Something Short.
 

should men carry such heavy hollows upon their backs?
As such a lowly beast of burden.
I would stop an arrow for your heart.
Lay down before your feet and be as humble as the dirt,
as it let's you do as you do.



Insults, comments and anything else is greatly welcomed. I've never wrote anything like this and I think if made it longer it would force. If there's more to come I'll post it but I'm thinking this is it.

Keep it short. I like it. You can tell when a piece is done and when you are dragging it out.

Fragments can be really great, breaking a chunk off you brain and just let it lie there. This, even in its terseness, shows there is more to the male masochism than some forlorn sappiness. It suggests, 'sure I'm your ass, sure you're everything to me, sure I'm as low as the ground (baseness) that 'let's you do as you do,' but it's not like I'm not aware of our dynamic. Really Good, with an immediate substance.

But of fragments, and struggling to find more out of them (the half created shadow) as a writer, there's a great fragment by Shelly.
(copied from: etext.library.adelaide.edu.au )

IGNICULUS DESIDERII
To thirst and find no fill—to wail and wander?With short unsteady steps—to pause and ponder—?To feel the blood run through the veins and tingle?Where busy thought and blind sensation mingle;?To nurse the image of unfelt caresses ?Till dim imagination just possesses?The half-created shadow, then all the night?Sick...


And as far as song vs. fragment, I think it was Iggy Pop that said no song should be more than 25 words.

short.wav
i got around to recording this, not sure what i think of it

^Not trying to be rude, but I don't really care for it. Intangible vocals and the music sounded "empty" to me. Again, not meaning to be rude if I come off as that, just thought you would like the feedback.

Opinions aren't rude and I wouldn't care even if you were. I like that it's overly simple and quick. The recording really sucks and I think I'm going to use this to lead into something. Definitely doesn't stand on its own.

^it would work fine as an intro once you touched it up a bit, an actual song though I'm not sure of.

i think it would make a pretty great intro.

Nice stuff. It brought to mind 'Alone, Stinking and Unafraid' even though it doesn't sound at all like that.

There is a sound, a sound that comes when uh... well it comes when after all the bills are past due and the electricity been shut off and you've subsisted by eating ramen heated by tap water and etc. and etc.. A sound, an artist can generate when they realize the only thing they ever really had in the world is what's inside of them and what they can bring out from what's inside. A sound, that can be sung looking someone directly in the eyes, unabashedly.

I'm sure it felt really good. The rest doesn't matter.
Thanks.

especially it it was screamed, and in a saetia song.


but srsly,
the lyrics is tight
but the recording, not so much
srry :(