What'sNext's Songs
 

I've been writing songs for a while now, and this one isn't the best, I know. It has some week spots and I'd love any suggestions on how it can be improved. Thanks for your time. :)

The songs starts pretty fast, but at the second part of each verses, it cuts in half and speeds back up at the Chorus. (I know that was really poorly explained)
Verse 1:
The joint I'm smoking smells like a bear
The rest of the guys chase their careers

But I'm Floating on a cloud
My head's too light to be too proud

Chorus:
But as I fall from heavens fields
I pass my past and drop my sheild
And nothing is real
It's not a worship, more a warning
Where will I be in the morning?

Verse 2:
In Your eyes I see the fear
What you think you see is shear

Craziness, it's just as well
'Cause crazy's fun so what the Hell

Chorus

Good stuff, I don't know what Shear is supposed to mean. Could be a bit longer.

Oops. Typo. It's supposed to be "What you think you see is sheer craziness it's just as well..." :) Thanks for catching that. And ya, I want to make it longer. There's also some instrumental stuff in there.

Alright, cool.

I don't have a title or second verse for this yet. Also, the chorus is a bit week. Any suggestion would be appreciated.

Verse:
She grabs her coat
She slaps my face
I'm taking too long
Coming on too strong
I'm a disgrace.

She wipes a tear from her face
She's storming out
She says I'm wrong but still don't know just what about

Pre-Chorus
Maybe I'm wrong
Maybe you are right
Did I confuse your desire?
Your desire for a fight

Chorus:
Is that what you think would make me love you?
As long as you love me too
Is that what you think would make me love you?
Well baby, I'm all over you

I don't have a name for this one either. It seems kind of stupid without a melody, but I still like this one.

I know there's something goin' on
I sing you song after songs after song
At the end of the day, you pretend it never was
But my hearts still broken because I don't know

You say that no one would even care
You proceed to pulling out your hair
In the end you deny you share his blood
But my heart's still broken cause I know

Not bad. A little bit corny at times though.

I know that it's a weird song, but it sound good when our band plays it. I just need to finish up the lyrics and name it. Any suggestions?

Verse 1:
You know that it's sad when you're feeling nostalgic
for the devil you sent away
Her cries and her screams, they haunted your dreams
but a new one's moved in all day
And she says:

Chorus:
"Give me your money"
You demon child
She looks so pretty 'til she turns so wild

Chorus

Verse 2:
Life is fine
Full of colors and wine
But it all depends on you
On any given day,
There's still no way
We could ever teach you what is true
And and you cry:

Verse 3:
She's believes in no one
And it's who does
It's an obsession if ever there was one
I'm not above being human
But I'm not above having fun
Chorus
Chorus

Why do you need any more?
You've made your point. Maybe, musically, a bridge would be nice, something with a different feel. But you've got enough stuff here. Short and sweet can be good.
But, whatever happens, keep writing. If you're not happy with it, keep writing until you are. Go through as many drafts as you need to. It doesn't even matter if they're good.

But if you need some inspiration, you could kill the character. I suggest a ninja.

Thanks for that suggestion. I'm dead serious. I couldn't think of a way to end a song so I turned the girl into a ninja who kills her boyfriend. No joke.

:bowdown:

Bless you.

A song my friend wrote
 

Hey. Our rhythm guitarist wrote this song. I thought it was REALLY cliche. Can you help me help him make it better please? He's got a great riff and I don't want to ruin it with these lyrics. Thanks.

The way she looks at me
I just cant stop lookin oover
To see
If shes
lookin back at meee

Good stuff keep it up. : )

It's not that bad. I think that this stage of a relationship is something which isn't really discussed all that much, although more in songs than anything else.
Anyway, it looks like your biggest problem here is that you only have one stanza. I would suggest writing more, even if it means writing random words or something horrible. Of course, you could be going for a chant-like repetition, which could be cool, in which case just keep what you've got so far. Also, is this song so far seems to have an extremely simple relationship. If you need inspiration as to what to write next, try thinking about the relationships you have had in the past. It works for me, although I really haven't had very many.

You're right. The relationship IS simple. Actually, it's not even a relationship, he just likes her and wants to dedicate this song to her. That and the fact that we're 13 makes it a bit hard for him to write a good song about a relationship. As long as he wants us to keep this topic, I don't know where we can go. http://www.musicbanter.com/images/smilies/jailed.gif

Can you think of any way to make it longer without using cliches?

Boy, did that smiley ever not work! XD
:jailed:

:bonkhead:
Just write. It doesn't really matter what comes out of your pen that much. So long as you write.
I mean, I could give you an outline or whatever, but then it wouldn't really be your song.

Thanks for your advice. I've been working on it and I think it's gotten a lot better. Maybe I'll post the new version in a little while. You're definitely right. Just writing helps.