Music Banter - A bunch of random emo crap (make fun of me here! :D)

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- - A bunch of random emo crap (make fun of me here! :D) (https://www.musicbanter.com/song-writing-lyrics-poetry/51577-bunch-random-emo-crap-make-fun-me-here-d.html)

A bunch of random emo crap (make fun of me here! :D)

yeah. I'm going to go for it. I'm going to post all of my terrible angsty emo poems here and keep correcting them, keep evolving them, making them longer ect. ect.

first up:

Untitled 1

A girl walked across the Antarctican Plane,
Trekking across the desolate ice sheets, waiting for nothing.
She fell to the ground in sheer exhaustion,
The girl couldn't bear it anymore.
She had to give up, as it was the only valid option.
She took her coats and boots off,
and laid to rest in the snow,
thinking her last thoughts, and giving mental goodbyes.
She let the hypothermia kick in, and bid farewell to the frozen world she came to.

Thats actually not so bad. Its a little tweeny and the word "hypothermia" isn't romantic at all but its not by any means bad. :)

Untitled 1 (torn apart by yours truly. still sucks, though)

I walked across the barren icy plane,
dragging my heavy feet across the desolate ice sheets, waiting for nothing, going nowhere.
I collapsed, my toes frozen, and my legs shredded in overuse
My heart thudded wildly against the delicate snow
I undressed, and flailed myself unto the crisp white below.
I prepared myself for an eternal sleep, and the world started to blur.
I let the frigid air wrap around my frozen, worn skin, and tighten its grip around my veins,
I looked at the stars above, dancing in the night sky,
Waving farewell to a poor girl's soul.
The sounds were incomprehensible, my heart thudding slower and harder,
I could feel the end coming, and nobody would care,
nobody would ever know.

no wonder why my english teacher gives me bad marks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TumorAttitude (Post 933341)

Thats actually not so bad. Its a little tweeny and the word "hypothermia" isn't romantic at all but its not by any means bad. :)

I think hypothermia fits in well with emo, though...don't you think?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dayvan Cowboy (Post 957304)

no wonder why my english teacher gives me bad marks.

Keep working at it, mang. You'll get the flow of it if you keep at it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by teknoaxe (Post 961956)

Keep working at it, mang. You'll get the flow of it if you keep at it.

Oh no. Oh no no no no. You did NOT just end "man" in a "g". :mad:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dayvan Cowboy (Post 933315)

yeah. I'm going to go for it. I'm going to post all of my terrible angsty emo poems here and keep correcting them, keep evolving them, making them longer ect. ect.

first up:

I enjoyed it. There isn't much to be said - it seems fairly straightforward in itself. Just some dark mental imagery. Pretty nice.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dayvan Cowboy (Post 957304)

Untitled 1 (torn apart by yours truly. still sucks, though)

I walked across the barren icy plane,
dragging my heavy feet across the desolate ice sheets, waiting for nothing, going nowhere.
I collapsed, my toes frozen, and my legs shredded in overuse
My heart thudded wildly against the delicate snow
I undressed, and flailed myself unto the crisp white below.

I prepared myself for an eternal sleep, and the world started to blur.
I let the frigid air wrap around my frozen, worn skin, and tighten its grip around my veins,
I looked at the stars above, dancing in the night sky,
Waving farewell to a poor girl's soul.
The sounds were incomprehensible, my heart thudding slower and harder,
I could feel the end coming, and nobody would care,
nobody would ever know.

no wonder why my english teacher gives me bad marks.

I liked this one too, but I'm a little weary of your use of the words nowhere, nothing, and nobody. They are interesting concepts, but I think they're explored a bit too often nowadays.

I mean, I understand their use in this context - what with the frozen isolation and such. But I just think it would be more interesting, for example, if she indeed did have a destination in mind. If she have others who cared about her. What are her feelings toward them?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dayvan Cowboy (Post 933315)

yeah. I'm going to go for it. I'm going to post all of my terrible angsty emo poems here and keep correcting them, keep evolving them, making them longer ect. ect.

first up:

Untitled 1

A girl walked across the Antarctican Plane,
Trekking across the desolate ice sheets, waiting for nothing.
She fell to the ground in sheer exhaustion,
The girl couldn't bear it anymore.
She had to give up, as it was the only valid option.
She took her coats and boots off,
and laid to rest in the snow,
thinking her last thoughts, and giving mental goodbyes.
She let the hypothermia kick in, and bid farewell to the frozen world she came to.

Dayvan, I like your original poem a lot. It's so simple and understated yet the imagery it brings forth is quite amazing. I also think hypothermia is a very beautiful, poetic word that conjures up vivid images of freezing! keep it.

I think that if you took out a few of the more cliche adjectives it would be such a solid and beautiful poem, but I love it already just as you originally wrote it. It's very good.