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-   -   atrium part 3 (https://www.musicbanter.com/song-writing-lyrics-poetry/16162-atrium-part-3-a.html)

creepinson 05-16-2006 06:25 PM

atrium part 3
 
BY POPULAR DEMAND... or just crowe yelling at me... here you go

----------------------------------
These Last Pages
----------------------------------

Where is your pity? And why am I alive
Is a hopeful, happy future not a reason to accept "goodbye?"

(What is a sacrifice?)

The burden slides down from my shoulders
Dragging off my wings,
And now the evil that defined me
Is replaced with warm and useless things

(never your blessings)

Living in the shadow of my very own disease
And now my blessings all seem hollow, and this failure just flies free
My hand meets yours for comfort,
But yours stays here to hold the match steady
For better or for worse
It no longer hurts
And now I'm finally ready

(Burn these pages with me)

I could have been the brave young boy
And they would have read this diary

(Burn these pages with me)

I dont question why i feel again,
but that these feelings (failures) came for free

(Burn these pages with me)

Now I know how you are ruled, by your dissappointment, your own misery
Like a plague rules a patient, like these last pages will always rule me

dojo 05-17-2006 01:40 PM

I like the lyrics a lot. I wish I could hear the music too. This is material for quite a nice song ;)

creepinson 05-22-2006 04:53 PM

No more comments? I expected a bit more for 3 separate songs... im looking at you crowe

Crowe 05-22-2006 09:27 PM

Soon I promise!

Crowe 05-30-2006 07:55 PM

Quote:

---------------------------
Pens and Pencils
---------------------------

Don’t tell me these men have families,
Don’t tell me these women have feelings
I never wanted to come here,
And I’m told I’m beyond healing

I’ve begun to keep a diary
Because there’s little more I can do
As long as I know I’m going to die
Ill do my best to speak the truth

I’ve found there’s little use for hope
Now I've accepted what must happen,
And if I’m alive enough to feel a final breath
Ill make sure I spend it laughing

Now I realize the problem doesn’t lie in the words that they say,
But in the silence that they follow
And they pause before saying I’m blessed with a chance
But these blessings just seem hollow

And the doctors tell me although I die
I'll be able to save more than a few
But I don’t feel life in these faceless things breathing for me
So I guess its little more than good news

That’s one small step for man
(I step into this hospital bed)
And one giant leap for man kind
(And I’m as good as dead)

I don’t feel any life inside these things living for me
But who am I to say
I don’t feel any life in these phantoms living for me
They'll be more alive than me
Anyone of these days

---------------------------
Lead or Gold
---------------------------

If I’m supposed to be a savior, then why do I just lay here?
Thinking of how ill soon have wings and a crown of sunlit gold
Thinking of how whether dead in a coffin, or dead in a closet,
or alive in this bed, while the whole world watches.
Waiting as I wither, for the boys and the girls,
alive knowing they'd have died,
If I hadn’t done this to the world

And even still they struggle; and ask who god is testing
And they’re mothers will tell them
Question their failures, and never their blessings

(their failures and never my)

If I live I’m a waste, if I die I’m a hero
Now mother, please tell me, is that really a tear or
Are you waiting just like all of the rest?
I want to go home, but they say that im truly blessed.

(blessed)

Why should I care enough to open my eyes,
As long as I lie here, all I can do is hide
Like the people that will keep living just because of me
I’m not even dead yet, but I think soon I should be

What is a sacrifice?

(Put a face on this phantom
And call it an angel
What is a...)

Sacrifice

(Now hope comes in shimmers
And failures in flames)

Sacrifice

Watch them burn with me
(Sacrifice)
I won’t let this stay the same.

----------------------------------
These Last Pages
----------------------------------

Where is your pity? And why am I alive
Is a hopeful, happy future not a reason to accept "goodbye?"

(What is a sacrifice?)

The burden slides down from my shoulders
Dragging off my wings,
And now the evil that defined me
Is replaced with warm and useless things

(never your blessings)

Living in the shadow of my very own disease
And now my blessings all seem hollow, and this failure just flies free
My hand meets yours for comfort,
But yours stays here to hold the match steady
For better or for worse
It no longer hurts
And now I'm finally ready

(Burn these pages with me)

I could have been the brave young boy
And they would have read this diary

(Burn these pages with me)

I dont question why i feel again,
but that these feelings (failures) came for free

(Burn these pages with me)

Now I know how you are ruled, by your dissappointment, your own misery
Like a plague rules a patient, like these last pages will always rule me
Storywise...
So creep, I finally get around to criting a 3 part song, and I think to myself... **** - there are rarely any good songs that come in three parts... so I was slightly dreading this. However, I was met with a pleasant surprise when I find that not only are these songs lyrically sound - but they also made me want to read the next song to find out what happened in the story. So let me say that during the first 2 songs, I was incredibly pumped... then I got to the last song ... and it was a let down. I wanted to know why he was dying, who he was helping, how they would kill him... just some stuff that I missed out on that I really, really wanted to read. This is, however, a wonderful statement for the first 2 songs because obviously you pulled me in enough that I got physically angry (to the point where I pounded my fist into the desk) when the last song disappointed me. So many questions left unanswered and I feel like that song could have been summarized into 2 lines of another song.

Techniquewise and everything else I can think of...
Ok, one thing that got me was the damn parenthesis... I've also done this in my songs - and in retrospect I feel like it is highly, highly unecessary and reminds of Linkin Park (UGH) so I'm sure that something else can be done about this. The last song again is the weak point in the 3. The lines are clumsy and they falter lyrically in comparison to the other 2. In the second song, which I like, watch out for the hill effect - what I mean by this is, you have a intimidating chunk of lyric and then the tapers off into smaller, but equally impressive chunks of lyrics - however - in a song, that may be hard to pull off or sound ... I don't want to say confusing but maybe misleading - and who knows where it's going - and it might stop someone from listening if they hear this logorrheaic spout of words at the beginning of a song... but to each his own, I always say. Maybe something can be done about the structure there? I like the first one as it is, it may have been my favorite.

Gj creep. Summary - great story, impressive lyrics, 3rd song castrated me and left me on the ground screaming in a high tenor. What happens man?!!?

creepinson 05-30-2006 08:31 PM

Yeah sorry man, i have to admit i was sorta expecting that...

My problem was that i didn't want to get too technical with the last song, meaning i didn't want to sacrifice what was supposed to be the sort of emotional climax with little specifics that sorta cleared up the less metaphorical aspects of the story. To avoid this i sorta tried to piece that aspect of the story together over the coarse of the three songs... but it obviously turned out being a bit too subtle.

ANYWAY...

the story is about a kid that goes to the hospital, and hes told although they expect him to die, that he'll be able to help them find a cure. So now everyones sorta rooting for the disease to take over a bit more so they can figure out how to save all the other kids that have it, and the dude notices that these people really want him to be gone, so he sorta gives up, and starts keeping a diary so atleast theyll know what he was thinking in his supposed last days. Then he ends up surviving, everyones loses and he burns his diary.

im sure after this explanation, youll be able to pick up the subtler parts of the different songs that explained this, most of which could have easily been mistaken for metaphors like "living in the shadow of my very own disease"

anyway... yeah... really sorry to dissappoint you, ill work on it

Crowe 05-31-2006 03:39 PM

LOL I wasn't disappointed in the way you think. The fact is I loved the story, but the ending wasn't what I expected and I thought something else was going to happen. I wasn't disappointed with the writing, it was good- it's like a movie where you think there is going to be a happy ending, and then something bad happens. Like yeah great story, but oh man what a disappointment that <main character> didn't get his <objective> accomplished or didn't learn <enter lesson here> - the fact is it's a great story and to even draw those emotions out of a reader/listener to begin with is a mark of high accomplishment. I understood even the little metaphors and the story, so you don't need to work on clearing anything up.

creepinson 05-31-2006 08:53 PM

whoah... i completely misunderstood... i thought you were like good beginning, good middle... i cant wait for the end.... AWW CRAP ITS SO ****TY


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