Critique a nigga
I've never showed what I write to anyone. I'm just gonna throw my favorites out there and see what comes of it. Brutal criticism is appreciated. So is praise haha. Anyway, here goes.
-------------------------------------------- I'm tired of always being nice But if I was mean I'd just make you cry No good deed can go unpunished No good girl is worth my time. I'm the best guy you've ever met but for some odd reason that I just don't get I can't be yours because you won't be mine i think it's time for me to cut the line and grow up move on you're more beautiful than a breaking dawn and if i can't have you i don't want no one else too it breaks my heart to say this i've never felt your kiss and today i walk out baby, you'll be missed but it's better for us both i just can't be friends no one ever said anything bout seeing it to the end I grow up move on you're more beautiful than a breaking dawn Goodbye lil girl I could have rocked your world but you stared in to my eyes and you took me by surprise You made me lose composure and now i'm ready for some closure I grow up move on you're more beautiful than a breaking dawn. ---------------------------------- Thunderstorms Crack their wicked whips You can feel it in your finger tips it's almost as hot as your Florida kiss yeah you can't quite come back to your grips Falling rain runs down the drain Watering my sugar cane You're coming like a railroad train I'm shakin you right to your frame I never thought that it could be like this I'm so lost in your florida kiss I never thought that it could be this way I can feel your thunder everyday. One step at a time I'm one step behind ---------------------------- I'd love to surf, If the waves were nice and I stand here to test the water. So I look out to sea and stupid-ass me, I just ignore the storm. I wish for calm and try to push it along. I venture out chest deep. I get hurt everytime, with a board to the chest the storm's as strong as ever. Maybe next time, when I want to surf, The clouds won't begin to gather. I'm a fool. ---------------------------------- Excavate and release tensions from within never stop just begin play the game but not to win and I pretend to shine again working only with my friends Fly by night work by day try to play waste away Feel alright, act Okay steal a glance look away Feel these thoughts write them down get your mind to spin around never stop, just begin don't catch your breath grab the wind. Float like bees Buzz around Life is air Death is ground Sting your life out live it well and don't forget the prospect of hell Live it right no need to fight fly by day dance at night --------------------------------------- Lights Camera Attraction. I cant believe my actions. And I cant Help but see. Its like your on tv. Because you make me want to fall in love with you Its like a movie Its like a picture Its like a movie Lights Camera Dissatisfaction. Unreciprocated love is a bitch. And I cant help but let this go on cuz maybe I'm wrong. Lights. Camera. Liquefaction. And I’m gone. ------------------------ Thanks for reading. |
Not bad decent
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I don't know if these are intended as lyrics, but some don't flow so great due to such short lines. I like the 'Lights, Camera, Attraction' aspect, very original. Stuff like that is what makes poety/music enjoyable.
I say very nice, but there's a little work to be done. How long have you been writing? |
Thanks. Some are meant as lyrics others are just what came out when i felt the urge to write. I haven't really edited them or given much thought to line length or anything like that lol. It's probably just because i'm lazy and write as a spur of the moment type thing. I've only been writing for around 6 months or so.
But i'll definatly look into making them flow better. |
Ya keep it up, ur making the normal type mistakes (look on other threads for the normal advice) which will eventually work themselves out if you keep practicing and actually put some time into ur work (ie. editing)
looking forward to more |
Here's one I wrote today.
No editing so far, it's straight off the dome. Gimme some crits, and I'll try to make it better. Give me the time to pretend like i'm going to do what i've wanted to, for so damn long. I get the chance and I look in your eyes I want to move foreward, but big ****ing surprize... What do I do when I don't know how I feel? What do I do when I don't know how you feel? So long ago, you see I made a mistake. I said just three words that I regret to this day. If only I'd known just how stupid I was, I wouldn't be in this position right now. What do I do when I don't know how I feel? What do I do when I don't know how you feel? Now here we lay in my bed today, I tickle you, we flirt and we play. But when it comes time for your lips on mine I'm too scared you'll get freaked out and run. Maybe it's just me, but I think it's with you too that feeling that we've got something else. When most girls hear three words in their ear, it's the start or the end of something great. But I said them to you, and whether I meant them or not, you didn't seem scared or happy, hell you didn't respond. And what I notice the most is that you didn't run away, you just kept being here with me everyday. What do I do when I don't know how I feel? What do I do when I don't know how you feel? I guess I'm afraid of going to far, We're so different now, it's not quite so bizzare to say that I could be into you. You let me hold you in my arms and you'll hold my hand so why am I afraid of being your man? I think it's fear that you're just as scared as me. I'm tired of this, It's all hell, I wish we'd just kiss. |
bump
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