overhead and the rapidly enclosing torches. The increasing light revealed a sheer cliff that towered above us and paralleled the line of trees from north to south, blocking our escape route.

` ` `We were now well and truly trapped.

` ` `"Ah, fuck me," I exclaimed, "Well it looks like your wet dream came true, Kerry. Now we get to fight an entire fucking army of goblins."

` ` `"At least we get to go down like True Metalheads."

` ` `"Hey, here's an idea," cracked Joey, "Why don't you distract them by 'going down like a True Metalhead' and I'll use the confusion to escape to live to mosh another day, huh?"

` ` `"Pussy!"

` ` `"Retard!"

` ` `Before either of them could continue, from out of the trees poured hundreds of screaming goblins brandishing torches, swords, axes, and shields. Laughing and taunting us, they approached to within fifty feet of us and halted, completely encircling us against the cliff face.
` ` `From between their ranks stepped a large goblin, bearing a cloak made from the head and pelt of a wolf. With a mocking expression of triumph it called out to us, "Put down your weapons, you poseur faggots! Come quietly and we may just kill you before we eat you!"

` ` `"You know, I'm getting real fucking sick and tired of being called a poseur by some jackass who doesn't want to admit that De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas is just a ripoff of Sarcafago! Get bent!" I roared.

` ` `"Hey," said Joey, "I kinda like De Mysteriis."

` ` `"Shut up, Joey."

` ` `With an expression of blackest rage, the goblin chieftain bellowed to his warriors, "Take them! But do not kill them! These poseur fags need to be shown some proper goblin hospitality."

` ` `The goblin horde erupted with raucous cheering and savage battle cries of "The Prophet!" before surging forward with weapons held high.

` ` `"Fuck this!" I said, "True Metalheads, with me!"

` ` `Without waiting for a reply, I charged north along the line of the cliff to meet the ranks of the advancing goblins. As one, with swords raised, we collided with the goblins' upraised shields. Our fury and desperation filled us with the Light of True Metal, and our steel cut through their shields like butter, shattered their pitiful weapons, and passed through their foul flesh, showering the battlefield with blood and gore. The goblins despaired at our onslaught and attempted to flee, but were barred by the press of their fellows, and became easy prey for our blades. Freely we slew as their resistance crumbled in the face of True Metal, yet their numbers were endless. Slowly but surely we began to tire, our movements becoming sluggish, and the goblins rallied. But we would not bend. With every last breath in our bodies we fought on, refusing to stop until every last goblin lay dead at our feet.
` ` `In my exhaustion I didn't realize the danger until it was too late. My only warning was a flash of movement before a heavy net was cast over my head, throwing me to the ground. I tried to cut at it, but Gram became hopelessly ensnarled in the ropes, and no matter how much I struggled, the net held fast. Finally, my strength spent, I lay back gasping for breath, and heard from the thrashing beside me that my companions were all likewise ensnared.
` ` `The goblins surrounding me cursed and kicked at me, hooting their derision, until they were shoved aside by their chieftain. With a victorious sneer contorting its loathsome face, it gazed down at me in contempt and gloated, "You filthy, human poseur faggot. Now we will teach you fear. Now we will teach you pain." Turning to his warriors he declared, "Bind them! We will take these scum to the witch, and she will pronounce the judgement of the Prophet!"

Just finished the first part of Part VII and again I forgot to time how long it took to read, but it was a while. As usual it was the same outcome when battling Orcs, Goblins and Trollocs, they have plenty of aggression, but always crap fighters.

Trollocs? They may not be particularly adept, but they're far bigger and stronger than orcs or goblins, so they're still a match for most men.

I'm sure they'd be a match for poseur pussies such as yourself.

:rolleyes: Dude, trollocs don't exist. This thread is only concerned with reality.

What do you mean, of course they exist! Just don't say I told you so, when one of those big hairy brutes tries to climb down your chimney breast.

Rubbish. You've been listening to too much borderlander tall tales.

The Return of the Kings of Metal: Part VIII

` ` `The journey to the goblins' lair after our capture was long and arduous. Our hands were bound behind our backs and we were driven before the whips of our captors as they mocked us and our "poseur faggot metal". For long hours we marched and stumbled through the cold night of the valley in the midst of the Mountains of Madness, exhausted but with heads stoically held high in defiance as True Metalheads. It wasn't until the early, pre-dawn hours of the morning that we finally arrived at the mouth of a great cave carved into the flank of a towering mountain.

` ` `Then the goblin chieftain called a halt to the long column and we were brought forward. Turning to us with its cruel eyes leering from beneath its wolf-head headdress, it spoke to us with mockery, "It's time, True Metalhead poseurs. Now the witch shall proclaim the Prophet's judgement and you will suffer and die for your crimes."

` ` `I gave him a look of bored disdain and said, "I just hope this 'Prophet' fellow's judgement'll be that you have to wash that raccoon on your head. I don't know who gave who the fleas, but you need to get that shit taken care of."

` ` `Its eyes blazed with murder, but after a few moments the goblin turned and walked stiffly toward the cave. But as I moved to follow, it suddenly spun around and delivered a vicious backhand across my face that sent me sprawling to the ground.
` ` `A corner of its mouth twisted into a sneer as it gazed down at me, "Poseur faggots like you should guard their tongues around a Trve Kvltist of the Highest Kaliber such as myself."

` ` `Rolling into a sitting position, I spat blood onto the ground and shot back, "Maybe the Prophet could tell you to hit the gym too. You hit like a bitch."

` ` `Its mouth quivered with rage, but the goblin said simply, "You won't be making jokes for long," and then turned and stalked away.

` ` `The mouth of the cave opened onto a large chamber made of sandy-colored stone. The stalactites on the ceiling dripped with water, but the stalagmites on the floor had been shattered, making the ground relatively clear. The chamber led into a system of natural tunnels ranging from narrow, claustrophobic passages to great, echoing caverns that were dimly lit by the wavering flames of torches set into wall-mounted brackets. Over everything hung the stench of filthy, unwashed bodies, waste, and death, and from everywhere sounded the aural blitzkriegs of Beherit, Emperor, Abruptum, and countless others all vying for dominance.
` ` `Goblins infested every inch of the caves. They stood against the walls as we passed, eyeing us with malice. Some took no notice of us, too busy quarreling with each other over food or other petty squabbles. We quickly lost count of the many bodies that lay ignored by their fellows.
` ` `Many corridors had entrances in the walls leading to "rooms" where goblins wielding a multitude of exotic instruments of torture exacted what must have been their own sadistic forms of punishment on others of their kind for unknown crimes. The floors of these chambers were slick with blood and carpeted with gore and severed body parts. Screams of anguish echoed off the walls, making a cacophony of torment.
` ` `Even more horrible were the rooms filled with hideous, writhing masses of copulating goblins. There was a far greater number of males than females (or at least what passes for goblin females) and so brawls erupted constantly, ending with the victor mating with its prize, often times even on top of the dead or dying body of its rival. But sometimes there was peace, and the males swarmed a single female, taking their pleasure however and where ever they could. It was almost impossible to distinguish the moans of ecstasy from the cries of agony.

` ` `Without drawing attention to himself as we were led down a passageway, Oscar crept up next to me and, while looking straight ahead, whispered, "It appears that you have more in common with these creatures than we thought. Their appetite for debauchery rivals even your own, my friend."

` ` `"You can shut right the fuck up, you tampon. I'm gonna need to get tit-fucked by at least two hookers just to get that image-you know what? No. I don't even wanna think about group sex right now."

` ` `"It is a miracle."

` ` `"Shut up, Oscar."

` ` `We were interrupted by a furtive whisper from Joey directly behind us, "Dudes, what I wanna know is who the fuck are 'the witch' and 'the prophet'? Do you think they're Tipper Gore and the First?"

` ` `"Perhaps," considered Oscar, "Although I am somewhat mystified as to why the sorceress would transport us all the way from the Desert of Nephren-Ka just to have us captured by such lowly thugs."

` ` `"And besides," interjected Kerry, who was now on my other side, "Trve Kvltists would rather remove their own ribs with a rusty butter knife just to they could castrate themselves with their teeth than serve a poseur."

` ` `"Dude, goblins are fucking stupid," I responded, "It wouldn't be that hard to manipulate them with a little magical whim-wham."

` ` `"Shut the fuck up!" bellowed one of our guards, "Poseur faggots only speak when spoken too!"

` ` `"What? My friend was speaking to me."

` ` `A crack of the goblin's whip made me consider that perhaps discretion might be the better part of valor in this case.

` ` `"Pussy."

` ` `Crack!

` ` `I'm a slow learner.

` ` `Soon we were led through a small, unassuming passageway into a cavernous chamber that soared high above our heads. It was even wider than it was lofty and lined with what must have been hundreds of blazing torches that illuminated all but the highest reaches of the stone ceiling. And reaching down, like the fangs of some colossal, savage beast, were long stalactites from which were suspended on dozens of nearly one hundred foot-long chains the severed heads of countless goblins. The chains hung down to within ten feet of the rocky floor, and each sported at least twenty vicious meat hooks. The heads, some fresh, some putrefying, their screams forever frozen on their ugly faces, were impaled on these grisly hooks through the eyes, the mouth, the base of the neck, or where ever their tormentor's whimsy had taken them to. Underneath the ghastly chains formed pools of blood, pus, and other vile fluids better left unidentified. If our senses of smell hadn't already been numb the stench would have left us heaving the contents of our stomachs onto the rocks.
` ` `And gathered inside the immense cavern, under the heads, stood hundreds, thousands of goblins, jeering at us, hurling stones, throwing their heads back to make bestial howls of frenzied bloodlust.

` ` `Taking in the horrific scene with an expression of wide-eyed dismay, Oscar whispered, "This is more than just a single goblin tribe. There are far, far more here than can survive off of the pickings of this one valley. And who knows how far these caves stretch beneath the mountain. Or if there are other hidden enclaves such as this. This...this is an army."

` ` `"I don't know who this 'Prophet' is," I replied, "But he must be one hell of a motherfucker to be able to put all this shit together. Getting goblins to work together is like herding cats."

` ` `Our captors were leading us toward the center of the vast chamber, where, partially obscured through the veil of gently swinging heads and softly clinking chains, was a large boulder that rose almost twenty feet into the air. A wide staircase had been crudely carved into the rock that rose up to a wide, flat top that formed a crude platform from where one would have an unobstructed view of the entirety of the chamber.

` ` `Well, nearly unobstructed. The heads and all.

` ` `Near the base of the boulder, our "escort" halted. Then without warning the goblin guards behind us shoved us to our knees and commanded us to be silent and still. The goblin chieftain stepped forward to within ten feet of the staircase, dropped to one knee, and declared, "Oh, great witch, I have brought you four True Metalhead poseurs. I humbly beseech you to proclaim the judgement of the Prophet on these poseur heretics in the name of Trve Kvlt metal."

` ` `And then from the opposite end of the boulder platform came the scrape of steel-shod boots on stone, and a contingent of ten hulking, heavily-armed and armored goblin warriors with grim, foreboding expressions on their cruel faces rose from what was apparently a corresponding staircase. They marched in two ranks of five, and between them was quite possibly the ugliest creature I had ever seen.
` ` `She was an ancient, shriveled crone of a goblin: her entire body was a twisted knot of gnarled, arthritic limbs and fingers; her back was so hunched that she walked nearly doubled over on her crooked cane; her left leg was lame and she dragged it behind her, giving her an awkward, shambling gait; what remained of her wispy, snow white hair fell in a tangle over a cadaverous face that had had all of the flesh boiled away, leaving nothing but sallow skin, caked in filth and covered in festering lesions, pulled tight over her skull.
` ` `But in her eyes burned a malignant intelligence that had lost none of its vitality over the countless years of her existence. The only clothing that she wore was a foul, tattered rag that had once been a dress, and a necklace that seemed to be made out of finger bones. Her trembling right arm clutched her cane, but her left cradled something against her withered body, as if she were carrying an infant.
` ` `When the crone, the witch surely, and her guards reached the edge of the platform overlooking my companions and I, the twisted old hag gazed down at us with a malevolence so profound that even a True Metalhead of the Highest Caliber such as myself became slightly unnerved. Then she turned to the chieftain, still kneeling, and spoke in a shrill voice, brittle with age...

` ` `"What are these worthless insects? Where did you find them?"

` ` `"Great witch, these poseurs were caught trespassing in our valley, and when we attempted to apprehend them they murdered countless of our Trve Kvlt brothers."

` ` `"You were right to bring them here. However," she croaked, her eyes boring into the chieftain who cringed in fear, "Those shirts defile this sacred place. How dare you bring them into the presence of the Prophet, you witless fool?!"

` ` `In terror the chieftain flung himself to the ground and sniveled and pleaded, "Great witch! Please forgive my failure! I live only to serve the Prophet!"

` ` `"Silence! I shall deal with you later. Perhaps you will learn to think once I have removed a bit of your skin."

` ` `And then she turned back to us...

` ` `"HUMAN FILTH! HOW DARE YOU DESECRATE OUR SANCTUM WITH YOUR POSEUR LIES! YOU WILL SUFFER YOUR YOUR CRIMES! DO YOU HEAR ME?! IN THE NAME OF THE PROPHET YOU WILL SUFFER! AND YOU WILL SUFFER! AND YOU WILL SUFFER! AND THEN YOU SHALL BEG FOR DEATH!!!"

` ` `We were all taken aback by the sheer vehemence of her hateful ranting. Even the rest of the goblins looked shocked.

` ` `The witch was trembling as she regained her composure. Eventually she took a deep breath and spoke in a voice that was calm but filled with no less venom, "In days long past, your kind murdered our people and drove us off of our ancestral lands. You left us to eke out our wretched existence on the edges of the world. You stole our heritage. You stole our future. And now you invade the pitiful little scrap that you have left us with?"
` ` `Her lip curled into a sneer, "But the Prophet has shown his chosen people the truth of Trve Kvlt metal, and he was shown us the heresy of 'True Metal'. Though 'false metal' is closer to the truth. And he has laid bare your kind's unholy union with the Jews that you would hide from the world."

` ` `"The Jews?!" I cried in disbelief, "What the fuck are you on, you crazy old bitch?!"

` ` `I was silenced by a blow from one of my guards.

` ` `"Lies!" shrieked the witch, "The Prophet has shown us everything! You are naught but slaves of the Zionists! You would engulf the world in the filth of Jewish poseurdom! But the Prophet has gathered his people and made of us a great army. By his command we shall sweep down upon the human filth that has contaminated this land with their inferior blood and carry out his blessed will, wiping false metal and Zionism from the face of the Earth. And then we shall take back what is rightfully ours!"

` ` `With a deafening roar, the goblin horde erupted, "DEATH TO ZOG! DEATH TO ZOG! DEATH TO ZOG!"

` ` `Then with a flourish the witch uncurled her left arm from her breast and thrust it out over the edge of the rock, over the heads of the vile gathering. Clutched in her skeletal hand, held up by its hair, was a severed human head.
` ` `Immediately, every goblin in the vast cavern snapped to attention and thrust out their right arms, holding them rigidly before them with the fingers extended in a straight line pointing directly at the witch and her gruesome prize. "ZIEG HEIL!!!" they roared as one, and the massive underground chamber trembled at the power of their ecstatic fury. At the same time, our captors seized us be the backs of our necks and thrust us face first into the ground.

` ` `"Behold!" proclaimed the witch in religious ecstasy, "He who shall be the doom of all inferior races! He who shall be the doom of false metal! He who shall pass judgement upon the Zionist poseur heretics!"

` ` `With my face pressed into the rocks I could see nothing, but I managed to twist my head just enough in the goblin guard's grasp to be able to catch a glimpse of the scene unfolding before me out of the corner of my eyes. The witch was grasping the head by its blond hair with its face gazing outward. This head was nothing like the unfortunate goblins swinging above us: except for its perfectly preserved hair it was completely mummified; it's skin was desiccated and the color of old leather; the face was unmoving, frozen in the silent scream that it had worn at the moment of its death; upon closer inspection the eyes were still miraculously intact, with a pure, icy blue stare that saw nothing; the facial hair showed that the person had evidently been a man. More and more, I felt an unsettling feeling that I had seen the head's owner before...

` ` `Those eyes...that ludicrous goatee...the general air of a viking who's gotten a sensible haircut so he can work in a cubicle farm...

` ` `And then its eyes rolled in their sockets to gaze down at me.

` ` `With a shock of recognition I recoiled in horror, throwing my guard to the ground as I leapt to my feet.

` ` `"Are you fucking shitting me?! Your 'Prophet' is Varg fucking Vikernes's severed head?! What the fuck is this stupid shit?!"

` ` `At my outburst, a low, angry muttering filled the chamber. And on top of the boulder platform the witch trembled with rage...

` ` `"How...how dare you?! How dare you look upon the Prophet?! HOW DARE YOU SPEAK HIS NAME, YOU...YOU UNTERMENSCH?!"

` ` `Suddenly her eyes widened in astonishment and her attention was drawn back to Varg's head.

` ` `In the deathly silence that had fallen over the vast chamber a faint creaking could be heard, almost like the careful movement of a rocking chair. My gaze had never wavered from Varg, so I saw with revulsion that the sound came from his feebly working jaw as the petrified tendons struggled to move.

` ` `Underneath the noise was a faint whisper. Frantically, the witch held the head up to her ear and listened. She remained motionless for long seconds, but eventually she lowered Varg's head and cradled it protectively to her chest. With pure hatred that eclipsed even her former loathing, the witch fixed her burning stare on me, and spoke with quiet rancor...

` ` `"It was you who murdered the Prophet. He gave you his aid to slay the dragon Fafnir. He bestowed upon you the sword which you have wielded against his chosen people. And you repaid his kindness with betrayal. You are truly the most loathsome insect to walk this Earth. If I had my way I would flay the skin from your body inch by agonizing inch and then leave your meat to the rats. But the Prophet has decreed a different fate for you. He is magnanimous, and will give you the chance to fight for your worthless life," and she addressed our guards, "Throw the Zionist poseur into the pit."

You certainly got some inspiration here from when Bilbo and his group were captured by the Goblins in the Hobbit. I pictured the caverns of the Misty Mountains when I was reading this.

Hey, apparently there is a spider named "poecilotheria metallica". Rad.

Could you please start to write this journal again, your Battiness? This is the best one I have ever read.

I doubt it, I last heard he was trapped in the lair of Shelob and was being fattened up in her larder.

It'll happen sometime in the near future. It's always knocking around in my head somewhere on any given day, but I'm just lazy.

I assure you, I need no fattening up. Metal is my blubber.

Hot DAMN Batty! Your view count (which will now change of course after this post) is 11,666! How Black Metal can you get? Praise Santa! :D

Confirmed. This journal anally rapes OH's.

yeah boi!