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Jadix 06-25-2006 10:49 PM

Fornia Girl
 
She was my first kiss
When we were kids
with the same interests
and the same music

but she left me
when we were sixteen
she moved to the east
nashville tennessee

A california girl
in a tennessee town
thats what i expected
but not what I found

now i had more babes
but they weren't the same
something about the way
she laughed in the rain

when i finally made it
she was too changed
i was too late
you can blame fate

A california girl
in a tennessee town
thats what i expected
but not what I found

she had three guys
she loved all night
and i wondered why
she didnt treat me right

on the plane ride home
my head was too cold
my shoulders too low
I was so alone

A california girl
in a tennessee town
thats what i expected
but not what I found

DontRunMeOver 06-26-2006 05:33 PM

This might be based on real experience, but a lot of it doesn't really ring true. If you're going to write a story then it helps to either have a strong experience which you've thought a lot about so that you can bring it out with full detail, or to have at least imagined such a story in such detail that the listener/reader imagines it to be true.

If what you've written about did actually happen, then you still need to improve on how you communicate it. For example:

"now i had more babes
but they weren't the same
something about the way
she laughed in the rain"

When does somebody laugh in the rain? Why would they be doing it in the rain (unless you're trying to shoe-horn in a rhyme here)? This doesn't seem like a normal thing to remember. The [i]way[i/] she laughed in the rain makes it sound like you've seen a lot of people laugh in the rain and her way of laughing in the rain was better than the way in which other people laughed in the rain. You see what I mean?

And "I had more babes, but they weren't the same" sounds like an idle boast. Who were these babes? How were they not the same? Why would anybody believe this? We need details? Or are we to assume that your judgement of these babes was based on their lack of interesting ways of laughing in the rain?

"she had three guys
she loved all night
and i wondered why
she didnt treat me right"

This sounds like you already knew she was loving three other guys all night (what does this mean? She was having a MMMF foursome? The sequence in which you tell it also makes it sound like you already knew she was having all-night foursomes and then you STILL wondered why she didn't treat you right. Perhaps she was sore?


What I'm getting at here is that when you're telling a story you should minimise using cliched phrases and forcing rhymes into the music, because they make the story sound less true - like its a story which was created from a rhyming dictionary, rather than being a true account which happens to rhyme and fit to music.
(I expect I do this myself, but its more obvious when somebody else does it.)

Keep going at it, rework! Rework!

Jadix 07-12-2006 05:06 PM

When i say "laugh in the rain" i mean the way she is still able to be happy through rough times. its a metaphore. Its about her personality, not something she likes to do.

When i say she has "three guys she loves all night" i meant shes a slut. She has three different booty calls she can get any time, and she "loves them all night" meaning shes good to all of them.

Then i said I wonder why she doesn't treat me right. I do a lot of things for this girl, and she doesn't return the favor. instead she sleeps around.

When i say "I had more babes that never were the same", I'm saying i have had other girls, but all the while i never liked them as much as her. And i follow up with the reason "someething about the way she laughs in the rain". its not a forced rhyme.

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate the feedback you gave.

Kyren Tsunami 07-12-2006 09:00 PM

sound like to me that u have experienced this situation b4 am I right?? but as I've read it I understand too because I was like that no other girls would be the same as the one u loved the most....... just add more lines for the chorus... Mere 4 lines aren't enough.... too short.... but the rest is good anyway.. but hell there alot of rythms O.O normally for verses there'll be half the paragragh with ryhmes but ur is all!! lol


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