Lyrics plz review!
 

Heya,

Decided to write a remix to Fort Minor's "Remember the Name" and spinned off a bit to end up with this. I'd like to think the lyrics have to some degree a poetic feel to them, but hey it's the 1st song I've ever written so let me know what you think!

I knew this kid once,
He was called Rich,
This is how his story goes.

Yo, this is just a man with a mic
Who wanted nothing more than just to get his rhymes on site
He was 17, a man of passion and devoted respect
Reliable, he would never defect
He walked with a swagger and he talked with a sway
Which undeniably helps with what you’re trying to portray

It wasn’t all great though he had some bad habits,
At 19, Cocaine became an addiction, the crucifixion of an obvious jurisdiction, mixed between the friction of his current constrictions.
And then on that cold winter’s day it all came to a stop,
Shot, stabbed, oiled and hammered,
It was like this poor guy had been killed just for his standards
The guy fought for his pride and he fought for his name
But in the end 8 to 1 was too tough a task
At those odds the poor guy was never gonna last.

(chorus)
Never sit back, never retract,
You’ve got to keep workin’
Never withdraw, Never relax
You’ve got to be determined.
If you can’t walk the walk
Then just don’t walk at all
If it ain’t 200%
You’re fu**in bound to fall.

I remember how he used to have a diary with quotes inside,
Of a dream that only he could achieve.
Merciless execution cos he’s dying inside himself
He felt for the 3rd world he felt for the poor
He’d always support whoever knocked at his door
He wasn’t arrogant just wanted respect
Although his own ambitions you could never suspect
A peaceful world was what he hoped to resurrect
But dude. That ain’t gonna happen yet.

When he was young he was bullied, abused they’d even spit on his shoes
It was like a, personal vendetta against this unlucky youth
No one to turn to, no where to run
And if he tried to confront them they’d simply pull out a gun
Personal, humiliation on the lowest foundation
By some cowardly kids who supported racial discrimination
But he turned it around, he used the harshest rejection as a fuel to reach the goal of a greater perfection
He’d faced what he was and adjusted himself

(chorus Repeat)
(chorus Repeat)
I hope we can all take something away from this
PEACE

JD. Edited! Thanks for any constructive comments u may have!!

First thing that sprang to mind...Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air.
But then most rap has that effect on me.
That'll be more my ignorance than anything else.

Flows ok, but the subject matter is hardly original and none of it's content is earth shattering either.


Constructive criticism...it begins to tell a story, but other than it being about a guy called Rich, I have no idea what the point of this is.
"From zero to hero overnight"...how?
And why would a cocaine snorting rapist deserve, "some god-damn respect"?

Before you go giving me a hard time...

...just saying.

hahaha yeah thats a very good point actually about respect. It may not be original fair enough but I don't think anyone can expect a masterpiece from the first rhyme I've ever written lol. Thanks for the comment pal

For a first effort...that's pretty good.

Whatever happened to the definition of respect?
In my day, respect was something you earned.
These days, respect seems to be gained through fear.

Again...not aimed at you...just making a point.

Good material subject matter maybe worth weaving into your lyrics?

Thanks. Yeah Looking back thats a very valid point, I wrote the last verse first which probably shows now, guess I got a little carried away a little with lyrics and the meaning has gone out the window! Anyway thanks for your input man much appreciated.

With song writing I give the same advice any English teacher would give to any writing, support it. Don't leave your story vague, add detail and specific support.

thanks for the comment, have changed a fair deal of it, please let me know what you think!!