Manowar Week: Poseurs Keep the **** Out!

[The Batlord]

Manowar Week

We're sick of all the pussy, pansy, poseur bull**** from the indie twats on this site, so it's Manowar Week. All Manowar, all the time. Some other ****s and I will be posting reviews in this thread of the greatest albums ever made, by the greatest band to ever spring forth from Odin's dickhole, and for an entire week tribute shall be paid to Joey DeMaio, Ross the Boss, Eric Adams, and Scott Columbus (RIP).

Into glory we shall ride, singing our battle hymns to the triumph of steel, as the warriors of the world, the army of the immortals, join the Kings of Metal in the holy crusade against the forces of poseurdom.

**** Radiohead. Vikings rule. **** John Cage. Tits and beer. **** The Beach Boys. Swords in the air.

In other words, HAIL AND KILL!!!


Current album review list (any pussies who wish to review some real music should put their name down for at least one of the remaining albums):


1. Battle Hymns (1982) - Unknown Soldier

2. Into Glory Ride (1983) - Unknown Soldier

3. Hail to England (1984) - Oriphiel

4. Sign of the Hammer (1984) - Trollheart

5. Fighting the World (1987) - The Batlord

6. Kings of Metal (1988) - The Batlord

7. The Triumph of Steel (1992) - Trollheart

8. Louder than Hell (1996) - The Batlord

9. Warriors of the World (2002) - The Batlord

10. Gods of War (2007) - The Batlord

11. Thunder in the Sky [EP] (2009) - Pet_Sounds

12. Battle Hyms MMXI (2010)

13. The Lord of Steel (2012) - The Batlord

14. Kings of Metal MMXIV (2014)

[Plankton]

Lemme get some a that Gods of War.

[Trollheart]

Leave it to Batty to use a picture so large it makes it necessary to read the text by scrolling side to side! Never do anything small, eh Bat?
Okay then, let's get this show on the road! If you wanna get involved and try like me to renounce your pussiedom or poseurism, grab one of the albums still available before I end up doing reviews on them! Or hell, just comment on the ones that appear here!




Saddle up and let's go! Into Glory Ride!


Sign of the Hammer (1984)

For reasons which escape me, I stopped listening to Manowar after Hail to England. It's not that it was a bad album --- it's actually great --- or that there was a long hiatus and I lost interest --- HtE was also 1984, and there are mere months between the two albums --- but somehow or other I just never really listened to them again after that album. Kind of like it was with Dio; four albums and I stopped for a long time. Although with Dio it was more that the quality of the albums was in a steady decline since their second, and I decided not to bother any more. Plus I think I got more into prog rock around that time.

So what were Manowar doing while I was listening to wibbly keyboard solos and soft-voiced poetic singers going on about towers and rainbows? Well, rockin' hard as ever of course. Everyone, even Batty, their most loyal follower, will agree that to properly enjoy this band you have to be able to laugh at them a little, and there's a lot of humour in “All men play on 10”, the operatic backing chorus just dovetailing perfectly with Eric Adams's seemingly-serious voice as he declares how no real man ever turns his music down. Lot of Kiss in this I feel, and for Manowar it's a slow kind of anthemic song, very heavy but I've heard them do “Fast taker” and “Gloves of metal” and this is nothing like that. Still, you have to smile at lyrics like ”All men play on ten/ Never gonna turn it down again!” Ross the Boss does his usual great job on the axe, and Joey, in addition to writing most of the lyrics, keeps it all together with tight, menacing basslines.

“Animals” is a hell of a lot more like it, erupting out of the speakers with a huge scream from Eric and rattling along at a fine pace, and yet, you know, there's something missing. This is not the same band I remember proudly setting off on a “March for revenge” or crossing the “Bridge of Death” without a flicker of fear. Have they lost their edge? It's only two tracks in, yes, and I'm thirty-odd years older, but I'm just not getting the same vibe I remember getting from them. This sounds kind of like any speed/thrash metal band to me, nothing really marking it out as being MANOWAR, as the first three albums did. Well, we'll see. Next up is one which should change up the game, as “Thor (the Powerhead)” hits. Stentorian vocal from Eric, warrior chorus from the boys, snarling guitar, thundering drums; this has it all.

It's hard however not to hear Maiden in that guitar riff, though when Ross gets shredding it's all him, and things begin to fall a little more into place. That man can certainly play, and there's passion in his fretwork that leaves you in no doubt that he's serious about what he does. And there's that big battlecry roar from Adams that we've been waiting to hear! Ooh yeah! There are two seven-minuters on this album, which is fair enough as there are only eight tracks in all, and some of Manowar's best work that I've heard has been in their longer songs (“Dark avenger”, “Gates of Valhalla”, “Battle hymn” and the aforementioned “March for revenge (by the soldiers of Death)” and “Bridge of Death”) and “Mountains” starts off with a powerful keyboard intro and a dark, lamenting croon by Adams. Sort of reminds me of a longer version of the opening to “Gates of Valhalla”. Also gets me back into the Manowar mood the first two albums engendered in me.

Some very introspective work from Ross here, and it's he too who plays the keys, and damn well. A big roar again from Adams, this song really pumping up the drama and operatic fervour, and with that familiar cold wind blowing at the end. Ah, takes me back! Big nasty guitar opening then to the title track, sort of neo-classical in part before it takes off romping along at a fine pace. Joey can't resist throwing in the title of the second album again, but it works really well. Great warrior chorus too. Ross then cuts loose on the guitar, dashing along like a mad thing, with no doubt an evil grin on his chiselled features while Eric reaches the highest notes with ease, something few other singers can do. Bombastic, over-the-top ending. Ooh yeah!

Great shredding then joins in with powerful percussion and bass to open “The Oath”, which thunders along like a battle charger, fire in its eyes, blood in its nostrils, riding down every enemy soldier it encounters, leaving a trail of mangled human parts and twisted armour in its wake. Another fine vocal from Adams links with a sort of scattergun guitar from Ross, though “Thunderpick” is just another excuse for him to display his fiddly little technical skill on the guitar, and it does less than nothing for me, other than show he's a skillful fretman, which we knew anyway. I suppose it's interesting to hear him attempt a sort of classical guitar approach, but meh. It's entirely instrumental, as you'd expect.

The big finish then is the other seven-minute track, and “Guyana (Cult of the Damned)” is I think Manowar's first attempt to write about a public event/political thing since the brief mention of 'Nam in “Fast taker” on the debut. Centring of course on the cult of Jim Jones which led to hundreds taking their own lives, it opens on a slow, doomy punchy guitar line, while I personally think the song might have been better served by a thick organ line or atmospheric synth. To be honest, for about a minute and a half this sounds like an extension of “Thunderpick”, and it's a pretty poor introduction to a song which should, I assume, be a very heavy one.

Sort of minstrel style vocal from Adams, growling “Thank you for the cool-aid!” It's nearly three minutes before the first real chorus comes in, and it's dramatic, but lacks a certain something, I don't know: there's not enough anger, menace or even evil in it. Good romping beat takes the song halfway through and it certainly picks up driven on the rhythm section's manipulation of the melody, with Ross adding the guitar hard edges, but I feel Adams could have put a lot more emotion into his vocal here. Everytime he sings “Guyana!” I think he's saying “Diana!”

Well now we get a really decent solo from Ross and the song is increasing in intensity and fervour, but we're now five minutes in, and this is no “Bridge of Death” or indeed “Battle hymn”. Not the strongest closer to be sure, though it has its moments. Just not enough of them. The final cry of “Mother!” at the end is poignant all right.

TRACKLISTING

1. All men play on 10
2. Animals
3. Thor (The Powerhead)
4. Mountains
5. Sign of the Hammer
6. The Oath
7. Thunderpick
8. Guyana (Cult of the Damned)

To be honest, I'm pretty disappointed. Only a few months from one of their masterpieces and we get this? It's mostly weak and apologetic, even given the titles, and depending on how it goes from here, this could be the point at which people stop laughing with Manowar and begin laughing at them. A poor effort. Are we rating? If we're rating this gets a mere

[The Batlord]

Originally Posted by Plankton

Lemme get some a that Gods of War.

Thank god. I'm already preparing myself to have to do Fighting the World too, and I didn't want to have to do that ****ing album along with it. Uh, I mean... that's a great album. You should totally do it.

[The Batlord]

Manowar - The Lord of Steel (2012)

You know, I find myself liking this album a little more each time I listen to it. "Why's that?" you ask. Are there things about it that you didn't notice the first time? Are the compositions so clever that they take more than one listen to appreciate? Is The Lord of Steel just so mind-alteringly amazing that its magic enthralls you anew with each spin?

**** no.

I like this album better than yesterday simply because I've given up on finding anything worth listening to, and so now I'm willing to settle for this third-rate gutter trash, like that fat, toothless chick in a tube top still waiting around at last call.

This is pretty much the same tepid hard rock/metal from Louder than Hell, except without any songs that you might actually want to listen to afterward. The guitar and riffs are all interchangeable and unmemorable, the vocals tired and indifferent, and the songs themselves have absolutely no soul. Manowar has dropped more than a few balls in their time, but even then there was something to be redeemed: Louder than Hell and Fighting the World were both watered down and relatively dull, but still had some fine tunes, Warriors of the World was uneven as hell, but the songs that did work were some of the best of Manowar's career, and even though Gods of War was boring, overblown nonsense with only a few good songs, at least it failed while trying.

Manowar has simply gone the path of least resistance with this album, not even bothering to pretend as if they still give a ****. The songs suck, the band sounds as if they'd rather be elsewhere, and I proudly declare that they didn't see a cent for the album I am currently listening to.

**** this ****. This is not acceptable. There is a difference between a band past their prime, and a band who are simply embarrassing themselves -- and even by Manowar's standards, this takes a **** all over that line. Fix this ****, Manowar. Or quit. Just don't release another piece of garbage like this.

****ing *******s.

[Trollheart]

Yeah, but did you like it?

[Trollheart]

Hail to England

[The Batlord]

Originally Posted by Trollheart

Hail to England

Ori is still on the hook for that album. Machine's review is technically unaffiliated with Manowar Week, so the synchronicity is purely coincidental.

[Frownland]

What's Manowar's worst record, Batlord? I at least want my **** to be easy to squeeze out.

EDIT: give me your honest opinion, even if someone has that album already set up. I don't give to raunchy ****s about doubling up.

[The Batlord]

Originally Posted by Frownland

What's Manowar's worst record, Batlord? I at least want my **** to be easy to squeeze out.

EDIT: give me your honest opinion, even if someone has that album already set up. I don't give to raunchy ****s about doubling up.

Well, the one I reviewed was pretty terrible, but I think Gods of War might be an even bigger endurance test, since it has a lot of intros and whatnot that break up songs for no good reason. It's bad in a less boring way... while also being really, really boring.