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DontRunMeOver 06-18-2006 04:10 AM

Work in progress...
 
Hutu Suicide

I can still hear the soldier boys
Singing in the square
I still feel the need to join
With the voices there

Years of bitter stories
Kindling needing fire
A violent tongue that guides us
Creates the spark required

Play out my father’s rage
Grievances never pass
And see machete blades
Fall on bones that break like glass

Play out my father’s rage
Grievances never pass
And see machete blades
Fall on bones that break like glass

Now the scratches on the pew
The red marks on the wall
Shudder through my brain
Reminded of the day
These humble farmer’s things
Turned into killing tools
The blood which stains these hands
Will not wash away

Action bettered sense that day
Reason brushed aside
All my morals swept away
In the human tide

So loud they must have heard us
As the church doors opened wide
Blood to end the service
As terror dulled their eyes

Play out my father’s rage
Grievances never pass
And see machete blades
Fall on bones that break like glass

Play out my father’s rage
Grievances never pass
And see machete blades
Fall on bones that break like glass

Now the scratches on the pew
The red marks on the wall
Shudder through my brain
Reminded of the day
These humble farmer’s things
Turned into killing tools
The blood which stains these hands
Will not wash away

History records
In two months, a million killed
The few of those I witnessed
Haunt me still

Now I stand at the border
Calm at last
A clifftop over water
This is where I choose to pass

"Forgive my foul misdeeds
I repent my mistakes"
Screaming these words out
I throw myself into Kivu lake

"Forgive my foul misdeeds
I repent my mistakes"
Screaming these words out
I throw myself into Kivu lake

For the scratches on the pew
The red marks on the wall
Shudder through my brain
They remind me of the day
These humble farmer’s things
Turned into killing tools
The blood which stains these hands
Will not wash away

DontRunMeOver 06-29-2006 10:56 AM

Bumpity Bump!

To most of you... you are all hairy lesbians. To those who happen to be lesbians... all you need is a good encounter with a man-pole to sort you out.

right-track 06-29-2006 03:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DontRunMeOver

To most of you... you are all hairy lesbians.
To those who happen to be lesbians...
all you need is a good encounter with a man-pole to sort you out.

I like this one best. ^

;)

Crowe 06-29-2006 04:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DontRunMeOver
First half of a work in progress - any suggestions for the continuation?

I can still see the soldier boys
Chanting in the square
I still feel the urge to merge
With the voices there

Years of bitter stories
Kindling needing fire
A violent tongue to guide us
The only spark required

Play out my father’s rage
Grievances never pass
Listen to machete blades
Fall on bones that break like glass

Play out my father’s rage
Grievances never pass
Listen to machete blades
Fall on bones that break like glass

Now the scratches on the pew
The red marks on the wall
Shudder through my brain
Reminded of the day
These humble farmer’s things
Turned into killing tools
The blood which stains these hands
Will not wash away


Very cool DRMO. I like new topics with a fresh writing style. I really have nothing to say to fix... do an x2 if you are repeating something, imo. I know I don't like reading the same thing twice in a row if I can help it. Uh.. well, one line (the one I highlighted) - I dont know... I feel like it breaks the flow, something doesn't fit in... let me see... I think it may be the hard "THE" only spark required, maybe - the same idea... but "Is the only spark required" may work better or "To create the spark desired" - I dunno, that's my opinion and it's very, very nitpicky. Gj :D

DontRunMeOver 07-14-2006 08:52 AM

Buuuump.

I just wrote many more lyrics for this song, so please peruse and let me know your thoughts.

(In particular, do you think the last verse moves from 'guilty' to 'suicide' too quickly, how could I affect this transition more smoothly? Meaning:

"History records
A million killed
The few of those I witnessed
Haunt me still

Now I stand at the border
Calm at last
A clifftop over water
This is where I choose to pass"

Is that too abrupt a jump between topics?)

swim 07-14-2006 09:14 AM

I don't think it's jumpy. I like the whole thing and it's very well written.

sleepy jack 07-14-2006 01:08 PM

A million killed
The few of those I witnessed
Haunt me still

I like that part a lot.

Its HELLA good, like I mean goodgood.

gabbagabba_hey 07-14-2006 01:11 PM

:clap:


lovley

Raine 07-23-2006 12:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DontRunMeOver
Buuuump.

I just wrote many more lyrics for this song, so please peruse and let me know your thoughts.

(In particular, do you think the last verse moves from 'guilty' to 'suicide' too quickly, how could I affect this transition more smoothly? Meaning:

"History records
A million killed
The few of those I witnessed
Haunt me still

Now I stand at the border
Calm at last
A clifftop over water
This is where I choose to pass"

Is that too abrupt a jump between topics?)

it's a subtle jump. and goes nicely with what you already have. It makes this story that you've woven into a song very more emotional. I think it would appeal to a lot of people especially in this age where war seems to be on everyone's mind. Or somwhere in everyone's mind.

I like it. And does the last line (this is where I choose to pass) fade out?
Just curious

DontRunMeOver 07-24-2006 04:57 PM

BUMMMMP

This one too

http://www.myspace.com/imjustsingin

Its called 'HUTU SUICIDE'.

Critique it.


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