Music Banter - What A Shame (comment this)

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What A Shame (comment this)

This is a draft.
It's also personal, since everything quoted was actually said between
me and a friend of mine. You need to read this slowly, but not too slow.
It's a tad bit repetitive, but the pace I wrote it to will
make it work very well. It's a hard pace to catch onto as well,
so I may post some vocals to it later or something, so you wont be left in the dark.
It's only a draft for now, and I'll probably edit it later to fix the structure up a bit.
Every "-" represents a two second gap.

I had this girl - she walked up to me
She had an air - of formality
She adjusts her dress - so she can look proper
And she was dumb - but thought she knew it all

She looked me down - and said I was at fault
For judging one - who I knew was wrong
But what she said - Man, it pissed me off
I looked at her - and told her what I thought

And I said,
"What the hell kind of person are you, to let him live like this?
I wont stand around and waste my time, he might just end up dead."

Well she said,
"It's his life - Let him live it - Let him make his own mistakes
Just be there - To support him - In all his foolish ways."

Then I said,
"What the hell kind of 'christian' are you, to let him live like this?
Slowly kills himself everyday, and you don't even give a ****."

But then she stopped - and she was oh so pissed
And her face - matched the color of her dress
She looked at me - a look full of disdain
A look that said - she'd been put in her place

She yelled at me - and said she never thought
That I would say such a thing, about someone who I knew so long
But like I said - she thought she knew it all
I shut her up, and proved that she was wrong right from the start

And I said,
"What the hell kind of person are you, to let him down like this?
You only know what I've told you, and I haven't told you ****."

Well she said,
"It's his life - Let him live it - Let him make his own mistakes
Just be there - To support him - In all his foolish ways."

Then I said,
"What the hell kind of 'christian' are you, to let him live like this?
If he keeps on, wasting time - he's gonna end up dead."

And what a shame
That it has to end like this
It's a shame, that he can't even see right past his own damned fist

Yeah, it's a shame
It's all the same
And you know, nothin' lasts forever and every bond is bound to break

Wednessday, March 07, 2007

honestly I don't really know what it's talking about, but thought it was alright

It's about a bible thumping friend of mine, telling me I should let another friend continue living in a bad life style.
In a nutshell.

Forgive me for being presumptious but I kind of figured you would be against organized religion because of your APC avatar. Although I'm not sure what bible thumping mean is that like: bible bashing or bible toting?

^no, a bible thumper is a VERY devout christian who beats people over the head with their beliefs, and is generally very obnoxious about their belief system being the only right one existing.

back to the song....
i didnt like it at all. I know what you were trying to go for, but some of the language just makes it impossible for me to take it seriously. If you're going to go for a very straightforward piece like this, use som artistic liscence and make the language more intelligent. Scrap phrases like "she was dumb", actually a lot of the language here sounds VERY juvinile, so i'd suggest switching it out, because as it is, it doesnt read like a poem, it read's like a gradeschooler's diary entry.

I REALLY liked it. The "what the hell kind of person are you..." part comes over as very powerful and the way it's written is so simple, yet strong and I like it. Put to the right melody, it could be a really good song.

Thanks. I intentionally kept it straight forward and to the point, and the topic is something that just about everyone can relate to.

Jibber> I can agree with that for some pieces, but I'd rather have a straightfoward song, than a poem set to music. If that makes sense.
The pace is slightly progressive, and makes up for all the common words in the long run. I was toying with the idea of doing a vocal track for it, but I lack the range for the chorus....which is yelled, and I lack the pitch for it.
I appreciate all the constructive critiques, so keep em' coming.