Bit expensive for me. If you can hook me up with a free link for the ebook/Kindle versions, I won't say no.

It's not hard, you twat. This is pretty much my go-to site.

Electronic library. Download books free. Finding books

I wasn't enquiring about your cock, man. :laughing: Thanks anyway. This should be a big help. :thumb:

I wasn't using it much cause there were legal issues that closed it down, but Libgen seems to be back up, and has an insane amount of books, from fiction to textbooks to comics. It's pretty much god and I'd suggest you bookmark it. It's so good America decided to go after it like Afghanistan, and apparently failed, like Afghanistan.

Library Genesis

Okay, now that looks pretty damn cool. :thumb:

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Can you believe it's been over two years since we checked in on the good doctor? Well, I suppose given that I was absent for most of 2016 it's really only one, but still: definitely time to make another appointment! These episodes will in fact finish season one, even if it is (ahem) somewhat later than I expected to be doing this.

1.21 “Travels with Martin"

Frasier is planning his vacation, a chance to be away from his father and his dog for a week. When he hears how well Roz and her mother are getting on though, he reconsiders and offers Martin the chance to go anywhere with him on holiday. Martin chooses to see America, which is fine with Frasier until he realises his father wants to see it from the window of a Winnebago, a kind of motor home popular in America. Frasier had envisioned staying in five-star hotels, now he will be crammed into a motor home and have to sleep there too. It's not the holiday he had envisioned. He tries to convince Niles to help him by coming along, but his brother is adamant he will not be joining them ... until he hears that Daphne is also going!

Martin has planned to see Mount Rushmore, but Frasier, inspired by Daphne's devil-may-care attitude and “fresh pair of knickers” speech (see below) decides to throw caution to the wind and just drive, and see where they end up.

They end up in Canada.

Which is not good news for Daphne, whose visa only allows her to be in the United States. Moving outside its borders is a violation of her stay and could get her deported. Frasier of course did not do this on purpose; he simply forgot - or was not even aware - about her restrictions. But as they try to re-enter the US, after being told by Martin to act normal, everyone is on edge and the border crossing guard becomes suspicious. To throw him off, Martin “admits” that it's Eddie who's the cause of their unease; that he is afraid the guard will think he is not native to the US . But he shows him a picture of the dog by the Space Needle, “accidentally” also displaying his badge, which gets him a pass when the guard realises he is talking to a retired cop.

The dry wit of Roz
Asked abut his vacation, Frasier tells Roz he is “planning to leave my father and Eddie to fend for themselves while I spend an obscene amount of money on myself.” When he then asks her what she's doing for her holiday, she replies “Oh I'm taking my mother to Ireland, to stay in the sod house where her mother was born.” Frasier archly responds “Why don't you just write the words “bad son” on my forehead?”

A moment later she qualifies: “Oh there is nothing wrong with pampering yourself! After all, you do work three hours a day!”

QUOTES
Frasier: “If dad and I get into a Winnebago only one of us is coming out alive! You've got to come with us!”
Niles: “Frasier, you're my brother, and that entitles you to my bone marrow and one of my kidneys. But this is an imposition!”

Frasier: “I remember a car trip we took when I was nine, from Seattle to Spokane. The only thing he said to me on the trip was 'I think we got a problem with your brother Frasier'!”

Niles: “I am not a Winnebago guy! Whenever I see one I look into the eyes of the driver, hoping to see something that would explain why in God's name anyone would do such a thing. All I ever see is a death stare looking out from under the brim of a hat made out of Miller Light cans!”

Daphne: “You've certainly got this holiday well planned out Mr. Crane! Whenever I take a holiday I just grab a fresh pair of knickers and see where the wind takes me!”

Frasier: “We are on the road less travelled! From now on, we dance to the rhythm of the road!”
(In other words, they're lost!)

Frasier (at the wheel, as they approach the border back into the USA): “They're waving us through! They're waving us through! They're pulling us over ... they're pulling us over...!”

Daphne: “It's too late to turn back. I say we make a run for it.”
Frasier: “Oh great idea! A high speed chase in an eight-ton motor home! That'll make an amusing anecdote for the Border Guard Newsletter!”

FAMILY

We learn in this episode that Martin when younger was always obsessed with covering a certain amount of ground a day when on holidays or road trips. His two children would be in the backseats with sick bags - well, a mayonnaise jar! - and as Niles describes it , two tiny hostages. He says that the fact that their father drove so fast meant they couldn't see anything discernible out of the window. “I was thirteen”, he moans, “before I realised cows weren't blurry!”

Martin confides to Frasier that he can't help it, but every time they're together he can't think of anything to say. It's not hard to understand why: they share no common interests. Martin is all about sports and the guys down at McGinty's, and the television, whereas Frasier is an opera buff who wouldn't be seen dead in a pub and has no real interest in television, preferring instead to read. There must be a sense of regret that Martin has so little in common with either of his sons, which is probably why he takes to Daphne so well, she being more as it were on his level. Of course this doesn't mean he doesn't love his sons, he just must wish they took after him a little more.

1.22 “Author! Author!”

Frasier is pressured into writing a book with Niles about sibling relationships. His publisher thinks that the insight they can gain from both being psychiatrists would make for a great book, and though Frasier is dubious at first he warms to the idea, realising that he can get much of the material from callers to his show. However, as with all siblings the rivalry gets in the way; Frasier and Niles dither over the construction of the book, leading to their sequestering themselves in a hotel for the weekend, with a deadline to meet.

This of course does not work, as the rivalries between the two, never far from the surface, bubble up and they end up having a fight when inspiration deserts them. In the end, they admit that there is no way they're ever going to work together, and abandon the idea for the book.

QUOTES
Niles/Frasier (Singing from their operetta): “For some boys go to college, but we think they're all wussies. Cos they get all the knowledge, and we get all the oopa-doompa-doompa-dommpita...”

Niles: “You know, we have to approach this book from a totally different angle to all our writings, dissertations, theses...”
Frasier: “Yes that's right: this has to be interesting!”

Frasier: “Niles? Is there a lightbulb over my head?”
Niles: “You have an idea?”
Frasier: “No, I'm asking you if there is an actual lightbulb over my head! Of course I have an idea!”

Niles: “So what you're suggesting is that we exploit your listeners for our own financial gain?”
Frasier: “In essence, yes. What do you think?”
Niles: “I think it's borderline sleazy. Let's go for it!”

Niles (on the radio): “Helooo Emerald City! What's doin', what's happenin'?”
Frasier (cutting off mike): “What the hell are you doing?”
Niles: “My radio persona. Every great radio personality has one.”
Frasier: “I don't.”
Niles: “My point exactly.”

Frasier: “Niles, I would shave my head for you.”
Niles: “A gesture that becomes less significant with each passing year.”

And isn't that....?
The editor who asks them to write the book, Sam Tanaka, is played by famous actor Mako.

Thanks for calling
Guest caller Laura is voiced by Christine Lahti, actress famed for her roles in Chicago Hope and Law and Order: SVU.

Cop Stories
Although he later admits to Daphne that he made up the story, Martin's tale of a partner he fell out with after a stakeout is something that could have happened. Having got on each other's nerves during the stakeout Gus, the alleged partner, requested a transfer and Martin was not sorry to see him go. Some months later Gus was stabbed in the line of duty and though Martin rushed to the hospital he was too late. Something eerily similar happens in a later season, showing that perhaps, although this story was concocted, Martin was drawing on personal experience. As he says to Daphne, “At least there's one good writer in this family!”

FAMILY
Niles and Frasier
Nowhere to date have we seen the rivalry between the two brothers displayed as well as when they lock themselves into a hotel for the weekend, trying to write their book, or at least the first few chapters, which Sam Tanaka, their editor, needs for Reader's Digest, which is interested in serialising it. The ideas of each - such as they are - are shot down and scorn is heaped upon one by the other, until eventually all the bottled up tension bursts to the surface like an erupting volcano and the two Crane boys go at it. Niles accuses Frasier of being first at everything - he became a psychiatrist first, got married first, had his own child first - and Frasier, reverting to childhood at the climax of the fight shouts “You stole my mommy!”

Of course, they have both by this point consumed most of the contents of the room's minibar, so there's some excuse for their childish behaviour, but it leads them to the irrevocable conclusion that they cannot work together at all. Mind you, this will be disproved in a later season when they help their father write a song. But on the face of it, two gigantic egos going head to head is not a good recipe for a planned collaboration.

I love, as I have said before, the way this show can reduce two fully grown men back to boys. When neither will make up with the other, Martin steps in, every inch the father, and ensures that they bury the hatchet. They even sulk and grumble like little boys.

1.23 “Frasier Crane's day off”
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New Character!
We are introduced here to Gil Chesterton, restaurant critic and host of “Food Beat”, the show about food and drink on KACL. Chesterton is English, and exhibits all the signs of being a homosexual, though as will be pointed out in later seasons, he is in fact married.

Victim to the flu going around, Frasier awakes unable to go in to work, but is worried about his timeslot being stolen by the predatory Gil Chesterton, who has been sniffing around and is known for taking such action. After one day of having the radio station's food critic to cover for him, and Roz confirming that Chesterton is after his slot, Frasier reluctantly asks Niles to sit in. Although Niles struggles a little at first, and so Frasier thinks his slot is safe, he soon finds his feet and does really well. Feverish, Frasier begins to see plots forming, a plan to take his radio show from him. As his paranoia grows, his behaviour becomes even more erratic.

Eventually it reaches its peak as, pumped up on drugs, he goes down to the station to try to take back his show, much to the surprise and dismay of Niles. Locking himself in the booth he goes on air, makes something of a fool of himself and has to be taken away by security.

QUOTES
Frasier: “I'm sorry; when I told you to close your eyes and visualise yourself on a tropical island, I didn't realise you were calling on your carphone!”

Frasier (to Roz): “How would you like to have to work from midnight to 4AM? What would happen to your social life? Those are your peak hours!”

Daphen (to Frasier): “You can't be thinking of going to work! You're all pasty and clammy and pale!”
Martin: “And coming from an English person, that's bad!”

Niles: “Hello Daphne. Is he in pain?”
Daphne (after having taken a list of things that Frasier wants brought to him): “Not enough.”

Frasier: “Daphne, the day I give a fig about what you think will be the day England produces a great chef, a world class bottle of wine and a car with a decent electrical system!”

Roz (on phone): “Tony? It's Roz. Can you get security up here? Captain Kirk has got control of the bridge and he's gone insane!”

Martin: “Why'd you tell him it was a dream?”
Daphne: “No point telling him now. I'll wait till tomorrow, when he's good and lucid.”

Notable Scenes
Frasier is very much a comedy driven by witty clever dialogue and the old French farce idea, but occasionally there are some really brilliant visual scenes that just need to be noted. Here, Frasier imagines himself back at work, fit as a fiddle. He is over his flu and Gil and Niles are waving from outside the booth. He thanks them for filling in for him, hits the mike button ... and explodes!

Of course, it's all a dream but it's a very vivid depiction of his own drug and fever-induced paranoia, allied to his innate suspicious nature, that everyone is plotting against him and that they would go so far as to put a bomb in his radio booth.

Thanks for calling
A glut of guest callers this episode! First we have the late Mary Tyler Moore, who played Marjorie, the woman with the problem boss, then Tommy Hilfiger voiced Robert, the man a drugged-up Frasier cut off, while what must be the infamous Patty Hearst (credited as Patricia Hearst, and I can find no other famous woman of that name) is the voice behind Janice. Singers Steve and Eydie - Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme - play the couple Niles was trying to reunite, Howard and Lois, then there's Doonesbury creator Garry Trudeau as Louis, the man with the forgotten anniversary who Gil helped out and NFL Quarterback Steve Young as Blake, the man driving blind.

1.24 “My coffee with Niles”

It's been a year since Frasier moved to Seattle from Boston (appropriate, as this is the end of the first season) and Martin is getting antsy. He starts talking about moving out, finding his own place, which again is ironic, as he only moved in with Frasier in the first place because he kept falling and couldn't be left on his own. As Frasier and Niles discuss their lives Frasier suddenly asks Niles if he is in love with Daphne. Niles admits he can't get her out of his mind, but that he's not sure if he's in love with her. Anyway he has no plans to leave his wife, and an affair is out of the question.

Martin comes by after storming out angrily, and when pressed, reveals it was his birthday the previous week and the boys forgot it. To make up for their forgetfulness they promise to take him out to dinner that night. Yeah, that's it.

QUOTES
Niles (on phone): “Now just relax, Maris. Take a left, then a right, then another left ... okay.”
Frasier: “Maris got lost again?”
Niles: “Yes. She wandered into the kitchen. I had to talk her back to the living room.”

Niles: “I don't think she (Roz) likes me!”
Frasier: “Oh it's not a case of like or dislike Niles. She despises you.”
Niles: “Really? Why should I warrant such strong emotions? I barely acknowledge her presence!”
Frasier: “Think you may be on to something there Sherlock!”

The dry wit of Roz
Niles asks Roz what brings her to Cafe Nervosa and she replies “Well I've always wanted to fly a jet, and today they're offering free jet lessons, so I throught I'd stop by and take advantage of their offer.” When Niles looks at her blankly, uncertain if she is joking, she sighs. “I came here for coffee, why else?”

After her attempt at wooing the guy who she believed “could be the one” (again) has fallen through (again) Roz waxes poetic. “Why why why?” she moans. “You meet someone, you hope that maybe you can sit down for a coffee and it might lead to - oh I don't know: a life maybe? Then the trapdoor opens beneath you and you're right back in Roz's world!”

Notes:
Bit of a weak episode to end on I feel. Nothing at the radio station at all, not even the opening scene, so no guest callers. No guest stars either and really, quite short on laughs. Not a whole lot to write about in the end, and if this was a series in danger of cancellation after the first season I would not have considered this a vote for its continued survival. Of course, as we know it went on not only to run for a further nine seasons but to win Emmys and awards all over the place, and become one of America's best-loved comedies. But this episode was really a non-event. Nothing happened in it, and if anything I would have considered it a slow episode following a really good one, Frasier's “Family” following “The best of both worlds”, were this Star Trek. Very weak, very poor. A big disappointment.

Season's End
Final notes on the first season:
As I said in the introduction, I wasn't one of those who transitioned from Cheers to Frasier. I was not a fan of the series in the beginning, though I later watched it and enjoyed it retrospectively, though I had seen enough of it to know that if there was to be a spin-off series I might expect Sam, Diane, even Norm! But not Frasier. He came across to me, in the few episodes I had seen, as a sort of bit character, a supporting player, with not too much in the way of interest. I guess you could say Cheers' Cleveland Brown.

But confounding all my expectations, Frasier began well and pretty much continued in that vein. We got to see a new side of Dr. Frasier Crane, met his family and his friends, and saw him in a totally new arena, that of radio, which really opened up the possibilities. But one thing that ensured this show was a huge success was its supporting cast. Grammar carries the show certainly, but from Niles and his many many little idiosyncasies - his obsessive cleanliness, his allergies, his opera, to say nothing of Maris - to Martin's earthy ordinary joe-ness and Daphne's often kooky take on life, even Eddie the dog played his part. Without all these fine actors and actresses - and one dog - behind him, Frasier might not have been the success it turned out to be.

Rather surprisingly for a first season, there really is no episode here I can turn to and find fault with, or call weaker than others. Apart from, oddly, this last one which as I've noted above was really quite below par, kind of a coda to the season ending, a wrap party aftermath if you will. And yet even for all that, it had its moments, just not too many of them. I think it suffered slightly from not having any radio material in it.

But if we thought season one was good, there was some truly amazing stuff to come as the years went on. As is my habit, I'll be putting this series on hold for a while before launching into season two - a gesture, to paraphrase Niles in the previous episode, that gets less significant with each series I add. When I only had three or four series, closing out the season and not coming back to the series for a few months seemed a reasonable hiatus. Now, with so many series to look after, even when a series is in-season it seems it can be months indeed before I get back to it. So all I can tell you about Frasier is that you definitely won't hear anything more from the Crane family for a while.

Hope you've enjoyed the coverage so far, but for now we've come to the end of season one and it's time to call a temporary halt. As Frasier or Niles would no doubt say, we've come to the end of our session.

For now.

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After five seasons we thought we'd seen it all. 24 had become the series most likely to surprise, shock, dismay. Regular characters were polished off before our eyes, Jack developed a serious drug addiction, leading lady after leading lady fell, a president had been assassinated and even Jack himself was believed dead. What more could the show throw at us?

When season six opened, Jack was after terrorists who had planned to detonate a number of nuclear devices in America. Nothing, in 24 terms, terribly new about that, but whereas despite its gritty realism in storylines, where the good guys did not necessarily always have it their own way, we had become used to the unexpected in this series, nobody was prepared for what happened in episode four when Jack and his team, racing to stop one of the devices going off in Los Angeles ... fail.

As we all watched open-mouthed and I personally at any rate thought “How are they going to stop this?” they, well, didn't. The terrorist reaches over, pushes the detonator and a moment later there is a freeze-frame, white light and Jack, some sort distance away, sees to his horror the unmistakable mushroom cloud rise up over the centre of Valencia, California. Who woulda thought it?

Up till then, as I said, we had initially been amazed and stunned by the twists and unexpected occurrences in this show, but when Jack failed in his mission and the terrorists won (if only temporarily) I think we were all momentarily in a state of shock. Things like that didn't happen on TV, especially not American TV and especially not on the watch of what had by then surely become America's number one action hero.

Of course, the aftermath of the explosion was handled terribly, and the rest of the season quickly descended into farce, pushing the limits of credibility – even for 24 – to breaking point. Instead of the city being evacuated or quarantined, Jack is able to go into the heart of what is a nuclear blast site, no radiation gear or anything, and more or less continue as before. Nobody seems to be, or is shown to be anyway, suffering from radiation sickness, and in general (though it's a while since I saw it), if I recall correctly the explosion is treated “just” as a massive bomb going off, not a nuclear one.

For all that, and for all that the season was as a whole pretty poor, this one totally unexpected moments marks season six as, if nothing else, one of the most shocking and memorable in the entire franchise.

Another first-rate TH graphic.

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Episode title: “Mr. Dingle the Strong”
Series: Classic
Year: 1961
Season: 2
Episode: 19
Written by: Rod Serling

Two men, a bookie and a better, are arguing in a bar. The one does not want to pay his debt, the other wishes to be paid. They involve the timid vacuum cleaner salesman, Luther Dingle, in their dispute, while enter stage left an alien. Well, either two aliens or one alien with two heads. And quite possibly two bodies. Or one shared one. Does it matter? Oh yeah: they're invisible. Of course they are. :rolleyes: They're looking for a subject for experimentation, and they settle, unsurprisingly, on Dingle, shooting him with a ray that increases his strength by a factor of three hundred. The rest of the story takes a tired path through Dingle's rise to fame as the little guy who always gets pushed around becomes the world's strongest man, He is courted by news, TV representatives, boxing managers and carnival owners, all of whom want to sign him up, promising they can help him make big money. Before long he's displaying his amazing feats of strength to all and sundry, including ensuring to take revenge on the big better who beat him up earlier.

Then the aliens return, and decide that they're not happy with how Dingle is using his new powers. They remove the super-strength, just as Dingle tries to lift the entire building. What follows is a personal humiliation for Dingle as he realises that as unexpectedly as he gained his power he has lost it, and his public quickly melts away, convinced that it must have been a trick after all. As the aliens (who are revealed as being from Mars) take their leave they meet another set of creatures (kids with very unconvincing moustaches painted on) who tell them they are from Venus, and are also conducting experiments. They are invited to try their intelligence-enhancement ray on Dingle, and he suddenly becomes the most intelligent man on Earth. Sigh.

Decent quotes

I do like it when Serling describes Dingle as being a man who “missed even the caboose of life's gravy train”. Yeah. That's the only one.

Questions?

Callahan warns the better he has “five seconds to take back that innuendo”, the innuendo in question being “You're a cheating insult to every American bookie!” That's not an innuendo: an innuendo is something hinted at slyly, this is an outright insult.

Why is it that the barman warns Callahan against starting a fight, but when the better punches Dingle clear over the bar he does nothing?

When Dingle becomes most aware of his strength, and in opening the door of the pub wrenches it off its hinges, the barman's reply is a mild “Why you gotta wreck my door?” He doesn't even seem surprised at the guy's sudden strength!

Why do I hate this episode?

Because it's played entirely for laughs, and not very original ones at that. It's almost like a cartoon in ways. It tells us nothing. It's as if someone said to Serling, “We need a lighter episode for the less bright members of the public. Nothing too heavy, no deep messages, just a bit of fun.” And so we get this. I hate that Serling wrote it, so I can't even blame it on anyone else. And what's the point of it? The Twilight Zone nearly always had a message, a moral: what's the message here? Use your gifts wisely? Glory is fleeting? With great power comes great responsibility? I don't know. I don't see one. It's a pointless episode with a few cheap laughs and no resolution at the end. Terrible. It also contains far too much baseball and other sport references for my personal liking.

Saving graces?

None, sadly. I can't point to anything that saves this episode. The aliens are ludicrous, even given the limitations of the period, I question the fact that despite his fame apparently spreading far and wide there is no news crew, certainly no international interest present both when Dingle performs his amazing feats of strength at the pub where he gained his power (and where about eighty percent of the episode takes place) and nobody tries to challenge him, claiming that he is a fake. More, when his powers are taken away and he can no longer perform these miracles, everyone just assumes he was a charlatan. Didn't they see with their own eyes? How did they think he tricked them? Pathetic.

How I would have done it

I would have told the executives to fuck off and written a much better and deeper episode. Easy to say, I know, but by now surely Serling, with four Emmys to his tally, could do as he wanted? Well,. Maybe not. I read that the new network executive on the show was tough on it and wanted to reduce the number of episodes, slash the budget. So maybe it would not have been that easy. Still, you feel he could have written something better than this trash. I know I could.

Quiet, you. You already commented on this when I first used it, or are you too drunk to remember?

I don't see what me being drunk has to do with not remembering.

That's because you're too drunk.

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When I haven't been writing or reading, like most people during lockdown (two now and counting) I've been watching a lot of TV. Most of it was pretty good, so I thought maybe I might try this again and give you a flavour of what I've been watching. These are in no order.

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Gangs of London (crime, thriller, action)

If you want action, you got it. If you want suspense, you got it, if you want violence, oh man you got it. If you want touching romantic scenes and complicated relationships, you don't got it: look elsewhere. Chronicling the lives of a London gang family after the patriarch is killed (Colm Meaney, in his shortest role ever) Gangs of London sets a new bar for ultra-violence but the story very much demands it and is really well written. Renewed for a second season, and I can't wait.

Verdict: 10/10

Public Enemy (Ennemi Public) (Crime, thriller, mystery)

A Belgian production that follows the release of a paedophile from prison, who is taken in by monks, and whose presence in the town is clearly unwelcome. Almost as soon as he arrives kids start turning up dead. Is he up to his old tricks already?

The twists and turns and unexpected ending in this series makes it for me, one of the very best I have ever seen, in any language. Harrowing, unapologetic about its subject matter and bleakly realistic, it should be required viewing, and it's only a pity that, as a subtitled programme, it will not be seen by as many people as it should be. Hopefully nobody though gets it in their head to do an updated, English-language version because I feel it would be very hard indeed to capture the spirit of the original, and any copy would suffer. Try and see it; you won't regret it. Though you might have some trouble sleeping.

Verdict: 10/10

Spiral (Crime, mystery, thriller)

Actually in its seventh season, though I could only get the one, being the seventh, so have probably missed out on a lot of the details of relationships between characters, previous cases etc. An excellent French crime drama which seems to wrap up a long-running story arc, a pity I can't get the rest of it.

Verdict: 9/10

Before We Die (Crime, mystery, thriller)

Exposing police corruption in the Swedish police force, another powerful crime drama with engaging leads. There's a second season I have yet to watch, but I certainly enjoyed the first.

Verdict: 9.5/10

Alex (Crime, mystery, thriller)

I wasn't so impressed by this one; maybe it's that I had watched the two previous series before it and this then fell a little short, but it's still good. Another Swedish offering, about a cop I think on the run. Self-contained but as I say I found it a little disappointing.

Verdict: 7/10
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Thou Shalt Not Kill (Crime, mystery, murder)

A sort of Criminal Minds or FBI-style series, with different stories in each episode but an overall arc running through most of the series. Very impressive.

Verdict: 9/10


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Gomorrah season 4 (Crime, murder)

I'm sure most people by now know or have heard about this Italian crime drama, if not then quickly, it focuses on the rise to power of Genarro Savastano, scion of one of the major crime families in Naples, and his friend Ciro di Marzio, who becomes his mentor. Violent, unapologetic, gripping, it has earned its place in mainstream TV and season 4 is the current with another, final season in the works. There is also a movie, L'Immortale, which chronicles events between season 3 and 4. Highly recommended.

Verdict: 10/10

Hitmen (Comedy)

Mildly amusing series about two, well, hitmen - or I should say hitwomen - trying to carry out their assignments and usually bungling them. Not as funny as it sounds, or as it should have been. Weak, but worth a look.

Verdict: 6/10
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Trust (Drama)

The true story of the godson on John Paul Getty, who arranged his own staged kidnap in 1973, only for it to turn into a real one. Pretty gripping; Donald Sutherland shines, but then you'd expect that. Self-contained.

Verdict: 9/10
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Succession (High finance, drama)

The story of a family (perhaps somewhat modelled on the Trumps) who believe winning is everything, and as they wait for their father to pass on the reins of power a struggle develops within the family as they jockey for position. Sharp, funny, often sad, with plenty of twists; makes you glad sometimes that you aren't rich, if you have to be like these people!

Verdict: 10/10
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Prodigal Son (Crime, murder, mystery)

An interesting premise, where a convicted and jailed serial killer's son must seek his father's aid in solving murders which appear to copy his style. Probably copied from La Mante, a French series, and which was probably better, but definitely this one is enjoyable. New season has been authorised.

Verdict: 9.5/10
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The Outsider (Horror, mystery)

Superb story from Stephen King about a creature who can assume anyone's shape, and thus manages to have people blamed for horrible crimes they have no part in, and even have alibis for. Just stunning. One season, self-contained. Based, of course, on his novels.

Verdict: 10/10

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Castle Rock (Horror)

This, on the other hand, I did not enjoy. I tried really hard to like it, being another Stephen King effort, but I just couldn't get into it. It seemed to wander all over the place and most of the time I was like "huh?" It ended very badly too. I see it was cancelled after two seasons. I would have axed it after the first. Big disappointment.

Verdict: 5/10

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The Plot Against America (Science fiction/dystopian)

When I started watching this I was all but ready to drop it after episode one, which I found very slow and boring. I ended up being so glad I didn't; it turned out to be excellent, riveting viewing. Based on the novel by Philip Roth, it's an alternate view of America in which FDR does not get elected, and Charles Lindberg, as president, turns America into a fascist state that stays out of the war and helps Hitler. Superb.

Verdict: 10/10

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Jeckyll and Hyde (Horror/Fantasy)

Yeah, I don't need to tell anyone what this is about. At the same time, it twists the story a little, introducing MIO, a secret service department that takes care of supernatural threats to the Realm. And it has Richard E Grant in it, how cool is that? I enjoyed it but it was definitely rushed at the end; they must have expected, and been planning for, a second season which they did not get, because the ending almost makes me want to tell you not to bother. You have been warned. But you should still watch it.

Verdict: 8.5/10

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Fort Salem (Supernatural drama)

Originally called Motherland, then Motherland: Fort Salem but marketed at least over here simply as Fort Salem, this innovative series sees witches having been co-opted to the US military to combat supernatural enemies, and fighting against a terrorist group called the Spree. Pretty damn good for what it is. Another season has been commissioned.

Verdict: 9.5/10

The Dust Bowl (Documentary)

Another of the superlative Ken Burns documentaries I've been enjoying - I've seen Vietnam War, Prohibition and World War II, and am working through Country Music - this one chronicling the 1930s natural disaster known as the Dust Bowl, which drove so many farming families from the midwest and nearly wiped out agriculture altogether. Stark.

Verdict: 10/10

The Black Stuff (Play/Drama)

Precursor to the legendary cult series The Boys From the Blackstuff, Alan Bleasdale's gritty drama about working life in Liverpool in Thatcher's Britain. This sets the scene for events before the series, laying down some very important background, although you don't have to have seen it to have enjoyed the series.

Verdict: 9/10
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Downton Abbey (Period Drama)

Who hasn't heard of this? Took me a long time to get into it, but they started showing it on demand and I decided hell with it, I've wanted to start it for a while now so this is my chance. Wish there was more. Superbly acted and really well written. A time long vanished thank god.

Verdict: 10/10

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Star Trek Discovery (Science fiction)

When I saw the first episode of this, I really didn't like it but then some time later I happened to come across I think it was episode five, and was much more impressed, so started going back and then once I'd seen them I continued and was really getting into it when it ended. I have season 2 to watch and I believe it's on season three now, so much to watch.

Verdict: 10/10

The Family (Drama, mystery)

Interesting idea behind this. A kid believed murdered 10 years ago returns to his family, supposedly having escaped his tormentor (believed originally to have been his killer and then released when it's clear you can't be a murderer if your alleged victim walks into his house) but questions hang over his identity. Is it actually him, or is someone playing one hell of a game of cat-and-mouse, and why? Sadly cancelled after one season, so I don't know how it will end, but it's good viewing.

Verdict: 9/10
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Manifest (Science fiction, mystery)

A plane believed missing returns after five years, and suddenly everyone on board seems to have strange powers. After the initial euphoria of their unexpected return, suspicion turns to fear to paranoia. Two seasons so far. Have only watched season one but loved it.

Verdict: 9.5/10
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The Passage (Horror)

Vampire story which seems to infer that they are created as a result of a laboratory-created virus meant to be a cure-all, and the vampires then (anyone?) run amok and try to destroy mankind. Was doing well but a kind of rushed ending, while satisfactory, still left me anyway wishing that they had commissioned a second season. They didn't.

Verdict: 9/10
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Emergence (Science fiction, mystery)

A young girl found among the wreckage of a plane seems to have certain powers, and not be who she seems to be. Shadowy government agencies are after her, and it's up to the smalltown cop who rescued her to protect her. Or is it the other way around? Cancelled after one season, but to be entirely fair, it ended well.

Verdict: 9/10


Vagrant Queen (Science fiction)

The most fun I've had in years. Super hip, funny, tipping a nod and a wink to slacker culture, based on a comic book, and of course destined for cancellation. Worth making sure you don't let the single season pass you by for sure. Should have run and run; we need more sci-fi like this on TV.

Verdict: 10/10

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FBI (Crime)

Apart from having the worst and laziest title I have ever come across, this is of course about an FBI team who do what the FBI do, and its spinoff FBI: Most Wanted is similar, except that they go after, well, the FBI's most wanted. Enjoyable hokum from the makers of Law and Order etc.

Verdict: 8.5/10 (for both)
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Roadkill (Political thriller)

A somewhat tired idea of a politician climbing the greasy ladder and the things he will do to get there. Stars Hugh Laurie. It's all right.

Verdict: 7/10
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Taggart (Crime)
Old eighties show that I used to watch and thought I'd go with it again when they started running it from the first episode. Turned out not to be anywhere near as good as I remembered. Hard-as-nails cop plods the beat in Scotland. Meh.

Verdict: 4/10

Christmas comes but once a year - thankfully, no matter what Roy Wood may wish - and this year it’s going to be tougher than ever, with lockdowns, isolations, fears about Covid and possibly much-reduced family gatherings if any at all. A lot to be sad and worried about, but like every other holiday we’ll make it work. You could do worse than stay here with me, where there is absolutely zero chance of infection, where it’s warm and friendly, and where you’re all always welcome.

Disclaimer: Yeah, I have to say that. The lawyers are worried this year about excessive lawsuits, so even though I hate you all, grumble grumble mutter mutter come on in... if ye must. Don't forget to wipe your feet! I said don't forget to - ah, sod it!

Anyway (ahem)...

So this year, why not leave the virus outside where it belongs and spend
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As part of this special seasonal feature, I want to look into the various excellent animated Christmas specials from three of the shows I feel do them best, and which I'm most familiar with: The Simpsons, American Dad and Family Guy. With stunning originality, I’m going to pick the twelve I feel are best and feature them here in a little thing I like to call
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It’s become something of a tradition on The Simpsons to have a Christmas episode, although unlike the likes of Dr. Who, you can’t be guaranteed one every season. Even so, with thirty seasons and counting that would probably be enough to feature all Simpsons Christmas episodes on their own, but that might be boring, especially to the few among you who may not enjoy the show. Of course, you may not like the other ones either, but at least you have a better chance of seeing something here you may be interested in if there’s a wider spread of programmes.

So each day I’ll choose one from a different show, try to mix it up as best I can. With The Simpsons having been the major force in “adult” animation for decades now though, it’s clear that there will be, shall we say, more than one offering from America’s favourite cartoon family. I’ll try not to let Homer and Co. take this over though. I’ll give him some donuts, that’ll keep him happy.

So we'll be starting with this.
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Episode title: “Simpsons Roasting On an Open Fire”
Series: The Simpsons
Season: One
First transmitted: December 17 1989
Written by: Mimi Pond

Although this was the first episode ever screened of the show proper (leaving aside the shorts on Tracey Ullman’s show which provided the springboard for the most successful animated show in history), here in Ireland the first screened was “Call of the Simpsons” (seventh in the actual running order). Why do you care? You don’t: but I just want to point out that, unlike everyone else, this episode was not my first experience of the show. But anyway, it basically introduces all the characters - to those who had not watched Tracey Ullman - as well as supporting ones, but really there are three main ones, which I’ll get into shortly.

If this was the first time you ever - and I mean ever - heard of or saw America’s real First Family, the first characters you see are Marge and Homer, who are driving to see their kids perform in the Christmas pageant at the school. We also see, peripherally, Maggie, the baby, in a kind of starfish costume, presumably to keep her warm against the December chill. Next up is a man who will be the bane of the Bad Boy of the Simpsons, it’s Principal Skinner, who introduces the next act, in which we get to meet Lisa, the middle child, and then Bart, the eldest, who establishes his character right away by replacing the chorus of “Jingle Bells” with lyrics which have now become hilariously familiar. Skinner is not impressed and pulls him from the line.

It is the first episode, so no criticism, but it’s still interesting to note that none of the children, nor indeed any of the adults in the audience other than Homer, Marge and Maggie, are in any way distinguishable or ever seen again; they’re generic character drawings and, somewhat like the early episodes of Family Guy, it seem they’re seat-fillers, placeholders to make up a crowd scene until Groening and his team has time to work on other, actual characters. Homer betrays his boredom, moaning “How many grades does this school have?”

Back home, Marge is writing her Christmas cards while the kids finalise their letters to Santa. Marge’s letter-writing is a clever device, so early in the series, in which the writers get to inform us about other things happening without having to play them out. These include the fact that the Simpsons’ cat, Snowball, was run over and has been replaced by Snowball II, Homer’s father, Abe or Abraham Simpson (though just referred here to as Grampa) is introduced and Lisa is seen to be a straight-A student while Bart, we hear, is, well, not. Homer’s short fuse temper is demonstrated as he growls at Marge to hurry up and finish her letter, and then demands to know where the extension cord for the Christmas lights is, but he’s slapped down, verbally, as we see, and will, as the series winds on, that Marge is more than a match for him and takes no nonsense from him.

Lisa’s interest in ponies is explored, as her list contains nothing but “a pony” several times, while Marge tries to explain, not that they can’t afford it (as Lisa, being only eight years old, still believes in Santa, or claims to) while Bart wants a tattoo. Marge and Homer’s views on this differ somewhat. While his mother tells him that under no circumstances may he get a tattoo (Bart is not as naive as his sister and knows their presents come from the parents - “There’s only one big fat guy in this house who brings us presents and his name ain’t Santa”) Homer declares that if Bart wants one he can pay for it himself.

The phone rings and we hear, but do not yet see, Marge’s sisters, Patti and Selma, who obviously don’t care for Homer, and the feeling is mutual. Another person Homer will have problems with is introduced, as we meet his neighbour, Ned Flanders, a real god-botherer who can’t understand people who aren’t Christians. Homer’s poor efforts at decorating the outside of their house are put to shame by Flanders’ extravagant display and Homer hates him for it, feeling he has been humiliated in front of his children. Marge later produces “the big jar”, their savings put away over the year for presents and other Christmas sundries and the next day they’re off shopping. Bart, defying his parents’ wishes, and thinking Marge will appreciate the fact that it says “mother”, goes and gets a tattoo.

And now we come to one of the greatest, not only Simpsons characters but surely in all of animation - he’s fond of a smoke, likes a good joke - why he’s worth ten times what he earns! You know his name: (and he is NOT pleased to meet you) it’s Mr. Burns! Oh yes. Charles Montgomery “Monty” Burns, feared and ancient owner of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, where Homer works, a Scrooge figure if ever there was one, advises his staff there will be no Christmas bonus this year. Homer thanks heaven for the big jar! Marge catches Bart before the tattoo is finished and drags him out of the parlour, furious. She tells Homer the Christmas money will now have to go on the procedure to remove the tattoo, so Bart has ruined Christmas for the family. Won’t be the last time.

Marge thinks things will be all right. The big jar may be empty, but there’s still Homer’s bonus to come. Homer has not told her the bad news yet, and now he feels he can’t, as it will be him that is ruining the holiday season for his family. Not that it’s his fault, be he sees himself as the breadwinner and so takes on the responsibility. As he mopes outside, Flanders’ Santa’s low “HO HO HO” seems to mock him. In bed that night, Homer tries to break the news but looking in Marge’s trusting eyes he feels he can’t, and instead hits on a rather ridiculous plan: to do the Christmas shopping himself, getting the cheapest possible presents for everyone so that the meagre funds he has can stretch further. Colliding with Flanders and his kid his cheapskate choices are revealed, which does not help matters.

Now we move to the scene of a place which will become Homer’s second home, Moe’s bar, where Moe asks Homer why he’s so down. When he explains, his best friend Barney Gumble, an inveterate drunk, comes in dressed as Santa. He’s been working as a department store Santa Claus and Homer wonders if he might do the same to earn some extra cash. So he enrols in the training programme and starts his job, though according to his boss he’ll get “not a dime till Christmas Eve” so has to wait to be paid. Inevitably, he runs into Bart, to whom he has to tell the truth about his bonus. Bart laughs at the idea of his father working as a mall Santa, but then takes it a little more seriously. Oh yeah, we also meet, unfortunately, the annoying Millhouse Van Houten, Bart’s best friend. I hate that guy. Nobody likes Miihouse.

Now we get to meet the illustrious sisters in person, as Patti and Selma, twins, visit Marge and complain that there is no Christmas tree in the Simpson house. So Homer decides to go and get one. He can’t afford one though, so goes into the woods to cut one down, leading to the question as to why the Simpsons’ Christmas tree has a birdhouse in it?

Payday arrives, also known as Christmas Eve, but after many deductions Homer is left with a mere thirteen dollars in his paycheque. Barney tells him he has a sure thing in the Springfield Downs dog races and he should bet on the dog. Homer goes but at the last minute changes his bet when he hears the name of one of the dogs is “Santa’s Little Helper”, and thinks it’s a sign. Of course the dog Barney recommended wins and Santa’s Little Helper not only loses, but it kicked out by its owner. Homer and Bart take him home, and he becomes the family dog, allowing Homer to give his family, against all odds, the best Christmas present they have ever had.

Notes

As an introductory episode this really gives you a lot of information. Not only are we presented with the Simpsons family and a few peripheral characters, but we’re also apprised of how each of them react. Homer, who will turn out to be even more popular than Bart and who will represent the whole Simpsons franchise, is fat and lazy, somewhat ignorant, tries to be the man of the house but really is just a big softy; the house is run by Marge, and, to some smaller extent, Lisa. Homer is not very bright but his heart is in the right place, and his perceived lower position on the employment (and some would also say, evolutionary) scale is a constant annoyance to him, especially when compared to his saintly neighbour. Marge is the archetypal long-suffering wife, trying to hold it all together both financially and emotionally, stronger than she looks, the glue which keeps the family together. Lisa takes after her mother - strong, independent, smart, opinionated - while Bart is his father’s son in every way. Maggie, at this stage, is entirely one-dimensional, but we will grow to know and love her.

The other characters, though given little screen time, are still well fleshed out. We see the beginnings of the battle to be waged for thirty years between Principal Skinner and Bart, the disdain in which Homer’s sisters hold her husband (and he them) and the somewhat doddery demeanour of Grampa Simpson. Finally, though his toady has but one line in this episode, we bear witness to the birth, series-speaking, of the shadow that constantly falls across Springfield, and especially Homer’s world, and which will, paradoxically perhaps, endear Monty Burns to us all. Truly it will be said: an episode with Burns in it is guaranteed to be a good one.

There’s a perhaps refreshing lack of preaching in this, a Christmas episode. I don’t think any mention is made of God, any god, other than one reference Bart makes to miracles, and even Santa is not in it, other than as a department store employee. Even Flanders holds back what will become his gushing about the Almighty, which possibly underscores the idea that this is a pilot episode, and the writers weren’t ready to sacrifice, or even stalk any sacred cows just yet. Later, of course, there would be a massacre, as everything and anything became fair game as the show’s popularity grew, then exploded. As we all know, when you’re a hit you can say almost anything you like, and when your show is a satire or comedy, you can really get in the sort of digs you can’t in drama or other types of writing.

One thing that is very skilfully handled here is the old-head-on-young-shoulders attitude Lisa exhibits to adults, talking to them (one might even say talking down to them) in their own language. Example: when Patti talks badly about Homer, Lisa makes this plea:
“I wish you wouldn’t. Because, aside from the fact that he has the same frailties as all human beings, he’s the only father I have. Therefore he is my model of manhood, and my estimation of him will govern the prospects of my adult relationships. So I hope you bear in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me, and I am far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts.” Patti’s response? “Go watch your cartoon show, dear.”

One other interesting point: though he will become Homer's best friend in time, an almost literal Barney to Homer's Fred Flintstone (which can't be a coincidence; his surname is almost the same: Gumble) Barney at this time comes across as at best a casual acquaintance, calling Homer "Simpson" as if he barely knows him.

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Episode title: “For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls”
Series: American Dad
Season: Six
First transmitted: December 12 2010
Written by: Erik Durbin

Note: I’m confused here. Wiki says this is a season six episode, yet shows it on the link for episode seven. My own downloads have it in season seven, so I don’t know, but be that as it may….

The first in a loose trilogy based on the Smiths’ to-be-ongoing war with Santa, this is about as far from The Simpsons as you can get, even further than Family Guy, made by the same team.

Stan, no surprise to anyone, does not believe in Santa and is incensed that not only his own son (who always acts to me like he’s seven years old when he’s like fourteen, but that’s a gripe for another time) but Jeff does; Hayley thinks it’s very endearing but Stan does not agree. Francine is trying to start a new Christmas tradition, but again Stan, the eternal luddite, is not interested. He tells his wife he is getting Steve a gun for Christmas, so that they can bond. She’s not happy and asks him to promise he will not but he does so anyway. Steve is less than impressed with his present, but Stan takes him shooting and, like any kid with a dangerous weapon, he soon warms to it. Meanwhile Roger is on a quest to find the strongest alcohol known to man, and is put on the trail of a legendary brewer who lives high in the Chimdale mountains.

Firing at a snowman, Steve accidentally kills a mall Santa (department store Santa to us) and while his son gibbers on, traumatised, Stan looks after disposing of the body. But before he can do so, Francine finds it in the boot of his car, and after expressing appropriate outrage that her son has killed a man, with a gun Stan gave him (a gun he had promised not to give him) she decides that rather than have Christmas ruined by having her son and husband locked up, she will go along with the secret burial of the body, and keep the police out of it. Stan seems bemused that the guy’s fingerprints are not on the CIA database, but shrugs it off. Roger meets the moonshiner Bob Todd, who says he will teach him how to make the strongest whisky on earth.

The Smith family start to get cryptic, threatening messages that seem to indicate someone knows what they did this winter (see what I did there?) and Greg the news anchor announces that it doesn’t feel like Christmas at all. There’s something missing, almost as if … as if someone had killed Santa Claus! As they debate the absurdity of such an idea - that Steve could have killed not a mall Santa but the real deal - they dig up the body and find to their horror it is gone! Nothing left behind by a bullet-riddled Santa suit. Another note warns them they have been naughty, and Santa is not happy. Just then an elf appears and tells them Santa is not dead, but recovering in the North Pole, but that he’ll be back in good time - before the sun rises - to kill them all!

Roger, returned from his spell on the mountain, leads them all back there to hide, and they all head inside Bob Todd’s cabin just as the sun sinks below the horizon. Jeff arrives to join them, much to Stan’s anger, and then his anger turns to fear as Santa appears in the sky, leading his elf hordes to war against the Smiths. Bob Todd breaks out the weapons and they engage the enemy. Wave after wave of sleigh-riding elf attacks, and the Smiths pick them off with nothing worse on their side than an arrow shot into Stan’s arm, which he contemptuously removes. Then the ground shakes and the trees part, and a massive snowman approaches.

Bob soaks a barrel in his super-strong moonshine and kicks it down the hill, where it hits the snowman, goes through him, he explodes and ejects a barrage of presents. Opening one which falls into his hands, Bob is attacked by a baby version of the snowman, but it is easily put down. All through the attack Hayley asks her mother when Stan will accept Jeff as part of the family, and Francine advises her to give him time to get used to the idea. Hayley says it’s been four years. Santa lands and tries to get Jeff to defect, tempting him with the polar bear helmet from the movie The Golden Compass, which he had asked for in his letter to Santa at the opening of the episode. Everyone is shocked when he goes forward to accept, abandoning the Smiths, but once he has the helmet on he head-butts Santa. The helmet is spiked, so this really hurts, and Jeff legs it back to help bring Stan inside the cabin.

Hopelessly outnumbered, the family are doomed and Stan and Jeff stand back to back as they face defeat together, going out as a family. Luckily, time has run out on Santa, as he can only exist up to Christmas Day, and the sun is now up, so he has to retreat and pull his forces back to the North Pole, promising to return next year to finish the job.


Notes

While unlike The Simpsons episodes, there are no new characters introduced here, the relationship between Jeff and Stan does reach new lows, and then finally a high as Stan sees that Jeff is ready to die for Hayley’s sake, and resist the temptation to betray the family to Santa. Of course, this won’t hold: Stan will always hate Jeff. Apart from that one time when he thought he was bonding with Jeff but it was actually an alien, but that’s another story. Jeff also comes out of his shell for once, standing up to Stan and telling him he does not approve of how he treats his daughter, Jeff's wife. He tells Stan he did not come back for his sake, but for Hayley's.

I really like this episode because it blows apart the traditional norms of Christmas episodes on TV shows, animated or otherwise. Only Bottom has, to my knowledge, dared to turn Christmas upside down… oh, no: Blackadder did it too. Well, they’re the only ones I know of that do it. In a time of supposed love, fellowship and peace we get a story of murder, revenge, conflict and, um, bestiality high up in the mountains. Bob Todd, a clear caricature (or not) of a moonshinin’, gun-ownin’, government-hatin’ redneck living in a cabin, works well in the story, both giving the Smiths a place to make their last stand and providing them the heavy weaponry to do so, while Roger I have to say is pretty poorly underused here, though normally he’s the one that tends to hold these episodes together, so I guess he was due an off-day.

His story of searching for the perfect whisky is okay, but without the battle it wouldn't stand up on its own, so it’s lucky it’s used as a plot device to get the Smiths to their own kind of Waco stand-off. The irony of Stan, an agent of the CIA, standing shoulder to shoulder with the kind of man who would burn down all government buildings if he could, is not lost on me, though perhaps they missed a trick by not having Stan reveal who he worked for, and making it a kind of “all hostilities suspended/truce” thing between the two while they take on the greater enemy.

I don’t like the scene where the guy interrupts the shop keeper as he’s explaining to Roger about Bob Todd - he keeps asking annoying questions and I guess it’s meant to dilute the tension, slow down the drama and poke fun at the whole idea of the story, but to me it’s just irritating and I don’t see any reason for its being there. It’s kind of a small niggle though in a story that is otherwise very satisfying, the perfect antidote for those who are at this point up to here with Christmas and peace on Earth and all that guff.

The battle is of course modelled strongly on those from The Lord of the Rings, right up to the emergence of the massive snowman (who doesn’t last long, and should, I believe, have been given more of a chance to wreak havoc before being so easily disposed of) and the last-stand nature of the attack; I guess it’s meant to be Helm’s Deep or something. Very clever. The resolution is also good, almost a nod to vampire movies where the vampire realises too late that he has strayed into the morning sun and burns up. Santa kind of fizzles out as the sun rises, unable to maintain his coherence in the world after Christmas Day, perhaps also a wry comment on how quickly the feelings of brotherhood and love are forgotten once the presents have been opened and the dinner consumed.

American Dad’s Santa is somewhat similar to Futurama’s Robot Santa, a nasty dude to encounter when he’s mad. So, you know, you better watch out. I like the touch where he lights his cigar off Rudolph’s red nose (well, one of the reindeer; it’s never named as Rudolph but you would guess so) and also the idea of using another reindeer as a battering ram - the antlers bringing the word back to its origin, perhaps.

It’s also nice to see - though we’ve seen it before so it’s no real surprise - that the makers of American Dad aren’t afraid of showing violence or blood, even - especially - in a Christmas episode. If red and white are the traditional Christmas colours, there’s a hell of a lot of the former on display here! It’s violent; comically violent and yet, in a way, maybe not so much. Maybe this is a kind of catharsis, a chance for those who really have had enough of the Christmas season, carols, presents, snow and mistletoe (and overpriced toys to be bought) to really let loose on the festive period and let out a collective, animalistic roar of NO! ENOUGH!

Or, you know, maybe it’s just a really funny cartoon.

American Dad is my favorite cartoon, I might watch the episode you posted. Plus I also think the FBI show on CBS is lame (and I haven't even watched it, just the previews). All of your journals are awesome also! So many and so well thought out that I get information overload.

Hey thanks man. Appreciate the compliments. :)
Yeah that American Dad is definitely worth watching: one of the best Christmas cartoons I ever did see. I agree about FBI. That and its partner show FBI Most Wanted. They're good to pass an hour but I wouldn't cry if I missed one. What annoys me is I keep shouting at the TV when they have the bad guy cornered "Shoot him down like a dog!" and they seldom do. No matter what or how many crimes he's committed, they talk him into being arrested. Boo! We want blood and death! :D

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Title: “A Very Special Family Guy Freakin’ Christmas”
Series: Family Guy
Season: Three
First aired: December 21 2001
Written by: Danny Smith

Look, I’m going to be honest here: the Family Guy Christmas specials, with one or two notable exceptions (and perhaps a few I have not seen; I stopped watching it some time ago) are nothing to write home about. Family Guy seems to subsist on the idea of usually poking - not always gentle - fun at traditions, and Christmas is of course ripe for such treatment. Now, that’s all well and good, and I have no issue with it - providing you do it well, or at least make it funny. Look at how American Dad (another show I have stopped watching) handled the idea of turning Christmas on its head, and yet managed to make it somehow not seem an insult to those who believe. Maybe. But over the years I have found Family Guy to be getting more and more offensive, seemingly just for the chance to knock races and religions, and less and less funny.

This, however, comes from the third season, before Seth lost it, and while it’s not great it’s at least worthy of inclusion in this feature, if for no other reason than we see Lois, the usually solid, workaday mother go totally apeshit and climb the Christmas tree, King Kong-like! But I get ahead of myself.


We open at the lighting ceremony of the Christmas tree in the Quahog town centre, where it becomes clear that the reason the senior citizens volunteered to decorate it was so they could arrange the fairy lights to spell out YOUNG PEOPLE SUCK! How they managed a) to climb up the massive tree in the first place and b) to arrange the lights without testing them I leave to you to puzzle out. Like much in this series, logic is not a welcome visitor and reason can go shove it. Lois is waxing lyrical about the Christmas season when, as usual, Peter arrives and wrecks everything. Literally, this time, as he ploughs into the manger and destroys it. Drunk as always, he dances around singing. Lois is not impressed. At home, she berates Peter for not yet getting a Christmas tree for the house, and he goes outside to chop down the one owned by his neighbour.

A visit to Joe and Bonnie’s - a place Peter didn’t want to go anyway, offering to ensure Lois doesn’t have to lie if she excuses herself by saying her mother has died, by offering to kill her mother - is not much better. Joe is drunk on eggnog and not feeling the Christmas spirit. Quagmire and Cleveland arrive to go wassailing and off they go, leaving the women behind. To his horror and intense annoyance, Joe tells Peter he must be the designated driver, so no beer for him. Stewie is intrigued by the news that Santa is watching him, and every child, and comes to the conclusion that the only way this is possible is if Santa has hidden cameras in the ornaments on the tree. That night he has a dream of being captured by him and set to work as one of his elves. Waking, he fears he is now indeed under surveillance, and may be dealing with someone who could be his match.

Peter is aghast the next morning to realise that he has mistakenly dropped off ALL of the presents to the charity, when Lois told him only one was to go, and the rest were the actual presents for the family. He really has no excuse for this, as he was the only one not drunk last night, but then, he does labour constantly under the crippling handicap of being dumber than a bag of rocks. Luckily for him, Lois takes his stupidity as an act of kindness, however unintentional, and goes to buy more presents. At home, Brian goes to check the turkey, not noticing an ember that jumps from the fire and when he comes back in the place is on fire! Stewie meets Santa in the mall, and makes a deal with him that if he brings him some plutonium for Christmas he will be a good boy.

Returning home, Lois sees the mess but takes it surprisingly well, considering the house is all but burned down. Peter, however, seeing his beloved couch and television destroyed, is less sanguine. Clearly, though, this has all been coming to a head in the mother of the family, as, as she attempts to cheer everyone up and make out things are not as bad as they seem, she finally explodes when she is told there are no kitchen towels with which to clean up the mess. She goes on a rampage, and Peter and the family, believing the Christmas pageant, in which Stewie was to star, and to which she had been looking forward, might bring her to her senses, head there. At this point, I should add, she’s scaled the Christmas tree, as I spoilered at the beginning. Yeah. They end up taking her down with a trank dart, and she drools her way through Christmas.

Notes: There’s a pretty good parody of one of those annoying Christmas specials that air on US TV, this one starring KISS, of all people. Ridiculous, but it does illustrate rather well the kind of crap you poor Americans have to watch during the festive season, and how any star or has-been will agree to be in a Christmas show to boost their profile, ego, ratings or all three. Stewie’s battle of wits with Santa is handled reasonably well, and Peter’s boorishness is not lessened for the holiday season. I do question though why, when he’s chasing the old woman through the mall in pursuit of the last pair of barettes, and they’re on the escalator, she a few steps ahead of him (and older) he doesn’t just run up and grab them? But instead he stands there as the staircase moves slowly on, as if he can’t or hasn’t thought of walking, or is too lazy. It’s probably intentional, to show how thick he is, but it’s a little unbelievable. Still, that’s Family Guy for you.

It’s a little hard on Lois. She’s the one arranging everything, she’s the one holding it together, then when she finally loses it she ends up being a drooling idiot in the corner, missing Christmas. But Seth has never been one to care much about female characters - look how Meg is consistently - yeah, you really can’t call it anything else - consistently abused by, well, the whole family, but mostly by Peter. Chris as usual may as well not be there for all the impact he makes, and this pretty much applies to Meg too, though this is par for the course: apart from the odd Meg-centric episode, the female Griffin child is usually conspicuous by her absence, or just there to hang bad taste/abuse jokes on. Peter as usual is the centre of things, and does his usual moronic and ignorant job, while Stewie’s encounter with Santa Claus (culminating in his actually getting plutonium for Christmas, a nice touch) is okay but doesn’t really add much to the story.

The story itself is quite thin. Basically we watch the often sad breakdown of the mother of the family, while at the end she’s ignored as the family laughs at the television and enjoys their Christmas. Quite how the house got repaired on Christmas Day is not established, but again, Seth has his own world where logic and reality don’t really tend to make many house calls, and where things just happen because shut your yap that’s why. As a Christmas episode it does at least break the traditions of Christmas specials by attempting, in a rather ham-fisted way and in a reasonable speech given by Stewie at the end as Jesus, to explain why people behave - or should behave - better at Christmas, but as usual Seth can’t resist poking his finger in the eye of Christianity by mocking the Virgin Mary. I’m not a believer, but even I think this is in poor taste, especially at Christmas.

Oh, and why is it that when Peter slaps in his new tape of KISS save Santa it starts at the end? Any reason for that? All right! All right! I’m going! Just thought I’d ask; no need to set the wild reindeer on me. Sheesh!

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Episode title: “The Most Adequate Christmas Ever”
Series: American Dad
Season: Four
Written by: Jim Bernstein
First transmitted: December 16 2007

Back to American Dad we go, after a pretty poor attempt by MacFarlane’s other franchise to present their take on the holiday season. One thing you can say about this show, whether you like it or not (I did, for a time) is that they know how to do Christmas specials, and they usually pull out all the stops. Given that this is almost the same length of time into the series that the previous one was (six years later, yes) it’s a vast improvement on Family Guy.

Stan comes home on Christmas Eve and promptly denigrates and insults the family’s efforts at decorating. He leads them into the woods to cut down a new Christmas tree, unhappy with the one they have, but is so picky that none of the ones they suggest will do. Eventually they become so fed up with him that they leave him to it. He finds the perfect Christmas tree, all right, but when he cuts it down it falls on him and kills him.

He wakes up in Limbo, where he demands a second chance, and so must go to court to prove he deserves one. Here, he is given a lawyer, unfortunately the worst in the business; Michelle is known for having lost her first ten cases by agreeing with the prosecution! She has not yet earned her wings, and Stan’s case seems hopeless as evidence is submitted by the opposing attorney demonstrating his callousness, selfishness and sense of always being right and never listening to anyone. Michelle tries to use one example of Stan’s supposed selflessness, but it turns out to have been a dream. He is now boned, and Michelle tells him he can at least console himself with the thought that his family will soon be joining him, as he left them to die in the snow, taking the keys of the car when he left in search of the perfect Christmas tree.

Unable to secure a second chance, Stan falls back on old habits and pulls a gun on the judge. When His Honour laughs and says mortal guns don’t work here, he takes one from a guard. Now he has a Heaven gun (seriously, says someone in the crowd, why do we have these things?) and forces his way out of the court, taking Michelle hostage, demanding to be taken to Heaven to see God personally. Gatecrashing Jesus’s party, they split up and Stan goes looking for God. Stan finds God (sorry, couldn't resist!) but he is not in the mood, and when Stan threatens him with the gun he tells him to get a grip. When Stan puts down the gun and walks away, God tells him that was all he wanted, for Stan to admit to himself that he couldn’t control everything all the time and didn’t always know everything. He returns Stan to his family, also granting Michelle her wings. Home again, Stan praises the efforts of his family on their Christmas decorations, while Roger points out there is a hooker with wings outside the window watching them.


Notes

How is it that neither Hayley, whom we know has kept some dubious company in her time, nor Roger can just hot-wire the car? I mean, if they’re all freezing to death… though Roger doesn’t seem to be bothered by the cold, and he’s about as selfish as Stan is. Still, does he want to be left out here alone? And doesn’t he have a thing for Steve? At worst, he should want to save him. I will admit that when Seth or his people try, they can do two things really well - mythology and science fiction. Roger’s planet, when we see it later, is very well thought out, and here we have chariots which, when the whip is cracked, bring into being an invisible Pegasus to pull them. We also have a huge Griffin (ha ha very clever) to take people to Heaven, and archangels who fly with burning swords. It’s very impressive. I also like when Stan gets to God’s office, he approaches the Almighty’s desk and trips over something. Darkness falls. God drawls “Stan, you unplugged the sun.”

Considering how they seem to hate being compared to The Simpsons - and with, at this point, almost twenty years on them by their rival - it’s perhaps odd that Stan emulates Homer in their first Christmas episode, detailed in the first post, when he goes looking for a Christmas tree. Like the tight-fisted patriarch of the Simpsons family, Stan goes into the woods and tries to chop down a tree. However his story differs in that he does this in the full knowledge - and presence - of his family, whereas Homer went off alone to accomplish this deed in secret, probably embarrassed that he couldn’t afford a real one. Stan could surely afford one, but for whatever reason decides to cut down his own - probably against state laws, but who knows - and in so doing secures his own demise. Perhaps there’s a lesson to be learned there? Or, as David Bowie said as Pilate in the movie The Last Temptation of Christ, no, probably not.

It’s a good tale, a metaphor for a man who has to control every aspect of not only his, but his family’s life, and who always thinks he knows best. There are elements of It’s a Wonderful Life in it of course, and it’s hardly an original idea, but to be fair it’s very well executed, and the outcome is handled decently. It’s also a cute touch to note that the character of God does indeed look like a grown-up form of his son. Perhaps letting the episode down though, it concentrates almost entirely on Stan, there being no role for anyone else once he dies, meaning we see the family for about the first two or three minutes, and then again at the end, and that’s it. So if you don’t like Stan, or you’re a fan of Roger, you’re out of luck in this episode. They do make the most of their reduced screentime though, Francine as usual laying down the law, Steve getting his pee frozen, while Hayley, well, she just basically stands around. Roger has a few okay lines but mostly is very much underused. Again, we end on the standard American Dad theme, no festive version, and, unlike the previous Family Guy episode, no Christmas wishes from the characters.

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Episode title: Miracle on Evergreen Terrace
Series: The Simpsons
Season: Nine
Written by: Ron Hauge
First transmitted: December 21 1997

Marge is determined that the family will celebrate Christmas properly this year, and so she lays down an edict that nobody is to open any Christmas presents until 7:00 AM on Christmas morning. To ensure this instruction is adhered to, she takes possession of all alarm clocks, but Bart has an idea. He drinks twelve glasses of water, so that his insistent bladder will wake him up nice and early. It works, but while he’s playing with a fire truck he accidentally sets the Christmas tree on fire, and it melts, taking all the presents with it. Desperate to hide the evidence before anyone gets up, Bart drags the melted mass out into the garden and covers it with snow, then pretends their house has been robbed. When they’re all despondent Bart tries to divert attention from the loss of presents by suggesting they remember the true meaning of Christmas, that it’s not all about gifts. Lisa and Marge agree - though Homer is still miserable - and they decide to walk over to the nursing home and cheer up the old folks.

This does not go to plan, however: the drug man has been and the old folks, including Grampa, are all high as kites and therefore very cheerful. While Homer ends up at Moe’s, drowning his sorrows, he sees a report by Kent Brockman on the TV, which features his family, and when he gets home he finds that all of Springfield have come together to help his family. Mr. Burns is looking for change for a button, but it’s the thought that counts. Wait a minute: no it isn’t. Anyway, Bart is particularly distressed when two orphans give him the dollar they had been saving, and eventually he can’t stand the pressure of the guilt any more and comes clean to the family. Just as he does, Brockman arrives to do a follow-up story. While the family tries to keep their secret, Santa’s Little Helper digs up the buried tree and presents, and the whole deal collapses. Now everyone knows. The Simpsons are pariahs.

Marge has the rather ill-advised idea to win the money to pay everyone back by taking part in Jeopardy but of course loses. On the way back home, they see the crowd again at their house, but nobody seems angry at them any more. Thinking this a Christmas miracle, Marge is soon disabused of this notion when it becomes clear that their friends are taking the Simpsons’ property in payment of the debt, like bailiffs. It will be a rather frugal Christmas for America’s favourite family - not even a TV or a couch to watch it on!

Notes

In essence this isn’t a terrible episode, but given we’re into the ninth season now it’s kind of weak really. It ends poorly, and if you ascribe real-world logic to it (as you can often do, unlike the other two shows) what legal right have the neighbours to take property in payment of what was, after all, unsolicited donations, even if they were obtained under false pretences? I don't’ think any court in the land would support that! And while we’re at it, how is Moe’s open on Christmas Day, and how come Kent Brockman is working? When Bart crashes his truck into the power socket and it goes on fire, he just remote control drives it into the tree, which starts the fire. It actually stops and he starts it up again. Why doesn’t he just go and pick it up? The truck would be destroyed, yes, but the fire would be unlikely to spread.

I don’t know him personally, but I guess for Americans it’s nice to see “Jeopardy” host Alex Trebek guest, as he died only recently and was apparently one of the USA’s most loved gameshow hosts. Guess it was like when Bruce Forsyth passed on here some time ago; national day of mourning almost. But back to the niggles. When the fire starts, and consumes the tree, how come it doesn’t spread to the rest of the house? Yes, it was the fire engine raising its ladder while on fire (why did Bart do that? Surely that wasn’t automatic?) that set the tree ablaze, but why did nothing else catch fire? And how could he pick up a surely superheated charred mess in his bare hands and get it outside without getting third degree burns? At least when Brian burned down the house in Family Guy the fur on his paws was all burned off. When they bought their new car and it crashed and sank as the ice broke, why did it explode? How did it explode, underwater? Is that possible?

It’s as I say I pretty poor ending, not particularly funny, but it does at least bring home the moral that if you make a mistake you should own up to it, rather than try blame it on someone else, including a shadowy figure who never existed. It’s interesting to see all three other family members go for Bart when he admits his guilt - normally it’s just Homer. I think Maggie may join in too; can’t remember and I’m really not bothered enough to go back and check.

One thing The Simpsons does, that the other two shows seem not to, is add Christmas music to their titles, at least their closing ones, and here the couch gag at the beginning is turned into a snowglobe, so there’s a festive theme there. Overall though, a lot poorer than I remember.

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Episode title: Christmas Guy
Series: Family Guy
Season: 12
Written by: Greg Meighan
First transmitted: December 15 2013

The Griffins are aghast to find that the annual Quahog Christmas carnival has been cancelled, and even more so when it turns out that it’s Lois’s father, Carter, who is responsible. Peter goes to see him to find out why, and Carter tells him that it’s terrible being rich at Christmas: everyone expects big expensive presents and he gets nothing. Ah, your heart bleeds, wot? So as a result Carter hates Christmas and, being rich and selfish (never a great combination and almost always one going with the other) he has decided to cancel the carnival. Peter vows to help him regain the spirit of Christmas, however despite some really stupid - and quite frankly disgusting and disturbing - ideas he has, success eludes him until he sighs that he had no idea Carter was Jewish. Suddenly, rather than be seen as a Jew, Carter reinstates the carnival. Nice one, Seth, you racist bastard.

So far, so terrible. Step forward, Stewie, for the love of Jesus and save this trainwreck! If only Brian were here instead of this annoying Italian mafia/Tony Soprano style dog they have now! Well, only one way to sort that out: bring Brian back! Only one problem: just before Brian died, Stewie destroyed his time machine, leaving him unable to bring his friend back. He really was dead. But hey, this is cartoons, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned watching and researching them, it’s that anything can happen, and often does. Usually though with Seth that’s just it: it happens, no explanation. At least here, I tip my hat to the writer for the way in which he enables Stewie to time travel again.

Despondent without Brian, Stewie goes with Vinnie to the toy store, where he sees, against all odds, himself from the past. This Stewie has travelled into the future - our Stewie’s present; bear with me - to pre-buy a toy that will quickly sell out. Stewie follows him, aware that in his backpack is the return pad for the time travel machine in past Stewie’s bedroom, so that if he can get it, he can (deep breath) return to the time machine in the past, use it to go a little forward in that past’s future to save Brian and then return to his own present with Brian still alive. With me so far? Tough. You should have paid more attention during temporal mechanics class. What? You didn’t take temporal mechanics? What kind of Starfleet cadet are you? What? Well in that case, sir, these gentlemen from Starfleet Security need to speak to you...

Anyway, the plan works brilliantly and Brian is saved, whereupon the “future” Stewie, his time line now defunct, vanishes, leaving the current Stewie (back in the present - you know what, this is getting tiring and confusing. Thank god it’s nearly over) wondering why Brian is making such a fuss of him on Christmas morning. With the timelines restored, Vinnie vanishes, never having been associated with the Griffins in the first place, and all is well in the world again.

Notes

Really, this is less of a Christmas story and more of a perhaps bowing to pressure to bring Brian back (though it may all have been planned, who knows?) and as the former it really doesn’t work. They would have been better just making it the Brian-comes-back story and leaving it at that, though mixing this in as a Christmas episode does work on some levels. The “main story”, if you will, sucks balls and is nothing more than an opportunity for Seth to spout his often hateful racist and religiously intolerant rhetoric; it’s wrapped up about ten minutes into the episode and is, really, throwaway and not at all important to the episode. It’s hardly even linked.

But it’s great to see Brian back. I had thought - along with millions of others, no doubt - that it was a stupid, almost suicidal move to kill Brian off. Yes, the shock value was there, but just as Star Trek realised you can’t kill a major character off just like that and not get furious feedback from the fans (and even Arthur Conan Doyle found his out a hundred years earlier) Seth must have known it couldn’t be a permanent exit. Whether people took to Brian’s replacement or not I don’t know; Vinny was all right but a bit cliched and I didn’t see him do much in the handful of episodes he was in. And his efforts o emulate Brian for Stewie, while laudable on one level, are really just painful. The Griffins without a dog would have been just as effective.

As usual, nothing for the rest of the family to do. I’m not sure Meg even spoke - maybe had one or two lines - Chris was as useless as ever and even Lois had little to say or do. At least Peter didn’t take over the episode, though he was given time to crap all over it with, as I said above, some very unnecessary and frankly horrible scenes which I did not find at all funny, nor appropriate for a Christmas episode. Yeah, yeah, my knickers are untwisted, but still, there’s no need for that kind of thing I feel.

I’d rate this as a total failure if it wasn’t for the subplot (which I consider really the main plot, despite the title) which rescues it and makes it watchable, even good. But never a Christmas episode. Without question, Brian and Stewie aside, the worst one I’ve reviewed here yet.

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Episode title: The Best Christmas Story Never Told
Series: American Dad
Season: 3
Written by: Brian Boyle
First transmitted: December 17 2006

Stan is angry that “liberals” are “stealing Christmas”. He has a point, to be fair. The Christmas tree in the town square is removed due to an injunction stating that the land it stands on, being public land, is not a fit place for religious icons, and so is removed. Nobody will wish him a Merry Christmas, it’s all Happy Holidays (and boy do I hate that!) as if everyone is afraid of offending those who do not celebrate Christmas (cough) Muslims (cough) so he decides to do something about it. Roger is depressed that he has been, he tells the Smiths, sixty years on this planet without anything to show for it. Stan is so angry with not being able to say Merry Christmas that he decides there will be no Christmas, but as he sleeps on the sofa, banished there by Francine, the Ghost of Christmas Past visits him.

Ah, we all know where this is going now, don’t we?

No. No we don’t.

Breaking away from the Ghost when he is brought to 1970, Stan realises that the one person he can blame the new “liberal Christmas” is Jane Fonda. Look, don’t ask: just go with it, ok? So he sets off to the set (sorry) of the movie Klute, which she is filming at this time, determined to kill her. However when he goes to see her and spies on a conversation between her and Donald Sutherland, he hears that it is actually him who encouraged her to get into politics, so now Kiefer’s father is his target. The Ghost meanwhile goes back to the present and enlists Francine’s aid in tracking her husband down. Roger, working as a busboy in the hotel which Stan has just sneaked into, finds a cassette tape Stan bought him as a cheap Christmas present in the, um, present, a recording of disco’s greatest hits. This allows him to debut artists nobody has ever heard of before, as they’ve not been recorded yet, and raises him to the level of superstar music mogul.

Stan meets Martin Scorsese, and convinces him to give up drugs, then just as he’s about to shoot Sutherland the Ghost and Francine stop him. The Ghost warns him that any action he takes here can have drastic consequences in the future, their, ah, present. I guess. Anyway Stan as usual is not listening, but it’s too late as he’s dragged back to his own time. Unfortunately, everything has changed, and the US is now under Russian control. Checking back through his actions, the Ghost deduces that getting Scorsese off drugs led by an unlikely chain of circumstances which are too silly to relate (but see notes below) to Reagan not getting re-elected in 1984, and Walter Mondale, as president, handing over the USA to the Soviets.

They realise they have to go back to the past to undo what Stan did, but of course it goes wrong. Stan now has to make the movie Taxi Driver in order to get John Hinckley to be so obsessed with Jodie Foster that he shoots Reagan to impress her, but Stan is no movie maker and fires De Niro, casting instead John Wayne (!) and making the movie a shoot-em-up western, all of which fails to draw Hinckley to Foster. Left with no option, Stan must face the inevitable. If anyone can save America, it’s him, and if that means shooting his hero, then so be it! Stan Smith must attempt to assassinate Ronald Reagan!

It’s now 1981, and to Roger’s horror the disco boom is about to go flat. Nobody’s buying disco records any more, and his party is over. He’s lost all his money, and investing it badly (”What about all the racehorses I bought? I thought you were feeding them!") has wiped him out entirely. Stan does what needs to be done, and everything goes back to how it was. Christmas, and America, has been saved.

Notes

Again, it’s hardly original, mixing elements of A Christmas Carol with Back to the Future, but it’s still streets ahead of Family Guy. Technically speaking, like the aforementioned Family Guy, this isn’t quite a Christmas story. It would have stood up as a normal episode, but the idea of losing Christmas kind of adds to it. There are clever touches. Roger becoming a disco impresario and the sudden death of disco are well signposted, and the tacit admission (whether true or not I don’t know) that Martin Scorsese needed drugs to enable him to make his iconic movie is clever too, though to be honest the chain of circumstances that then lead to the Soviet takeover of America is a little, shall we say, tenuous, at best? Here’s how it supposedly runs:

Scorsese needed to do coke in order to make Taxi Driver. When Stan gets him off drugs it kills his creativity and the movie is not made. Without being cast in the movie, Jodie Foster then never impresses John Hinckley to the extent that he shoots Reagan to try to impress her, and Reagan in his turn does not have the added impetus of having survived assassination to enable him to win re-election in 1984. The presidency goes to Mondale, who hands over, for some reason, the USA to the Soviet Union a few months into his term. Um, yeah. None of those things could happen, and even if they did, Foster was in other movies before 1981, any of which Hinckley could have seen her in. Not to mention that Reagan was, at the time of the 1984 re-election, still very popular and would have been even without the assassination, which only served to boost his already high standing, not revive a flagging popularity. Mondale was never in contention.

Of course, you can dissect the idea behind this as much as you want, and none of it is as stupid and just completely impossible as a sitting American president ceding his authority to the Russians (maybe Trump, I don’t know; that guy’s like a jilted lover and he is crazy, but only a month or so left to go!), though this I guess feeds into Stan’s misplaced idea of the Democrats as commies and liberal bleeding hearts without the stomach for a fight. Similarly, Stan’s contention that Jane Fonda is somehow to blame for liberalism may have some basis in a grain of truth, but she can hardly be blamed for the more PC America you guys live in now, and killing her would likely have achieved nothing, though in the end he switches his attentions to Donald Sutherland. It’s all pretty silly, but it is fun.

We do learn a few things in this episode, and I don’t mean that there’s DNA in poo, as the Ghost of Christmas Past tells us dejectedly. We learn that though Roger has only been with the Smiths for four years, he has been on Earth for sixty, having been in the UFO that crashed in Roswell. We learn that Stan hates the liberalisation of Christmas, particularly people wishing him “Happy Holidays” and that he thinks Jesus was born in a mangler. He also believes there is nothing as American as a Christmas tree, though when he thinks about it, with Steve’s help, an American flag with little Christmas trees for stars might be even better. Finally, we learn that Roger’s story about being a flash music mogul in the seventies is actually true, though this is only possible because of Stan buying him a tape in the present and then going into the past and dropping it, so if he hadn’t bought it in the present how could he… let’s not go there, okay? This is confusing enough.

I don’t get the idea of the Christmas (sorry, Holiday) Rapist. He’s mentioned at the beginning and you think he’s going to play some part in the story, but he doesn’t. All he ends up being is another peg to hang a not particularly funny joke on, and refer back to when the Ghost of Christmas Past appears to Stan. Bit of a wasted opportunity: they could have I don’t know, met him in 1974 maybe, done something that turned him into the Christmas sorry Holiday Rapist, but they swerved that one. Almost as if the writer had forgotten about him.

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Episode title: Marge Be Not Proud
Series: The Simpsons
Season: 7
Written by: Mike Scully
First transmitted: December 17 1995

Bart really wants the new must-have video game “Bonestorm”, but Marge says it’s too expensive and promotes violence, so he decides to steal one, shoplifting at the Try-n-Save, but he is caught by the dick ooer store detective, who phones his parents to tell them what has happened, and tells Bart he is banned from the store. Luckily for Bart, his parents are not home and he has time to get back and change the tape before they can get to hear the message the store detective has left for them. When the family go to get their annual Christmas picture taken Bart is horrified when he realises where it’s to be taken, and of course the store detective sees him, despite many attempts to hide himself, and the whole sordid story comes out.

Marge is disappointed; Bart is surprised she isn’t angry, but he can’t see her heart is broken, and she starts to realise that he’s not the little boy she thought he was. He’s growing up, and that brings with it its own set of problems. In an attempt to address this, she starts pulling back, being less motherly to him. Well, she says this is what she’s doing but in reality she’s probably subconsciously punishing him by withdrawing her affection and attention from him. In an attempt to redeem himself, Bart goes back to Try’n’Save and gets a photograph of himself for his mother, who had been bemoaning the fact that of all the Christmas pictures they have had taken over the years, none of them have Bart in them smiling or not pulling a face. She is delighted and they reconcile.

Notes

You’d have to say that again this is a fairly poor Christmas episode, which does not make it a poor episode, but Christmas is almost an afterthought to the plot, which concerns a kind of heavy-handed moral on the sin of stealing. It’s presented well: I particularly like the woman with the pushy, bratty, nasty kid who demands, when she buys “Bonestorm” for him, “Get two: I’m not sharing with Caitlin!” Bart’s wondering belief that this must be the happiest kid in the world is sharply offset when she, seeing Bart benig taken back into the store by Brodka, shakes her head and opines that that boy’s parents must have gone very wrong, blissfully unaware that a spoiled, arrogant child will grow up to be just as bad, unable to see her own failures as a mother. The declaration “four finger discount” by Jimbo to describe their shoplifting is a reminder that all Simpsons characters have, for some reason, only four fingers.

As Bart is marched up to Brodka’s office, the store Santa offers him a candy cane but the detective shakes his head and growls “not for him”, and Santa nods, frowning. There’s a cameo from the late Phil Hartman as Troy McClure (you may remember him from such information films as “Lead: Delicious but Deadly!” and “Phoney Tornado Warnings Waste Resources”) as he stars in a video about the history of shoplifting and then it’s funny when Brodka says “capische?” to Bart and then follows this up with “well? Do you understand?” to which Bart replies “Everything but capische.” Again this episode, like many Christmas episodes across all three series, suffers - or benefits I guess, depending on your point of view - from concentrating on one character more or less to the exclusion of everyone else. Here of course it’s Bart, and while Homer and Marge have things to say, and Lisa gets in a line or two, it’s the bad boy who carries the show. Bart can of course do this, and has, effortlessly in the past, but it does place something of a burden on the viewer, I believe, when there’s not even a sideplot to concentrate on and give you a break from the adventures of Bart Simpson at Christmas.

Millhouse is, sadly, in the episode but thankfully not for long - Bart sees he has “Bonestorm” and pays his friend a visit, but Millhouse won’t share and so he gets thrown out. However on the second attempt it seems Millhouse has lost interest in the game and is now into cup-and-ball (no, smartarse, it isn’t: it’s a very old form of entertainment you could make yourself, where a small ball on a string hangs from a kind of chalice-like cup, and you try to flip the ball into the cup). It’s quite a clever comment on how kids often go for the simplest things to play with, despite all the expensive technology around them: kind of like playing with the box of the Playstation or whatever. The second time Millhouse is very willing to let Bart play with the game, but as with children everywhere and all times, it’s whatever the other kid has that they want, and so he tries to take the cup-and-ball from Millhouse. This time though, on the point of being ejected from the Van Houten home, he asks Millhouse’s mother if he can hang with her and do “mom stuff”. This is fun for a while, but soon creeps Lou-Ann out, and Bart is sent home.

I do however want to know a) how Bart made it all the way to Try’n’Save on his own (they had to drive there originally) and how he also managed to avoid Brodka long enough to get a proper picture taken. Maybe the store detective was on a break. Still, it seems unlikely, although this is possibly a day or so, or more, later, as it doesn’t make that clear.

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Episode title: How the Griffin Stole Christmas
Series: Family Guy
Season: 15
Written by: Aaron Lee
First transmitted: December 17 2016

When Peter stands in as a mall Santa the power goes to his head. That’s it. Well, not really but you get the idea. Brian and Stewie crash Christmas parties in search of free booze (for Brian obviously, not the baby) and lonely and desperate women. What? Oh. Yeah. Not Stewie. Probably not. No, definitely not. Definitely not? Definitely not. Stewie tries to liven up one of the parties by telling the staff half of them will be fired unless they can drink more shots that the other half, and the boss, liking what he hears, takes him on. When it becomes clear that Stewie’s joke has gone too far (don’t ask me where Brian is at this point; he seems to have disappeared) he tries to make amends by handing out paycheques to everyone, cut for the maximum amount he’s authorised to sign: eleven thousand dollars. Cash them fast, he tells everyone.

Having blagged everything he can because he’s dressed as Santa (seriously? They believe that? They know he’s not really Santa, right?) Peter passes out in the street. He awakes to find the real Santa standing over him, none too pleased at how he’s been mistreating the office. But rather than wreak terrible vengeance on him, like maybe showing him what the world would be without a proper Santa (or even an evil one) lame-ass Santa here just pranks Peter with a text and then tries to strangle him so that Peter gives in and takes off the suit. It’s beyond lazy, it really is.

Notes

It’s hard to know what to say really. This is top grade trash. I mean, what’s in the story? Stewie and Brian crash a party, Stewie gets a job at the office and it turns out not to be the awesome adventure he had anticipated. Peter uses his position as Santa to be really greedy and Santa sort of punishes him, but not really, until Peter repents. Garbage. If this is what the current season is like, I’m glad I stopped watching. There’s really nothing else to say. Merry Christmas, you fat lazy bastard Seth MacFarlane.

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Episode title: Skinner’s Sense of Snow
Series: The Simpsons
Season: 12
Written by: Tim Long
First transmitted: December 17 2000

Despite a heavy fall of snow, and to Bart’s disgust, Springfield elementary is open - one of the few schools that is. He cheers up a little when Principal Skinner tells the class that, as no teachers showed up today, he will be showing them a movie, about a Grinchy little character. However it’s not what the kids think, and they have to sit through a bad 1930s movie called The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t And Then Was - in black and white. Thankfully however after two hours the video camera burns up the movie, and everyone heads for the exits. In shock, they realise the snow has piled up outside and they can’t get out: they’re trapped in the school!

Homer and Flanders set out to rescue the kids, but Homer hits a fire hydrant and the water instantly freezes, trapping them too. Meanwhile things are turning ugly at the school, so Skinner dons his old army uniform and re-establishes discipline. Nelson tries to make a break for it but runs head-first into the big pile of snow waiting outside. The children settle down for the night, unhappy but unable to leave. Undaunted, Bart decides to dig his way out (with a ladle?) and has actually made good progress before Skinner catches him. In trying to collapse the tunnel though (while inside it; how stupid is that?) he gets trapped and by the time the kids and Willy pull him out he’s no longer a force for authority. They tie him up and the kids take control of the school.

Trapped in the frozen car, with engine fumes leaking in, Homer starts to have hallucinations. Skinner sends the school hamster, Nibbles, off in a transparent ball (don’t ask me) with a note asking for help. He ends up smashing through the windscreen of Flanders’s car, breaking the glass and letting in air. This (for some reason) frees them from the ice too, and they head off but crash into a pillar of salt (yeah I know) outside the cracker factory (doesn’t or didn’t Kirk Van Houten work there?) which topples over, spilling tons of salt onto the snow, and thus melting it.The kids escape from the school as the snow melts, just as Homer and Flanders show up outside.

Notes

This is how you do a Christmas episode! Yes, again it’s kind of centred on one character - Bart - but given that it also involves the school you get to see the other kids, particularly Nelson and (shudder) Millhouse. Even Martin gets a line. And despite what you might expect, Lisa does not side with Skinner on the issue of authority, but joins in with the general rebellion when he is imprisoned by the children. Homer has some great scenes here and it’s pretty cool that he teams up with Flanders. Bart’s takeover of the school does somewhat mirror when he was at Kamp Krusty, but it’s handled in a different way.

The clever twist when the kids think they’re going to be shown The Grinch and it turns out instead to be a crappy b-movie from the days of black and white is nice, and the crappiness of the movie is enhanced by Lisa pointing out a stage-hand who walks out on the set. Another flashback to ‘Nam for Skinner - those are always good - and I also like how when Millhouse tries to impress Lisa by tearing up her permanent record the page reconstitutes and the drawer closes by itself. The power of education indeed! The link back to Mr. Plow, where Homer can’t even remember having such a job despite the fact that he is actually wearing the jacket, is a comment on I guess the fact that so many people are now sick of that episode, and staying with snow ploughs, the selling off of the city’s supply to Mr. Burns for his entertainment is just the sort of thing Quimby would do.

A few small nibbles, sorry niggles: when Skinner writes SEND HELP! On the note he puts into the hamster’s rolling ball, that’s literally all he writes. Not who the note is from, where he can be found, how help might be sent or to where. Very lax for a so-called educated man. I’m not sure exactly how the DVD of the movie failing manages to burn up the camera, or how Skinner fixes the disc - one would assume he just cleaned it, but why then would that make the screen burn up, and it having done so, how would repairing the DVD allow the screen to function again? Why are they all eating relish and apples? Surely there is other food in the school? It’s the Christmas holidays, yes, but there should be food left over still. Even candy bars from the machines or something? Relish and apples? How does Bart dig such an effective tunnel without any supports or buttresses at all, and given that he is at this point almost out, why does Skinner decide to collapse the tunnel instead of maybe strengthening it and seeing if they can after all get out?

But all those questions aside - none of which are, in the final analysis, important anyway - what I really like about Simpsons episodes versus Family Guy and to some extent American Dad is that they rarely if ever poke fun at Christmas, and never at religion. Yes, there are a few gentle jabs - Bart saying Christmas is remembered for the birth of Santa, Homer lamenting that Jesus must be spinning in his grave etc - but there isn’t the kind of wanton cruelty and disdain that Seth McFarlane’s shows, especially Family Guy, heap on Christmas, as if the guy hated it. Not all of the Simpsons Christmas episodes are great, not by any means, but when they do it right they can really hit the mark, and to be fair, this happens more times than it doesn’t. This isn’t a perfect Christmas episode, but damn it, it’s close.

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Episode title: Dreaming of a White Porsche Christmas
Series: American Dad
Season: 12
Written by: Brian Boyle
First transmitted: December 1 2014

We have the same writer that gave us the rather superior "The Greatest Christmas Story Never Told", so there’s hope, there’s hope. Jealous of the footloose and fancy-free (and, one would assume, Francine-free - sorry) life that Principal Lewis leads, and hassled by his family to sort out Christmas, Stan wishes that his life was different and that he had Lewis’s life. He says this as he places a plastic angel - one he has not seen before, and got from Roger’s room - on the top of the tree. The next morning, his family is gone, there are sexy pictures of women all over the house, his tree has been replaced by, well, something in a bucket with a beer bottle on top, and there’s a white Porsche in his garage!

His shock doesn’t last long, and he and Roger go on the tear, but when he heads to Lewis to check out some pointers on how to be single, he is gobsmacked to see that the Principal now has his family! He’s married to Francine, and has a little black Steve and a little black Hayley. Well, he wished for Lewis’s life, and got it, and now Lewis has his life. Seems fair. Stan doesn’t think so though. After believing he can just undo the wish, pretending he’s learned a lesson when Roger tells him that might be part of the deal, he does what Stan always does: overreacts and takes his, I mean Lewis’s family hostage. The CIA soon turn up, as Lewis now has Stan’s job too, and Francine, seeing her chance to escape, pretends she believes Stan, who then lets her go to “explain to the CIA”. Rather stupidly (though Stan has never been a great thinker anyway) he lets her take the kids too. With no hostages left, it’s clear for the Agency to take him down.

Before they can though he drives off in the Porsche, and heads for Suicide Bridge. As he jumps, the CIA riddle him with bullets. And as he lies on the ground, smashed, full of holes and bleeding, they riddle him some more. As he begins to die, an angel appears and tells him that he has learned his lesson and may go back to his family, but it is not his family but another one. The angel tells him this is the kind of family he’s been wishing for, being so disappointed with both his son and daughter, and dismissive of Francine, so he now has the sort of family he deserves and wants. But Stan wants his old family back. He meets Roger, who doesn’t seem to know him as well as he should, but when he explains to him about his alternate life, Roger agrees to help Stan. He must make a wish, and place the angel on the tree. He does, as Stan holds on to his backside, as Roger did when Stan wished, which was why he ended up in the alternate reality with his friend.

Unfortunately, in every reality Roger is a selfish, stupid, self-centred narcissist, and he wishes for a white Porsche, which he gets, but which has now wasted his only wish. Stan is now stuck in this reality. His last chance is to get his new wife, Mary (oh come on! Mary Christmas? Didn’t they make the tired old joke in Family Guy?) to wish she had never married him, but she is intractable, even when Stan rams Roger’s Porsche through the house. Finally though he hits upon her Achilles’ Heel: he criticises her homekeeping. She takes the angel, makes the wish and Stan is back, happy never to be single again, back with his own family.

Notes

While again so many Christmas specials rely on versions of A Christmas Carol or It’s A Wonderful Life - this on the latter - they can really use the device differently, and here we see, not Stan’s world without him, but basically Stan without his world. Fed up with his family and contemptuous of their desires he learns to appreciate them by being deprived of them It’s hardly original but it works well. The idea of Roger being dragged along because he was feeling Stan’s butt as he placed the angel on the tree is clever, and completely consistent with what we know of Roger, and it’s interesting to see wildman Lewis settle down with Francine. Not so good to see Hayley and Steve as little black kids, but there you go. Quite funny too when Stan runs into his new kitchen to ask Klaus what’s going on and realises he’s just an ordinary fish. “The fish doesn’t talk!” he gasps. “What kind of Twilight Zone world am I in?”

You may disagree - I’m sure many do - but I don’t like Patrick Stewart’s character, so it’s no fun for me to see him heading the CIA rescue force, though thankfully he’s not in the episode for long. The overkill as Stan goes off the bridge is funny, though perhaps stretched a little when they continue shooting him as he lies on the ground dying. When they all walk off whistling “Deck the Halls” though it does kind of bring a smile to my face. It’s a good double-bluff, too, when the angel appears and tells Stan he has learned his lesson, and we think everything will go back to normal, but it doesn’t. Also good when Roger wastes his wish. To be honest, Francine is hot, but I’d stay with that other wife if I were Stan. Rowr!

It always slightly disturbs me though the way death is treated so casually in both Seth’s series. I know (shut up, I know) it’s only a cartoon but I wonder does it contribute even in a small way to the desensitisation of kids towards violence? I mean, we see Principal Lewis run over two people as he hares into the Smiths’ driveway, and nothing is said. Roger froths up a bottle of soda and causes two young girls to crash into a tree, and then they destroy a petrol station and nothing is said. It’s funny, yes, but is it overly or unnecessarily violent? Family Guy, to its small credit, doesn’t tend to focus so much on the violence, but American Dad certainly does. I just wonder if it’s appropriate in a Christmas episode? But then of course I thoroughly enjoyed “For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls”, and you couldn’t get more violent than that. Still, that was a battle, and you could see it as necessary or at least justified violence.

Good to see they actually made an effort with the Christmas titles this time. No special song a la Simpsons but they have Stan wearing a Christmas-themed pouch (um,yeah) and the words American Dad are fashioned from Candy Canes. Also, all the characters are wearing Christmas jumpers, antlers or other items and Roger is dressed, in Stan’s car, as the crucified Jesus, something I would have thought they would have done before this. That or Santa. At the end there’s a Christmas song, so it’s a lot more geared towards the festive season than previous ones, even the aforementioned “For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls” was.

Stan’s arrogance is always annoying, his belief that he is right no matter what, and it’s gratifying to see him taken down a peg or two; we wonder if he has learned his lesson, then remember this is Stan Smith we’re talking about. Of course he hasn’t. But for now it seems he appreciates his family, and I guess that’s as good as it gets. Overall a very satisfying episode, and enjoyable to watch. Well written, well thought out, well resolved. Well done, Mr. Boyle. We look forward to other efforts by you.

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Episode title: Road to the North Pole
Series: Family Guy
Season: 9
Written by: Chris Sheridan, Danny Smith
First transmitted: December 12 2010

Ah, now we’re cooking! As I’ve said before, if one tenuous and yet very strong strand of rope holds, or held, the entire Family Guy apparatus together, keeping it precariously swinging over the abyss but not falling into it, it’s the relationship between Stewie and Brian. If you get an episode without the two of them in it, chances are, these days anyway, it’s going to suck. Add in the “Road” series, of which there have been, to date, seven not including this, and you almost always have a recipe for success. So to team that up with a Christmas episode and have the intrepid pair head to see Santa, well, you’re guaranteed a good episode.

I don’t normally do this, but as most if not all of the “Road” movies have interesting and different opening titles, with the usual song and dance (literally) absent, and the theme entirely changed, and as this is a Christmas episode which for once allows the cartoonists to reference the holiday season, I think it might be worth checking off all the Christmas-themed shots that are shown in these opening titles.

So, they are then, in order: Stewie and Brian in “The Nutcracker”, dashing across the snow in a sleigh (open but not one-horse), a scene from A Christmas Carol in which Brian plays the ghost of Jacob Marley and Stewie is a frightened Scrooge, Brian building a snowman while Stewie builds a rather gay-looking strongman version of Rupert, Brian pulling a different sleigh down a hill with antlers on his head while Stewie urges him on with a whip, from atop a massive sack of presents, then Brian and Stewie as ornaments on a Christmas tree, the two of them camping out at night in a snow-covered forest, Stewie tobogganing down a snowy hill on Brian’s back, Brian wearing a top hat and smoking a pipe. Then we have Stewie staring in horror at something while outside Chris grins evilly and Brian looks annoyed, Brian and Stewie having a snowball fight, with Stewie about to launch a barrage of snowballs at Brian via a catapult, Stewie electrocuting Brian with the Christmas lights, the two of them as biscuits left out on a plate for Santa, a bite taken out of Stewie, the two of them filling Meg’s stocking with coal (Brian with a wheelbarrow full of the stuff wearing a hard hat while Stewie stands on a ladder and empties a bag of it into the stocking and Brian and Stewie making snow angels (though Stewie’s comes out as a snow devil - did they steal that from The Simpsons or vice versa?). Note: none of these scenes occur in the show.

There: we’ve had some super fun already and there’s been plenty to write about, and we’re only through the credits. It starts in live action, with for some reason Seth’s actual father narrating the show, but that thankfully quickly fades out and we get a big musical number, which to be fair Family Guy are very good at doing. Brian is taking Stewie to see Santa at the mall, but the line is so long that by the time they get to the top the store is closing and they’re unable to be seen. Furious, Stewie decides to go to see Santa at the North Pole and give him a piece of his mind. Of course he can’t drive so Brian has to take him. He tries to fool him by bringing him instead to Santa’s Village, but Stewie sees through it. When Brian tries to talk him out of going to the actual North Pole, Stewie says he has to, as he intends to take his revenge on Santa by killing him.

Brian still refuses, knowing how long - and pointless - such a journey is, but Stewie decks him and next thing he sees the baby is in a truck headed north. With no alternative but to follow him, Brian sets off. Stewie causes a traffic accident when he sets off a flare gun in the cab and Brian’s car is also wrecked. Although he tries to convince Stewie that his quest is doomed to failure, as Santa does not exist, Stewie refuses to believe him. They make a deal, and borrow a snowmobile and they are on their way. Their fuel runs out though so they have to spend the night in an old hunting lodge, and head off in the morning on foot.

To Brian’s amazement (but not ours obviously) there is a North Pole where Santa lives, and they have reached it. However, when they enter they find that instead of a Christmas toytown village with elves running around and wooden trains and cars and things, it’s a smoking, frowning industrial nightmare, huge chimney stacks belching foul dark fumes out into the soot-choked air, high wooden gates and a Santa who is very depressed and tired. So much so that when Stewie, recovering somewhat, declares he is here to kill him, Santa sighs “Thank god!” and encourages him to pull the trigger. He takes them inside, to show them that his elves have degenerated, after centuries of in-breeding, into a mutated race of simpletons and monsters. The reindeer have become feral, feasting on the elves who walk outside to die when it gets too much. He tells them this has all come about because kids these days want too much, and his staff are forced to work ridiculously long hours, polluting the environment and sinking deeper into misery and despair.

Cue another musical number in which Santa and his elves complain that Christmas is killing them. Santa then collapses, and while he’s being cared for Brian and Stewie deliver the presents, taking the sleigh. Would anyone like to hazard a guess as to whether this all works out according to plan? Of course they crash, the reindeer stuck up a tree and pretty soon they’re, well, murdering a family to cover their tracks. Ah, Christmas! Don’t you just love it? Having completely failed to do the job, Brian and Stewie instead present Santa, frail and ill in a wheelchair and hooked up to IVs, on the news, and explain how everyone’s incessant and greedy demands at Christmas for more, more more is killing him, and ask everyone to restrict their list to one present a year, in order to save Santa Claus.

One year later…

Santa’s village is back to how it should be, the elves are, well, human again and Santa is hale and hearty. Everyone gets just one present and is happy about it, and all is well.

Notes

As explained in the intro, this is a really excellent Family Guy Christmas episode, which is really a feat, considering the dross they’ve served up over the years. But it’s mostly - well, let’s be honest, it’s all on the back of that partnership that continues to keep the Family Guy franchise lurching along when it should have been put down years ago. With a “Road” movie to buttress this story, it’s a whole different, er, story. There’s a real feel of Christmas about it, from the opening Hollywood-style titles to the songs and the setting at the North Pole, and the climactic ending, but there’s enough madness thrown in to make sure you never forget this is, after all, Family Guy you’re watching.

The industrialisation of Santa’s Village is harrowing and well done, the mutant/retard elves clever and the feral reindeer a nice touch, while Stewie and Brian’s attempts to take over the Christmas delivery have hilarious and indeed terrifying consequences (Stewie: “Let’s be honest, Brian. This is no longer a Christmas delivery, it’s a home invasion!”) providing nearly - nearly - as much blood and gratuitous violence as the American Dad episode. Thank Christ Peter is only peripherally involved in this episode, as he really would have ruined it, though I don’t get the reason Seth's father (yeah apparently it really is him) had to introduce and narrate the episode. Probably just wanted to feature. He doesn’t add anything to it, other than the expected crude jokes.

The crash of the big rig and the subsequent road accident, the trek across the snow on the snowmobile, the winking David Boreanaz in the sky, all classic FG tropes and Brian’s struggle to try to let Stewie down gently over the non-existence of Santa, hit upside the head when he realises he has been wrong, shows the depth of feeling between the two - well, mostly from Brian’s side, who doesn’t want to shatter the kid’s illusions but can see no other way of dissuading him from taking the long trip. Quagmire’s contempt for Brian also comes in here, when he cuts the line for Santa and inadvertently ends up traumatising his niece, a cancer patient. There’s also time for cameos from a few well-known characters, including Seamus, the doctor, Mayor West and Bruce to name but a few.

But there are as usual questions. First off, how did Santa’s elves all suddenly normalise within a year? Or if these are new ones, is it possible for them to breed that much in one year and if so, what happened to the old, mutant ones with the reindeer gone? Were they disposed of somehow? Well okay there’s just that one question. I like the way the doctor elf left to look after Santa looks like a tiny Steve from American Dad.

Without question the best of the (really poor) Family Guy Christmas episodes. If only they left Christmas in the hands of those who know how to do it, and not entrust so much to the fat man, they might have ended up having better ones down the years. Oh well; at least one doesn’t suck.


HAPPY CHRISTMAS FUCKERS! :D

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Some more of the TV I’ve been watching recently, and what I thought (or think) of it.
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The Third Day (Mystery, horror, suspense)

Meh. I was wary of this from the fact that Jude Law is the main protag, but it was getting so many good reviews I thought I’d give it a go. The premise is pretty ludicrous - man trapped on some sort of island by virtue of the road by which it is approached being waterlogged, ie swamped, overnight, forcing him to remain there, for some reason, for days while his wife worries - and the story seems a poor rip-off of movies like Children of the Corn and The Wicker Man. You know the kind of thing: simple folk living apart from society decide for whatever reason that the old gods were best, and the old gods demand sacrifice blah blah. Gave it up after three episodes.

Status: Unknown; possibly self-contained as it’s described as a serial rather than a series. If so, then complete.

Verdict: 4/10
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Vagrant Queen (Science Fiction, dark humour)

Find of the year, so of course they cancelled it. Hip, sexy, funny, topical and irreverent, like an even better Killjoys. Great acting (and bad acting which is so bad it’s great), clever storyline, good aliens, great ships (“We have a doorbell?”) and enough fun to fill a galaxy. Based on the comic series, sadly ended on a cliffhanger and was scrapped. Bastards.

Status: Cancelled

Verdict: 10/10
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Resident Alien (Science Fiction, comedy)

Another real find here. Alien crashlands on Earth with a mission to wipe out humanity. Only one problem: he’s lost the destruction device he needs, and it’s winter so it’s lost in a lake of ice. He’ll have to wait till the ice thaws to find it, and meanwhile he has to pass as a human. Cue mucho hilarity as he tries to fit in, and slowly becomes assimilated into humanity - until one kid sees through his disguise, then cue mucho more hilarity.

Status: New (first season)

Verdict: 9/10
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The Bridge (Crime, drama, mystery)

Most of you probably know about this series from Scandinavia. I did, too, having heard a lot about it, but I kept waiting for it to restart so I could watch it from the beginning, which I felt was essential if I was to enjoy it properly. I was right, as it happens. Four seasons of unremitting gritty crime drama, and an amazing lead character. Highly recommended.

Status: Finished

Verdict: 10/10
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The Valhalla Murders (Crime, drama, mystery)

Set against the starkly beautiful backdrop of Iceland, this series carefully handles the idea of child abuse and the use of authority in a senstive way. A great story which seems to have resolved quickly, until you find it hasn’t. Very enjoyable.

Status: Finished (I think)

Verdict: 9/10
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Younger (Comedy. romance)

Yeah. I was on a hiding to nothing with this one, and I knew it but gave it a shot. Woman tries to return to work at age 40 after having brought her daughter up, finds the world has changed and nobody’s interested. Stretching a suspension of disbelief almost to breaking point, she passes for 26 and suddenly everyone wants to hire her. But what of her - really - 26-year old new boyfriend? How does she get around to telling him he’s sleeping with someone who could be his mother, or at least his aunt? And how does she fit in at her age into a world of dizzy twenty-somethings whose biggest worry is how many followers they have on Twitter or Facebook or some damn thing? And does anyone care? Not me. I gave it three, four episodes, then went grumbling back to the old folks home. Kids these days, don’t know they’re born etc.

Oh, and I see it ran for - count ‘em - SEVEN seasons! Jesus!

Status: New

Verdict: 4/10
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What We Do in the Shadows (Horror, Comedy)

Based on the movie, the series just makes it better. The story of three hapless vampires sharing a house who do not get on very well, and who find adjusting to life in the twenty-first century hard to say the least. Lots of laughs, and some decent storylines.

Status: Renewed for third season

Verdict: 10/10
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Monsignor Renard (War, drama)

Four-part series following the return of a priest to war-torn France where he tries to keep his flock safe while still tentatively helping the Resistance against the occupying Nazi force. It’s good, and John Thaw in the title role is excellent, but it needed to be longer. Storylines begun tend to peter out and suddenly you’re looking at the end credits for the final episode and thinking is that it? Yep, it is. That’s all she wrote, folks.

Status: Finished

Verdict: 8/10
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Devils (Drama, high finance, conspiracy)

It’s always the problem with shows that focus on the workings of Wall Street - hard to understand the basic concepts, though to be fair the writers here do explain some things. A decent mystery/conspiracy which has definitely legs for a second season, which has been greenlit. An Italian production, but not too much in the way of subtitles - most of it is in English.

Status: Renewed for second season

Verdict: 8/10

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The Serpent (Crime, drama)

Based on the real-life story of serial killer Charles Sobhraj, who murdered backpackers and students in Asia, taking their identities. Good to see Jenna Coleman (Dr. Who/Victoria) in the role of a bad girl, and is she one bad girl! Also stars Ellie Bamber (Les Miserables/The Trial of Christine Keeler) and Tim McInnerney (Black Adder).

Status: Finished

Verdict: 8/10
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Quiz (Drama)

The story of the creation of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire, and its most famous scandal, when Major Charles Ingram was helped cheat his way to a million. Stars Matthew MacFayden (Spooks/Succession/The Pillars of the Earth), Mark Bonnar (Shetland, Casualty, Line of Duty) and Michael Sheen.

Status: Finished

Verdict: 10/10
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For Life (Drama, Legal, prison)

Another one based on a true story, the life of Isaac Wright Jr who was wrongly convicted and imprisoned, but used his time inside to gain a law degree and successfully prosecuted the case for his own retrial and release. Full of twists and turns and in no way predictable, gritty and powerful and with the not inconsiderable figure of 50 Cent behind it, series was renewed for a second season.

Status: Renewed for season two

Verdict: 10/10
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The Feed (Science Fiction)

Interesting idea and quite topical, in a world where everyone is constantly plugged into to the Feed, a social networking and communications platform. But some people are being co-opted by something in the Feed, made kill and a dark secret begins to emerge. Clever stuff. Still watching this at the moment.

Status: New

Verdict: Not finished yet but will be at least 8 or 9/10

And then there are the ones I have recorded but have yet to watch. These include

Bates Motel (Crime. Horror, drama)

Based on Psycho. Saw bits of this years ago and now it’s restarting so I am interested to watch it.

A Discovery of Witches (Fantasy, horror, drama)

I know little about this despite having seen some promos, but basically it’s seems to be about, hmm, witches. Currently in its second season.


State of Happiness (Drama)

Norwegian drama which follows, so far as I can see, the fortunes of one small town in Stavanger when the oil companies pull out after having failed to find oil.

Bloodlands (Crime, drama)

No idea but seems to be a police procedural about a cop who has to face his past? Just started so I’ll be waiting till I have some more episodes before giving it a shot.

Zerozerozero (Crime, drama)

From the makers of Gomorrah. Sold on that one line alone.

Trapped (Crime, drama)

Seems to be about a politician who survives an attempt on his life. Another Icelandic drama, though this is season two and I haven’t seen season one.

Secret Bridesmaids’ Business (Drama)

No idea. The blurb says “An unexpected wedding proposal brings three best friends together, until a series of secrets are uncovered and a dangerous obsession begins to spiral out of control.”

The Outpost (Science Fiction)

I have yet to watch an episode of this and it’s now on its third season. Every clip I see looks intriguing though.

Bad Banks (Crime, drama)

Again, no idea. “Successful junior banker Jana’s world collapses when she is dismissed without notice, but gets one last chance”. Hmm.

Briarpatch (Crime, drama)

Inspector returns to her home town to search for her sister’s killer.

The Terror (Horror, drama)

Apparently based on a real story, seems to take place somewhere in the Arctic Circle or somewhere?

Damien (Horror, drama)

Man realises he is the Antichrist. That's the kind of thing that can ruin your whole day!

World on Fire (War, drama)

Translator helps his Polish liver flee Warsaw as the Nazis close in


The Undoing (Drama)

Seems to be some sort of family secret thing? Getting great reviews anyway.

Trickster (Science Fiction)

Some sort of teen magical/supernatural ****. Was slated for a second season, apparently, but then was cancelled.

Guilt (Drama, dark comedy)

Built around two brothers who, heading home one night kill and old man. Hmm.

Trackers (Drama, espionage)

“Cape Town’s Presidential Bureau of Intelligence launches an investigation into a terrorist plot, while a shadowy smuggling plot gets underway.”

Evil (Horror. drama)

Kind of an X-Files thing it would appear, though with Demons. So maybe not so much X-Files as Supernatural? SuperXNatural Files? Renewed for a second season anyhoo.

Hey, TH. Is this something like Quiz Show (1994). Your review makes me want to watch that again. But I'll give Quiz a go first. I highly recommend the Redford flick, though.

It's possible. I've never seen Quiz Show. I know WWTBAM is huge here and got huge in the US, and then this actually happened; a guy - well a syndicate - cheated their way to a million pounds and there was a court case. The thing about this is that it shows the idea behind the show, how it was created, how it started, how much opposition there was in the beginning to it, how it changed and how easy (apparently) it was to cheat. It's only in three parts but very much worth watching.