Just need some feedback for my lyrics... (There made in the style of a rap)

[2paclives]

I've literally just written them down so dont be to mean lol

Dear God, it's me again wots happ'nin...
I'm feelin like a ship lost at sea, no captain
Runnin low like the net with no bandwidth
Wanna break free from this life I've been trapped with.

Dont think I'd still be breathin if it wasn't for music
People say im talented so im gonna use it.
Got a lot of stress in my life i wanna lose it
No one can change me forever spittin true ****.

Livin in this time things get kinda hectic
Sometimes i cant help but get so ****in apoplectic
By the time I'm paid I've already gone n spent it
My first words were '**** the World Bitch' an I'ma end it

I think I'll regenerate into a ****in dalek
Take over the world, Smoke an L, get my crotch kissed
Travel round the globe find a girl I wanna **** with
Take her home and Sonic ScrewDrive-Her in my TARDIS.

[Urban Hat€monger ?]

You're a comedy act then?

[2paclives]

well every time i write summat serious down.. it kinda turns into a joke lol .. so probably yeah

[AliceN]

The first verse is awesome--it really gripped me. Try expanding on it in a few different directions and see which you like the best. Not bad, but I think you have a ton of untapped potential here.

[Blarobbarg]

The four verses sound like they belong in different songs, though they all flow the same in your head. But they have no connection to each other except vague angsty emotions, which isn't really much of a connection.

On top of that, hip hop rarely comes off well written down. To really judge it, we need to hear it. It would be better even as a spoken word.

[2paclives]

yeh it isnt really a full song... just different sets of lyrics that I wrote down... thanks for the advice mate

[2paclives]

will do mate... cheers

[Henry.Fatih]

Originally Posted by 2paclives

I've literally just written them down so dont be to mean lol

Dear God, it's me again wots happ'nin...
I'm feelin like a ship lost at sea, no captain
Runnin low like the net with no bandwidth
Wanna break free from this life I've been trapped with.

Dont think I'd still be breathin if it wasn't for music
People say im talented so im gonna use it.
Got a lot of stress in my life i wanna lose it
No one can change me forever spittin true ****.

Livin in this time things get kinda hectic
Sometimes i cant help but get so ****in apoplectic
By the time I'm paid I've already gone n spent it
My first words were '**** the World Bitch' an I'ma end it

I think I'll regenerate into a ****in dalek
Take over the world, Smoke an L, get my crotch kissed
Travel round the globe find a girl I wanna **** with
Take her home and Sonic ScrewDrive-Her in my TARDIS.

I don't know if this is a spoof, but regardless it is funny and creative. I can rap when I'm in the mood but I need another rapper to help me get the beet down.

Rap is poetic and I'm more of a poet than a musician. But for what it is it is good the rhythm is good and I don't know how old you are but this is some good stuff.