How did I do on my first rap song?

[KyleBerger]

I'm 15 years old and sat down for about 30 minuets and came up with this song. First time to ever write something like this so here we go, lemme know how you feel.
__________________________________________________ _______________

Keeping it real thats what its all about, keep a steady beat forget the days in when I was feeling weak
Stay on my feet, and keep a smile going, never know who you could be inspiring. My name aint big, but I can feel it coming.
Forget the days when I was poor, im making more, providing or my family thats what I was created for.
Im not like everyone, I keep my limits short,

Cause I know one day I will be a star, Never gorgetting the people who gave me a reason to live for,
Everyone is different, im just being me, if thats too much what the hell you doin here.
I make my own decisions, its part of life. Ima make it real big and buy a whole liquor store.

Houston Texas, Thats where I stay. IM over bitches that blew me off, when my names in lights, they can rub it off.
I have so much on my mind but can't ever find the time to sit down and relax,
Money used to be an issue, now I can buy you out.
I'm all about my homies, spending cash, and passing out.
Yeah. Im standing tall, with no regrets, make that booty drop low and you just might get a stack
Got a strip pole inside my room, she can come over and show me how she do, it doesnt matter what the cost is long as it was fun.
Take my playas wherever they want tell'em get what they want, cause they was with me when I was just a runt. Pass the blunt.
Im out meeting super stars its insane, too much liquor make me crazy, but it feel great.
ima throw it up at a party regardless of what happens, ima stick with who im with,
Don't get mad if im with your bitch.
Spent too much time worried what people thought, now im rolling with my homies, spending money like its nothing, now you sit back an tell me how I messed up.

[porkchop]

It looks like you went through a bunch of mainstream rap songs and just copy and pasted various lyrics.

[XtremeEclectic]

Seems like everything else out there in all honesty

[ZiggyStardust]

Rap...is rap. Drinking, bitches, money...it's all the same. I've never seen a rap about philanthropy...

[Scarlett O'Hara]

Don't give up your day job.

[djchameleon]

Don't listen to this Naysayers, the number one thing is to keep writing. Yes this is your first effort so it's going to be rough but don't stop writing. Especially in the beginning it's much better to write about what you know then later on as you go use your imagination and let that take over.

I'm not even going to indulge in ziggy's ignorant comment more than this sentence.

[appleghost]

Originally Posted by ZiggyStardust

Rap...is rap. Drinking, bitches, money...it's all the same. I've never seen a rap about philanthropy...

let's raise da taxes and save dem lives
pretty flacko building hospitals 4 the sick and deprived
proper education will help the youth
teaching dem kids to spell the truth
maddafakkas wanna pretend that hate is the trend
I put and end to the quarrels: why can't we all be friends?

[porkchop]

Originally Posted by appleghost

maddafakkas

I have no idea why, but that made me laugh hard.

[The Bullet]

For being 30 minutes in the making, that wasn't completely horrible.

There are a couple points where you go for quite sometime without rhyming and/or end a long buildup with a line that doesn't rhyme with anything... You can do that, but doing that too much is a bad idea, and in my opinion, you pass the line a bit. Kind of like how an instrument can go off-key a few times in a well.

I also see a TON of opportunity for bending words so that they sound like eachother. For example,

Im not like everyone, I keep my limits short,

Cause I know one day I will be a star (sta), Never gorgetting the people who gave me a reason to live for (fah),
Everyone is different, im just being me, if thats too much what the hell you doin here (hee-ya).
I make my own decisions, its part of life. Ima make it real big and buy a whole liquor store (sto-a).

Okay, I admit that might actually sound really stupid (and you'd have to change parts of it to match at that), but you get the point.

Try spending a couple hours on something of this length, not just half an hour, and when you get enough practice, then you can do something more creative.

[ThePhanastasio]

It is your first try, but it is very, very overdone subject matter. Even lines. Just try to be original, ultimately. Find your voice, and let it ring.