angelovemusic

the deeper i search, the more shallow reality reveals itself to be
if i lay in a shallow grave will you eventually stumble upon me,
if i continue to get higher will i just float away alone
it feels wrong to call this place a home
its the only place i think I've known
..why is there a self loathing tone
in your voice on the phone
in your words
how is there
no love
above
you
you
see more
with your eyes closed
then most see with their eyes wide open
you fall asleep dying inside and wake up hopen'
that the world just isnt what it seems to be - awake in a daze
crashing and burning in a dream - loosing steam - crying screaming
Somebody-someone, something up above, anything- somehow help us now.
you don't fight fire with fire, you can't kill with kindness nor wage war on disease
How do we have it all wrong, can we find an answer in a song, a cure for humanity PLEASE?
It's You

angelovemusic

Love to hear what you think.

Mr November

I liked it. The formatting made it interesting.

angelovemusic

Thank You Ian

VEGANGELICA

Angelovemusic,

I agree with Ian that your poem's format makes it more interesting than it would be if it didn't crest, retract, then crest again.

The meaning of your poem: I like that it deals with a common yearning people have - the desire for love and a desire for aid when facing all the problems of mortal life (violence/anger, war, disease).

I think it is interesting how the solution your poem proposes so quickly becomes "you," another being, rather than "me," the self.

While reading the poem, I also thought about how it is interesting that the poem seems to assume there is an answer, a "cure for humanity." I mused that perhaps if people spent more time thinking about how they themselves could make things better (such as trying to create peace rather than violence) rather than searching for others to help, some of the problems could more easily be resolved.

On the other hand, the desire for aid and for comfort is what brings people together, and organized groups of people can synergistically do much more good than we can as individuals. So the urge to reach out and find connections with others...as you do through your poem...really is a beautiful gesture of hope. Thank you for sharing that.

My favorite lines are:

I noticed some details about your poem that you may wish to consider.

First, there were a few misspellings, so I want to make sure you know about them in case you want to correct them:

"hopen'" should be hopin' (short for hoping).
"loosing steam" should be "losing steam."
"its the only place" should be "it's the only place."

Second, I feel the extensive rhyming of words at the ends of the lines at the beginning of the poem creates a humorous feeling that I don't think you want:

When I read this, the first thought that popped into my mind was an amusing scene from the "Princess Bride":



I like that scene...but it doesn't make me think about serious life issues, which are the subject of your poem.

I recommend you limit the rhyming in order to create a more serious tone ... this coming from someone who has a ferocious love of rhyming!

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