Hiding Behind the Sofa: Trollheart Revisits Classic Doctor Who
 

https://cdn.w600.comps.canstockphoto...sp19004683.jpg
Hiding Behind the Sofa:
Trollheart Revisits Classic Doctor Who

Yeah, more likely due to the poor acting, awful stories and terrible effects, than being afraid, which I never experienced. The only monster that ever even slightly scared me was The Green Death, and that was mostly because they looked like, well, mobile penises. That’s enough to scare anyone! But Daleks? Loved them. Cybermen? Kinda cute really. None of the other aliens/monsters gave me any sleepless nights nor sent me diving behind our sofa (couch I guess to you Americans) - after all, the vast majority of them were just people running around with bits of plaster stuck to their skin, badly-fashioned scales or feathers, and probably a rubber mask bought on sale at Woolworths. Ask yer da. So no, I was never scared, not even slightly, of Doctor Who, original and of course never the new one, as I’m now too old to be frightened by - what was that? Oh Jesus! Let me just… turn on this extra light and get my phone dialling nine-nine-...

Nah. I remember in Space:1999 there was a pretty graphic scene of a guy being burned to death, and it stayed with me for a while. Something about an alien that drew people in like a weird space siren and then toasted them up, sucking out whatever it wanted and throwing back the charred corpse. THAT was scary. Even recently, having rewatched it, yeah, I could feel a chill, and I did remark that it was pretty heavy for what would have been (erroneously) considered a kids’ programme, and broadcast therefore well before the watershed. But Doctor Who? Can I think of one monster, alien or creature who has scared me in the entire series run from 1963 till now? No. Other than as mentioned, and I wasn't really scared of them, just a little repulsed.
https://media3.giphy.com/media/xT9DP...OpAA/giphy.gif
All that being said, I was very young when Doctor Who was broadcast on the BBC at teatimes, probably about seven or eight (it began in reality when I was born, only four months later in fact) and looking back the first Doctor I recall watching is Jon Pertwee, so we’re talking 1970/71 or thereabouts, making me about eight, so yeah. At that age, I cared not too much for story and acting: I was just watching it because at the time we had four channels - RTE (Radio Telefis Eireann, our local Irish national television station), BBC 1, BBC 2 and UTV (Ulster Television, from up the North) - so your choices were limited. I’ve spoken of this before. As a kid then, you would watch anything that was vaguely interesting but which you might not normally be into, such as Daktari (about, if I recall properly, and I probably don’t, an African vet maybe?) or Bearcats, which I seem to remember having something to do with fast cars, or even Cade’s County, which had some sort of vague Texas Ranger idea. I don’t remember these shows, it’s just as if there’s a vague impression left of them, like that afterimage you get when you close your eyes really tightly.

But being a science fiction nerd even at this young age, anything set in space, on other planets, with aliens or monsters appealed to me, and so Doctor Who was right up my street, alongside shows like Star Trek (duh) and Logan’s Run, and later Blake’s Seven. The point though is that I remember very little if anything from the episodes I watched, and I know for sure I didn't see any of the earlier Doctors at all. I also know that it’s the general consensus that the early seasons were laughably bad, and maybe not even in the so-bad-it’s-good vein, I don’t know. But I feel there may be some struggle involved here.

Which is why I’m not approaching this in any sort of serious way.
https://media3.giphy.com/media/bBUQPfg7l5kAM/200.gif
With apologies to those who revere early or Classic Who, I’m doing this so I can basically slag it off. There will be no reviews - the plot, if there is one (and I’m reliably informed for many episodes it could be argued there was not) will get the briefest of mentions, but what I’ll be looking for will be giggles. Terrible costumes, awful dialogue, incomprehensible story lines, laughable aliens and so on. I’ll be seriously (yeah) considering the set design and effects, and busting a gut over how serious the actors are taking what is now seen as pretty much a joke, notwithstanding that it led to a pretty successful worldwide phenomenon. I have no wish to be disrespectful to the franchise, but hell, I am going to rip the piss out of it when and if and as often as it deserves it.

My plan is to go from season one, episode one and do one a week. I’m not really opting for more than that, as I have a very full dance card as everyone knows, and I don’t want to rush this or get to the point where it becomes a job instead of something I enjoy. If - and I feel it’s a big if - or even when there are good points to be noted I will not pass them over; I’m not out to ridicule the show (well, not all that much) and when or if it can show me that, wow, someone really thought about space physics here or someone considered how an alien race would develop, or even someone actually put thought into the costumes/aliens/landscape/whatever you’re having yourself, I will talk about it. I may even, if I feel like it, seriously discuss aspects of the show, such as its genesis. Depends on how things go I guess.

But mostly I feel I’ll be laughing, groaning, rolling my eyes and acting my usual smartass self.

Okay let’s go. There’s a geriatric waiting on set for stagehands to make his wooden police box travel through time. I don't give much for their chances, to be honest.

Note: As anyone following Doctor Who, even now, knows, most of the episodes were - and to some extent still are - part of an overall story, or as the BBC liked to call them, serials. This led to some potentially good cliff-hangers and the iconic screech that presaged the end of that episode, as we’d all gasp and wonder what would happen next week (shows were always, but always, back at this time shown once a week, no repeats or downloads, so you were left waiting seven days). Therefore I will be noting both the name of the episode and the serial it fits into.

Further note: in the collection I downloaded there is an unaired pilot, but as it was never seen on TV, for now I’m going to ignore it. I may check it out at some point, I may not, but in general I want to start where it all began, as the show was broadcast to a somewhat shocked and shaken TV audience who had just heard the terrible news about the American President’s death.

https://horrornews.net/wp-content/up...03-660x330.jpg

Title of episode: “An Unearthly Child”
Title of Serial: An Unearthly Child

Part: 1 of 4
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companion(s): Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright
Written by: Anthony Coburn and C.E. Webber
Original air date: November 23 1963

Okay, it’s good to hear the original scary (!) theme, which has been diluted over the decades and now just sounds, well, like a theme tune. But back then it was spooky, eerie and otherworldly, and you were left in no doubt as to what was coming up. Like the theme to The Onedin Line, Star Trek or Kojak, the music that identified a TV show was often your first indication that the show was starting, as you might be outside making tea or just coming in from school, or making your way back in from the garden after burying the body of the latest teenage girl you had - what? You didn’t? But I thought everyone… ? No? Ah. I… see. Well in that case, forget what I said. No, no: look into this light.
https://c.tenor.com/G01HjYj1r1oAAAAM...n-in-black.gif

Now, where was I? Oh yes. Burying the - NO! No, no no. Can you just look again… thanks.
https://c.tenor.com/G01HjYj1r1oAAAAM...n-in-black.gif

Theme tunes. Yes. Definitely. Quite exciting to hear the first lonely notes of Star Trek or the thump-thump of Black Beauty, or the country jamboree that heralded the start of the Dukes of Hazzard, and when you heard Woo-woo! WOO-Woo! Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!” you knew the Doctor was in the house. Sorry.

But back to this first episode, which as you can see above is part one of a four-part serial, this episode carrying the title of the serial. A refugee from Dixon of Dock Green sets the scene and the pattern for most episodes in at least season one, if what I’m told is true, as he wanders around confused and lost in a thick London particular, or fog. He’s probably wondering how he stumbled onto this set, where the robbers in the stripy jumpers are with their bags of swag slung over their shoulder, and whether or not he should be calling and asking where Car 54 is. If you don’t get any of that, I hate you, as you’re too young. Eventually something emerges out of the fog; it’s a gate, and again with a sense of unintentional irony, it announces the presence of a scrap merchant. The gate swings open, though it’s not clear as to whether our intrepid copper has pushed it open, or if he’s buggered off to see if he can cadge a cup of tea from a neighbour in exchange for a few rounds of “Evenin’ all.” Shut up; I said you’re too young. Go look it up.

Behind this gate, anyway, we find a police box. Nothing odd about that, you say. Oh, you don’t say? You know all about it do you? Well why aren’t you writing this, smartarse? Yeah, obviously this is the famous TARDIS, the first time anyone has seen it, and to be fair, it is kind of odd that it’s in a scrap merchant’s yard, although I suppose it could have been brought in there by Steptoe and Son (if I have to explain one more time that you’re too young there’ll be ears getting clipped, my lad. Oh give me strength! It’s an old phrase that… you know what? Forget it. Just be quiet and listen, maybe you’ll learn something) but at any rate there it stands. Oh look! Poor old C.E. Webber doesn’t get a credit, as the, um, credits come up. I see Anthony Coburn wrote the rest of it, parts two, three and four, so maybe he felt that as he was doing the lion’s share of the writing Mr. Webber could just **** off. Or maybe the BBC didn’t have the budget to show two writers. Or they wanted to pretend it didn’t take two people to write this trash. Or they imagined the kids wouldn’t care, which I guess they didn’t.
https://whobackwhen.com/wp-content/u...hobackwhen.jpg
Scene change, and we’re at school, where we meet a scientist, possibly but probably not mad, who is the first to speak, thereby I guess making history as being, you know, the first actual voice we hear on the first episode of the show. The cop either wasn’t paid to talk or decided his superiors would take a dim view of it, but in reality there was nobody to talk to, and a cop talking to himself might work well down at Dock Green, but up here in London that sort of thing can get you transferred to the Vehicle Licencing Department in Swansea, where you’ll spend the best years of your career stamping permits and trying to avoid close-harmony male voice choirs, and where every customer begins their request with “Look you.” The scientist looks like he ended up there due to his mind having been so much on weighty subjects that he wandered in there by accident, and has been so embarrassed that he hasn’t been able to find his way out, and has had to become a teacher to cover up. He’s talking to another teacher, and between them they fill in the details every avid kid viewer couldn’t give a curse about. Get to the aliens! Give us monsters! And for the older ones, the girls in the short skirts please! What do you mean, this isn’t Star Trek?

The upshot of their, to be fair, reasonable conversation is that one student, a Susan Foreman, is known to be a genius at history and science (the science teacher says she knows more about it than him) and lives at home with her grandfather, but the other teacher, a woman, says that when she went to talk to him there was nothing at the address except… an old junk yard. Hey, nice connection! Give us monsters! Yeah yeah, cool yer jets kids. We’re getting there. Possibly. The two teachers decide to shadow Susan home, as the male teacher is convinced the “poor silly woman” got the address wrong, one has to make allowances for these feather-headed fillies, you know, oh yes, dear me, forget their own pretty little heads if they weren’t tightly screwed. Er, on. Yes. On. Screwed on. Rather. Ahem. Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

Anyway off they go, having given Susan a book on the French Revolution, rather imaginatively titled The French Revolution, which she reads and says to herself “That isn’t right!” She of course ends up at the scrap yard, and Mr. Science Teacher has to admit that, dash it, the gel may have been right after all! How extraordinary! Still, doubtless it’s nothing a chap can’t figure out, with our superior brains and our sensible suits and haircuts, and perhaps a pipe on occasion. As the intrepid pair follow the unsuspecting Susan into the junk yard, the female teacher (neither have been named; I’m not being lazy here) shivers that she feels a sense of foreboding, that they are about to interfere in something best left alone. “Don’t you feel it?” she asks her opposite number, who sadly doesn’t quip “How could I, my dear? I’m in front of you! Besides, I am a gentleman!”

Ok, now they’ve been named. She’s Miss Wright (ah now! Seriously?) and he’s Mr. Chesterton. More unintentional hilarity and innuendo for me when, having discovered the police box, Chesterton places his palm on the wood and exhorts Miss Wright to “Feel it!” She then talks about vibrations, oh ho ho, all good clean fun, but not for those of us with warped minds in need of a deep clean. Chesterton then uses the old Frankenstein quote and gasps “It’s alive!” Quite why he says this about a wooden box is beyond me. I could understand maybe “it’s live”, barely, but “it’s alive?” Weird, and just does not sit right. About to go and “find a policeman” (wonder if that wandering copper has finished his tea and Digestive biscuits down at number seven yet?) the two suddenly hide as they hear a coughing, and out from the police box emerges the man who will make history as the very first Doctor, William Hartnell, sounding like he should be sealed up in a wooden box all right, but horizontally. Definitely a touch of the vampire about him. Susan's voice calls out to her grandfather, to nobody’s surprise, given the tell-don’t-show conversation between the two teachers earlier.
https://m0vie.files.wordpress.com/20...rthlychild.jpg
Showing perhaps admirable courage, although then again this is an old man, so hardly likely to fell them with a Kung-Fu kick, which has not been invented yet (or not known in the west, which for us is the same thing of course), the two teachers stride purposely forward and demand to know where Susan is. They believe her voice came from within the box, but the old man rejects their suggestions and basically tells them to **** off, sixties style. A younger man might get a threat of a “bunch of fives”, but no strong fit young science teacher is going to hit an old guy, so the obvious thing to do is, as Miss Wright suggested earlier, get a policeman. They’re going to spoil his tea, they are.

Oh. No they’re not. Have another Digestive, Constable. Susan, worried about her grandfather, opens the door and the two teachers shoulder their way in (well, he shoulders his way in and she tags along) to find - gasp! Some sort of spaceship! Right. We will say it once, and then never speak of it again. Ready? Together then. One, two, three… “It’s bigger inside than outside!” Yes of course it is. Decent enough set really, given that it was basically thrown together at the last minute as a way to get the producers off the designer’s back so he could concentrate on more important stuff. Miss Wright betrays an annoying sense of matter-of-factness, seeming to brush off the whole idea of, you know, there being a spaceship inside a wooden police box, more concerned with who Susan’s grandfather is and that she lives here. It’s a tad unconvincing and just a little too stiff-upper-lip-don’t-let-the-side-down British really.
https://www.silverpetticoatreview.co...thly-child.jpg
Susan is the one to first use the now-famous acronym, one she coined, telling her teachers the police box is a TARDIS, and can move through time and space. Not surprisingly, they find this hard to believe, but the irascible old grandfather, the Doctor who has not yet been called that, grins and says he knew they wouldn’t understand. Turns out they’re both aliens (duh), Susan and her grandfather, exiles from their home planet. Hey! If he’s a timelord does that make her a timelady? Or being young, is she more a timegirl? Hmm. She’s very excitable, which I suppose complements the calm, unbothered air of the Doctor who (sorry) has not yet been called that. At least while Chesterton runs around saying it can’t be true, Miss Wright is a little more rational, saying that Susan and her grandfather are “playing a game”, which is marginally better I guess. But now the Doctor has decided neither of these two can leave with his secret, and they must die.

Or, you know, become his companions along with Susan. Either is good I guess. And so, with some very dodgy effects which sort of look like someone spilled paint down the screen, we’re off! Off to a new world of wonders and terrors. Or, well, to the go-to location for the BBC: a disused quarry. And we have just enough left in the budget to have an unpaid stagehand walk across the sand and throw his elongated shadow in as menacing a way as possible (not very) before the next episode kicks in. Can we stand the suspense?
https://c.tenor.com/iprk363OvbIAAAAM...rack-obama.gif

A “newbie”’s thoughts

Sure, I know Doctor Who but as I said at the start, I’m very much clueless when it comes to anything prior to the Pertwee era, and even then, I only remember the odd snatch of story from the odd episode. After Baker I think I gave it up - I certainly don’t recall much about Davison, McCoy and certainly not the other Baker - so I’m sort of in uncharted territory here, and am almost, but not quite, looking on this as my first real experience with Classic Who. And what do I think of my first run-in with the timelord?

Well, surprisingly, while I’m not exactly impressed I’m not completely laughing at this either. Not yet anyway. The basic script holds together well, and while the acting could be a little less, well, British I guess, that was the sixties so what can you expect? In an era when Kojak would be grinning “Who (no connection) loves ya, baby?” and Mannix would be, well, doing whatever Mannix was doing, British cop shows would still feature the calm, polite bobby who trod his beat in shows like the already-mentioned Dixon of Dock Green and Z Cars. It’s just how the British are, and the BBC was always aware of maintaining standards.

Characterwise, what do I think? Susan is highly excitable, perhaps a good caricature of a sixties English schoolgirl, though I was surprised to find out she was an alien (Gallifreyan, I assume), believing the title “grandfather” for Hartnell was merely honorific, or a way to legitimise the otherwise perhaps odd relationship between an old man and a young girl. She comes across as impatient, precocious and the kind of girl you might be tempted to give a slap to, but I’m sure I’ll get to know her better as the episodes and seasons wind on. It’s interesting to see that this is, to my - admittedly flawed and basic - knowledge, the only time the Doctor has had more than one Companion, certainly the only time before the reboot when he has three. That was intriguing.

Do I think the idea of a schoolgirl being forced to take along her teachers on her adventures is a good idea? I most certainly do not, and I can see many instances developing where the two adults - once they get their bearings, or space/time legs I guess - try to lay down the law and teach Susan how she should behave. Many disapproving tsks on the way, methinks! But we’ll see. As for Hartnell, well, I am surprised to find that originally the show’s creator wanted the character of the Doctor to be an adversarial one, a man who was against all science and invention and wanted to destroy the future. Hmm. That could have been interesting. Of course, I guess they later addressed this through the Doctor’s eternal nemesis, the Master.

As for Hartnell himself, I think here his character works. He’s an irascible, impatient old man who has little time to explain things and has a very superior attitude towards the two teachers. He shows some guile though, when he pretends, near the end of the episode, that he is in fact letting the two go - and with them, Susan too - but then slams the TARDIS into drive, as it were, and off they all go, unwilling participants (well, two of them anyway) in the Doctor’s adventures. Sneaky! His manner is a little irritating; very supercilious and very condescending, but sort of consistent with older people when dealing with younger, a sort of half-jealousy of their youth mixed with a healthy disregard for all the things they don’t know and he does. Whether this attitude will wear thin as the show goes on I don’t know, but it is perhaps telling that of all the Doctors, Hartnell was the oldest; after this they went with younger men, and still do. Other than one woman, but she’s young too. You know what I mean. And there’s John Hurt of course, but that gets us somewhat off the track.

As an opening (pilot I guess, as the original was, as I said, not aired) episode, it sets things up nicely and does give you a feeling of wanting to know where this will go, though I feel that it only goes back in time to the Stone Age or somewhere. Could be wrong about that, but we’ll see. Initially conceived, I believe, as a sort of aid to history for kids, a fun way to learn about the past, it might very well be that the story and plot took second place to facts and figures, and dates and places to be taught. Again, I guess we’ll see.

Diagnosing the Doctor

Given that I’m, as I said, very unfamiliar with about ninety percent of the Doctors, this is where I will give my initial, and later ongoing assessment of each. As this is only the first episode there’s not a lot I can say, and yet there is, so let’s get to it. Time’s a-wastin’. Sorry.
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikiped...tor_Who%29.jpg
FIRST DOCTOR - WILLIAM HARTNELL

As I mentioned, the first Doctor is also the oldest, as after this the idea of I guess a father-figure would be somewhat dropped, to allow, I suppose, young people to connect more with the Doctor himself rather than the Companion(s), as it was probably originally envisaged they would, or would be directed to do. I know of Hartnell, of course (who doesn’t?) but only as a vague, old-guy figure. I’ve never seen any of his work, perhaps the odd cameo in new Who if he made any, but basically nothing. So when he appears on screen it’s almost like some old tramp trying to steal the TARDIS (which is ironic, as we later learn, or it is built up in the mythology of the show, that the Doctor did in fact half-inch the time machine from his home planet and basically went joyriding the spatial and temporal waves with it), looking quite suspicious, the sort of person that were you to find him hanging around a junk yard would indeed have you running for the nearest beat bobby. Not that he looks dangerous, as such, but you might think he had wandered away from an old folks’ home.

His character, here anyway - I believe it changes as the season unfolds - is one of a man who is used to both getting what he wants and doing what he likes, and answering to nobody. He is very curt and condescending, even insulting to the two teachers, refusing to answer any questions and laughing at their attempts to try to understand what it is they have stumbled upon. He is, at least, grandfatherly towards his niece, though it must also be said that he is, or seems to be, or pretends to be, willing to dump her in order to keep his secret. This turns out to be a ruse, but still. He’s not someone used to, or willing to giving explanations, and seems impatient and frustrated, like a savant trying to think down to a normal person’s level. He is most annoyed to find intruders in the TARDIS, but his solution to this is weird. I suppose (as we’ll find out, or I will anyway) the idea is to show them that this is all real, and not some trick. This will, of course, become a sort of modus operandi for the Doctor, as after all, showing is better than telling, and it’s hard to deny the existence of time travel, however difficult it may be to accept it, when you find yourself in ancient Rome or where(when?)ever.

You would have to say that on first viewing, and if you knew nothing about the show and its characters, the Doctor is not a nice person. He’s not someone you’re going to root for, someone you’re going to like, someone in whose company you would want to be. In fact, the idea of being stuck in a spaceship (alright: space/timeship) with an old git like that would not be on the top of anyone’s wish list. Later Doctors would be - slightly - more approachable, but the timelord would always betray a certain impatience and a sense of tolerance towards his Companions, treating them, as I mentioned elsewhere, more really as pets than equals, which of course they’re not. Equals, that is. Technically, they’re not pets either, but this seems to me to be the best characterisation of the relationship between the Doctor and those who accompany him in the TARDIS.

Back to Hartnell though. Some of his logic is, to say the least, specious. He rambles on about how it is seen to be impossible to fit a larger building within a small one, comparing this to seeing a picture of a larger building on TV, which to me is missing the point completely and does not in any way prove his case. But he also gives the impression he’s just throwing out various ideas to show how insignificant he regards humans (remember: Susan, his first Companion, is not human, so Chesterton and Wright qualify as the first of our species to travel with him in the TARDIS), and that he really doesn’t care whether they believe him, understand the principles, or just **** off and leave him alone. I think - not sure but I think - we see him use the sonic screwdriver for the first time, when he closes the door of the TARDIS, but other than that he seems just a crazy old man. No wonder they think he’s lost it, and has dragged their student (who surely is definitely human and not at all from another planet) into his fantasy.

As I mentioned, the original idea was for the Doctor to be, well, evil, and I think in this Hartnell embodies the characteristics and moral attitude that best illustrate this original Doctor. He has no love for humanity (that will come later) and no desire to stay here other than that his granddaughter has chosen to live here and made a home for herself. In fact, the only real personal or emotional tie to the planet is Susan, and without her it’s quite likely he would be just as happy living in the ninth century or on Boron XXIV or hanging out at the western fringes of the Horsehead Nebula. The idea of the Doctor protecting Earth, being its champion, won’t, I expect, come till much later, and possibly with new regenerations of the character.

For this first episode though, and the introduction of William Hartnell as the Doctor, I would have to say I’m not impressed. I don’t like him, I don’t understand him and I certainly don’t empathise with him. Let’s see if that changes over time. Sorry.

Currently, after one episode which is admittedly not much to base a character assessment on, my score is

Doctor: First (William Hartnell) - S01E01 - 10/100

https://i.postimg.cc/hvqrLkpq/image-...-184021661.png

Title of episode: “The Cave of Skulls”
Title of Serial: An Unearthly Child
Part: 2 of 4
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companion(s): Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright
Written by: Anthony Coburn
Original air date: November 30 1963

Oh dear. With a title like that, you’re not really expecting a lot, are you? Probably wise. A strange-looking dude who reminds me of Nicholas Lyndhurst if he hadn’t shaved or washed for about a month watches the appearance of the TARDIS, but seems to be thinking “How the fuck did I get roped into this trash?” more than “What is this strange box with surely godlike beings whom I should worship?” Cut to, well, a cave, where, as you might expect, cavemen and cavewomen seem to be performing some sort of ritual, rather worryingly with a bone of questionable origin. They seem quite put out: I wonder if the guy leading the ceremony is some sort of caveman witch doctor? Witch doctor? That one, there, in camera shot. Sorry, had to do it. I know, I know. Okay, looks like head cave guy is only trying to make fire - which seems to be forbidden, by who I don’t know - but as he gets increasingly agitated and rubs two bones together (who said cavemen were poor?) and grunts, his hands moving rapidly, it all looks decidedly dodgy, so much so that a child in the crowd turns away with an uneasy look. Or maybe he’s just going to have a long and frank talk with his agent. What, after all, is wrong with an ad for beans, or washing-up liquid?

I suppose for literary purposes (to use the term very generously) all the cavepeople speak perfect English, so no trying to decipher grunts or making shadow animals for the Doctor and his companions when they meet them, I guess. Head cave guy - his name could be Za, maybe - seems to be having no luck making fire, though he has a brilliant idea: to shout at the wood. The wood, however, is not impressed and remains completely unburned. Well it was worth a try. The old woman who is laughing at his attempts to make fire - well, not laughing: none of these people seem particularly happy, but then, I guess if you had to spend your time in a freezing cave avoiding Wooly Mammoths and Sabre-Toothed Tigers, you wouldn't be too jolly either - seems to either know the secret but be unwilling to share it with him, or pretends she does. Either way, it’s pretty clear our Za thinks she’s a bitch, as he rants “You should have died with him,” possibly meaning his father, if anyone cares, which I don’t, nor I’m sure do you.
https://archivetvmusings.files.wordp...ulls.jpg?w=700
Now there’s some mention of a Kal, who one of the other cave beauties (!) warns Za may be after his job, as she says “the leader is the one who makes fire.” Oh great. You can just see the election campaign for Cave No. 34997 now, can’t you? “Vote for me, Kal, and I will rub the bones together like you wouldn't believe! Hey, I may not actually make fire, but I tell you what, I won’t fucking talk to it like my opponent, Za does!” Meanwhile, in the TARDIS, where fire has been mastered for ever so long, the Doctor and his Companions try to figure out where the hell they are. Seems in the early days - and for quite a while, if I remember the little I did see as a kid - putting the TARDIS in drive was a lottery: there was and is no way to predict or control where or when it will go, and the Doctor is rather bemused when his calendar readout says 0. Oh for the love of Daleks! He calls it a “yearometer”! Come on, BBC! I know the budget was about three ham sandwiches and a can of fizzy pop, but you could have come up with a better name than that! Even chronometer would have been better. Era meter? Hell, time tracker would do. Year-fucking-ometer? Jesus.

Quite a clever line here, when Chesterton calls the Doctor by Susan’s name, assuming his to be the same. “Dr. Foreman” he says, and the Doctor responds with “Hmm? Doctor who?” Classy. Anyway Chesterton is still not convinced, thinking it all a trick, while Wright seems to be more inclined to believe, um, her own eyes. The Doctor invites them all outside as he goes to collect soil samples, the better to determine what era they are in. Even so, faced with an alien landscape (well, one from Earth’s distant past. All right then, a disused quarry! Happy now?) Ian still cannot bring himself to credit it. The Doctor tsks that the TARDIS has remained as a police box, when it should have changed to blend in with its surroundings, something we know today is achieved by the chameleon circuit, which has never worked. While he’s digging in the sand of the disused quarry sorry ancient Earth soil, the Doctor is observed by our mate Za from the cave.
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/ef/21...e17bb33d63.jpg

Incidentally, if you're thinking all these pictures look basically the same, you're right, and it underlines how boring and slow an episode this is. Mostly it features a bunch of second-rate actors talking in a cave. Gripping.

What’s weird to me is that from the moment they exited the TARDIS there has been the cry of some strange bird in the air - kind of more like someone opening and closing a squeaky hinge really - but none of them have thought to look up into the sky once. I mean, are they thick, or deaf? They find an odd-looking skull and try to identify it, but can’t, as no doubt it’s an animal long extinct in our time. Susan seems to confirm the chameleon circuit has worked but is not working now, but then we’ve only her word for that. Maybe it never worked. Hey, maybe she broke it. Ian finally accepts that there are more things in time and space than are dreamed of in his philosophy, but when they go to rejoin the Doctor, he’s nowhere to be seen. For someone who has surely experienced many adventures with her grandfather, Susan is very hysterical when they can’t find the Doctor. Overacting much? Not doing a lot for the image of the modern, cool and collected woman here, Suzy!

Back caveside, Za has a brilliant idea to solidify his grip on power. “I shall have to spill some blood,” he says, not confirming if he means his own, though that’s doubtful. The redoubtable Kal has brought the Doctor (so I guess it was him watching and not Za; hell, you seen one caveman, you’ve seen them all, right?) whom he saw “making fire” (he was lighting his pipe) and from whom, no doubt, he intends to force the secret. Kal makes his play, setting out his manifesto (“Za rubs his hands and waits for Orb to remember him! Za will give you to the tiger and to the cold!” All right there, Kal: remember the rules of Cave Elections! No deliberate smearing of the opponent, unless it’s with woad). Kal and Za face off, and I don’t think it’s to debate one another on the finer points of stone age living and equal rights for cave women, but then the Doctor wakes up and taking in the situation at a glance, confidently asserts he can make fire for them.

Until he realises, to his horror, that he has lost his matches. Disaster!

This is, I think unintentionally but nevertheless hilarious! A man of power and knowledge such as the Doctor, a man who has - presumably - been from one end of the galaxy to the other and backwards and forwards in time, and he can’t light a fire without matches? Was he never a boy scout? Does he not know about rubbing sticks together, or, as the news announcer in The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy incorrectly put it, “the trick is to bang the rocks together, fellas!” Oh dear. Surely such simple and basic knowledge should be elementary to him, but no: he’s panicking now as he pats his pockets and gasps in horror like a man who has lost his wallet with the winning lottery ticket in it!

Kal is somewhat crestfallen by this unexpected turn of events, which is to say, he desperately grabs the Doctor by the lapels and shakes him, saying “Make fire! Make fire!” with a subtext of “Come on, man! I vouched for you. You’re making me look bad in front of my homies. Not cool!” But our timelord is useless without the power of matches, and so Za decides, in the manner perhaps of the first true politician, to capitalise on his rival’s embarrassing failure to deliver on his promises, and starts bigging himself up. “Za does not say he will do something, and not do it!” he crows, conveniently forgetting (as do they all, with the probable exception of his arch-nemesis Kal) that only a few moments ago he was trying to explain how he couldn’t make fire, which he had promised/boasted he could.

Somewhat ticked off, Kal decides it’s time to ditch the Doctor, who has become rather less than the bonus he had expected in his campaign to be elected cave leader, and this takes the form of, well, killing him. Just then Ian and Barbara rush in, and are immediately taken prisoner. What are Companions for eh? The Doctor admonishes the cave folk that if they kill his Companions (and, presumably, him too) there will be no fire, somewhat, I would have thought, of an empty threat, since he’s already failed to provide this necessity of life, due to the lack of matches. Hasn’t he ever heard of a Zippo by the way, or don’t they use them on Gallifrey? The order is for the intruders to be brought to the Cave of Skulls, which does not sound like a place you would wish to be taken to, but does at least give the episode its title.

And by the way, where in the blue jumping fuck is our intrepid Susan while all this is going on? Still screaming about her grandfather and wishing she had stayed behind and concentrated on her A-Levels? Point of note: the sand, as the Doctor pointed out (when he was a real man and had matches at his disposal, oh how well I remember it!) is cold, and it seems that for some unknown reason the sun is gone from the sky. This is obviously the stone age or one of those times when people dwelled in caves - actually it has to be the stone age; surely fire was discovered if stuff like bronze and iron were in use? - and I don’t recall history ever telling us of the Earth being without sun. Wouldn’t all life die? Perhaps this is just after the extinction of the dinosaurs? But wasn’t that a hell of a long time before we infested the planet with our presence?



An interesting and hilarious exchange between the father of “Za’s woman” (who does not, of course, rate a name, other than “the woman” and Za:

Za: “The woman is mine.”
Woman’s father: “My daughter is for the leader.”
Za: “Yes. The woman is mine.”
Woman’s father: “Ah, you don’t seem to understand, Za. My daughter is for the leader, yes?”
Za: “That’s me.”

Woman’s father: “What we have here is a failure to communicate.”
(Only the first three lines are in the episode; the rest I made up, but they give you a sense that Za is perhaps not quite the sharpest bone tool in the cave).

The daughter seems, as will daughters in centuries and even millennia to come, not to agree with her father. If daddy doesn’t approve of Za, then she wants Za even more.

“Za will be a strong leader of many men,” she says. “If you give me to him he will remember you, and will always give you meat.” (Whether he will give her meat or not now is another… stop that!)

This is both an attempt to convince her father, and a threat. The first part of what she says tells daddy he really had better not piss her boyfriend off, and the second tells him that if he plays nice he need never worry about having to eat again. Win/win. Maybe. Za looks on with the kind of expression of someone who can only be thinking “I do what now?”

Incidentally, spin to 22:52 to see the best actor in this episode. Yes, I know it’s a skeleton in the foreground that does nothing. My point is, I think, succinctly made.

The old woman seems obsessed with killing people, and says fire will kill them all. In this, she proves herself one of the most forward-thinking of her time. Oh look! Susan is with them all in the Cave of Skulls! Where did she come from? Oh well, at least they can all now moan about the fact that they can’t do anything. Hey, is the Doctor in his pyjamas??
https://morbotron.com/meme/S01E01/11...MuCgoKCgoKCgo=

Comments: It’s poor. There’s no doubt about that. But it’s not quite as poor as I thought it would be. It is poor though. You can imagine the programme meeting before the show.
“Can we have some monsters?”
“No way. On your budget? Do me a favour! You’re lucky you have the box, and that’s only available because it’s police surplus!”
“A planet then?”
“How about a disused quarry?”
“Really?”
“Best we can do.”
“Sigh. All right, I guess it’ll have to do. Aliens?”
“I can do you some dodgy actors in a cave. My final offer: take it or leave it.”
Hartnell: “Can I at least have something to wear other than fucking pyjamas?”
“No.”

I don’t get the idea behind the sun not being there. The (sigh) yearometer said zero, so are we at the beginning of recorded time, or is it just as far back as the thing can count? If man is, technically, the dominant species, then the dinos are long gone you would assume, but how is man dominant without his two favourite methods of domination, the wheel and fire? When is this supposed to be? And are these guys the sum total of Earth’s population? If not, if there are other caves, can none of those guys make fire either? Surely Ian would have matches; a fine gentleman like him must surely smoke a pipe?

It in interesting that even here, so far back, when we think of cavemen we naturally assume the second part of that word to be the ones in charge, the men, but here, despite having little real social status, or at least none that is acknowledged, the women seem to be the ones pulling the strings. With typical female guile, they ensure the men do not realise they are being manipulated, but it’s heartening to see a more liberated attitude being practised towards the heat-challenged. The “power struggle” between Kal and Za is just hilarious; each is as useless as the other, neither with more than a brain cell between them. Are we seeing the early beginnings of the Republican Party here?

The rest, other than the father and his daughter, mostly just shuffle around looking like they wish they had not answered the casting call for “Extras for children’s programme on the BBC, must be able to look very dull and stupid, two pounds a day plus lunch in the BBC cafeteria. No blacks or Irish need apply.” They could probably fit in on an episode of The Walking Dead today - oh no wait; those guy know how to emote.

All in all, a pretty poor follow-up to the relatively decent pilot, and I can’t really see it getting much better from here.

Diagnosing the Doctor

If anything, this episode has lowered my regard for Hartnell’s character. It’s not the actor’s fault - you work with what you’re given, as I said before - but here we’re shown that the mysterious Doctor is not anywhere near as confident nor as powerful as we had thought, and as he would like us to think he is. The guy can’t even make fire by rubbing sticks together! What kind of a bloody timelord is he, anyway? Not only that, he can’t control his TARDIS: he has no idea where they are, and the fucking chameleon circuit isn’t working. Again. Unlike future incarnations, he can’t tell at a glance what year they’re in, and has to take soil samples like a common troll. His own arrogance melts away in the superior presence of men who can’t even rustle up a spark, and in terms of defence he’s helpless against, let’s be honest here, a bunch of savages with bone hatchets! Where’s his sonic screwdriver?

As a character, he does very little here. Most of the episode is given over to the scintillating conversation between the cavemen, and to be honest, when he does join the party he doesn’t add much to it. He goes off on his own in his superior way, only to get clonked on the head by a caveman and end up a prisoner. He panics when he can’t find his matches. The Doctor doesn’t panic; hardly knows the meaning of the word! And until they arrive, he doesn’t seem to be worried at all about the fate of his Companions, whose safety, surely, he is responsible for?

Nah, after that poor performance I re-evaluate my view of him to

Doctor: First (William Hartnell) - S01E02 - 3/100

(Note: scores are NOT cumulative. They will most likely change - hopefully for the better - but will not be added together)

Charting the Companion(s)

But what about his sidekicks? How are they doing? Well, from the first, Susan gave me the impression of an excitable, annoying girl who was hanging on to her grandfather’s coat-tails and, though supposedly very intelligent, did little to show it. This episode does nothing to convince me she’s anything special, and in fact her hysterics lose her points.

Ian is still blundering around saying “this can’t be happening!” while Barbara is far more practical, accepting that yes, it’s fantastic and weird and hard to credit, but it obviously has happened. She loses points though for her “damsel in distress” routine in the cave, when one of them reinforces his people’s stereotype and literally carries her screaming over his shoulder. Ian’s not a lot better to be honest. I’d have to say nobody covers themselves with glory here.

Susan: 3/100
Ian: 4/100
Barbara: 5/100

So for now, if only for her sensible, British Blitz-style get-on-with-it attitude, Barbara edges it, but only just.

https://i.postimg.cc/C1X2LZXc/image-...-123137155.png
“Don’t worry darling! I’m sure this won’t ruin our future television career! Come on now, don't’ cry! Only one more episode of this trash to go! Be brave now! Stiff upper lip, girl!”

“Oh it’s all right for you, William! Your son will gain fame from being in the Harry Potter movies. But me? No, no, there’s nothing left for me! A brief appearance on Crown Court in 1978 and two poxy episodes of Tales of the Unexpected in the early 1980s, then I die in thirty years! Wouldn’t you be crying?”

“What about me? A succession of character roles, a few crappy movies, Crown fucking Court for me, too, and appearances on Black Adder and Robin of Sherwood that nobody knows of or cares about. Oh, and a starring role in Harriet’s Back in Town, from 1972 to 1973. Who the fuck remembers Harriet’s Back in Town? And if anyone does, it’s not for me, but for Pauline Yates, who goes on to star alongside Leonard Rossiter in The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin! No, this is it for me; I will forever be remembered as the bloody Doctor’s first Companion! At least you get to die reasonably young. I’m still fucking alive sixty years later, creaking around as I approach my fucking century, not that anyone cares! I should have stayed on ITV - at least then people might have remembered me for The Adventures of Sir Lancelot!”

Title of episode: “The Forest of Fear”
Title of Serial: An Unearthly Child
Part: 3 of 4
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companion(s): Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright
Written by: Anthony Coburn
Original air date: December 7 1963

Oh dear. They don’t do themselves any favours with the terrible episode titles, do they? What is it about writers of drama and alliteration anyway? I can understand this in cartoons, but in - supposedly - serious television drama programme, is it really necessary? Couldn't they have called it “The Dark Forest” or something? Anyway, on we reluctantly trudge as the first serial staggers on towards its no-doubt thrilling conclusion. When last we left our heroes, they were cave-sharing with rather a lot of rather emaciated figures, many, indeed most of which were, to be blunt, out of their skulls, or to be more accurate, their skulls were out of them, these showing signs of having been smashed in. Lovely. Surely then, logic would dictate that this is merely the waiting room, where the kindly cavemen will debrief their captives before releasing them unharmed, free to travel back to their own time?

That’s all right, then.

But wait! What’s this? Seems our heroes are saved! All the cavemen have done a Jim Jones and are lying dea - oh no. My mistake. They’re just all asleep. In a large untidy bunch. In lines. Hope nobody farted, cos they’re all in range. Hold on, we have movement. Is it the “woman” who was promised to our buddy Za? No, no, it’s the auld mad wan, who’s now doing a pretty good one-woman show called “The Ascent of Man”, or something, crawling on her knees then slowly rising into a ape-like posture before straightening up - more or less - and taking the pet rock from one of the cavemen, not sure who, nor if it matters. I imagine she’s going to go introduce this cute little creature to the time travellers, using the traditional method of bashing it over their heads. Cracked skulls ahoy then! Come on though: unless she catches them all asleep she’s hardly going to be the ultimate adversary now is she? They’ll easily overpower and de-rock her, and then where will she be?

Oh ho ho. More innocent talk to be turned by me into sexual innuendo, when Ian says there’s a breeze coming from somewhere, the doctor gives him a look that says indignantly “It wasn’t me!” and Barbara says “I can feel it on my face!” Zipping up (not really) Ian then remarks that “it may only be a small opening”, which possibly upsets his ladyfriend. Right, enough smutty fun. Back to the story, for want of a better word to describe it. The intrepid quartet look for a way to cut their bonds - oh if only there were something hard and sharp lying around the cave floor, like maybe, you know, bones? The Doctor pays his first, probably grudging compliment to Ian, telling him that he must concentrate on freeing himself as he is the strongest and may have to defend them all.

Meanwhile, Za has been woken from a lovely dream, no doubt of fire (is there anything that occupies this guy’s mind other than fire? Well, he’s a guy, so almost certainly sex. But that and fire seem to occupy his every thought) to be told the old woman has gone to the cave and taken his favourite knife. All right, it looked just like a stone: I’m no expert on prehistoric weaponry, you know. Seems the old woman is making a bargain with the Doctor and his companions - she will let them go if they promise not to bring fire here. “Fair enough,” nods the timelord. “So I suppose we can’t interest you in any fire insurance then?”

Za is a little ticked off when he discovers what they’ve done, but when he learns they’ve gone to the Forest of Fear, he reckons the travellers are as good as dead. Can’t you just see the tourism ads for this place? "Come to see the Cave of Skulls, then spend your time blundering around in the Forest of Fear! Just don’t try making fire, all right? We frown on that sort of thing, bigtime.” Anyhoo, Za’s woman, the hilariously-named Hur, urges him to pursue the newcomers and take from them the secret of fire. That’ll show that bastard Kal, she grins, and Za nods. Good idea, he says, as if he ever had an idea of his own. Meanwhile the old woman groans “Can someone help me up? I think I’ve put me back out. Where’s me zimmer?”
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6fBQd2Ofqs...restoffear.png
In the forest, the Doctor realises he’s not as young as someday he’s going to be, having to stop to catch his breath, while Barbara, after displaying admirable qualities last episode of stoicism and good sense, reverts to a cowering frightened woman, clinging to Ian and shrinking against him, and possibly wondering where he got the gun he has in this pants? Ian is the action man now, leading the team with ill-advised confidence, the kind of man, possibly, who might lead them right over a cliff with only a final “Drat!” as he stepped out into oblivion. Wouldn’t be my choice for a leader, I must say.

Doesn’t look much like a forest to me, though, much less one of fear. More like the outside section of a gardening store. I keep expecting someone to come up with a geranium in a pot and ask if it is included in the sale? Barbara goes hysterical - again - when she thinks she sees something moving in the bushes, and without any basis for doing so, the Doctor pooh-poohs her fear, saying it’s sheer nonsense. What? Does he think this place is completely uninhabited? Why is it nonsense? As a timelord, surely he’s trained or has experience enough to consider every possibility, and the possibility of there being some sort of wild animal or wild animals plural in the forest is surely possible? Even likely? The Doctor and Ian face off, but Ian is asserting his authority now, and I’m sure if the Doctor were 500 years younger he could take him. As it is, he has to give in, with his customary bad grace.

Za and his woman continue to track them through the forest - well, it’s not hard: they’re not exactly covering their tracks, all but erecting large neon arrows pointing the way - with Za already growing into his role as leader, ready to blame the woman if they fail, but surely just as happy to take credit should they be successful. What a politician! He’s already covering his animal-skin-barely-clad arse! Barbara then gives away their position by shrieking in fear and dissolving into tears at the sight of a dead animal. Jesus on Safari! Has she never watched David Attenborough? The damn thing is dead! What the fuck is she shitting herself over? Talk about going to pieces!
https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/3...b/p0110c7n.jpg
You have to wonder if the producers got the actress to one side after last episode and had a chat with her? “Listen love, we know you want to be the tough action girl, but that’s not what’s required here. This is 1963, not 1993. By which time you'll be dead. Sorry about that. Maybe channel that feeling? More screaming, less taking charge. And if you can cry a little, our audience would probably appreciate that too. Can’t be letting the side down like that, old girl: got to know one’s place, don’tcha know?” Or something similar. She certainly seems miles from the strong, capable woman who was all but taking charge in the last episode! Honestly, the close-up on the boar’s head with the eye rolled back into its socket says it all, really.

Look, you have to laugh. They can clearly see there are only two people pursuing them, one a woman, and the sum total of their weapons seems to be one stone axe. Even allowing for the shrieking hysterics of Barbara, they still outnumber their enemy. Hey, Barbara could even disorient and distract them with her crying! Why are they hiding as if there’s a party of ten heavily-armed US Marines or something after them, as if they fear for their very lives? One swift kick in the happy sacks and our man Za will go down, and will have other things to worry about besides fire. Well, other than the fire in his balls I mean.

Okay now it’s just got even sillier. Za gets attacked by some animal - presumably “tiger”, as he mentioned this in the Cave Presidential Debate with Kal - and instead of having it away on their toes, they’re being dragged into rescuing him, courtesy of - wait for it - Barbara! The woman who only a moment ago was jumping at shadows and bushes that rustle is now suddenly ready to leap to the rescue, her fear gone and her determination to aid their enemy flooding her brain. God save me, if he existed, which he doesn’t so I don’t know why I said that. To his credit, the Doctor, the only one it would seem with a particle of sense, is ready to use the diversion to get the fuck out of Dodge and back to the TARDIS, but no: Susan too has suddenly realised she’s in the episode and runs to help her sister in arms. Like, perhaps, the viewer at this point - certainly the reviewer - the Doctor throws up his hands and wades in with the other three.

For some reason the nameless animal has legged it, probably unwilling to provide evidence it took part in this tripe - “Look, my uncle Clarence works in MGM, I can get you into movies. Hey, at worst, there’s this company called ESSO…” (If you’re too young to get that joke, feel free to jump off a cliff) - and so when they come upon Za he’s lying wounded on the ground. Ian, for some reason, looks straight into the camera and grins “Well, we’ve lost our chance to escape!” with that typical British bravado and cheerfulness everyone outside of England hates them for. The Doctor is less sanguine, looking on with a pained expression that says “Bloody humans!" And pointing out that the rest of the cavemen could be here any moment. Now he has a fight with Barbara, who has conveniently forgotten she was wetting herself in fear a short while ago, and is kind of back in charge.

Back at the cave, Kal has woken from a lovely dream of roasting Za over a spit and saying “How’s that for making fire, you cunt?” to discover that the object of his dreams has high-tailed it. He finds the old woman in the Cave of Skulls, and sets off after his rival, after slapping a “VOTE KAL!” sticker on her. Maybe. Barbara does that not-so-endearing thing people do when they are dealing with someone of a lower mental capacity than them, or a deaf or dumb person: she speaks slowly and for whatever reason seems to think that making hand gestures will help explain her words. So patronising, as is Ian’s professional mental assessment of the cave people. Ah, BBC! Ya got to love them!

Barbara promises - without consulting with anyone else, least of all the Doctor - to give the woman the secret of fire in return for her leading them back to the TARDIS. Quiet why she thinks she knows the way there is a mystery, but there you are. I guess she and Za did encounter them there so, you know, maybe. In fairness, of all the characters it seems the one without a name is making the best impression here, learning that the others don’t mean her and her boy any harm, while the Doctor looks like if he had a gun he’d shoot them all. And the cave people too. Za is now on a stretcher - let’s hope the cave paparazzi don’t get wind of this! He’ll never be elected leader. This could scupper his entire political career!
https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/3...b/p0110c80.jpg
All right now, speaking of a political career, my money is now on Kal, who masterfully manipulates, as Picard once said, the circumstances with the skill of a Romulan. Having killed the old woman, he now blames his hated rival, saying that Za killed her to get the secret of fire, let the captives go, and is going to betray them all. In a quite hilarious piece of either reverse logic or slow thinking, Kal says “Za killed the old woman,” and one of the other cavemen grunts. “The old woman is dead.” Well, yeah, guy, that’s how it works. Well, either way, Kal has won the election and he swears to protect the cave constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic. Let’s get those foreign bastards! And that domestic one too!

Comments: Well. It’s hard to know what to say, isn’t it? I mean, the story isn’t exactly hurtling along at a breakneck pace, but I suppose I’d have to allow that it’s moving faster than it did last episode, but then that wouldn’t be hard. I do like the idea of the cavemen exercising stone age politics in a way today’s political parties would be proud of, and in fact there’s little real change. Scapegoat? Check. Hated enemy? Check. Heinous crime for which hated enemy and scapegoat must be brought to justice/killed? Check. Power play? Check. Sloping brows and dull, dead eyes? Check. Political manifesto? Check. Quite funny. The forest is hilariously bad, the trees looking like a breath of wind would knock them over, and it’s also amusing that the budget wouldn’t stretch to seeing the actual attacker of Za, or maybe such an attack was deemed too violent for children’s TV. Yet they had no problem showing an old woman being murdered. Interesting.

The acting is, to be fair to all involved, abominable. Nobody comes out of this covered in any sort of glory, the Doctor and Barbara sharing the wooden spoon for the worst performances yet, while Susan is all but conspicuous by her absence. Za is a joke, and only Hur displays any sort of charisma, and she’s supposed to be a cave woman! The idea that the travellers would help the caveman instead of just legging it for the TARDIS is laughable, but there’s certainly a dark undercurrent in the episode that speaks to a series that surely was aimed more at adults, even if they laughed at and dismissed it initially.
https://www.giantfreakinrobot.com/wp...octorAloof.jpg
Diagnosing the Doctor

I said last time the episode had, if anything, lowered my opinion of Hartnell’s Doctor, but it was up in the clouds compared to where it is after viewing this. There’s not the slightest shred of human compassion in him (I know, but you know what I mean) and all he does is fight with everyone. He’s clearly happier to run and get back to the safety of the TARDIS, and I honestly would not have put it past him to have dumped them all if he could and legged it. It’s only his advanced age that prevents him leaving them behind to their fate. His old body needs their young ones to save it, and he has to go along with their plans, though he definitely does not like it. He displays none of the later kindness, humour and determination to be a protector of the weak that his successors will, and I’ve seen nothing yet to convince me that he dos not deserve the title of the very worst of the Doctors. First is not always best, and I just don’t see myself liking him, ever.

He’s also, let’s be honest here, either thick as ****e or arrogant to a fault, as he seems unable to comprehend the most basic logical premise, maintaining, as I said earlier, that Barbara is screaming at shadows when in all likelihood there is something in the forest, something dangerous. He just dismisses her fears in a way no later Doctor would, or indeed, no rational, thinking person. I also don’t like the clear intimation, when he picks up the rock as Za lies on the stretcher, that he intended to kill the caveman, thus relieving his Companions of the burden, both literal and emotional, allowing them all to escape. Again, no Doctor worth his salt would ever consider killing an unarmed man who was, at the time, no danger to him.

And once again, I have to ask, what in the name of Tom Baker is he doing wearing pyjamas? Under a topcoat? Are they/is he just trying to emphasise how old and decrepit he is? At least later Doctors would have their own sense of style and sophistication. He just looks like he escaped from a mental institution. And also what’s with the nineteenth-century-schoolmaster-grasping of the lapel (see picture above)? I mean, come on! This is (or was) 1963, the Summer of Love, Swinging London and all that, not Dickens’ time! Man is he out of touch, even for nearly sixty years ago.

Yeah, I have to push him into minus figures here. He’s just that bad.

Doctor: First (William Hartnell) - S01E03 - -10/100 (that’s minus ten out of a hundred)

Charting the Companions

Not a lot to say really. A complete role reversal as Barbara becomes Dale Arden (shut up), Ian becomes the Great White Hunter and Susan becomes all but invisible. If there is a leader, I guess you have to admit it’s Ian, but much of this is merely based on exigency: he’s a man, he’s relatively young and strong, and of course he’s British. So he gets to be in charge, even having a knock-down fight (for the British, of course) with the Doctor. But Barbara’s hysterics are, well, hysterical, and even more so her sudden conversion to a calm woman of action. They really expect us to believe this stuff? Thank God I was only five months old.

Susan: 0/100
Ian: 10/100
Barbara: -5/100 (that’s minus five)

So Ian certainly comes out head and broad shoulders as the winner here, though he should really lose points for that stupid almost-breaking of the fourth wall, but hey, I’m not that much of a bastard. Let him have his time in the sun. It’ll be dark soon enough. As he says in the caption to the intro, his career doesn't exactly hit the stratosphere after this.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KPUBmIrVyv...600/who004.jpg
“Now ask me where my fucking homework is, you twats!”

Title of episode: “The Firemaker”
Title of Serial: An Unearthly Child
Part: 4 of 4
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companion(s): Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright
Written by: Anthony Coburn
Original air date: December 14 1963

All right, time to get this shitshow over with. Let’s dive right in. When last we left our intrepid adventurers they had made it back to the TARDIS with Hur and Za in tow (the latter looking a lot less likely to be making many concession speeches, having had his policies questioned in no uncertain terms by an animal who may or may not have been a tiger) when BOO! The mighty Kal and his band of Repub - sorry, cavemen and some women jumped out and said “Didn’t expect that, did you?” Yeah Kal, we actually did: you laid out your plan last time. Never mind. On we go.

A VERY sweaty Ian, who looks like he’s just emerged after several hours in a sauna, fills the screen (not an image for those faint of heart, I would add!) while cavemen seem to emerge from the ground around the TARDIS like plants growing out of the soil, or like those skeletons that popped up when the bad guy sowed the dragon’s teeth (or was it a hydra?) in the movie Jason and the Argonauts. Living Dead-like, they begin to stagger forward, causing our heroes to stagger backwards, back into the Forest of, um, Fear. Incidentally, I don’t know what it was with BBC cameramen, but they seemed not to think they had done their job unless they had managed to get right up the nose of their subject, the face taking up all the screen, as again we see one of the cavemen loom up and whisper “They are coming,” as if nobody could work that out for themselves.

Now begins an impromptu trial for the stretchered Za, as his rival tries to frame him for the murder of the old woman. In a stunning feat of legal gymnastics though, the Doctor out-thinks him, pointing out that the knife with which Za is accused of doing the deed has no blood on it. Faced with such O.J-style demolition of his evidence, Kal attempts to disprove the Doctor’s claims that Za’s knife is blunt by showing his own knife, which - oh dear! - has blood on it! Your honour, I move the testimony of the witness be stricken from the record, and he himself stricken with a nice heavy flat stone. No? Our Kal is in trouble now, and with his pea-sized brain has only himself to blame. Gasps go around the open courtroom: could it be that Kal lies? Surely not? What is a lie anyway?
https://i.pinimg.com/736x/7e/7d/6b/7...e-december.jpg
Perhaps stupidly (remove the perhaps) Kal admits he killed the old woman, and the Doctor urges everyone there to advance a thousand years or so and stone the guy. They do. “Drive him out!” he yells, but the cavemen don’t even know the difference between a manual and an automatic transmission, and opt for running him out of town instead. Congratulations Doctor! You just created the first mob in human history! How proud you must be. Za, suddenly and miraculously cured of his wounds and not only able to stand now, but to positively strut, grins “Well, one does not wish the leadership for oneself, of course, but if one is called upon by one’s people to assume the mantle…” And assume it he does, pronouncing Kal as Public Enemy Number One and exiling him from the tribe. In grateful appreciation of the time travellers both saving his life (which, had the positions been reversed, he would most certainly not have done) and stealing the election for him, Za orders that they be returned to the Cave of Skulls.

Wait, what?

Yeah. Seems gratitude doesn’t hold much of a place in his heart. Or maybe he’s afraid, like all politicians in power, that his people might start thinking “You know, that Doctor chap is really clever. And he can, apparently, make fire. Maybe we should be putting our X beside his name!” For some reason, the abovenamed cave is just a few steps behind them. Well that’s handy. Nobody’s in the mood for another long trek through the Forest of Flatulence, sorry Fear. Za has a conflab with his lady, in which they discuss the many and various options open to him. “They must make fire, or they die.” Oh. well. Not so many options then. Good to know where you stand though. Ah but where would we be without some unintentional sexual innuendo? As they attempt to make fire, Ian says to Barbara, “Spread them around the hole.” Barbara, who is a good Protestant girl no doubt and doesn’t even know what rimming is, ignores him and instead grabs onto his hard thick shaft.

The stick, you degenerate bunch! The stick with which they’re trying to spark up a blaze. Friction, which is, to be honest, something this drab episode - this whole serial - could do with. Science friction? Sorry. Eventually they get it together and Za is one happy caveman. Mind you, he’s getting a bit close to the newly-made fire - careful there me old mate! Don’t want to give your people fire by dancing about with it on your head! Outside, the natives are literally getting restless, as another guy sees his chance to seize power, but what’s this? Our mate Kal ain’t going gently into that good night. He’s back, and ready to have a free and frank discussion with Za about his fire policy. With the help of an axe. Is this in the debate protocols, mister moderator?
https://i0.wp.com/galacticjourney.or...ight.png?w=474
In a comical, cartoonish fight that reveals more than you’ve ever wanted to see of any Caveman’s secrets, the two dance and wrestle around the cave, while the time travellers, um, watch. Nobody thinks “You know, if this Kal guy gets the edge we’re all toast. Better clonk him one with one of these handy bones, of which there are many lying about!”? No, they just seem to believe Caveman Wrestlemania 0001 AD is a spectator sport, and they do nothing. In the end, Za scores a major hit on his opponent, bringing the debate to a rousing close with a pretty damn big rock, and goes to show his tribe the miracle of fire. Grateful as ever, they now moan that there is no meat, and Za, probably already regretting becoming the leader, snaps “All right! All right, fuck you! I’ll go get meat!” Whether or not he thinks of ducking back into the cave and cooking up Kal for supper I leave to you to decide. When he returns he invites the travellers to stay with them. Or die. Either is good.

Susan then delights motorcycle clubs, metalheads and tattoo artists nationwide as she sticks one of the torches into a skull, and a logo is born. In perhaps the most stupid piece of writing ever (and it’s got lots of competition here) they then fool the cavemen into thinking they’ve died by, um, sticking four blazing skulls in the sand. I tell you, the flesh just wastes away in this cave. Can you believe it? Not only have their bodies rotted in less than an hour, but so has all their skeleton! Except the skull. Jesus Christ. I mean, apart from all that, there are four skulls, and for people. Who planted the skulls on sticks if they’re all dead? Their clever ruse allows the four to hop it through the tunnels in the cave and they head back to the TARDIS, a journey they needed guidance for before, but seem somehow to know the way now.

Za however had not been chosen leader for nothing, and he proves his leadership qualities as he sees through the trick and, Benny Hill-like, the cave posse are again after the people from the future. Double speed please, and cue “Yakkity-Yak!” Za realises that the fire can light their way in the darkness, while Barbara, paying for the heinous crime of trying to take charge like a man last episode, has to fall and be helped up by Ian. What a wuss. More close-ups of faces as our heroes run, perhaps in an effort to cover the fact that the budget does not stretch to keeping the plants they rented from Billy’s Garden HQ in the High Street, and have had to be returned the previous day. Honestly, in the darkness, and with the close-ups, they could be running anywhere. And probably are.

Anyway they make it back to the TARDIS and fuck off, Ian rather inappropriately propositioning the Doctor as he screams “Come on Doctor! Get us off! Get us off!” The venerable old grandfather ignores him and instead busies himself with the controls of the time machine, and as they vanish everyone, very much including your reviewer, breathes a sigh of relief. Oh, the Doctor admits he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing, and the TARDIS could take them anywhere. “Back to cancellation land,” grumps the controller of BBC. “Think we’ll stick with Gardeners World, if it’s all the same to you.”

Comments: Well that was a whole heap of … something. How many loose ends were left? Why was the sun (Orb) not shining? What had caused it not to be in the sky, or was there like constant cloud cover for some reason? Why had these people forgotten how to make fire? If the Cave of Skulls was a sort of burial ground for their enemies, where were they? Had they killed them all? If not for their enemies, then why smash in their skulls? To make sure they were dead? And how exactly did Za recover so miraculously and completely from being mauled by a possible tiger without any medical attention whatever? And why am I bothering asking these questions? And who cares?

Looked at one way, this whole story could be seen as one of colonial expansionism, the cavemen the “savages” to whom the brave European explorers taught the precepts of “civilisation”, using their superior minds and knowledge. It doesn’t take much to superimpose Australian aborigines or Native Americans or even Africans on this serial. The story in essence was nothing though: did the Doctor invent fire for Man? Was he a latter-day Prometheus? What exactly did he do here, other than bring them all here by accident and then blunder off to some other unknown destination? It’s telling, to me, that he was last on board the TARDIS. I mean, being old, sure, he would have found it hard to keep up, but is the writer (I doubt it) using this as a symbol of his uselessness? Certainly seems like little more than an old annoying man tagging along and getting in the way.

There are also disturbing parallels to the so-called advancement of humanity here, where Ian and the Doctor encourage, basically instigate a stoning, which no doubt will have repercussions further down the line, not least for one disciple of Jesus, as well as a rather irate John Cleese. The logic used in this episode is laughable; I assumed they were going to use the flaming skulls to frighten the cave people - ancestors angry, that kind of thing, but the idea used was beyond stupid, as I already pointed out. So stupid, in fact, that it didn’t even fool a caveman! And how were the band able to find their way back to the TARDIS unaided suddenly? How come none of them were attacked by wild animals? Probably not in the tiger’s contract I guess. Nah, one appearance mate, that’s your lot. Now fuck off back to London Zoo, yeah?

After this had concluded, Wiki says that the show was cancelled - which would be no surprise to me - but I find this hard to believe, as the next one went out the very next week. Not much of a chance to change your mind really, is it? On the basis of this serial, it looks like the show barely survived being axed altogether, but then of course there was the D-word, and from then on everything was rosy.

Kind of.

Diagnosing the Doctor

I would grudgingly admit that in this final episode of the first story the Doctor does actually wake up and do something, though not much; mostly he supports Ian’s efforts (it is he, after all, who successfully makes fire, and so could have, had he wished to, challenge Za for the leadership) but mostly just offers advice. I suppose you can say he learns a little humility, realising that Ian is not just a know-it-all cocky young fella, so there’s that, but overall again he does very little. He can’t even get them out of the Stone Age safely, dragging them to another time and planet entirely. **** as the idea is , it’s nevertheless Susan who comes up with the idea of the burning skulls, while Barbara is again conspicuous by her absence, apart from the odd scream or plea to let them go. But the Doctor, at the end of this first serial, has completely failed to impress me. I suppose I can give him a few points, but it will just barely lift him out of the negative. Better than nothing, I guess.

Doctor: First (William Hartnell) - S01E04 - 1/100

Charting the Companions

It’s definitely Ian who takes the lead here, making the fire, leading the stoning, though when asked if he is the leader he shakes his head and sticks his thumb over his shoulder. “Nah,” he says. “That guy. I know, I know: you would never believe it, but he is. Honestly.” Good old BBC! Couldn’t have a woman taking charge, dear me no. What would the world be coming to if we let females lead? By Jove, next you’ll be saying there’ll one day be a female Prime Minister! Oh dear, oh my! Someone fetch me a brandy!

Susan steps up with the flaming skulls, but other than that, not a lot to report and Barbara may as well not be there. So we end this first serial with Ian on top, which may be what Barbara wanted all along…

Susan: 5/100
Ian: 25/100
Barbara: -10/100 (that’s minus ten)

Ah hell, what can I say? Bring on the robotic pepper pots!
https://images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca88...WlvHl3TW4UNjfo

https://m0vie.files.wordpress.com/20...ek10.jpg?w=584
"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMIN - What do you mean, check back next episode, love? I blew off a major meeting to be here! Who's going to pay my expenses? Oh yeah? Wait until my union rep hears about this! You will all be EXTERMINA - yes, yes, I'm going..."

Title of episode: “The Dead Planet”
Title of Serial: The Daleks
Part: 1 of 7
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companion(s): Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright
Written by: Terry Nation
Original air date: December 21 1963

An early Christmas present for the series, as, following the - and let’s be totally fair to it - utter shite of the first serial, Doctor Who finally got going and once and for all secured its future. Like I say, Wiki maintains the series was cancelled after An Unearthly Child, and with good reason I would have thought, however the gap between the end of that serial and the beginning of this is the customary week, so I don’t see how they could have changed their minds over seven days. Whatever the truth of the matter, there’s no doubting that this was the first real Doctor Who story that grabbed the public imagination, introducing us to one of the greatest science fiction villains ever to grace the small screen, and causing us all to run around the schoolyard (if we were of that age, which I would have been, though some time later - hard to run around when you’re only five months old!) shouting “Exterminate! Exterminate!” Possibly the first time the word came into proper usage over here.

This serial also brought us into the orbit of one of England’s finest science fiction writers, who would later go on to create another classic British science fiction drama, the much darker Blake’s 7 as well as the equally dark Survivors, and who would also give us one of the series’ recurring villains (with no thought given for the fact that he would be, basically, disabled, going around in a wheelchair and talking through a Stephen Hawking-like translator), the curator of the Daleks, Davros. Terry, you are missed. Science fiction in the UK is not the same without you, and you left an incredible legacy.

But back in ‘63 Terry was a fresh-faced thirtysomething, and after a disagreement with comedy icon Tony Hancock, had rethought his previous decline of the offer to write for this new science fiction programme the BBC were running. With a family relying on him and now unemployed, Nation decided any job was better than none, and television history was about to be made.

The second serial begins exactly as the last ended (minus open-mouthed cavemen wondering where the magic box has vanished to) as the time travellers arrive at their new, unknown destination and give a rather cursory once-over to the radiation meter, which is showing normal, but as soon as they leave the needle slips into the red. Isn’t it always the way? I suppose you’ve got to feel for our heroes. They have all of time and space to choose from, and where do they end up? In another fucking forest! Though this time it is noticed that the soil seems very poor, more like sand really, dust, and the Doctor wonders how trees could grow in such soil? Ian comments there is a wind, which nobody seems to have noticed before, though maybe that’s just the beans again.

It quickly becomes apparent that everything here is petrified, and yet they find a flower growing in the soil. Once they remove it though it crumbles in Susan’s hand, and a strange creature which seems to be menacing them - sort of like a cross between an alligator and an armadillo - also turns out to be made of stone, or turned to stone. As the title may have given away, this is a planet with not much to speak of in the way of things being alive. Ian continues to cozy up to Barbara, no doubt hoping to get his end away. I mean, it’s not like there’s anyone else for her to choose is there? From his point of view, he is literally the only man in the world for her. Whether she thinks so too is so far unclear, but you can’t fault him for trying.
https://i.postimg.cc/FFVwrYhq/image-...-160202313.png
Then they come across a city. Wait, what? Yeah. A very advanced-looking, space-age city. The Doctor uses the word six years before the man who will make it synonymous with his character when he breathes “Fascinating!” though his favourite and most-used phrase so far seems to be “I don’t know”. I suppose it’s also possible that could be stretched to “I don’t know therefore aliens”, though in this case he would of course be right. The Doctor, originally eager to leave, now decides he will go exploring in the city. However it will soon be dark, so he can’t go till tomorrow and they head back to the TARDIS. On the way, Susan gets separated from them and has the feeling of being watched in the forest, and then touched. I must say, for a supposedly hardened space/time traveller, she spooks very easily.

The TARDIS goes one better than Star Trek again, producing the world’s first replicator, as they all eat, something they haven’t really done since they chowed down on the roasted flesh of some unnamed animal, possibly a tiger, back in the stone age. Clever enough, and almost prophetic. Good to see that Nation doesn’t go for the old idea of their food being in tablet form; it’s more a kind of, I don’t know, bar or something? But it tastes just like, well, bacon and eggs, as they asked for. As they make to blast off again, one of the component fails (quelle surprise!) and the Doctor says he will need mercury to repair it. As the only place they can reasonably hope to find this is in the city, then, what do you know? They’re going to have to go to the city, just like the Doctor wanted. How serendipitous!
https://i0.wp.com/www.letswatchdocto...baraDaleks.jpg
On exiting the TARDIS (which annoyingly everyone insists on referring to as “the ship”, even the Doctor himself) they come across a small flat box, inside which are a collection of glass phials. Susan goes back in to run tests on them. On entering the city, everyone feels weak and a little sick. That’ll be the radiation then. They rather stupidly just blunder in and wander around, without any real plan or strategy, walking through this door and that, getting separated and you can see what’s coming now, can’t you? I mean, we’re five minutes away from the end and our intrepid Barbara has walked off on her own, doors opening and closing behind her. Cue Dalek and horrified scream…

Well, it seems she’s blundered into some sort of lift (elevator to you Americans) and now it’s going down, and that surely cannot be good in anyone’s view. Certainly not as the end credits loom, ready to roll. And there it is. Dalek (well, probe of Dalek), scream, roll credits and it’s time for the six o’clock news. See you next week, kids!

Comments

Ah much better, though should I say much? You know, not really. In the last serial they spent much of their time blundering around a forest in search of something, and here they spend most of their time blundering around a forest in search of something, then the rest of their time blundering around a city in search of something. Well I suppose it’s a nice change of pace, but no action yet. Still, with a Dalek, or part of one anyway, on the scene things are bound to liven up. Is this Skaros? I wonder. I’m not as au fait with Dalek or even Who lore to be able to answer that question, and to be honest, I am trying to sort of approach this project with as little foreknowledge as possible. I know who and what the Daleks are, of course, but beyond what everyone knows, I have no idea of their genesis, their home planet (other than its name and that they probably hate it, like they hate everything else - didn’t someone like David Tennant say that all Daleks are is hate?) so this will be new to me, and I don’t want to ruin it, so don’t tell me.

The budget for this episode must have been as small as for the previous, because other than the drawing of the city and a few automatic doors and corridors that look like they were made for Alice in Wonderland after she drank the bottle, not much in the way of effects. The forest looks to have again been provided by Billy’s Outdoor Garden Centre, and the things the time travellers eat have a vague kind of pop tart look about them. There’s little in the way of music, though I think Doctor Who was not really a show for incidental music, was it? Probably cost more, and to be honest not much suspense either. The trips through the city look more like someone navigating their way through a government building than a city full of traps and terrors. There’s just no real sense of danger or fear here, but it’s early days yet I guess.

Diagnosing the Doctor

Not a whole lot to say again. The only real thing I can comment on is that possibly the Doctor is more wily than assumed, as I bet that component that “broke” is a trick, a way for him to get to explore that city. There’s a very annoying smirk on his face as Ian admits that they have no choice now but to go into the city, so it looks like he set the whole thing up. He seems quite content, however, to cede the leadership to Ian, even stepping back with the others while the big male hero checks out the deadly flat box with the phials by the expedient of, um, poking it with a stick. He also admits a certain weakness when he concedes to Barbara that the age gap between him and Susan often bothers him, like he can’t think on her level, and is glad to have the teacher speak to her on his behalf. He renews his fight with Ian, as they argue over whose fault it is that they are here. Feisty I guess. Still not the kind of man I would be inclined to follow though.

Doctor: First (William Hartnell) - S01E05 - 3/100


Charting the Companions

As above, Ian takes charge, and loses no opportunity to put his arms around Barbara, probably assuming that in true science fiction fashion they may soon have to repopulate the Earth, or at least get a chance for a quick wriggle in the bushes of some unknown planet. Hopefully, when he does get his chance to get into her pants, if he does, he doesn’t do so in the past, or if he does, he wears a johnny, because otherwise the time continuum is going to be most pissed at this sudden addition to the human race, throwing its calculations out and potentially fucking up history. But so far, she’s remained relatively resolute. Ian has certainly so far emerged as the de facto leader though.

Susan is a little more use, taking the samples to be examined, making the tea as it were with the replicator, and helping her grandfather in a way that says “I’m not just here to draw in the teenage boys, you know!” But she kind of is. I’ve yet to see her do anything that convinces me they would not all be better off leaving her at the next stop and continuing without her.

Barbara is used mostly as a kind of hybrid of mother and teacher, calming Susan down and giving Ian somewhere to rest his brawny arms, but other than that she doesn’t really contribute much. Mind you, since she’s in the final scene and is about to be the first to see a real live Dalek, she may rise in prominence next episode.

Or be exterminated. Either is good.

Susan: 5/100
Ian: 45/100
Barbara: -5/100

https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/480xn/p00y1ytf.jpg
"Wait in here, he says! I'll make you stars, boys, you just stick with me. Six weeks we've been waiting here! SIX WEEKS! He think we got nothing else to do? Got a good mind to start a Time War, just to teach him a - SSSHHH! Here he is! Act natural! We'll show those fucking Cybermen, lads! All right: One, two, three - DAAAAALEK!"

Title of episode: “The Survivors”
Title of Serial: The Daleks
Part: 2 of 7
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companion(s): Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright
Written by: Terry Nation
Original air date: December 28 1963

Interesting to see Nation use the name he would give his later science fiction series. Unaware that they’re all slowly dying of radiation poisoning because Susan couldn’t be bothered to stay checking the meter longer than a quick glance, our heroes head off to look for Barbara, who has had the bad taste not to turn up, after they gave her a good chance to join them. The Doctor for possibly the first time makes himself useful as he hears something that stops Susan and Ian heading off down the wrong corridor. “Measuring equipment!” he muses. “But for measuring what? And what’s all this gunk? Wet and sticky?” All right, I added in the sticky, but it’s still funny. If only Barbara were here. Or maybe not: Ian is looking decidedly uncomfortable.

Now the Doctor voices my own opinion on how to get through this. “We need drugs!” he gasps. What an example to set for his impressionable young granddaughter, who to be honest is sounding more like fucking Minnie Mouse every second. Does she have to have that high, squeaky, excitable voice? Ian is not best pleased that he is now likely to glow in the dark, and Susan is probably thinking along the lines of “Oops!” Not to worry though: everyone knows the Daleks are the galaxy’s finest pushers so they should be all right. Oh sorry: that’s pushing into extinction. Not quite the same thing. Ian is even less happy when the Doctor ruefully reveals his little subterfuge, which really didn’t fool any of us, did it? What a bastard. He wanted to see the city, they wouldn’t let him, so he stamped his foot and pretended something was broken. Well that’s a fine way for a Timelord to behave, I must say. If you want something and can’t get it, put your Companions in harm’s way. Fuck it; they’re only humans.
https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-y15I4KLOf...daleks%2B6.jpg
Except for his granddaughter. Who isn’t. Human I mean. Or particularly bright. How come she didn’t see through the old bastard’s ruse? She’s supposed to be a genius, isn’t she? Ah, the old “We need this to work and it won’t without mercury so let’s explore that dead city which is definitely dead and not crammed with Daleks I promise would I lie to you” trick, eh? Fancy falling for that! And now he’s ready to leave Barbara to her fate - a fate he landed her in - and slink back to the TARDIS. Ian ain’t having it though, not on his watch. Another fight ensues. All right, as close as the English get to a fight, which is some pretty barbed words and some stony stares, maybe the odd “Now look here my good fellow” if they get really riled. Don’t get Ian angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. Or happy. Or confused. Or drunk. Look, you just wouldn’t like him, all right?

Anyway he forces the nine-hundred-year-old man to acquiesce to his demand they search for his future ex-wife, and off they go - right into a bunch of Daleks who were taking an evening stroll and could just go right now for some extermination. Yay! Finally we get to see the full thing, and it’s been worth waiting for. To some extent, the basic Dalek hasn’t changed in nearly sixty years; lick of paint, add a weapon, make one a god emperor, you know the kind of thing, but overall very much recognisable as the pesky enemies that still chase successive Doctors, whether male, female, black, Indian or miscellaneous all over time and space. Ian becomes their first victim, though sadly he is not exterminated, just incapacitated. Maybe the Daleks are trying to give extermination up for Lent?

The trio are finally reunited with Barbara, and oddly enough, as he sits down with the aid of the others, his legs temporarily paralysed, Ian asks her did they hurt her, and when she says no he looks annoyed, as if to say “Well dash it all! They hurt me! Why not you?” Maybe because you ran like a big girl’s blouse, Ian. Just a suggestion. Ah well at least the Doctor knows how to keep the spirits of his Companions up. “If we don’t get treatment,” he informs them, “we shall die.” Susan gets hysterical, something she seems eminently qualified to do, and Barbara theorises that there maybe some creatures controlling the Daleks (who have not yet of course been identified as such) while Ian feels sorry for himself. The Doctor is ushered into the presence of the Daleks. “Do not move,” snaps one, “out of the light. I have mislaid my specs.” Okay that last part is mine.
https://whowatching.files.wordpress....e-daleks-1.jpg
It’s quite a thing, to be fair, to see the Doctor face his age-old nemesis, completely unaware of what they are and the role they will play in his long long life, and in galactic history. It’s kind of like when the Enterprise encounters the Borg for the first time and Picard orders the shields to be kept down. “Let’s keep it friendly,” he decides. Yeah, we know how that ends, don’t we, Locutus? And while we’re at it: Hugh? You could have wiped out the entire race and you let your fucking morals stop you? How many millions of lives are on your conscience, you bald ethical bastard? But I digress. Back to the Daleks.

Woo-hoo! The word is used for the first time. Now we get the genesis of the Daleks, as they tell the Doctor that there were once two races on their planet, themselves and a people they call the Thalls. Nuclear war ensued between them and the Daleks took refuge in the city, which they say they cannot leave. They agree to allow one of the party to go back to the TARDIS to get the drugs they say the Thalls need, which the Doctor thinks may be those phials they found in a handy box just outside the time machine. Back with the girls Ian is mortified to have to be helped around by two women, but his legs are currently the consistency of blancmange so he has no choice. When the Doctor tells him of the agreement he made with the Daleks, he insists he must be the one to go, being all British and male and heroic, with wobbly legs. Didn’t win the war on wobbly legs you know. I didn’t get where I am today by letting women take risks for me!
http://www.leonardrossiter.com/reginaldperrin/12044.jpg

(What's HE doing here? Oh. Yeah. Right.)

Susan puts a crimp in his plans though, telling them of the rather intricate Chubb lock on the TARDIS, and how she is the only one who can get in. Rather then than do the obvious and let her go in his place (a woman taking on the role of a man? Really, sir! What do you think this is? 1993?!) he asserts that both must go. Then the Daleks tell him he has to go now, but his legs are still as steady as Michael J. Fox going for a walk, so reluctantly, as the Dalek says “Come on, come on! Haven’t all day! Things don’t just exterminate themselves, you know!” he has to let Susan go alone. Not quite sure why he didn’t just jump on the head of a Dalek and ride it like a Segway, but there you are.

Ooh. Now those sneaky Daleks discuss the fact that they have no intention of letting the humans use the drug, and are only using them as a method to get it into the city, which they can’t leave. What rotters! Back in Billy's Outdoor Garden Centre - sorry, the forest - Susan is making for the TARDIS as a storm breaks overhead. More stupid close-ups of her face as she runs - what is the deal with that? They probably have about a two-foot square area for her to run in, so have to do tight zooms to cover that fact. Of course, as all women do, especially when under pressure and especially with a camera rammed up their nose, Susan falls. And screams. She’s obviously seen the last thing any woman in a state of distress wants to see: a TV camera. She starts to run, but these things are relentless and it chases her through the trees. But finally she gets to the TARDIS. Just time for a quick bath and a change of clothes then. I mean, Ian said straight there and back, but since when did any teenage girl obey a father figure? Besides, it’s raining outside, and there may be mutants abroad. Best to just wait it out. Wonder who’s on the X Factor tonight?

Comments

Yeah things begin to move, if slowly. The Daleks don’t disappoint, and I’m sure everyone was shrinking in horror from them back in ‘63, though as I say I was never afraid of them. The voices are pretty much the same as they would always be, other than the rising petulance that entered their tone later. The story of them being trapped in the city is interesting, but again you have to say that not a lot happens. After the initial appearance of the Daleks, it’s back to running round a forest in search of the TARDIS, which to be honest is getting a little tiresome. It’s over there, love! Third tree to the right and hang a left, can’t miss it. A moment in television history certainly, as a man called Nation not only saves what would become one of British television’s greatest and most loved shows, but also sets the template for all science fiction series that would follow. Many of which were superior.

Diagnosing the Doctor

If my opinion of Hartnell’s character could go any further down, it can. And does. What an idiot. For no reason at all, pure curiosity and bloody-mindedness, he introduces the Daleks to humans, to him, their future worst enemy, - and, just as an aside, the entire galaxy - and puts his companions and himself in peril of their very lives. What a leader! What responsibility! What maturity! And even when he admits what he’s done, it’s more with a rueful shrug than an acceptance he may have killed them all. Gobshite. I wonder then why the Daleks chose him as the one they would talk to? To them, he’s old and frail (they acknowledge this by referring to him as “the old man”) and I don’t know if they have any sort of gender bias, but Ian is walking on rubber legs, so why not choose one of the two women, who can at least walk unaided? But no: this is 1963, this is the BBC, and nothing but a male hero will do. Christ.

Doctor: First (William Hartnell) - S01E06 - -20/100 (minus 20)

Charting the Companions

You know, there’s a time to be a hero and there’s a time to shut the hell up and realise you are out of the game, and Ian does not seem to know when this is. Despite the fact that his cowardly attempt to escape has had his legs banjaxed by the Daleks, he stubbornly puts himself forward as the candidate to make it back to the TARDIS, when he has as much chance of making it to the moon. Can’t even conceive of one of the women taking on the job, and keeps hammering his legs as if somehow he can force them to work. “Come on now lads! England needs you! Do your duty!” etc. Christ. Again.

Barbara, despite being the first to have a run in with the Daleks, has done nothing this episode but go down on them. Sorry, with them. Go down with them. In a lift. Other than that, she’s returned to the useless pile of blubbering flesh she’s more or less been for all this serial, and before it. Can’t see what she’s adding to the show at all, to be honest.

Susan does a lot of screaming, and it’s partially her fault they’re in the situation they are for not rechecking the radiation gauge, but as she does take on the role of potential heroine near the end and heads out into the forest, making it back to the TARDIS, I suppose you have to give her that.

Susan: 10/100
Ian: 5/100
Barbara: -25/100

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-BQj4b07PTz...who_escape.png

"AP-OL-O-GIES. YOUR TAB-LE WILL BE AN-OTH-ER HALF HOUR. WE ARE VE-RY BU-SY TO-NIGHT. PLEASE AC-CEPT THESE AP-PET-IS-ERS WITH THE COM-PLI-MENTS OF THE MAN-AGE-MENT!"

Title of episode: “The Escape”
Title of Serial: The Daleks
Part: 3 of 7
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companion(s): Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright
Written by: Terry Nation
Original air date: January 4 1964

Into the new year, and the first new year for baby Trollheart as I celebrated my sixth month on this planet. Interesting to think I was kind of born at the same time as the Daleks. Maybe that’s why I have this irrepressible urge to EXTERMINATE! EXT - sorry, sorry. I’m taking the pills, honestly I am. You believe me, don’t you? Of course you do. Anyway, third episode ahoy and we find Susan shivering alone in the TARDIS as the doors open for some reason and the great god Thor bangs his hammer in the sky and sets her nerves on edge. I thought she was supposed to be a well-travelled space alien girl, to whom nipping back to the French Revolution to pick up a few croissants for breakfast and then dashing back to the sixteenth century to rob Henry VIII’s dinner was commonplace? And she’s afraid of a little thunderstorm? Maybe it’s that she’s always had her grandfather around, but come on: she’s not a kid. Got to cut the apron strings sometime. Though preferably not while he’s dangling over a cliff and the apron is the only thing you can grab to hold on to him.

She certainly does Frightened Girl Alone 101 very well, then suddenly there’s a man looking down at her, and she sinks to her knees. Maybe she’s going to give him a blow…. By blow account of her situation I was going to say! What’s wrong with you people? Just the one thing on your mind. I don’t know. The guy tells her not to be afraid (bit late for that, sunshine! Think she’s already wet herself. That is, if she’s lucky, that’s all she’s done!) and looks to be a big fan of seventies Genesis, dressed as he is in some sort of flower getup. A flower? BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM! If you go down to Willow Farm … Sorry, in-joke for Genesis and prog nerds there. He tells her that it was he who left the drugs for her (oh, so he’s a pusher, is he? Just say no, Susan! No, not No don’t kill me!) and that she must take them immediately as she is in great danger. No doubt he’ll start a tab for her; he’ll find some way for her to pay back her debt ho ho. Maybe he needs his garden weeded. Um.

Enough of my drivel. Let’s get on with this drivel. Plant Boy tells her he knows there are four of them - he’s been stalking, sorry watching them (well, with all that plant stuff and leaves and what not, maybe he is stalking - all right I’ll stop now) and she tells him the others are held captive by the Daleks in the city. It’s news to Plant Boy that the Daleks survived, and surely not good news, as they were, presumably, the enemy his people were fighting against. I assume he’s a Thall. He hands over more drugs to Susan and NYPD appear from behind a rock and - no? Ah. Well, have it your own way. But drugs ruin lives, you know. Next scene Susan is back in the city of the Daleks. Well, that was quick. And where’s Plant Boy? Not a sign of him. Thought he was her bud? Sorry. Guess he had to leave. Sorry again.

There’s the usual air of doom and gloom back in the city. I mean, yeah, I know they’ve been captured by Daleks, who will in time give wiping out every living race in the galaxy the old college try, but the defeatism here is nauseating. All they’re missing is a motivational speech from Arnold J. Rimmer, something perhaps along the lines of, oh I don’t know, “We’re finished!”? The sneaky Daleks have been dropping the eaves, the little tinkers, and hear all about how a catastrophe with their crops could wipe out the Thalls. Don’t think they’ll be arranging any airlifts or mercy runs though. Oh look! A Dalek waiter! Don’t tip the bastard. After having given them food and water, the Dalek tells them Susan must come with it, as they are (chortle) going to help the (snigger) Thalls as she (guffaw!) asked. Oh these people are too naive for words!

https://i.postimg.cc/dQXwx6ks/tHALL1.png
"We can't perform interpretive dance in this tiny box! How would we all fit?"

Meanwhile, back TARDIS-side, it’s a case of Guys and Thalls (sorry) as a whole scatter of them, male and female in very tight or revealing outfits, crowd around the time machine and discuss how they might be able to open a dialogue between them and the Daleks. Sorry pal: Dalek dictionary is the shortest book in existence. Just one word. You know the one. I guess the thing is they haven’t seen the Daleks since the war (sure I’d hardly know ya!) and it seems they have changed but I guess we’ll hear all about that. Plant Boy is apparently called Hard-on, sorry Alydon, and his boss seems mightily pleased with himself. Well I suppose you would too, if you had a bevy of scantily-clad beauties flocking around you. BBC must really have been strapped for cash in the budget for female outfits. Very sad.

Hard-on’s leader asks him how old Susan is, and the Plant Boy replies “Oh, no longer a child, not yet a woman.” I suppose if Britney had access to a TARDIS of her own she could go back and retroactively sue him for copyright infringement? Seems Hard-on’s Thall babe is a bit pissed that he’s been flirting with the time traveller girl, but he declares “We’re all working towards the same end!” This tickles one of the other guys, who grins “Now there’s a double meaning for you!” Also a double meaning, I feel, is when the leader tells Hard-on that Dyoni, his bit of tail, sorry Thall, sees her future in him, and he does not answer (though I bet he wants to) yeah I see my future in her too! Dirty beggar. She is hot though. A real improvement on cave women. And Daleks. Subtext that says the two of them are engaged. The Bells are Ringing, for Me and My Thall? Sorry again,

Susan, surely to her chagrin, finds she travelled across time and space to an alien planet and is doing homework, as the Daleks dictate their (chortle again) offer to the Thalls. Luckily enough for them, the notorious “Exterminate-them-all Eddie” has been securely locked away, or their cunning plan would be blown. I think the Dalek on the left there is thinking “A SEC-RET-AR-Y! JUST WHAT THE DA-LEKS NEED! ASK HER FOR REF-ER-EN-CES!” Or maybe not. That’s probably the one who says, after Susan and the others have staged an argument in order to get the speaker/mic thing that the Daleks are using to listen in on them, “DO YOU THINK IT WAS BRO-KEN AC-CI-DENT-AL-LY?” Daleks can’t roll their eyes (don’t have them) but you get the impression from the other one of “NINE-TEEN THOU-SAND DA-LEKS TO CHOOSE FROM AND I GET THIS JOK-ER TO WORK WITH! WHAT GODS HAVE I OF-FEND-ED?”

Finally, after seven episodes, the Doctor has an idea! Hold on, strap yourselves in! It’s gonna be a bumpy ride! He realises the Daleks are like, um, dodgems, and are operated by electricity. Great. So just wait till they fail to pay the next electricity bill and we’re good, right? Ian though works out that the cloak Hard-on gave Susan is made of some insulating material, and since the floors are all metal and the Doctor believes the Daleks are using static electricity to move (don’t touch one then: might get a nasty shock!) they can use this to stop them when they enter their cell. All sounds a little iffy to me, but then, what about this is not iffy? Certainly the stupid Thalls, who make a very good case for extinction of the less intelligent, as they fall hook, line and, um, petal for the Dalek’s kind RSVP and a message that there is food waiting for them just outside the city, and pay no attention to that huge mousetrap-looking device - you wouldn’t believe the rat problem in this city.

https://i.postimg.cc/qRhZhskw/image-...-154145510.png

"BEND OV-ER! YOU WILL NOW BE PROBED!"

The escape plan is very hi-tech indeed: stop the door closing by jamming the listening device thing under it, then when the Dalek comes back sighing internally “WHAT THE FUCK IS IT NOW? I HAVE SOME IMP-ORT-ANT EX-TER-MIN-AT-ING TO DO!" they splatter muck from Susan’s boots over its lens to blind it and then push it onto the coat so that its electricity supply is cut off. Ian is a bit careless as the Dalek’s “gun” as they call it pushes right up against his chin: if the Dalek panics and fires he’s going to look a lot less attractive to Barbara without a head! Or, maybe not. I winder why his first instinct was to go for the long hard rigid thing sticking up out of the Dalek, hmmm? Probably coincidence. Yes, yes I'm sure there's nothing in it. You sort of have to feel for the Dalek as it wails “GET A-WAY FROM ME! GET A-WAY FROM ME!” the voice rising stridently, giving a good impression of someone crapping themselves. Ah, poor thing!

https://i.postimg.cc/qMpbThtN/DALEK2.png

"Here's mud in your eye, pal!"

They get a can-opener and pop the Dalek’s lid off (well, they open it anyway) and then scoop out the insides (oh come on now! We all know by now what’s inside a Dalek, and they just dump it out? What about the sanctity of human life? Daleks not human you say? You’ve just got all the answers today, don’t you?) Well Ian then becomes the first human to sit inside a Dalek - other than the guys who operate them for the show I guess - but since he can’t find the clutch they’re reduced to pushing him along like some sort of child’s toy. Kind of a metaphor for the whole show really at this point. Ludicrous isn’t a strong enough word. Well, as they probably say on this planet, Th-Th-Thall folks!

Sorry. I’m so very sorry.

Comments

Okay well it’s pretty damn stupid to think a Dalek can be put out of commission like one of the bumpers at Funderland (if you’re Irish) or Alton Towers or the amusement park of your choice. I mean, these things aren’t just wound up and let go. The explanation as to how they move is beyond stupid: “They must have mastered static electricity!” declares the Doctor. Wait, what? How does that work again? Ian points out that if, as the Doctor believes, the Daleks are just hi-tech dodgems that can and will kill you, where is the thingy with the sparks that always sticks out of the back of the dodgem and is used to move the thing along? Sorry for the technical jargon, but if a job is worth doing well…

I suppose if you accept this was meant to be a children’s programme, they could probably get away with half-baked logic like that, but it don’t wash with me, son. Still, at least there’s something happening this episode, instead of everyone just sitting around wondering what to do and/or screaming hysterically (some of the women are as bad) and we do get a decent amount of Dalek action, so that’s not bad. I like it when they talk to each other; get the idea that two of them are thinking WHO WAS EX-TER-MIN-AT-ED AND LEFT YOU IN CHARGE? I COULD HAVE BEEN LEAD-ER IF I HAD GONE TO THE PROP-ER DA-LEK SCHOOL LIKE SOME I COULD MEN-TION!

The Thalls though remind me of that dance troupe off Top of the Pops, Pan’s People, and it’s really hard to take them seriously. I kind of hope the Daleks do exterminate them. Anyone who trusts a Dalek deserves to die. Point of interest to nobody but myself, but one of the Thalls is played by Philip Bond, who was Albert Fraser in The Onedin Line. There, I told you it was of interest to nobody but me. It’s quite funny when Ian gets into the Dalek - how can he fit? The things are far too small! - and starts talking in the Dalek voice. Hilarious when they have to push him: how long is that going to fool his fellow Daleks? And what about the poor old actual Dalek creature left behind under the leafy cloak Hard-on was wearing? Where’s me shell? he’s surely thinking: Bloody City of the Dead! No wonder crime is going up! Bet that’s Exterminate-everything Eddie again! One shell not enough for ya dude?

Diagnosing the Doctor

It has to be said that he actually starts to earn his keep this episode, as he’s the one who discovers how the Daleks work, though to be fair that’s about all he does. Oh, and he engages in the mock fight to allow them to knock down the listening device thing, but then, they all do that. I’d say he’s making a little more use of himself here, but still not very much. It’s hard to see him as anything else than a passenger here. If you didn’t know the show, I think you would ask “why did they bring the old guy along?” He really mostly just gets in the way, and I guess in the end this must have been seen as a valid concern, as future Doctors (sorry) were all much younger, and have in fact I think got younger throughout the regenerations. I suppose as he’s required to be a bit more of an action hero now and less of a doddery old professor pointing things out, the old guy didn’t cut it any more. Besides, the kids would need someone they could relate to.

Doctor: First (William Hartnell) - S01E07 - 10/100 (At least he’s out of negative figures)

Charting the Companions

It’s really the trio that move the episode along, considerably easier than they end up moving Ian in the Dalek. Ian is full of good ideas, consulting with the Doctor, Susan meets the Thalls (but not the Little Fockers, at least not yet) and acts as the go-between for them and the Daleks, and even Barbara’s grey matter is working this week, as she taps the mud off Susan’s shoe in order to blind the Dalek. Ah, teamwork eh? And let’s not forget Ian in the Dalek. By the way, surely it would have made more sense for Susan, as the smallest, to go inside the shell? Oh sorry I forgot: girls didn’t do that sort of thing in 1963. Most undignified and not at all ladylike.

Susan: 25/100
Ian: 15/100
Barbara: 5/100

https://i.postimg.cc/W3gM5JHx/clip4.png
"OH MY HEAD! WHAT WAS I DRINK-ING LAST NIGHT? FEELS LIKE IT'S
https://i.postimg.cc/zvkTrY5j/clip5.png

SPLIT-TING APART! SOME-ONE GET ME SOME PA-RA-CE-TE-MOL!"

Title of episode: “The Ambush”
Title of Serial: The Daleks
Part: 4 of 7
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companion(s): Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright
Written by: Terry Nation
Original air date: January 18 1964

With the farcical idea of Ian inside a Dalek shell kicking this off, can we expect much? I suppose we can, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to get it, does it? I wonder if the Daleks have membership of the AA? “LOOK! NUM-BER SIX-ONE-NINE HAS BRO-KEN DOWN! WHO HAS THE MEM-BER-SHIP CARD? WHAT? NO, I DIS-TINCT-LY RE-MEM-BER YOU TAK-ING IT, NUM-BER FOUR-FIVE-THREE! YOU DID! YOU BLOOD-Y DID! DON’T YOU CALL ME A LI-AR YOU FAT SACK OF -” Maybe not. Oh come on now! How is that not a sexual innuendo? After literally days of trying to get Barbara interested, Ian finally has her leading him by the di - um - sintergator probe. Yeah. Actually, now I look, both women are holding his long, thick, hard, um, probe. But isn’t Susan underage? For shame! Who ever heard of a male teacher messing with a younger female student? Um.

https://i.postimg.cc/8CFdrYBp/clip-1.png

Yeah, we all know what men are led by, don't we?

“Let go!” snaps Ian. “I think I’ve found out how to operate this thing!” And up his probe rises, as the two women let go of it. All right, all right: enough smut, I know. You’re no fun anymore. What’s that you say? You were never fun? Well, all right then. Oh dear. Seems our Ian may be n the mood for a little gender-bending, as he directs the Doctor to get in front, and the old man grabs his - yes, yes, all right! I know! I’m getting to it. Hey, I have to do something to get through this, you know? Their clever plan falls apart the moment they meet a real Dalek - did they even think this one through? Now we get some Dalek-on-Dalek action as we have a threesome with Susan being probed from in front and behind! Oh shut up, it’s my way. You try writing this! She certainly has a cheeky little smirk on her face I must say.

Perhaps making a case for Daleks not after all being the most intelligent creatures in the universe, the other one allows the Ian-Dalek to take charge of the “prisoners”. Doesn’t even check with Dalek Central. “Uh, no, negative, negative! We got a fuel leak up here. We’re all okay now, thanks. How are you?” And the Doctor then shows how technically gifted he is by blocking the door by the ingenious expedient of, um, pulling out the plug. Ah, like Scotty says, the more complicated the wiring, the easier it is to clog up the plumbing, or something. Now the quantum-penny drops for the other Dalek, as he realises he has been duped. “THERE IS NO OR-DER TO TRANS-FER THE PRI-SON-ERS!” Dalek Control informs him. “BOL-LOCKS!” growls the other Dalek. “THEY’LL PUT ME ON NIGHT GUARD DU-TY FOR A MONTH! THOSE FUCK-ING HU-MANS! I KNEW WE SHOULD HAVE EX-TER-MIN-AT-ED THEM!”

Behind the door the others try in vain to get Ian out of the Dalek shell, but as Luke Skywalker once noted, got something wedged in here real good, my friend! Maybe he shouldn’t have got so excited about everyone grabbing his probe. Cold shower, that’s what I recommend. Watch a gardening programme, or a party political broadcast. Listen to some Michael Buble. Hold on: might have gone a little too far there. Fair enough: no need for torture now, is there? Outside more Daleks have gathered, as everyone swears they don’t have the key. “I LEFT IT ON THE SIT-TING ROOM TAB-LE!” Insists one. “I THINK I SAW EX-TER-MIN-ATE EV-ERY-THING ED-DIE RUN OFF WITH IT!” shouts another. “OH GOOD FUCK-ING BOLLOCKS AND SHITE ON A STICK!” Growls another. “IF HE’S LOOSE WE ARE ALL IN TROUB-LE!” Another agrees. “I MEAN, I’M ALL FOR EX-TER-MIN-AT-ING, BUT THAT GUY WANTS TO EX-TER-MIN-ATE ALL THE TIME! HE’S FREAK-ING NUTS!” None of which, of course, gets the door open.

https://i.postimg.cc/qqr2Svfq/clip-2.png

"HIS FLAME CON-TROL IS EX-CEL-LENT!"
"I WANT-ED ONE OF THOSE THINGS BUT THERE IS A SIX MONTH BACK-LOG ON OR-DERS!"
"YOU SHOULD HAVE TRIED AM-A-ZON."
"I DID. THEY ARE EIGHT MONTHS BACK-LOGGED."
"CAN YOU TWO SHUT THE FUCK UP? I'M TRY-ING TO WORK HERE!"

But this will. “STAND BACK!” shouts one. “I’VE BEEN DY-ING TO TRY OUT MY NEW AC-ET-YL-ENE TORCH AT-TACH-MENT! COST ME A BUN-DLE IT DID, BUT WORTH EVE-RY CRE-DIT!” And he begins to burn through the door. Ian, still stuck in the Dalek, unable to be moved now that the floor has been magnetised (?) says leave me here and the Doctor says “Right you are!” and is already on his way when the two women say “No, we’re not leaving you.” Ian says to Barbara “There’ll be plenty of time to stroke my probe later dear,” (or maybe I made that up) and off they go. The Doctor promises to send the lift back down for him once they get out. Yeah right.
https://y.yarn.co/6205de32-8a49-4a23...c7245_text.gif
The lift seems to go down, then up? Susan reckons she hasn’t had a hysterical fit since, oh, last episode, so time for one, and it’s a good one, the Doctor having to restrain her, and things are back to normal. Who needs Ian anyway? It’s not as if they’re falling apart without him. The Doctor has everything under control, oh yes. They do however make it (duh) and send the lift back for Ian, who can be heard, having struggled out of the Dalek shell, shouting “I’m coming!” Thought that was the problem in the first place, the reason he couldn’t get out of the shell? Sorry. Anyway the four are reunited (hoorah!) and the Daleks burst through the door (boo!) and destroy the empty Dalek shell, ruining its original owner’s no-claims bonus and leaving him like a homeless snail (no shell, see?) as they stop the lift, but too late.

Seems our heroes have gone right to the penthouse suite, and through a window Barbara thinks she sees someone moving in the city down below. Nobody seems to consider that the Daleks are surely on their way now, trying to ignore than awful elevator music you get, and arguing over which floor they think the humans have gone to, with one (there’s always one, isn’t there?) complaining that he is claustrophobic and praying the lift won’t get stuck. Yeah actually only one of the fat bastards can fit, but he does give the order we’ve all been waiting for: “THEY ARE TO BE EX--TER-MIN-AT-ED!” Yay! Just in case his Dalek buddies didn’t understand, he repeats “YOU UN-DER-STAND? EX-TER-MIN-AT-ED!” The others look at him in awe. WHAT A GREAT WORD!” breathes one. “HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH THAT?” The one in the lift says “IT JUST CAME TO ME. YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT, THEY ARE TO BE KILLED JUST HAS-N’T GOT, WELL, THAT PUNCH YOU NEED. THEY ARE TO BE DES-TROYED IS NOT WITH-OUT ITS CHARM. BUT THAT WORD: EX-TER-MIN-ATE: IT SUITS SO WELL. I AM GO-ING TO USE IT A LOT MORE IN FUT-URE!”

And so a legendary catchphrase is born.

The Doctor somehow manages to open the door while Ian and crew drop heavy objects down on the lift, which, I don’t know, maybe stops it coming up? Hard to say. They leg it anyway. Meanwhile the trusting and surely soon-to-be-exterminated Thalls are pushing their shopping trolleys into AsDa(lek) (sorry) hoping to fill up on supplies and avoid any Dalek who tries to interest them in the City of the Dead Loyalty Card Scheme. The Doctor and his munchkins head off to try to warn them that they’re walking into an ambush, and possibly to suggest they consider having brains surgically installed. The Doctor as ever is ready to sacrifice, um, the Thalls to the Daleks. “We cannot jeopardise my - I mean, our lives - our lives for something which is none of our business!” he states, reciting the very opposite of what will become the Doctor’s raison d’etre. But he’s old, the Thalls are young, and he probably rightly hates them. And since there are no clouds to yell at, he yells at his companions, who probably begin wondering if that rest home on Bide-a-Wee VII might not be worth a second look?

Ian elects to be the big hero and stay behind while the others shamelessly beat a retreat to the safety of the TARDIS, and the Doctor says “Good on ya. See you in future regenerations maybe.” And off he fucks, taking the ladies with him and probably already composing Ian’s epitaph. Or more likely wondering when someone will give him a nice hot dinner and put Antiques Roadshow on the TARDIS's video. Ian, rather strangely, considering he stayed behind to warn the Thalls, does nothing of the sort, and just watches as they walk into the Dalek trap. Oh wait, he does: at the last moment. Thankfully the Thall leader is exterminated: that guy was really getting on my wick. The Daleks’ superior brains fail to alert them to the fact that they’re passing by Thalls who have cleverly concealed themselves in the niches in the walls, and they just roll on by. Hard-on survives, curse it. Now he’s the boss. Sure he didn’t know about the ambush?

https://i.postimg.cc/wBSX5k0h/clip3.png

How considerate of the Daleks: they even gave them toilet rolls! No panic buying here then!

Back at the TARDIS, the Doctor is chatting up one of the pretty Thall girls. I suppose as lines go, “You know, my dear, it’s bigger inside than outside,” isn’t the worst, but it could be misunderstood. Dirty old get. Hard-on has a great idea for defeating the Daleks. Ian asks him what would he do if the Daleks could leave their city, and he replies they would go away, back to the plateau they came from. Great idea. Daleks hate plateaux. And stairs. And hills. Anything high, anything they have to move upwards towards that hasn't got its own handy lift. Once upon a time, walking up some steps would have defeated the Daleks. Until someone had the bright idea to allow them to fly. Ah fuck. Oh well. It was good while it lasted but everything evolves. After all, as Jim Morrison once sang, “Babe we couldn’t get much HIGHER!”

Seems the Thalls are a bunch of pantywaisters, pacifists who would rather die than fight. Pussies. Having got nowhere with the Thall babe - it might have been when he offered to show her his sonic screwdriver that things took a turn for the worse - the Doctor is again eager to blow this planet (if nobody will blow him - stop it!) and is ready to follow his own personal Prime Directive, which states, and I quote: if in doubt get the fuck out.

The women and Ian argue to sta - oh no wait they don’t. No, they’re all quite happy to leave the Thalls to face the Daleks and get out of Dodge, until they realise Ian has only gone and left the keys to the TARDIS back in the city! D’oh! Those sneaky Daleks half-inched them when they searched him, and though they promised they would be returned when he was exterm - ah, that is, when he left, they’ve hung on to them. So either they get out and push the big blue box or… back to the city to try to explain to the Daleks that all that escaping and throwing rocks at their lift was a big misunderstanding, and could they please have their keys back?

I doubt the Daleks are going to be in a receptive mood. I know I'm not.

Comments

Has to be said that more happens this time, with a decent amount of Dalek action and FINALLY some exterminating! Only good Thall is a dead Thall, say i! Seeing Ian trying to struggle out of the Dalek shell reminds me of that time my cat, greedy thing, got her head stuck in a cat food can and was banging it off the side of the wall to try to get it off! The Dalek ambush is cool, as is seeing them going along one behind the other singing “COS WE GOT A MIGH-TY CON-VOY, TRUCK-IN’ THROUGH THE NIGHT! WE GOT A MIGHT-Y CON-VOY, AIN’T SHE A BEAU-TI-FUL SIGHT? COME ON, JOIN OUR CON-VOY, AIN’T NOT-HIN’ GON-NA GET IN OUR WAY!” Or maybe not.

Overall though the story is AGAIN concerned with our heroes running away and trying to escape. It’s becoming somewhat of a tiresome cliche at this stage. I do wonder how the Daleks end up leaving the city? Why are they stuck there? Can’t start a time war if you can’t even get beyond the four walls. Something must happen. Rather like this serial. Some of the logic used here is again ridiculous. Magnetised floors? Doors? Huh? And how the Doctor opens the door in the penthouse is not explained. Really hard to see how this became the iconic hit it has, but I guess it’s early days yet. Suppose the BBC must have been very forgiving. And the Daleks were a big hit. Page one: get the kids hooked on the monster, and they won’t care too much about the story.

Diagnosing the Doctor

Oh he’s lost any ground he gained last episode! Back to the selfish, cowardly old man whose only concern is saving his own skin. Future regenerations must look back and this and shake their heads and think “What WAS I like?” He’s happy to leave the Thalls and the Daleks to it, and makes no bones about it. He also loses points for being a creepy old man around the Thall girl, and very definitely looking down her less-than-covered top when she leans down (well I know I did) and for being the one to slow everyone down again thanks to his bloody age. Also, he jumps at the chance to throw Ian to the Daleks when he offers to stay behind, to leave him stuck in the Dalek shell and bail for the lift with the vague promise of sending it back, and to allow the Thalls to be ambushed (well they deserve to be). A piss-poor performance all around, only saved by a slight bit of knowledge as he asks the Thall girl if he can see her etchings. Isn't that usually the other way around?

Doctor: First (William Hartnell) - S01E08 - Minus 25/100

(Sinking right back into those negative figures)

Charting the Companions

Ian has definitely to be commended for his selfless sacrifice as he offers to stay behind, and warn the Thalls, and for his lecture (very teacher-like) to those selfsame Thalls that what they need in their lives is what Rimmer once described as good old blood-and-guts, death-or-glory violence. That’d sort those Daleks out. Maybe a stern talking-to, suggest the Thalls, at which Ian sneers.

Susan gets some points for distracting the Dalek as the Ian-Dalek comes out, saying “Ooh, look at the size of your probe! I’ve never been taken from behind by a Dalek before!” But otherwise she mostly spends the episode screaming and pulling her grandfather along like a wheeled toy on a string. Not a lot to say there.

But more than Barbara, who, other than helping Ian and Susan drop heavy things, Die Hard style, but minus the Willis wisecracks and with neither of them in something so common as a vest, down on the lift bringing up the Dalek, does. I mean, she hardly has any lines, and other than banging fruitlessly at a window when she knows they’re miles up anyway and no Thall is going to hear her, little to do.

Susan: 5/100
Ian: 25/100
Barbara: Minus 10/100

https://i.postimg.cc/brbSSqhk/clip6.png
"WATCH CON-TROL SCREAM LIKE A GIRL WHEN I JUMP OUT AT HIM!"

Title of episode: “The Expedition”
Title of Serial: The Daleks
Chronology: 2nd serial, 9th episode overall
Part: 5 of 7
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companion(s): Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright
Written by: Terry Nation
Original air date: January 18 1964

As the Doctor beats Ian over the head growling “You stupid boy!” they make their way back to the city, where the Daleks are looking at home slides it would appear. Not quite sure what the deal is but I think they’ve managed to bug the trio - or one of them - as they’re able to get shots of them meeting with the Thalls. Mind you, for an advanced race they sure know ****-all about photograph development: I got better pictures than those the first time I picked up a Praktika SLR camera, and I would have been about thirteen at the time. Barely discernible at all; no Photoshop for them, then! Our next scene shows us an outraged Hard-on saying to Ian “No! And that is my final word!” as Ian shrugs and says “Doesn’t anyone on the stupid planet want to have sex?” Ah well.

Barbara can’t understand Ian’s reluctance to encourage the Thalls to fight the Daleks, thus helping them get into the city. “I won’t ask them to sacrifice themselves for us!” he declares. The Doctor can’t understand this attitude either. Surely ALL races should consider it a great honour to sacrifice themselves for him? Them. Them, of course he meant. No doubt, if he could drive them all before him with a quantum whip, have the Daleks exterminate them and in the confusion grab the doodad to get his TARDIS back on the road, he’d do it faster than you can say “The Face of Bo”. Meh, maybe next regeneration, when he’s feeling stronger. Sucks being old. Ian is the real pacifist now, the moraliser who refuses to throw the Thalls to the wolves, sorry Daleks. He asks acidly “When so many of them have died, will you hold up the (whatever the fuck it’s called: let’s keep saying doodad - I like that word, and want to use it more in general conversation) doodad and say this is what you fought and died for?” Well of course not, thinks the Doctor. We’ll be long gone by then!
https://i.postimg.cc/DzQmQxJ4/clip-10.png
"DOES-N'T AN-Y-ONE CLEAN UP THIS FUCK-ING PLACE? LOOK AT THE STATE OF THIS!"

Ian finally forces the Thalls to grow a pair when he tries to take Naomi sorry Dyomi to the Daleks, and Hard-on hits him with a completely soundless punch. Those cutbacks, huh? Oh you brute! Thinks Dyomi. I thought you were a peaceful man! My mother was right. I should never have chosen you! Back in the city, one of the Daleks is in a spin, literally, crying “HELP! CAN-NOT CON-TROL! HELP ME! HELP ME!” Probably shouldn’t have had that third Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster. Actually no, it turns out that one, and all the ones in that sector, are, well, high. With the title of the episode being "The Expedition", that's another word for trip, isn't it? Sorry. “ALL DA-LEKS IN SEC-TION THREE ARE IN-CAP-AB=LE OF WORK-ING!” shouts one Dalek. “LA-ZY BAS-TARDS!” a second one does not shout. “A SPELL IN THE AR-MY WOULD DO THEM A GAL-AX-Y OF GOOD! MY BRO-THER WAS A WAS-TREL AND THE AR-MY SOR-TED HIM RIGHT OUT!” Ignoring him, a third remarks "SEC-TION THREE? THAT WAS THE FIRST ONE TO RE-CEIVE THE AN-TI-RA-DI-A-TION DRUGS!” The first one mutters “OH BOL-LOCKS! THEY’RE ALL OUT OF THEIR SKULLS! JUST SAY NO!”

The head Dalek announces the immediate cessation of distribution of the drugs. Section four and five groan “COME ON MAN! DON’T BE A BUZZ-KILL! DON’T HOLD OUT ON US LIKE THIS!” But it seems Dalek City now has a zero-tolerance drug policy. THIS IS YOUR BRAIN! THIS IS YOUR BRAIN EX-TER-MIN-AT-ED ON DRUGS! Hard sell indeed. They realise that far from being damaged or hurt by radiation, Daleks thrive on it, and without it they are dying. No prob, bob: they still have that stash of neutron bombs that they bought wholesale at a one-time-only, never-to-be-repeated price - enter coupon code EXTERMINATE for a further ten percent off - and sure, there’s no point in them sitting there in the basement all covered in dust and of no use to anyone, like that Bullworker you bought, used once and then threw into a corner.

https://i.postimg.cc/TwR1tng7/clip-7.png
"Sorry, Hard-on, it's over. I can't be with a man who won't fight for me. Ian may be a bit of a caveman but -"
"Oh, darling!"
"I've seen the tapes, Ian."

The Daleks decide the Republican environmental approach is best: if you can’t or don’t want to adapt to the environment, adapt the environment to suit you. And if you’re a race that lives on radiation, that’s bad news for all other races. Or, as the Republicans would put it, fuck your feelings. Apparently, all it took was one man fighting for his bird to overthrow centuries of Thall pussyness, and now they’re all fired up and ready to fight. “Let’s DO this thing!” roars one, punching a tree and breaking his wrist probably. Meanwhile, down in the swamp behind the city something stirs. It may be the BBC Radiophonics Workshop. Or it may be mutants. Or it may be mutants from the BBC Radiophonics Workshop. Ian seems to have hit it off with Ganatus, the other Thall of any consequence, and he, along with Barbara and some obvious cannon-fodder redshirts head off to recce the swamp. Lake. Thing. Whatever. Who really cares? “This place sucks,” quips Ian, and nobody laughs, as in 1964 that phrase doesn’t mean what it does today.

https://i.postimg.cc/jS7D2xRX/clip12.png

" A vortex? A fucking vortex? Who approved the funds for that? I thought we were told we would have to do with a few poxy ripples in the pool?"

You know, having been told there are mutants in the lake near the swamp, it wouldn’t strike me as a great idea to wash my face with the water, but no such concerns bother Ian as he intrepidly splashes stagnant water onto his face. Hopefully he’ll mutate into something less annoying. If there is such a creature. Looks like some sort of giant starfish with glowing eyes rising out of the swamp. Lake. Whatever. Anyway you just know someone’s gonna end up being its new carb-free diet, and so it proves as one of the other Thalls, whose name was mentioned but I don’t care heads down to fill up the water bags, unaware that the starfish thing is about to fill itself up with him. Oh dear.

Next episode is rather appropriately called “The Ordeal”. Yeah.

Comments

I suppose you have to give them some credit for trying to move the story along, but it’s still slower than a snail driving on the Tortoise Expressway. (“Slow down, you maniac!” yells an ancient turtle as the snail passes him by at the breakneck speed of three miles a week. “Wanna get yourself killed?") The Dalek stuff is more funny than intriguing; the bad trip section three goes on is unintentionally hilarious, and Daleks spinning around helplessly reminds me of a Doctor Who game I once had. Using the idea of a neutron bomb was topical for the time, as both the Russians and the Americans had been researching ways to kill maximum humans while leaving buildings and other infrastructure standing, and the neutron bomb was being tested as a means of achieving this. It’s kind of odd to read that the peacenik movement saved us from such a fate, as Reagan had to retire the last of his n-bombs (no, not n-words!) in 1992 as nobody in Europe would have them. No, not even if they got Green Stamps with them, or if for every ten bombs they took they got a free cowboy hat. Yay for the good guys, huh?

But on the planet of the Daleks there are no peaceniks, or if there are they have been exterminated, probably a job given to “Exterminate-Everything Eddie”, and there’s nobody to stop them deploying their neutron bombs. Plus, of course, focus groups on their planet are small and short-lived, literally. “WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS AD-VERT-IS-MENT? YOU DO NOT LIKE IT? YOU WILL BE EX-TER-MIN-AT-ED! WHAT? OH, YOU DID LIKE IT, DID YOU? YOU HAVE CHANGED YOUR MINDS! YOU ARE NOT RE-LI-AB-LE SOUR-CES. YOU WILL BE EX-TER-MIN-AT-ED!” And so on. And hey, if you need poisonous radiation to live, who cares about others? These are Daleks, man. Daleks. They don’t do feelings, or compromise, or stand in the other guy’s shoes. Well, not unless you count rolling over the dust that used to be the other guy, I guess.

The stubborn pacificism of the Thalls really gets on my wick. I suppose it’s hard to fight with such wide padded shoulders and in such tight pants, but come on! The ladies are watching. Don't you want to be a big brave freedom fighter, and go to your death knowing she occasionally - very occasionally - will think of you and a wistful smile will cross her face? Ian is probably the most annoying he’s been here, and that’s up against some pretty stiff competition with the performance the Doctor puts in, I can tell you. I’m also not clear on exactly how the Daleks are recording the images of the Thalls and the Companions. Was it explained at the beginning? Maybe it was, but I couldn’t hear it over the sound of my head beating repeatedly against the wall.

You know, we’ve had five episodes now and really very little action. This is the planet of the fucking Daleks, you know? Exterminate something already! Don’t just talk about it, do it. Sure, we had the ambush, but really, could you call it a massacre? A poor one, if so. These are the guys who are going to wipe out worlds, planetary systems, whole galaxies - time and reality itself! Don’t you think they could manage more than a few lightly-charred Thalls?

And what of the swamp, or lake, or whatever the damn hell it is? Don’t those starfish things closely resemble what we now know an actual Dalek looks like? Can these be some sort of distant cousin of the mobile pepper pots? And can I stand any more of this? All will be revealed next week, which will probably land me in the dock for indecent exposure, but however.

Diagnosing the Doctor

Oh God, would someone just slap him in the mouth for me? He’s back to that holding the lapels thing, like a college professor or teacher in a Victorian school. That really annoys me. He challenges Ian to a time traveller showdown, but nothing comes of it. His role in this episode basically seems to be sucking up to Barbara, hiding behind her and going “Yeah! That’s right! What she said!” while praising Susan for having faith in him. I mean, all though the damn serial - and the previous one - one burning question has been haunting me: what in the name of blue jumping fuck does he DO? So far all he’s really done is got them caught in the middle of a war (without, I should point out, the prospect of securing any oil fields or resources, as this is, as noted in the first episode, a dead planet) because he wanted to go down to the city and the grown-ups said no. Christ in a full radiation hazmat suit with a geiger counter! What’s the point of him? He even says ruefully “It looks like my little trick has backfired!” It’s a wonder the others don’t say “Backfired? I'll give you fucking backfired! Stupid old fool!”

Doctor: First (William Hartnell) - S01E09 - Minus 75/100

Charting the Companions

Reluctantly, though I hate him, I have to give this one to Ian. He’s the one trying to get the Thalls to fight, rather less successfully than Captain Kirk, and get them into the city. He threatens to give the Daleks the Thalls’ precious records, at which they shrug and say “Do it, dude. It’s just some old family movies and letters from dead people anyway. Don’t know why we keep them around.” Seeing this fail as a tactic, he grabs Dymoni and says he’ll take her to the Daleks. “Oh no you ****ing don’t squire!” grunts Hard-on. “Family pictures and embarrassing letters is one thing, but you take your hands off my squeeze! Take THAT!” Unfortunately, the BBC sound technician was busy noting that the dearth of material provided for the female Thalls affords one quite the opportunity to get a nice eyeful, oh my yes, and missed his cue. Since there was no point in trying to add in the sound after Ian had fallen, the sound is left out and it looks, well, as ridiculous as it sounds. But pain in the arse though he is, Ian does the most of the Companions this time around.

His sudden switch from “I won’t ask them to fight for us” to “I only want them to fight if it’s for them” is an odd one, and hard to get my head around. He gets no help from anyone else; Barbara basically challenges his manhood - what use is he, what children of his will she bear if he can’t even turn a peace-loving forest dweller into a bloodthirsty Navy SEAL? Mostly her role here is to nag, nag, and nag some more. And maybe nag a little. And nag. And eventually she drives Ian to action, if it’s only to try to adbuct the pretty Thall and get away from Barbara’s rasping tongue. Susan does just about nothing, though she does climb a tree, for some reason.

Susan: Minus 45/100
Ian: 65/100
Barbara: Minus 20/100

https://i.postimg.cc/VvnJjCzP/clip15.png
"Ian, do you really think now is a good time to demonstrate what a good arm wrestler you are?"

Title of episode: “The Ordeal”
Title of Serial: The Daleks
Chronology: 2nd serial, 10th episode overall
Part: 6 of 7
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companion(s): Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright
Written by: Terry Nation
Original air date: January 25 1964

Down by the lake, something stirs. The party rush towards the sound of a scream to see nothing but an empty water bag on the shore and a lot of debris floating around a whirlpool-y thing. “Not a worry,” says our man Ganatus. “Obviously yer man fell in, farted in terror as he drowned and that’s what made that whirly thing. Nothing to be concerned about. I never liked him anyway.” Ian says “There’s nothing we can do here”, which I read as “I will be fucked if I’m going in after some bastard I didn’t even know. Let’s get the hell out of here.” And they do, though one of the Thalls seems more upset than the others, and I’d wonder if the one wot done got sucked down by the big starfishy thing was his boyfriend? Hey, when on the planet of the Daleks, ya know? Back at the TARDIS, it’s quite funny how Susan suddenly can’t remember the simplest things, like the points of the compass. “There are corridors,” she tells the Doctor and Hard-On, “leading North, South, East and… and… um, um, er, ah - LINE?!” Well, she doesn’t, but the way she pauses makes it seem like she’s forgotten what comes after east.

The Doctor seems suddenly all pally with the Thalls - obviously only until he gets his doodad back - calling them “My friends”, while Hard-On says of the Daleks “I wish I knew what they had planned for us.” Believe me, me old mate, you don’t. You really don’t. As it goes, the Daleks have heard it will take 23 days before the neutron bomb is ready. They’re not impressed. “FUCK THAT FOR A GAME OF GAL-AC-TIC WAR-RI-ORS!” says Control. “I WANT RAD-IA-TION AND I WANT I NOW!” Meanwhile, Ganatus is getting his hole - oh I mean getting into Barbara’s hole. Well, okay, travelling through a hole - all right all right! A cave! You’re no fun - with Barbara, and I can see sparks flying. Oh no wait: that’s just my overloaded plugboard giving up at last. But there does seem to be some attraction between the tall, handsome Thall and the shy, retiring, prim and proper teacher. Ooooh!

https://i.postimg.cc/g26vgn4j/clip-13.png

"Heigh-Ho, heigh-ho, it's off to work we go..."

They locate a sort of tunnel and, oh hell I don’t know. I can feel my brain cells dying one by one as I suffer through this. Anyway Ganatus goes down on Barbara - sorry, sorry! goes down while Barbara pays out the rope, but of course she’s a girl and can’t do anything right, so the rope slips and our Ganatus ends up on his arse in a sort of cave. Beneath the cave. If you know what I mean, and if you don’t I don’t care. There are lots of tunnels branching off from this under-cave, so they all swarm down to have a butcher’s. Meanwhile, back in the Dalek city, Control bemoans the lack of digital HD quality visual signals. “ARE THERE PIC-TURES?” he asks, to which another Dalek shrugs “NO, THE RE-CEP-TION IS BAD!” Well, it is the BBC, mate. Know exactly how you feel. Remember ghosting? No? Then sod ya.

https://i.postimg.cc/L6WtkztG/clip-12.png
"Just stringing you along? Why, Ganatus! Whatever gave you that idea?"

The Thalls plod along through the caves while the Doctor and Susan get back into the city somehow and short out the system: some nonsense about static electricity, the key to the TARDIS and a bag of rubber bands. Well, maybe not the last, but it might as well be, for all the sense this makes. Ian and Ganatus try to out-hero each other as they come, Star Wars-like, to a cliff over which they’re going to have to jump. Please fall, please fall, please … aw. Back in the city, the Doctor’s self-satisfaction at blocking the power to the Daleks quickly fades as the Daleks capture them and let them in on the little surprise they have for the Thalls. Oh, and Ian is about to go over the edge as one of the other Thalls - the one who might be the boyfriend of the starfishy things's breakfast, and who has been moaning about how they're all going to die, is proven right as he jumps and doesn’t make it. Sigh. Oh well, nearly there: one more to go. Be brave, be brave.

Comments

Jesus, this is the worst and most boring episode so far. Nothing really happens, and the little that does is so hard to follow it’s - well, it’s not so much that it’s hard to follow, you just couldn’t be bothered. Again it’s a lot of wandering around doing nothing much - this time in caves - and even the slight excitement of one of the Thalls falling is not enough to lift this piece of tripe out of the rubbish bin. It’s just terrible; incohesive, slow, dull, boring, incomprehensible. After a reasonable cliff-hanger ending last time, it just kind of sticks its hand in its pockets, shrugs and shuffles off uncertainly. It’s hard even to find anything to write about it. Even the Daleks have decided they couldn’t be arsed waiting around for three weeks for the N-Team to get their shit together and sort out a simple neutron bomb. I mean, how hard can it be? It’s not rocket sc - oh. Wait.

Well anyway it’s boredom on steroids, and sadly most of the episode is taken up by the tedious Thalls and Ian doing their version of the seven dwarfs or something. There’s not enough Dalek in it, and when they’re there they’re more kind of cameo roles than anything. Susan makes herself a little useful but is still talking constantly in that annoyingly hysterical scream voice, and the Doctor seems inordinately pleased with himself. I wondered, before this began, why it was called “The Ordeal.” Now I know.

Diagnosing the Doctor

Note: I’m starting a new system wherein each character (including the Doctor) gets ten points if they do something positive, minus ten for something negative or annoying.

Sure, he thinks he’s sorted everything out by cutting the power to the Dalek city, but if he has done, then how is it the Daleks can still move around? Shouldn’t they all be impersonating Collectors’ Edition Boxed Deluxe Dalek Specials, a snip at $99 plus tax and shipping? But they’re rolling, rolling, rolling without a care in the world. So what’s the point? His smugness in this episode is even more annoying than his all but absence in the previous ones, but I suppose he is at least extracting his digit and doing something, so that has to be worth something. His impassioned appeal to the Daleks not to blow them all to kingdom come so they can bask in some lovely gamma rays falls on deaf ears, or it would, if Daleks have ears. Still not impressed. Given that he both does something useful - stretching the meaning of the word to breaking point - and is very annoying, both his scores cancel out and he ends up where he was last episode.

Doctor: First (William Hartnell) - S01E10 - Minus 75/100

Charting the Companions

As most of the action focuses on him, Ian is the star this time around, leading the Thalls deeper into the cave and then helping them swing across like demented Tarzans, and it’s pretty clear he ain’t too happy about the burgeoning friendship between Ganatus and Barbara. Well, something is definitely burgeoning in Ganatus’s pants, anyway. Maybe we’ll see a fight for Barbara! After all, who cares what she thinks, right?

Speaking of Barbara, she does a little spelunking with Ganatus (it’s a word used for going exploring in caves, you filthy…) so at least she’s making herself useful, though I do find the quip her big brawny new best friend makes a bit pointless, as he says they won’t honour the custom of ladies first that they observe on her planet. How the hell did he know about that? It’s hardly something you’d drop in a casual conversation is it?

Susan is as usual pretty much useless, though she does eventually remember than the fourth direction of the compass is west, and she cleverly works out that the panel the Doctor is trying to open in order to bugger up the city’s power and really piss off the Dalek Electricity Board slides up, and is not on a hinge. Clever girl! Who says they’re only good for making babies?
https://c.tenor.com/3IgbgBX7iDUAAAAC...ont-ask-me.gif
Ian gets I suppose 20 points as he does all right, while Barbara does more than just sit around crying and claiming they’re all going to die, and wishing she was back marking pupils’ homework, so 10 for her. Susan I can really not award anything to, leaving us with this score at the end of the episode, which pretty much reflects how terrible this one is, and it's got some stiff competition. I almost miss Za. Well, no I don't, but it's a close-run thing.

Susan: Minus 45/100
Ian: 85/100
Barbara: Minus 10/100

https://i.postimg.cc/BZdFNZ7m/clip20.png
"Like Trollheart, I feel I have reached the end of my rope!"

Title of episode: “The Rescue”
Title of Serial: The Daleks
Chronology: 2nd serial, 11th episode overall
Part: 7 of 7
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companion(s): Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright
Written by: Terry Nation
Original air date: February 1 1964

I won’t deny I’m relieved to be finally getting to the end of this, and considering this is the one where the Daleks are introduced to the world, this does not bode well for the rest of the series. I mean, I thought once our exterminating friends rolled onto the screen I would be hooked, and the series would start picking up, but, well, that has not been the case. The story, up to now (and I have no reason to assume this final part will change anything) has been dull, slow, plodding, unimaginative and at times downright insulting to my intelligence - Daleks powered by static electricity? Pull the other one mate, it’s got a foot on. Well, what the hell did you expect to be on the end of my leg? Bells? Think you need to see a doctor, pal. Oh, and, word to the wise? Not this one. He doesn’t seem to know his arse from a hole in the ground, or to put it in the parlance of the series, he doesn’t know a sonic screwdriver from Sonic the Hedgehog. Yes, I know the little blue guy has not been designed yet: I’m just trying to stretch out the time and avoid plunging back into the world of mediocrity which formed what the BBC thought was great science fiction television. Oh well, no getting away from it forever. Here we go!

Oh right, yeah. A literal cliffhanger last week, as the moany Thall who wants to go home makes a typical effort at jumping, misses and hangs there on a rope secured to, well, Ian, who now starts to go over the edge. Know how you feel, son! I’m just holding on by my fingernails too! Strangely enough, nobody seems to think of sorting the situation by the simple expedient of cutting the - oh! Look at that! Moany Thall proves himself a man in the end, whipping out his knife and doing the decent thing. As he plunges to his death, Wile E. Coyote-like, with a last final moan and a cry of “I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE GONE HOMMMMMMMEEE! Ian is saved. Well, you can’t have everything I guess.
https://i.postimg.cc/3xhv5STp/clip21.png

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO LEARN A-BOUT OUR LOY-AL-TY PRO-GRAMME? SCAN WITH YOUR DE-VICE TO CON-TIN-UE!"

Back with the Daleks, we get the first mention of their planet’s name, as Control calls is Skaro, which I think in Dalek language means "shit hole", but I could be wrong. Yeah I am: looking at my Dalek-English dictionary I see I forgot to take the accented second syllable into account: a common mistake. Skaro, then, translates as "irradiated shit hole". Okay. The Daleks want to get out of the city and roll across the planet, luxuriating in the lovely radiation to the stirring tones of Matt Munro singing “Born Free” or something, and anyone who doesn’t like it can stick it up their exterminating probe, apparently. This very definitely includes the Doctor, and you’d have to wonder how he ever becomes their most implacable enemy. He now tells the Daleks he has a ship that can take them off the planet, and when they sneer that his race is not evolved enough to create such a machine, he tells them that they have a part of it here.

“WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?” asks the Dalek.
“A metal rod with metal on either end,” replies the Doctor helpfully.
“OH YES!” responds the Dalek sarcastically, or maybe not. “YOU DO NOT FOR-GET A THING LIKE THAT! LET ME GO CHECK THE LOST AND FOUND DE-PART-MENT!”

Meanwhile Hard-On decides now is the time to attack. They may be farmers, he says, but have they forgotten how to fight? The request of one unnamed Thall for a refresher course, preferably in the six to eight months range, goes unheeded. As the Doctor tries to reason with the Daleks, one says “NOT-THING CAN STOP THE DA-LEKS! EX-CEPT A GEN-TLE SLOPE OR STAIR-CASE. THAT WILL BUG-GER US UP A TREAT. BUT YOU DID’N’T HEAR THAT FROM ME. THE OTH-ERS WILL BE SO MAD! WHY DID I SAY THAT? I AL-WAYS OP-EN MY SPEECH SYN-THES-ISER BE-FORE I EN-GAGE MY POS--I-TRON-IC MAT-RIX! IT’S A REAL PROB-LEM!”

https://i.postimg.cc/VLnChy3m/clip22.png
"Doctor, I feel I have to disagree with you when you try to convince me that the BBC are an equal opportunities employer!"

More running around in Santa’s grotto for the Thalls, who have now linked up with Ian and his merry band, none of which, for some reason, can be seen by the Daleks even though they’re LITERALLY STANDING BEHIND THEM. I mean, these things swivel as they go: how can they fail to see a bunch of humanoids standing a few feet behind them? Maybe they’re distracted by the Dalek counting down to their game of Hide-and-Seek: THIR-TY ONE, THIR-TY, TWEN-TY NINE…

It’s good to see our heroes have access to the very latest and most sophisticated weapons available. Um, rocks. Yeah. And they stop a Dalek by, uh, jumping on it and hugging it. STOP IT! STOP IT! EM-OT-ION IS NOT PER-MIT-TED! AW, DO YOU REA-LLY FIND ME CUTE? Jesus Christ! When the power that Ian and his band have knocked out kicks in - as in, when the power stops flowing - and the Daleks start falling over, one actually cries! WAH-HAH! Priceless! Never heard that before. So the Daleks are defeated due to a power cut and then being pushed over. Incredible. How did they ever rise to become Galactic Enemy Number One?

And that’s it. A bit of pontificating from a very smug Doctor who let’s be honest did very little this episode, as in most so far, a bit of sellotape and some chewing gum and we’re off on another adventure.

Comments

Well it certainly lived up to its billing, didn’t it? The final confrontation between the most evil and heartless race in the known universe and humans and Thalls ends with the Daleks being something of a pushover. Literally. I laugh in your general direction, Mr. Nation. That was beyond terrible. After fooling us into thinking this was building up to something, it just fizzles out and we’re left with useless crying Daleks. God almighty. Throughout the entire serial there’s been about as much action as a good episode of Murder, She Wrote, and it’s made a good deal less sense, a claim I do not make lightly. I would say let’s hope for better, but when you’ve had the apex predator, the star turn of the show and they’ve proved to be nothing much, what is there left to look forward to? I can’t help but think the next serial is going to be even worse, and that it’s basically downhill from here for a while, till we at least get some half-decent stories going.

I hesitate to castigate Nation over the serial, but I can’t honestly say it was all that much better than the first. In some ways, it was actually worse. Getting to see the Daleks was good, though not quite the treat I had expected - I know they were a work in progress at this point - but the story itself was about as laughable as something that’s very laughable. If it hadn’t been for the Daleks themselves capturing the public imagination, this could have been the end of Doctor Who.

Maybe we would have all been better off if it had been.

Diagnosing the Doctor

Basically all he does this episode, so far as I can see, is moan at the Daleks that they’re mean, and try to change minds which are about as set in stone as a certain sword for a certain king by a certain wizard. He displays none of the canny alien/mechanical knowledge he will later be famous for, he does nothing to help - in fact, till rescued he’s literally chained to the wall like some oddly-shaped shelf - and then at the end he goes all lapel-holding, nose-in-the-air, I-saved-the-day. To quote the prophet Isiah in Deuteronomy 4:22 - fuck that guy.

Doctor: First (William Hartnell) - S01E11 - Minus 85/100

Charting the Companions

Susan, like her bloody useless grandfather, spends the episode chained to the wall, which might be kinky if she wasn’t still at school (stop that!) and then tries on a Thall coat and falls over for some reason, to the merriment and laughter of nobody. Barbara follows Ian and has a semi-romantic failure to launch with Ganatus, leaving him standing outside the TARDIS as she does a female Trevor Howard, without the wave from the window. Because, well, there are none. Ian is action man, but I’m getting tired of him and hope he gets eaten by an alien stomach monster in the next serial.

Drat! I’ve looked ahead, and it doesn’t happen. Maybe next time.

Susan: Minus 45/100
Ian: 95/100
Barbara: Minus 20/100

https://i.postimg.cc/GmKrYP2z/eod1.png
"No, no Ian! The caveman serial is OVER! Think of your career, man! Is it really worth it?"

With the ill-advised confidence of a skinny kid who goes up to the big bully and taps him on the shoulder, I forge ahead, praying it can get no worse, fearful that this is a vain hope.

Title of episode: “The Edge of Destruction”
Title of Serial: The Edge of Destruction
Chronology: 3rd serial, 12th episode overall
Part: 1 of 2
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companion(s): Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright
Written by: David Whitaker
Original air date: February 8 1964
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikiped...taker-live.jpg
Oh dear. When the guy can’t even be bothered to title the episode different to that of the serial, it’s not a very good start is it? At least there are only two episodes in this, shortest one yet. So where’s Barry Maguire then? Oh no wait: that’s “The Eve of Destruction”. My mistake. A new writer, so can we hope for better? Well, to be honest, if the great Terry Nation couldn’t pull this out of the shit I don’t hold out much hope that some guy who may or may not be related to the whistling crooner is going to be any more successful, but we’ll see.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MdWGp3HQVjU

In an opening scene which is surely to become depressingly familiar, both to me and to the luckless Companions, who are surely wishing they had stayed at home after having faced homicidal Daleks bent on microwaving them and cavemen determined to, um, grunt at them a lot, the TARDIS is once again out of control and doing its own thing. First to regain consciousness is Barbara, who sounds, to be honest, as if she’s, um, having an orgasm. But hold on! This is 1964! This is the BBC! A WOMAN having - ahem - reaching, ah, completion WITHOUT A MAN? Impossible, sir, I tell you! This may be science fiction for the little bra - um, kiddies, but you surely don’t expect US, grown men, to accept such a frankly preposterous claim? The very idea!

https://i.postimg.cc/fTjhn7xZ/eod2.png

"Hey! How about I put something on the juke-box, daddy-o?"
"There any Mozart on that thing?"

Barbara wanders around in the leather pants she no doubt accidentally switched with Ganatus when they were surprised in bed - I wonder if her dress fits him? - already changing her image from staid, prim teacher to rock chick, while Ian murmurs “Five more minutes, mum, please. I have double French today and the teacher hates me. I know I am the teacher. That’s the problem!” For some reason she calls him Ian Chesterton, with a question mark at the end. Why? How many Ians are on the TARDIS? Susan appears and does a good impression of an extra for Night of the Living Dead, and seems to have lost her memory. Good: she won’t remember what a **** actress she is. Her career might be sav - oh no. She’s remembered and she’s already screaming “Grandfather!” Normal service has been resumed. Ian seems to think he’s back on Earth, and in school. The Doctor is lying on his side, doing nothing. Normal service has definitely resumed. Nobody seems to have a fucking clue what’s going on. Like I say…

The TARDIS seems to have lost it too, playing with Ian by opening the doors but then closing them as soon as he walks towards them. Susan is as hysterical as ever; memory loss has not translated into better acting unfortunately, and thankfully she passes out before her fucking high-pitched Psycho-style screaming can do my head in any more. As Ian moves her, on Barbara’s instructions - she seems to be the one running things now; nobody tell the Director General! - the annoying little cu - ah, cute kid goes for him with a long scissory-knife thing, but decides instead to take exception to a kind of cross between a dentist’s chair, a chaise longue and an analyst’s couch, and stabs the living bejaysus out of it. Sure and why not?

https://i.postimg.cc/HkY1pJ2M/eod3.png
"So you wish to join my cult? I said CULT! What's wrong with you people???"

She seems to have gone all creepy cult figure; while Barbara had changed out of her leather strides and into a more becoming skirt and blouse, Susan is wearing some sort of black robe. She seems to be in pain. I can sympathise. The idea seems to be that there’s some alien intelligence on the TARDIS and it’s taken one of them over. I wonder who? Paranoia runs rampant - well, shuffles around looking for something to read, maybe - as each accuse the other of being the invader, the sides drawn along lines of Barbara and Ian vs The Doctor and Screech sorry Susan. What was that the Doctor accused Ian of just now. “While I was lying there unconscious you tampered with my what?” Probably best to move on, nothing to see here.

Barbara finally lets the Doctor have it, reminding him that it was his bloody fault they got trapped in the City of the Daleks and that she was forced to have mad, passionate sex with Ganatus - well, you know, one must do one's part. Or, possibly, one other's part. The Doctor, seeing his stupidity revealed before him (Hooray! She finally calls him a stupid old man, which he is - it needed to be said) does a lot of impotent lapel-clutching and blustering. Hey, it always worked in the eighteenth century! Hold the phone there: “You ought to get down on your knees and spank us?” Oh! OH! THANK us. Right. BBC. 1964. What was I thinking?

Suddenly some strange structure appears. Kind of looks like it someone impacted Disney’s Sleeping Beauty castle between two trucks. Barbara has a sudden headache. Great, thinks Ian. You hadn’t a headache when you vanished into the Petrified Forest with Ganatus! Bet he was petrified all right! Or part of him, anyway. Everyone looks at their watch for some reason (maybe this is sponsored by Timex?)
https://i.postimg.cc/4ypR3Vq6/eod4.png
"When I said this thing needed structure, girls, this is not really what I had in mind."

I can see the ad now. “Stuck on an alien planet, in a box with a crazy old man and a hysterical kid? A malevolent alien intelligence roaming about, intent on sucking out your brain through your ears? Then you’ll be glad you can always tell what time it is, with Timex Watches!”
https://i.postimg.cc/DyKKMp4B/eod5.png
Would you take a drink from this man??

Everyone wanders around (sound familiar?) looking for something to do, someone to blame, or in the Doctor’s case at one point, someone to serve tea to. I kid you not. Susan apologises to Barbara. Not for attacking her with a knife, oh no: for what her grandfather said to her. Well that’s nice. Seems a bit weird to me that, in a ship apparently the size of a small city, or thereabouts, everyone is sleeping on the couch. Surely the Doctor has a nice four-poster stashed away somewhere? A guest bedroom? A roll-out ****ing sofa bed? No. Just uncomfortable-looking loungers, which look as easy to sleep in as chairs in the emergency room. They also look, as I noted earlier, rather disturbingly similar to those couches people get strapped into when other people of dubious medical qualifications want to do very dubious experiments on them, usually against a backdrop of thunder and lightning, and perhaps the tune of a church organ too. Looks to me like the Doctor is the one who’s been taken over, though at this point it’s hard to find the will to care.

Next, and final episode is called “The Brink of Disaster”. I wonder if that’s a comment on what I rather generously and reluctantly describe as the writing?

Comments

Well, we just go from bad to worse, don’t we? The first serial was, to put it mildly, shit, and the second one, after initial three cheers for the introduction of the Daleks, disappointed in a way I haven’t been since I sent off for a pair of X-Ray specs. Bloody ripoff. This one, however, pushes the bar down to even greater depths. I mean, seriously: what the blue jumping fuck is going on here? It’s twenty-five minutes of nothing. People looking suspiciously at each other, tempers flaring, one member joining or starting a cult by the look of it, the other trying to renew his fight with the Doctor, while Barbara is ready to give him a piece of her mind too. I wonder if, considering there is an alien intelligence knocking around, it’s decided fuck this, I want no part of these losers. There must be some amoeba or something I can take over?

It’s hard to find anything to write about it because there really is nothing to write about. I literally do not know what’s happening. I think the basic idea is, as I say, that the TARDIS has been infiltrated by some alien thing, which is either jumping from one of them to the other (probably going “surely this one - nope! Let’s try our luck with this - oh hell no!”) and causing them all to mistrust and suspect each other, but where it’s all going I don’t know, other than right in the rejection bin with an attached note to advise Mr. Whitaker to see if he can find a job writing lyrics for his cousin Roger. New World in the Morning? Let’s bloody hope so.

Diagnosing the Doctor

Oh Christ on the space shuttle, doing important work fixing satellites and then losing his grip and sailing off into space without an umbilical! Every time I think it’s impossible for Hartnell to get any more annoying, he proves me wrong. His attitude and behaviour here, his smug insistence that he knows everything, when he seems to know fuck-all, makes me want to fire up a chainsaw and introduce him to the Trollheart diet: lose two stone in as many minutes. I can’t even talk about the fucker any more. If he was my teacher I wouldn’t just egg his car, I’d blow it up.

Doctor: First (William Hartnell) - S01E12 - Minus 95/100

Charting the Companions

The only one I can give any real points to here is Barbara, if only because she stands up for womankind and essentially tell the establishment, in the shape of the Doctor to go fuck himself. Also, she looks pretty sexy in those tight leather pants, I must say. Susan’s face annoys me so much now that I want some alien beast to come in and chew it off. Her permanent set frown which can turn so quickly into a scream of hysteria makes me just want to punch and keep punching till it’s raw, bloody… sorry, sorry. Take your pills, Trollheart. Remember what happened last time, for the love of God. You can’t go back to jail! Take the pills.

Ian is basically all but absent, notwithstanding his handbags at twenty paces with the Doctor, and it’s hard to see how any of them cover themselves in glory here. Mind you, in their defence, they don't seem to have been told what to do, and just mostly stand around arguing and bickering and bitching. Hey. It’s like my house at Christmas. Apart from the people, that is. And the good cheer. And the presents. And the booze.

Susan: Minus 55/100
Ian: 85/100
Barbara: Minus 10/100