His Terminal Monomania
 

I want constructive critisism, please.

Nobody? :confused::(

Constuctive critisism; as follows,
 

The mixed duality of content seems contrived and purposed. Miserable bliss, is a bit used, and you can't ascend any where but up,:nono: redundant. Try keeping all your tenses the same, if he's searching and dying he should be fading and atrophying, just suggestions. :p: Alas, we come to cadence, iambic cadence, poetry can be very dark, we(artists) like dark, but the heart is rythymic, :drummer:the brain isn't always as rythym bound. It's learned. keep writing. Have you ever read any Vogon poetry? Check it out.:thumb:

True, you can't ascend anywhere but upward. I should change that in my copy. As far as the fading and atrophying, the problem is punctuation. The poem is just a story of what happens to "Him". I was trying to say that His closer allies (friends), and His beautiful value (value as a person) fades and atrophies. He is not fading in atrophying, it is his friends and self-worth. It's something that happens to him in the story. I'm afraid I don't know how to punctuate that stanze to make it seem like I'm not saying His beautiful "value", as in something that is beautiful that he has, or something of value. Oh, and, thank you so much for feedback.

I suppose that's constructive. Any suggestions?

Just a quick note, Your Welcome, thanks for having the nards to put it out there, i'm looking forward to posting mine tomorrow. Have you read Lies? Check it out, 7gauge.

this.

^ I wish I could figure out a way to change that.

Schiz,

I wish I could offer some constructive criticism here, but I'm afraid I'd have to re-write the entire work. That is not a reflection of your abilities, only a reflection of my biases in relation to creative writing in general.

I would be interested in reading anything else you may have floating around, though.

I really like it! ^_^