The upper east of the lower south
 

Rained down
Dripped through the floors
Coldest memories, days of true
Silenced thoughts, brainless spills
Everything lay open for you to see
Every thought, everything dream
Someday it will be
The confidence it lay still inside of me
The loneliest dreams faded to mist
The smile left open with a simple kiss
Softer and sweeter
The taste of his sweat
The moment we touched I could never forget.

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alright so those are my thoughts of today, and i couldn't pass up the chance to turn it into a song.. and well thats all i got i'm still here trying to figure out if i want a chorus or not.. but it needs lots of work... so i'll get to thinking about what else i can change.. and or add.. in the mean time you guys i'm sure would just love to give me your opinions.

*cough* I was digging into the older threads.. and I came along this song I wrote and posted 2 months ago.. and no one has posted in it.. Why is it that when I actually post something that is actually not half bad it never gets any post?, do you guys just want to tell how bad I am?

hmm..

It gets better toward the end. The first four lines are eather too jolty or just don't make any sense to me; infact it's probably a mixture of both, and causation of one another.

Perhaps you could try creating a result, such as the last line in your piece, and work backward from there, making sure it all relates. Because yeah, the first half doesn't seem to have anything to do with the second half???

Favourite lines were the confidence line, and the smile line. I thought they were good.

I completely agree with everything you've said.. and the reason why I haven't fixed it is because I had no clue how to go about changing it... like writers block only after its been writen.

Maybe start off telling of the moments that led to the first touch. So the first few lines build on his presence and how you're aware of him, then maybe around the middle you start to engage in his presence, things like eye contact, smiling etc. Then the last bit can be the bridge between the smiles and looks to the actual touch.

When you go about writing it start out really broad, so "we looked at each other", and then add some colour to it, add some character to the vocabulary "Engaged in his pristine blue..."

I don't know, I'm not exactly Bob Dylan so if your lucky some of the actual writers on this forum might be able to help out a bit further. Good luck though:)

I worked on it finally. Its been a while but hell I'm in a creative mood today.
I really tried to the the begining of the song/poem into the ending.. so in the middle just keep i mind its what happening to me.. in my mind and what I trying to get across.. is that in the middle I'm syaing things.. and stopping myself from saying things to him.. hence
"Like the coldest memories, when the days were true
When silenced thoughts, with brainless spills,
and everything lay open for him to see"

Default The upper east of the lower south

The moment I opened my eyes, I knew.
Like my past memories came to be true.
The second he leaned in it,
Rained down,
It dripped through the floors.
Like the coldest memories, when the days were true
When silenced thoughts, with brainless spills,
and everything lay open for him to see
Every thought, everything dream
‘Someday' I said it would will be.
The confidence it lay still inside of me.
The loneliest dreams faded to mist.
The smile left open with a simple kiss
Softer and sweeter
The taste of his sweat
The moment we touched I could never forget.

Just a couple of little fixer uppers. The bolded part is redundant and on the second part, coldest memories, like when the days were true, sounds like you have a bad taste of the past... but it seems like you enjoy the memory? Am I wrong? Either way it's confusing...

Also, you refer to "it" several times, each time talking about a different "it" - specify what you're talking about and that will bring out something more creative than "it" - and when you do reference whatever the "it" is - you have to find another way to describe "it" so that it is not the same thing you said earlier... each of these times is an opportunity for creative expansion.

That being said, I am enjoying the tone of the piece and would really like to see those things take shape. Great potential here.

Default The upper east of the lower south

The moment I opened my eyes, I knew.
Like my past memories came to be true.
The second he leaned in it,
Rained down,
It dripped through the floors.
Like the warmest memories, when the days were true
When silenced thoughts, with brainless spills,
and everything lay open for him to see
Every thought, everything dream
‘Someday' I said we would will be.
The confidence lay still inside of me.
The loneliest dreams faded to mist.
The smile left open with a simple kiss
Softer and sweeter
The taste of his sweat
The moment we touched I could never forget.
---------------------------------------------
what do you think now Crowe?
I'm still a little worried about ruinning it all together or making it worse.. I could use all the help I can get..while my creative energy is still growing strong..

oh and its 5:26am here.. so if it doesn't seem like i'm forcusing or trying.. then its because I'm probably can't..

It's turning into a beaut.

The bolded area... I think you need to move that first "it" down to the next line... the aesthetic of the stanzas aren't as important as the message. Try putting :it: down there.

:IT dripped through the floors: - what did? The rain? The love? The warmth? The memory? His testicals? Give us what "it" is and accompany it with an adjective that is offbeat and that will give what a mediocre line a loving touch. Go for "it".

Default The upper east of the lower south

The moment I opened my eyes, I knew.
Like my past memories came to be true.
The second he leaned in it,
Rained down an ocean of tears,
while my past heartache dripped through the floors.
Like the warmest memories, when the days were true
When silenced thoughts, with brainless spills,
and everything lay open for him to see
Every thought, everything dream
‘Someday' I said we would will be.
The confidence lay still inside of me.
The loneliest dreams faded to mist.
The smile left open with a simple kiss
Softer and sweeter
The taste of his sweat
The moment we touched I could never forget.
----------------------------------------------------did I ruin it?