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Iron's writing corner
Hello I figured it was time for me to start posting some of my lyrics. As far as what I'm wanting as far as responses to anything i post in this thread. Well what ever you feel like replying with is cool.
Thanks the iron man |
This is a colaboration between members: Kristen watlington and myself. I gave the honor of naming the song to KW.
Thanks the iron man Writers: the iron man kristen watlington Genre: I would have say it's a rock song where its sung medium octave and medium tempo. LOl if any of that makes sense. Titled: I've had enough You come to me with another tear hanging on your cheek trying out the newest...lie like a fool you try to pull me in It's from the slam of the door you hear the anger in my silence So many things I wanna scream but this silence has gotten the best of me I cant find the words to tell you this time your games won't work you can't pull me in It's time I tell you...I've had enough Standing on behind my door walking down the hall scream all you want Soon I won't hear the screams from outside I won't be here to see what you got to say how can I show you Your worst then drugs made me feel like a sinking ship relationship bound for disaster it took me getting lost in the dark for me to see see the light It's time I tell you...I've had enough Standing on behind my door walking down the hall scream all you want Soon I won't hear the screams from outside I won't be here to see what you got to say Why do you always want to waste our time with something that never felt real but time after time there you are ready for me to get fooled again dont even try and waste my time I'm through with all the games The more I push you away you see me living your dream Every time you turn around it's funny how the bottom feels when it chews you up and spits you out you start to see how I was always there to take you back It's time I tell you...I've had enough Standing on behind my door walking down the hall scream all you want Soon I won't hear the screams from outside I won't be here to see what you got to say the baggage always seems heavier when you have to carry it on your own it's when you stop to sleep you'll see all the pain you've caused only when the door slams is where you'll hear me talking back cause It's time you see...I've had enough Standing on behind my door hearing my footsteps walking down the hall leaving you to scream all you want out of site to show I can still hear I won't be here to see what you got to say |
title: Picking up the pieces
Your games/ They pushed me to far away/ I can no longer see me loving you/ And all the wants that you lied about/ And all the needs you demanded from me/ you never cared about me a single second/ tonight im going to start breathing on my own/ im trying to unweave the damage that you've done/ maybe it was best that we never this to work/ all the weight is lifted and i can see the light/ On this afternoon i spent waiting around on you/ I gave the final wasted day by the grip of your hands/ When the heart slowly breaks and falls on the floor,/ i slowly pick up the pieces and move on/ i slowly pick up the pieces and move on/ a shooting star later that night gave me some hope/ i knew i wasnt going to be alone for long/ I can’t explain the feeling that swept over me./ youre finding out things arent like you thought they were/ im wanting to tell you how things always come back around/ tonight im going to start breathing on my own/ im trying to unweave the damage that you've done/ maybe it was best that we never this to work/ all the weight is lifted and i can see the light/ On this afternoon i spent waiting around on you/ I gave the final wasted day by the grip of your hands/ [Chorus] When the heart slowly breaks and falls on the floor,/ i slowly pick up the pieces and move on/ i slowly pick up the pieces and move on/. you want to show me the reasons behind your actions/ It’s too late to try an tell me youre sorry for what youve done/ my heart has moved on for the finall time tonight/, my heart has moved on for the finall time tonight/, Now I’m with someone else that makes me happy/ my life has been so much better since i fell in love/ its my fault that i never seen what was in front of me all along/ It’s better than what you tried to show me through your eyes/ All the times i tried to prove the feelings i had for you/ Now im showing the feelings as i pass you on by/ [Chorus x2] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Your games/ They pushed me to far away/ I can no longer see me loving you/ And all the wants that you lied about/ And all the needs you demanded from me/ you never cared about me a single second/ tonight im going to start breathing on my own/ im trying to unweave the damage that you've done/ maybe it was best that we never this to work/ all the weight is lifted and i can see the light/ On this afternoon i spent waiting around on you/ I gave the final wasted day by the grip of your hands/ When the heart slowly breaks and falls on the floor,/ i slowly pick up the pieces and move on/ i slowly pick up the pieces and move on/ a shooting star later that night gave me some hope/ i knew i wasnt going to be alone for long/ I can’t explain the feeling that swept over me./ youre finding out things arent like you thought they were/ im wanting to tell you how things always come back around/ tonight im going to start breathing on my own/ im trying to unweave the damage that you've done/ maybe it was best that we never this to work/ all the weight is lifted and i can see the light/ On this afternoon i spent waiting around on you/ I gave the final wasted day by the grip of your hands/ [Chorus] When the heart slowly breaks and falls on the floor,/ i slowly pick up the pieces and move on/ i slowly pick up the pieces and move on/. you want to show me the reasons behind your actions/ It’s too late to try an tell me youre sorry for what youve done/ my heart has moved on for the finall time tonight/, my heart has moved on for the finall time tonight/, Now I’m with someone else that makes me happy/ my life has been so much better since i fell in love/ its my fault that i never seen what was in front of me all along/ It’s better than what you tried to show me through your eyes/ All the times i tried to prove the feelings i had for you/ Now im showing the feelings as i pass you on by/ [Chorus x2] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ok i got this song come to me earlier. I have no idea why it did, So i tried to make it as different as i could. This is an acoustic genre style song. Comment on it if you like to. It'll be interesting to see what people think when they read it.lol thanks the iron man Title: Smeared lipstick Heeey heeeey heeeeey Your lipstick stains on my **** are blowing my mind I knew it would feel good, but didn't know it be such a mess now my boxers look like I pissed on a rainbow You need to use you mouth and clean it all up/ The smell of you on my balls are getting me sick/ I knew when we **** it'd be an interesting night/ now you're a *** stain away from being a regret/ Hey cheap street lady, how long is all this going to take The way your moving it feels like it wont take much longer Hey cheap street lady, you need to swallow just a little bit more Heeey heeeey heeeey Just a little bit of time, this is all I have to give tonight youre working my **** tonight this aint no love connection, but youre blowing my mind makin me over look the smell to finish this nutt any minute im going to unload this hose In a back alley while the world passes by I could care less for five bucks this is the best head i've ever gotten Hey cheap street lady, how long is all this going to take The way your moving it feels like it wont take much longer Hey cheap street lady, you need to swallow just a little bit more well can you clean the smeared lipstick remove all signs from where you've been I still got a home to go to You're going to be a distant *** stain I wont forget ill see you in every rainbow I see in the sky the memory of your smeared lipstick on my **** brings back more then just the smell of your breath Hey cheap street lady, how long is all this going to take The way your moving it feels like it wont take much longer Hey cheap street lady, you need to swallow just a little bit more Heeey heeeey heeeeey Heeey heeeey heeeeey |
I really feel like this could have been written better.
It's really late and there's more I want to say, but there's so much. xD |
which one?
thanks for replying to my thread none the less i really appreciate it. |
"Picking up the pieces" is what I read.
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lol yeah ive noticed most of the lines are forced a bit and the structure needs some tweaking.but after not writing for almost a year. It doesn't surprise me any to write a flopper,lol. Do you have a journal on here?
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I don't respect a lot of the opinion's given here, so no.
I want constructive criticism, not... whatever it is they give. =P |
well im so use to the same thing so anymore i only comment on anyone else work that comment on mine. If you want i guarantee constructive criticism if you wont it on any of your work.
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Haha, thanks.
Maybe I'll think about it. >.< |
I figured i would return the favor since you commented on my work. I would comment on yours.
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Hi iron man,
I read your song lyrics and noticed that all so far (except the last :)) seem to deal with a failed relationship in which someone is using the singer/speaker of the songs. I decided to comment on this one in particular and will put my comments in bold within your song. Quote:
--Erica |
thanks alot for your feedback this is not the only site ive posted this on. I knew some of the lines may come off as a bit to cliche. So i posted them to see what everyone thought about some of the lines. most of the ideas you suggested were good valid points. and i appreciate each and everyone. I think one of my problems is im to close to the song to see all the things wrong with them. Ill take your suggestions into consideration when i go to edit it in a few weeks.
thanks the iron man lol by the way what did you think about the one titled smeared lipstick lol |
Quote:
I'm glad you feel my suggestions may be helpful. I wouldn't say there is something *wrong* with the song, but that different people may react in different ways to them, and in my case I'm sensitive to cliche phrasing. However, there are many songs that use the heart metaphor that I like. For example, I've always liked "Total eclipse of the heart." Oh, "Smeared lipstick" was very blatant! I felt it described oral sex performed by a prostitute very accurately. The song made me wonder if it was based on real or imagined experiences! If it was based on real experiences, then that raises a lot of red flags for me, since I oppose people paying others to perform a sexual activity, which I feel people should be free to offer only because they want to (and not for payment). I worry that women, who tend to have lower incomes than men, are being pressured or forced into prostitution because of social inequality, poverty, and exploitation. So a song glamorizing prostitution troubles me, even though the "artiste" in me stands firmly behind free speech and expression. Now that I've commented on the content of "Smeared Lipstick," I'll have to go back and read the lyrics to evaluate their structure! --Erica |
lol don't worry lipstick was from a fictional story. I would have to do alot of explaining to do to the wife it was a real story. To be honest I have never written a song like this. So as often as I do. I experimented and tried something new.
Thanks the iron man |
Goodness, Iron.
I'm almost happy I didn't read that lipstick one at first. Vulgar is one thing, but this is vulgar, corny, poorly written, and I don't even know. I love you to death, but I have to let you know I just... I can't even express how I feel about this song. >.< I like the first one better, now. |
personally the first two are nothing new. theyre a lot like that crap that i was posting a few months ago, before i pretty much gave that up. the third one i think is a little better. however, i have to agree with awwsugar on this; its gross. no one really wants to hear about that...however it at least was somewhat original and...expressive. i dont know what the right word for that would be...
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