Ravenkin's Collection
 

Hello everyone, im new here and glad i finally found a place i can get my lyrics critiqued. I'm a singer/songwriter for a Thrash metal band and will be posting some new songs from time to time. Feel free to leave any feedback!


Dead Darling

I've seen the footsteps of your ghost,
and followed the wake of your tide.
watched the waters drown the desert,
Swallowed up from the inside.

The way you look when you are rotting,
decomposed, but still sublime.
your purple lips did quiver,
This night you'll meet mine.

Dead darling I'll still be waiting,
dancing, yet I'm so wrong.
Crossing the river to join you,
laughing but you're still gone.

Sweet sin what have you got me in,
I've seen the days turn to nights.
give me a heart and then let me in,
I wish I would die,
But only to join you love.

Hammer and nails, coffin of blood,
satin and satan all callapsed in the wood.
teach me a lesson, a lesson of love,
hearts seem to break but not ours.

sweetly your cold face pale and pink,
tell me where torture meets your needs.
granted i need you but you dont need me,
where you are goin no bodies free.

Dead darling I'll still be waiting,
dancing, yet I'm so wrong.
Crossing the river to join you,
laughing but you're still gone.

Sweet sin what have you got me in,
I've seen the days turn to nights.
give me a heart and then let me in,
I wish I would die,
But only to join you love.


Dead darling I have waited,
danced, You've been wronged.
cross the river to leave you,
Crying because i lost you....love.

this sounds more neofolk (dark folk) to me than metal, but not bad.

Insomnia-Poem
 

insomnia

Half smiling the moon mocks me,

With a grin so sinister it snares my whim.

And leaves me loveless and lonely,

Broken like a pile of bloody sticks.

What do you want from this little boy?

Who stays up all night to hear your sweet voice.

And turn my heart into your little toy,

Obedient like a marionette.



Why do you keep me up all night?

So sweet a breath as yours,

shouldn't be wasted on my turbid life.

Keep me away from the pain of my shores.



I sink deeper

Day by day

And hear the rain bloom my flower

And petals fall

Into the soft sands

And sink deeper in my breathing

Sinking deeper just sinking

Mocking me

As sinking sands swallow my swollen form

Mocking me

This prolonged life abhorred

And your still mocking me

Smiling like the moon

A half smile so sinister

But it's crueler and crude



I sink deeper as the night turns to day,

The fading gray smashing my colored moonlit night.

The fading gray in listless light,

But soon the flower blooms again.

To get gulped in gallows of sinking sands.

And again sink deeper...

Mocking me

As the sands circle my bloody tears

Mocking me

Just mocking me

unable to sleep and hear a dream

Mocking me

Just mocking me

Summer-Poem
 

Summer

I see the moon dance off your tongue,

The night sky shining bright.

How the dim light makes you seem so young,

Like the years before have never arrived.



And the sweet things you say still have meaning,

Like I love you or take me im yours.

How you stroke my hair to make me proud and beaming,

But now you live with the whores.



You dance and sing so merrily,

Even though I am deceased.

How now you long to join me,

On the clouds dancing in the breeze.



But the moon cant let you go,

Its hold on you stronger than my hand.

How you long for me to help woe,

Now my eyes glazed from starry stands.



Your day is soon to come,

The day to join me in the sun.

To dance the winter winds away,

And frolic as we sway.

So gently in the winter winds,

Peaceful, young, like time itself.

Stopped for us, and made me a man,

And you a woman.

Put us together in the poison,

To die together.

Young and free,

Merrily...

To Dance in the summer heat.

Vermin in our Midst Lyrics
 

Vermin in our midst

They crawl through the night
with every intention
pissing us off
yet we still let them

Fester, and feed
and take what they need
without any remorse
for thier undignified deed

Why do we wait for morning to come
When our battle could be so easily won
Our leadership lets the darkness rise
So sound an equation for our early demise

I can hear them now
Spitting thier slander
For they justify everything
in a vilianous manner

They Fester, They Feed
They take out of greed
without any remorse
for thier unglorious deed

Why do we wait for morning to come
when our battle could be so easily won
Our leadership lets the darkness rise
So sound an equation for our early demise.

There's vermin in our midst brothers,
That's why we kill each other.
There's vermin in our midst brothers,
That's why we kill each other.
There's vermin in our midst brothers,
That's why we kill each other.

Hi, Ravenkin,
Your song "Insomnia" shows the malevolence and appeal of the moon (a metaphor for the beloved, I assume). Am I right that it the speaker is dying (metaphorically)? (Based on the song that follows, this is my guess). I think "Insomnia" describes a love-hate relationship and the pain of experiencing that. The lines that especially stick in my mind are the following, because they remind me of how it feels to be used by someone who has little concern for your welfare or use for your love:

I feel that the final stanza (which I italicized) isn't needed to get the song's idea across, and the song would stand quite well alone without that final stanza. Since I'm often reminded to make my lyrics briefer, my guess is someone else may feel the same about these lyrics!

Your songs often have a very romantic lyrical quality...they seem more beautiful than harsh, even as they deal with what are supposed to be traumatic love/life events...which is interesting to me, since I'm not sure exactly how thrash music would/should sound incorporating your lyrics. Although I know little about genres and their dividing lines, I'm thinking that Stone Birds' feeling that the lyrics sound more like dark folk is probably a good assessment!

--Erica

You hit the nail on the head so to speak about my insomnia poem/song. I will be changing it up abit before i submit it to the band for instrumental work.

As far as my music genre goes i totally agree that it really doesnt seem to fit the thrash genre my fellow bandmates would like to see themselves as. To tell you the truth i think our band fits in more with the likes of Trivium, which is a great metal band. I see us more of a metalcore/melodic metal band, lyrics seem to still not fit but i think thats what makes us more appealing. If you checkout Triviums song "THROES OF PERDITION" thats more along the lines of the sound we have. Pay attention to the chorus because thats the best part of the song...

As far as Dead Darling and Insomnia goes, i was going for a softer sound. Not really sure if ill even put music to those right now. Just some thoughts swirling in my head. Thanks for the reply glad to see someones reading my thoughtless banter ;)

These Thoughts Impure
 

These thoughts impure

All these women,
Calipso's vile breed,
Leave me with thoughts,
o so impure...

The chosen shall find pleasure,
Amongst all our sin.
Morals are left lost,
And never found again.

These streets are my playground,
You are my toys.
Fufilling my every need,
Until your left discarded
....broken, forgotten.

So take now my hand,
Forget all the others before.
Neverland awaits,
We have only but...
One fragile hour.

Love is all make-believe,
Passed down for centuries.
These lies are only real,
In the world of lost boys.

"A poem i wrote spur of the moment. I figure i would post this up, its a project as of right now. Just thought i would post a short rough draft for critique. I believe it lacks the metaphors i usually put up in my writings."

The Room

In a Room, deep inside...
The dark recesses, of my mind,
Dwells a place of candle-lit purity.
We were alone, o so cold...
Such a sight, to behold,
The Illusion of dancing flames tranquility.

Comfort sets, slight regret...
That i tend to forget,
That moment in time our eyes first locked.
No words to disturb...
The minute that i learned,
How loves sweet embrace could kill a man.

So we sat, quite content...
Souls tangled,
Not wanting to unravel.
What a beautiful mess we manifest!

Time is standing, years go by...
Love is dead, what a lie,
This memory of you..
Could last a lifetime.

She's fading now, Walls are melting...
Candles out, the world is burning,
As devious people begin to fill a strange new room.
What is this, consumed bliss...
Walls of pads, the needle missed,
That syringe holds the gateway to my heart.

"This ones abit different from my other writings. I couldn't sleep tonight and this idea popped in my head. Critique it, i know there is probably a problem with grammer in there somewhere. Let me know what you think."

Kiss the Serpent

Siren echo through the Isles,
Maidens kiss the edge of water.
Homer once tread these giant's shores,
Tall men trample on hills of Nevermore.

The forests of night stir,
As we dance naked through the trees.
Insulting our puritan brethren,
They want not me, but the death i bring.

A serpent urges me forward,
With smiling eyes it invites me in.
To the absolute uncertain,
Your education blinds my children.

Blood is the rose of life,
Without it everything dies.
Kiss now, the serpentine Idol,
Cement your place in our emotion.

Testing the bounds of reality,
Authority comes knocking at my Sanctuary door.
Taking the truth from what lies within,
Leaving choas and disorder.

The forest screams, a fire burns;
Ambushed at rest by the sun.
In all its grandier life stands fading,
Smacked in the face, so wilts the rose.

A serpent urges me forward,
With smiling eyes it invites me in.
To the absolute uncertain,
Your education blinds my children.

Blood is the rose of life,
Without it everything dies.
Kiss now, the serpentine Idol,
Cement your place in our emotion.

Blood is the rose of life,
A mantra we all live by.
Now flames lick at my flesh,
A most vile smell to say the least.

No chance to catch the life thrown at me,
Strung up on high, like thier god himself.
I feel my life trickle from me,
As consiousness fades, So wilts my rose....

Dream Child

This desolate World so cold,
Why do we not listen?
Culled from the flock,
Sheep lead to slaughter.
Like a Hermit wandering the hills,
I'm laid to rest in the land of the lost.

I plead my case,
Falling on empty ears.
My heart sinks deeper,
Deeper into this trance.
So cold, so bitter,
Depression sets, lay to rest.

The Dream child waits,
On a pillar of mendacity.
Casting hope for humanity,
What a cynical little bastard.

Your morals bind me,
Im past this treachery you ****ing weave.
In my mind entangling,
All thats beautiful, just leave.
Im not your puppet, dancing
Leading others to the shores of fallacy.

I plead my case,
Falling on empty ears.
My heart sinks deeper,
Deeper into this trance.
So cold, so bitter,
Depression sets, lay to rest.

The Dream child waits,
On a pillar of certainty.
Casting hope for humanity,
What a cynical little bastard.


"Not finished i just felt the need to write, and write i did. Not sure if it even makes sense but those are the words that were put in my head, begging to come out. Let me know what you think, its the first time ive never worried about structure or rhyming. I just let the words...flow"

Hi again, Ravenkin,

This song sounds like a description of a man who in old age is either going mad or using drugs (I think he is in a psychiatric ward) who remembers a love he experienced during youth. I especially like the line in bold, "the beautiful mess we manifest," since it involves rhyming within the line and conveys quickly the sense of the complexity of a relationship that still can feel so beautiful and meaningful even with the problems. This line stuck with me after reading the poem such that I wanted to search again through MB to find it.

The poem makes me wonder: why did the love turn out to be a lie? And did this contribute to the speaker's eventual descent into either madness or a disturbed drug-induced state?

The line, "The moment in time our eyes first locked," sounds less original than the others because "eyes locking" is a cliche...also, since when one thinks of it literally, the image of eyes locking is quite jarring, and so reading that line jarred me out of the poem's imagined reality back into my real world.

"So we sat, quite content" sounds very mild after the description of the intensity of their first meeting. I feel this line would be stronger without the "quite": "So we sat content."

When you write "comfort sets" do you mean "comfort sets in" as in comfort begins?

--Erica

I personally love this poem.
I'd love to know what situation it was that inspired it, but because it seems to be such a heartfelt poem, there is no pressure for you to share that with me.

Continue writing.

Hey everyone, sorry ive been away for awile. Ive been doing alot of searching inside lately. Had alot of stuff happen these past few weeks. Going to venture off by myself from the band now i think. Anyways ill try and answer these questions tonight, right now i have an idea stuck in my head im trying to workout

Ohh, good luck with that. ^_^

Im back
 

Hey guys I've been swamped lately and havent had time to log back on. Decided to give another band a shot. I have to write some lyrics to 2 of thier songs and submit them to the guitarist. Could someone tell me if i can post a link in my sig to the music for the band on myspace? It would help me out a ton to see what you all think of the music. Sorry im abit out of it, ill check back tomorrow and possibly post the link in my sig if it doesnt violate the terms on the forum.

Keep writing...ill be sure to checkout and comment on some lyrics soon!

Regards

It's possible to post a link but they don't want anyone over-advertising.

Alright guys checkout my sig for the link....bands unnamed atm, thinking of suggesting Nocturne if i get in. Let me know what you think of the instrumentals...listen to "New Song" and "Malutopia" first if any! these are the ones ill be working on for lyrics. Ill post lyrics up to be read soon. I might start a colab with anyone interested in helping me arrange ect. Let me know what you think!

Hi Ravenkin,
I listened to "New Song" and "Malutopia"...very clean metal songs, I feel, with sharp, fast playing, impressive solos, and almost non-stop energy. I'm curious if the two current members...the rhythm and lead guitarists...gave you an idea about what they want the songs to be about, or do you get to just make up the whole thing based on your feeling for the songs? I'm interested in reading the lyrics you come up with to match already-existing music. That sounds like more of a challenge than writing lyrics and building the song around them!
--Erica

They gave me no direction as to what they want those 2 songs to be about. The lead guitarist has been pressed for time, so haven't really heard from him. I'm having a really hard time building lyrics around these 2 songs, i usually write lyrics then arrange music. This is going to be a challenge. I will try and post some lyrics on here soon, been busy with my online article writing haha! I'll make sure i browse the new lyrics from you all soon!

Dead Darling Lyrics (Reworked, check back to first post for reference)

I've seen the footsteps of your ghost,
Through trees of loves lost memory.
They bring such pain to those,
of us who misuse their grace and power.

You steal my breath away,
with that grim smirk left on your face.
Within our dark secrets lay,
Tucked in sheets of sinful lace.

O' the way that you look when,
You are rotting so beautifully,
soundly decomposed, yet still sublime.
Your purple lips did quiver gently,
Sweetly leading me back to...
that fateful night when you'll meet mine.

Dead Darling, Dead Darling,
Can you hear your lover,
calling your name...
Dead Darling, Dead Darling,
Across the River Styx,
I'm calling your name!

Submerged in turbid waters i set,
Off the shores of inflicted agony.
In deep regret I'm left drowning,
Over my head in remorse and guilt.

All that I've done to you...
Can't be taken back,
But surely your through...
With torturing your murderer's soul...
For the sake of,
All that we once were.

O' the way that we looked when,
We were together, so happily,
Merrily, engaged in all of life's emotion.
Now we are apart, Desperately
seeking to claw out of coffins,
lined in Satan's cold reminisce.

Dead Darling, Dead Darling,
Can you hear your murderer,
calling your name...
Dead Darling, Dead Darling,
Crossing the River Styx,
I'm cursing your name!